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The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
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I'VE GOT A SUPERMANIC SOUL 2008-06-06 |
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Last update's schlock may not've been horror enough for you, but Monkeybone sure fucking is. -Doom |
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I HAD IT WITH MY NON-ADEQUATE EXCUSE 2008-06-06 |
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Senseless isn't exactly horror; it's nominally a 90s comedy using a plot device more reminiscent of 80s bullshit like Weird Science. And it stars Marlon Wayans, David Spade and Matthew Lillard. Scary enough for you? -Doom |
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SAW MY REFLECTION IN A SPOON 2008-06-05 |
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Furioso and I take aim at Swimfan. Remember Swimfan? It told us what would happen if Fatal Attraction had a lot less rabbit boiling and a lot more crazy stalker woman harassing guy through e-mail and IM. -Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-04 |
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Lots of entertainment-related shit for you today. The Schlocktoberfest offering is the Black Christmas Remake Review; they made a remake for...I don't fucking know why. Billy isn't exactly Freddy. Nor are the villains in The Strangers, unless you consider uncontrollable wheezing to be imposing. Television reviews include one of Fantastic Four: "Imperius Rex" and another detailing the flaws in the Captain Planet episode "Rain of Terror". The villain is played by Jeff Goldblum! The Blum, people! Finally, some comics shit, with a Final Crisis #1 Review, a King-Size Hulk Review and the Brand New Day Month 5 Roundtable to spend your time reading in between pathetic masturbation to Megan Fox. You worthless motherfucker. -Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-03 |
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Who doesn't love movies about bitches trying to find their lost children? Us. Check out our review of The Forgotten, a loathsome Julianne Moore vehicle which asks the question: what is funnier, drunk Dominic West or a third act swerve that makes no sense? We'll leave the answer up to you. -Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-02 |
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Corky Romano. CORKY ROMANO. That is the only thing that needs to be said. -Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-01 |
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Here's something you won't see often: an update comprised of articles meant for a site event that never happened. The original plan after the Asians bought us out would be for the site to change hands three more times before returning to normalcy. One of those changes would be the Nazis buying the site and using it as a means to espouse their pro-McCain/anti-nigger agenda. Since the Asian event took longer than expected, to say the least, this and the other two were scrapped. But since I had finished a couple of the articles before that decision, I've decided to round out the content to fit into one update and show it to you as what might have been. Who knows, maybe you'll see the updates intended for the other two weeks eventually too. Guys - Todd Howard shows why living under a Nazi regime isn't that bad. Obama for President! - Adolf Hitler endorses the candidate for change. Israel/Palestine: The Zero State Solution - Charlie Sykes has an innovative idea about how to achieve peace in the Middle East. Myspace Loser Week 94 - Did you know Myspace is used by pedos and niggers? Concerned Citizen does now. Facebook Idiot Week 65 - Lorne updates us about 'blacktivism' and its role in the Jewish-owned Facebook. YouTube Fuckhead Week 12 - Charlie Sykes is all about making sure those Jude activists keep quiet. Blog Moron Week 22 - Michael Richards HATES Kanye West almost as much as I do. Oh yes, and one more thing: Schlocktoberfest is starting again this month, despite the fact that it's not October nor a particularly heavy saturation month of horror movies. Well, who cares. The first one is Antz, certainly a horror film if I've ever seen one, written by myself and Nixon. Remember Nixon? Yeah, me neither. -Doom |
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Break in the pattern |
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Since incessant bitching has been made, I am breaking from the regularly scheduled programming to post this article: Mountain Culture by Commando. Now maybe he'll get off my back. -Doom |
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HAD HIM WITH A 2 INCH SHELL 2008-05-28 |
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Yeah, there's some more updating to be had. First, we have a pair of Smallville reviews that exist for...I don't know why. I guess we watched the episodes out of boredom and wrote the articles out of boredom. Anyway, here's the DR take on "Sleeper" and "Apocalypse". For comics, there is Tony Stark: Director of S.T.R.A.W. M.A.N., looking at how Marvel's treated Iron Man like a punk for the last year or so. Jack Thompson's crazy as fuck and has finally underwent a mental breakdown with THE WHOLE DAMN SYSTEM'S OUT OF ORDER! Stealing: A Novice's Guide: for all you wannabe thieves, this shit is for you. Finally, two reviews of Mario Kart Wii. Yes. Not one but two! Woo, that was a fun update, I guess. -Doom |
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THE SMELL OF FEAR, THE COLOR RED 2008-05-25 |
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This update is full of good times. I had a good time spitting bile in regards to Scarlett Johansson - Anywhere I Lay My Head. I was high as fuck on DXM for Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie and Indiana Jones 4. I probably had shit to drink during the Shark Series Finale. I had good times with Facebook and YouTube because I didn't have to write them; Jedi did it for me. Misery Paingoth handled Myspace and I was pretty drunk for Blog. All in all, there was low to nonexistent annoyance for this update. If only all updates could be as hassle free as this one is! We are talking about good times. Good, good times. Talking about good times. -Doom |
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AFRAID TO STOP AND AFRAID TO CHECK 2008-05-21 |
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So what do we have for you for tonight? Let's see. We follow up last update's review of a maligned DC crossover series with another review of a maligned DC crossover series, Amazons Attack, best known for the Batman line "Bees. My God.". Peter Parker returns to speak to the greatness of love triangles. Then we've got a whole host of contemporary television reviews, from Commando and I mocking Power Rangers: Jungle Fury and SNL to Jazz and I writing about the most recent Spectacular Spider-Man. And a dissection of the HBO concert 'film' Dane Cook: Vicious Circle from Nixon and myself. Finally there's one another treat for you motherfuckers: none other than presidential candidate John McCain is here to talk about one of his favorite albums, Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero. I'm kinda shocked too. -Doom |
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A FINAL SHOT AND A FINAL BREATH 2008-05-18 |
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More bullshit for you to read. Huzzah! Non-weekly features consist of two comics articles and two TV articles: Titans #2 Review, Infinite Crisis Hardcover Review, Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 7-8 Review and Shark Review. All of them are written by me and some Raider farmhand (I don't remember who, all those minorities run together after a while). As for the weekly bullshit we're still doing despite it having been a chore for a long fucking time, there's Part 2 of the site's look at the Gothic Liberation Front, Jedi and I investigating a pro-Apatow insurgency on Facebook, a YouTube takedown of Slick Idiot's $9 video, and some blog whatever the fuck. Read it even if you don't want to. We spent many minutes writing these pieces of comedy gold! Oh yeah, and that Myspace thing features contributions from our newest writer, Kennedy. He's also our first, uh, real Asian writer. (I was THIS close to having his site name be "Skip Osaka".) Thus, this Kennedy wasn't killed by the mob/CIA/Lyndon Johnson because he was 5'5". -Doom |
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HE FIRED BACK AND THEN IT STOPPED 2008-05-14 |
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Do you like reading about comics? Too bad. You're gonna do it anyway, cause we got three articles on comics today: DC Universe #0 Review, Hulk #3 Review and Elitist Self-Indulgent Twat Douchebag noting that Everything is Horrible. There's also some music bullshit, like a Juno Soundtrack Review and my coverage of Ministry's final (until Al needs more money) tour. I finally got around to reading Jack Thompson - Out of Harm's Way too. It's even worse than one would suspect based on it being written by lunatic Christian Jack Thompson. Finally, while ducking classes, Furioso and I managed to write a Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 5-6 Review. Some people may like the new animated take on Spider-Man, but those people are fucking morons so their opinions don't matter. ...And so forth. -Doom |
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I'VE GOTTA BLOW HIM OUTTA MY HEAD 2008-05-11 |
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Another update! Wow, isn't that amazing, kids. Nixon returns from college, meaning he will write things in the window of about a week of time. If you're excited about seeing the Speed Racer movie, kill yourself. If you're excited to see it stoned on account of it being so fucking terrible, read this Speed Racer: The Next Generation Review as a warm up to the main event. Yes, there is a new Speed Racer TV show, in glorious, hideous CGI. Freakface returns to answer more letters with FREAKFACE MAILBAG 2: FREAKFACE FREAKFACEALOO. Where did he return from? Murdering children while painting schools, obviously. For people who're disenchanted by the declining quality of mainstream comics, Secret Invasion #2 Review won't lift your spirits. Nor will Countdown to Final Crisis Month 12 by...a whole slew of people. Hey, we're just like Pigface. And I also don't pay people shit, but then again I don't make money off this enterprise either. Blog Moron Week 19 by myself, Furioso and Jedi. Hey, remember Terri Schiavo? She sure is dead. Still. For Facebook and Myspace, we've got me mocking some MCR loving gash and attacking something seriously called the Gothic Liberation Front, respectively. Did you think we'd go an update without Shield references? Fuck you. Here's a YouTube Fuckhead of the Week by Detective Ronnie Gardocki himself. You know you want to read it. -Doom |
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WELL I JUST SHOT A MAN TO DEATH 2008-05-07 |
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Previously, on the Raider: Robbie Robertson: Knock it off! Nerdlinger: Got a goddamn lump. SCENE CHANGE Nerdlinger: You know, I'm not gonna let you ruin my life over this vending machine thing. Lemansky: Sure you are. SCENE CHANGE Nerdlinger: You are my hero. Scarecrow: Why's that? Nerdlinger: Romanov? Oh, I'm sorry. I just assumed, the way she talks about you. So the Dizzman has a shot? Scarecrow: Dizz? Nerdlinger: Sure, he's been working that caring mentor angle like there's no tomorrow. Your loss, my friend. SCENE CHANGE [that sex scene. You know the one I'm talkin' about.] SCENE CHANGE Rammspieler: Did you talk to Nixon? Doom: He killed Jazz. SCENE CHANGE Nixon: I did what I thought had to be done at the time. Doom: I see you again, I will kill you. SCENE CHANGE SCENE CHANGE Bechett Allen: I am Allen. Nixon: I need to speak to the real Woody Allen. Bechett Allen: My father's out of town. SCENE CHANGE Nixon: How long do you think you can keep this a secret? Bechett Allen: Long enough for a miracle. Nixon: In the meantime, you think you're running the show? SCENE CHANGE Bechett Allen: You'll be my partner in this country. Nixon: Now who's putting the most cash in the peasants' pockets? Bechett Allen: Jewker. He runs the ports. Nixon: Well, he's the one who's going to be looking to take over. SCENE CHANGE Nixon: You're under arrest. Jewker: My people won't let you get away with this! Nixon: You don't have people. Allen Jr's in charge now, so your coup ain't happenin'. SCENE CHANGE Doom: Sounds like Nixon made a big bust today. I don't know what kind of arrangement you two have, but just know, when the chips fall, they always land on Nixon's side of the table. SCENE CHANGE Bechett Allen: That writer knows what's going on. I can't be part of that. I have to be careful. SCENE CHANGE Nixon: You just stay out of my way. Doom: I'm looking to make you as miserable as I possibly can. Nixon: I'll stop by and say hi when you start your fact checking job at Teen Vogue. SCENE CHANGE Nixon: Vic stole from your father. The Jewish Funny Train? Got robbed a few years back? That was Vic. He asked me to be a part of it. When I said no, I became a threat. Bechett Allen: I will have to deal with him too. Nixon: Wait a second, I didn't tell you that. Bechett Allen: But you have told me. I must finish the job. SCENE CHANGE Jurassic: San Marcos is officially closed. Doom: We got the guys who wielded the machetes, but not the guys who ordered it. Remember the one armed man with the suitcase full of cash? SCENE CHANGE Jedi Guardian: I'm a Mexican official. Diplomatic immunity. SCENE CHANGE Lemansky: He was present at the San Marcos murders. You want to make him stick around, make sure his $230,000 luggage gets lost. SCENE CHANGE Doom: Then Miyamoto shows up with his arm up Jameson's ass. SCENE CHANGE J. Jonah Jameson: Thank you. SCENE CHANGE Doom: Getting tips from prison, representing a company with the backing of Japanese interests. Jurassic: So now there's a conspiracy? SCENE CHANGE Doom: Why did you kill those people at San Marcos? Generalissimo Furioso: Something big's coming up. There's a dude by the name of Villarreal, we were supposed to leave him alive. Rammspieler: So you just cut off his arm. SCENE CHANGE Doom: I understand you went to college to Shigeru Miyamoto. I'm gonna use every second to figure out what's going on here. Why those people died and you didn't, where that money was going. And what Miyamoto's angle is in all of this. SCENE CHANGE Doom: I solved this thing before the quarterly stats were due. You're going to tell me that saving this place doesn't earn me a spot here? Jurassic: Nothing that happened today is going to change what I have to say to the panel. SCENE CHANGE Shigeru Miyamoto: I have one more picture. Doom: That's Jameson.
-Doom |
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