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The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century
and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor,
cocaine and South American prostitutes.
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Fourth Also Anniversary 2008-08-03 |
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[23:52] Generalissimo Furioso:
So, it's finally here, anniversary time. There's nothing all that
special about the anniversary of a website, especially one that I didn't
know would ever celebrate something as ancillary as an anniversary
[23:52] Generalissimo Furioso: Whatever, fuck all of you conceited
niggers with your sideways glances and cat-calls.
[23:53] Generalissimo Furioso: We have more Brand New Day, Month 7 to be
exact, because if we don't angry up on comics, we will on with liquor
and that causes DEATH.
[23:54] Kennedy: The Godhead leads us toward our glorious demise.
[23:54] Doom: Also an article about how comics have left me
disillusioned and maybe thinking I shouldn't read guys in tights
punching each other anymore.
[23:57] Jedi Guardian: I blame DC!
[23:57] Doom: Furioso and I reviewed Saving Grace, which is a
show with no explanation as to what it is and why the fuck it was made.
[23:58] Generalissimo Furioso: It involved Pedophilia and the Catholic
Church, HOW ORIGINAL.
[23:58] Generalissimo Furioso: Also, LEM WASN'T DEAD
[23:58] Generalissimo Furioso: BUT HE WISHES HE WERE
[23:58] Kennedy: I also wish he were dead.
[23:58] Jedi Guardian: All of us do.
[23:59] Doom: So how about those weekly features?
[00:00] Jedi Guardian: That would be swell.
[00:00] Generalissimo Furioso: We have another
Blog speil by Doom, I'm
sick of blogs but much like Kangaroo testicles, Doom can't get enough
[00:01] Doom: You shut the fuck up, you Moloid
[00:01] Generalissimo Furioso: Moloid?
[00:03] Doom: Mole Man's minions
[00:03] Doom: Jedi, introduce your two articles.
[00:03] Generalissimo Furioso: I thought they were called something else
[00:04] Doom: No.
[00:04] Jedi Guardian: give a minute.
[00:14] Jedi Guardian: It's a conglomeration of the saddest groups of
fucks on the planet...
[00:14] Jedi Guardian: circle jerking over someone who resembles the
female gnome from WoW.
[00:16] Doom: And the other one?
[00:17] Jedi Guardian: Michael71186....
[00:17] Jedi Guardian: Who is he?
[00:18] Doom: Some guy
[00:18] Jedi Guardian: Okay.
[00:18] Doom: And finally, Daily Raider Jump the Shark, wherein
we discuss when we started sucking.
-Doom |
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Suck my update 2008-07-13 |
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Yeah, here's some shit you
can read or not read since we do not yet live in a totalitarian society
wherein Raider reading is mandatory. It'll happen one day...the same
time this shit ever turns a profit. First is Myspace Loser Week
100: The End, which is exactly what it sounds like. No more Myspace. Shit was running on fumes for a while anyway. That means from now on only 7 articles on Sunday as opposed to the usual 8.
You'll have not as many articles to not read, folks!
100 Names for Generalissimo Furioso
and 100 Names for Nerdlinger: because if there's one thing to do on a friend's birthday, it's viciously insult them.
Flashpoint Review and Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Charles Shaw Sauvignon Blanc
are unique because they cover subjects such as crappy programming no one
would possibly watch and an affirmation that I like getting drunk. Bet
you didn't know that before.
What would you say if I said
this week's was the best Facebook ever? Well, it doesn't matter, because
this is the most frivolous and what happens when a writer doesn't have
ideas. Behold,
Facebook Idiot Week 71: You Won't Believe You Just Read That!.
YouTube Fuckhead Week
18: IAmWasabi shows why fat people shouldn't be recorded.
Blog Moron Week 28 was originally about Perez Hilton but then I figured out showing Perez Hilton shit might have some of my beloved retarded 12 year old readers seizure like those Japanese kids.
Instead, some Republican asshole! Didn't see that coming, did you?
Update over. More later.
-Doom |
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I will never be young, I will never be loved 2008-07-09 |
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More writing things you
probably won't read because you'd rather be reading Digg or Something
Awful or some other example of new media detritus. Those of you stupid enough to hold onto this sinking ship, you're in luck, though.
You get to read shit by the three people who still continue to fucking
bother with this shit!
I came across the wonder of
seeing The Shield in syndication. Check out my
Edited Shield
article for more information.
Furioso and I wrote this Blinx 2 Review
for educational purposes. Now you'll know not to play anything involving
cats.
Two Hancock reviews, the latter of which is Josiah X's black resistence review of the motion picture starring lovable cartoon character Will Smith.
Since we hate you and comics
and Spider-Man, Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 6 Roundtable.
Finally, two articles from
our features section by guest writers:
You can't spell death without 'death'
by the Sad Clown and
Seat belt Laws
by the Libertarian.
More later.
-Doom |
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More fucking jokes 2008-07-02 |
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Yes, indeed, this update is
more fucking jokes about shit we shouldn't really care about anymore. As
such, here's some fucking reviews of stupid comics published by comics
who stagnate the medium through devoting almost all resources to static
licensing characters whose exploits are required to stay within set
parameters befitting their existences as trademarks of negligible
artistic value. Here's one now, Peter Parker, informing you readers that Being friends with the Devil is awesome.
There are also reviews of Titans #3 and Hulk #4. Oh, who gives a shit anymore.
Here's another goddamn Fantastic Four TV show review, hopefully the last one.
The episode the article pertains to was written by Dan Slott, so expect
some sweeping generalizations about a man whose existence we judge based
on some white male power fantasies he wrote for a corporation in
exchange for money.
The Bill Engvall Show Review shows you don't need to be Jeff Foxworthy or Larry the Cable Installer to be an evil redneck.
Drink, drink, drink: Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Foxhorn Chardonnay
More fucking white male power
fantasies, albeit in video game form: The Incredible Hulk (Wii) Review.
It contains one of the most tenuous guest appearance writing things
ever.
-Doom |
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Frankie Muniz: The Jailbait Years 2008-06-29 |
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Penultimate Schlocktoberfest
article here for your health. Agent Cody Banks 2 Review, an article which was started during a more innocent time when the biggest news story was a pedophile Congressman.
I'd trade our recession for another pedophile Congressman any day. So
anyway, this review is about that shitty movie starring Malcolm in
the Middle, who previously starred in Agent Cody Banks 1.
Thank Lucifer he's too old to reprise the role again. Or is he? I mean,
if David Schwimmer was able to get away with playing a human being for a
decade...
-Doom |
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You can't cage the Cage! 2008-06-28 |
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Next is Next! Wasn't that hilarious?
If not, then you'll find Nicolas Cage in Next hilarious, because
he plays someone who is outside the Nicolas Cage jittery weirdo range of
expertise. A magician who can see the future? Christ. How does he
go from there? Oh, I'm sure he'll think of something. I do think that if
90s Cage could look into the future he'd then kill himself instead of
becoming current Cage.
-Doom |
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It'll never be all right
2008-06-26 |
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Be Kind Rewind is fucking terrible. Don't see it. Read the review anyway.
-Doom |
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Another film invalidated with the invention of
caller ID
2008-06-24 |
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When A Stranger Calls Back Review
was supposed to run right after my remake review of When A Stranger
Calls, but I forgot about it until now. Read the review and you'll
understand why I purged memory of it.
-Doom |
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Some fucking phrase
2008-06-23 |
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Final Destination, the first of too fucking many films to be about Death killing people who didn't die like he wanted them to die.
-Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS
2008-06-22 |
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It's Sunday, so that means I
force myself through articles I regret having started writing a quarter
way through. Whatever. No time to think. Just fucking write. First up is
#97 of Myspace Loser
by Jurassic3000 and myself. Then Jedi writes
YouTube Fuckhead
sparing you from accidentally seeing one of the subject's videos and
sparing me from having to write YouTube Fuckhead. I take on recently
deceased TV journalist Tim Russert's legacy in
Tim Russert: Thank Fuck That Asshole Is Dead
(can you tell what my thrust will be?). Bleary eyed and hungover,
Facebook Idiot
came into existence, as did Blog Moron. Whether or not that explains anything is up to you.
In addition to this being
"Doom is hungover and pissed off" update, the remaining articles
highlight hilarious black men Isaiah Washington and Michael McGee (who
has an upcoming trial article you're sure to love). Fantastic Four: "Strings" returns Puppet Master McGee to the show we're surprisingly still fucking reviewing. I don't remember when the last review is supposed to hit.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry of course features Isaiah Washington's comments about a film directly addressing gayism.
All I can say about the last article of the update is that writing the
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: "Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun" Review
seemed like a good idea at the time.
-Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS
2008-06-21 |
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If you don't think
Big Momma's House 2 qualifies as horror, you clearly haven't
seen Big Momma's House 2.
-Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS
2008-06-20 |
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The Sitter, bitches. I
don't think I need to supply any information beyond the fact that it
originally aired on the Lifetime Network.
-Doom |
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THESE ARE FOR YOU
2008-06-19 |
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You know what horror needs
more of? Jesus. That's why the creators of The Reaping did what
they did, the "what" being shit starring Hilary Swank as an eeevil
atheist professor who sees the light through some Biblical prophecies
and other such nonsense. I'm surprised a title card exhorting the values
of attending church service wasn't thrown up before the end credits.
-Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS
2008-06-18 |
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So, uh, hey, we went to see
the Incredible Hulk movie, the Daily Raider did. I guess we sorta
went overboard with the reviews. Seeing as how there's one by me, Black
Goliath and Nerdlinger, one by Banner and the Hulk, one by Original
Famous Fanboy and finally another review by yours truly.
We actually went outside to see the movie.
In addition to going outside
for that, I went to two concerts: Jagermeister and MSI/TBM.
Christ, all this outside
going we're going to get skin cancer for it, I'm telling you.
Oh yes, almost forget. Before
going to see Incredible Hulk, the Doom-Black-Nerd contingent saw
Valentine. It's no
Urban Legend.
-Doom |
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THESE ARE FOR YOU
2008-06-17 |
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The update train rolls on
with the Schlocktoberfest entry The Cell. Seeing Jennifer Lopez act in a thriller replete with music video imagery satisfies less than a drug trip and requires a lot of alcohol. Unfortunately I didn't have any alcohol, making the experience quite unpleasant.
Almost like being kidnapped by a serial killer in real life!
-Doom |
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DEAD!
2008-06-16 |
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88 Minutes is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Now you
can indirectly experience it through a review! Marvel at Al Pacino's
prolonged piss speech all over his legacy as an actor who didn't appear
in direct to video fare barely worthy of Steven Seagal's talents. Well,
at least he doesn't have a gut comparable to Jupiter...yet.
-Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK
THIS 2008-06-15 |
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More fucking text and images
on things. The Schlocktoberfest review of
When A Stranger Calls the remake expands upon my original two line review of calling the fictional stalkee a stupid bitch
by adding many little white words and some hot pictures of hot women. Go
read it, you masturbating, glue huffing 12 year olds! To coincide with
this, I had the bright idea of also doing #96 for Myspace Loser on a
fake profile created for the fictional stalkee supposedly in order to
attract attention and promote the film. I think the article was more
ill-advised than the Myspace itself, but you can decide for yourself.
More FF with Fantastic Four: "Annihilation" Review.
Ugh. I think we're near completion on the cycle of these.
Of particular note is the
site's first wine review. I felt the desire for wine reviewing for two
purposes: 1) I'm drinking again and 2) life sucks, so why not intertwine
booze and work into something vaguely productive. This week I review Coto de Hayas Campo de Borja Tinto 2006,
which is, uh, some really terrible fuckin' wine.
If you're a loser you may
have heard Chuck Dixon left DC Comics. Explanation had been minimal
until this explanatory missive hit my inbox: Why I Left DC by Chuck
Dixon. I'll admit I got bored halfway through, like I do with most other
Chuck Dixon works.
Here's some weekly features:
Blog about wine snobbery blogs, YouTube about a woman who uses sexuality
to report mundane information, and Facebook about some jarhead who
doesn't feel like killing Ay-rabs no more.
-Doom |
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THESE ARE FOR YOU 2008-06-14 |
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Next on the list of films no
one ever wanted made, The Cry, which is about some Mexi bitch
legend who drowned her children. Andrea Yates is much cooler than La
Llorona.
-Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS 2008-06-13 |
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Well, that took a bit of a
while. Whatever. First off, some Smallvilles, "Quest"
and "Arctic",
thus closing out Season 7. Man, we reviewed too many goddamn episodes of
this shite. What can I say, it's like a drug, only it causes pain
instead of relieving it. For the Schlocktoberfest entry of the day, it's
the remake of Hitcher.
Apparently the original needed more Neal McDonough. The Iron Man Game Review
comes next, proving even if a superhero movie is good, the game will
still suck tumorous testicles.
The weekly functions bring
the return of the Disabledist in Facebook Idiot. In addition, Jedi and I
mock the trend of real-life superheroes with Myspace Loser,
on YouTube the gang takes a look at those recut movie trailer (or other
film manipulation) and as for
Blog, read for yourself, ladies and
gentlemen.
Next update is tomorrow. Be
excited.
-Doom |
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THESE ARE FOR YOU 2008-06-12 |
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Do you love fucked up
updating schedules? Well, I have an excuse. I haven't finished the update
for Sunday because I don't feel like it. Some of those self-mandated
articles are draining to write and I don't feel like cracking open my
liquor collection to find a color to match the shit I'm doing. So
instead you'll get the Wednesday update today (Thursday), the Sunday
update on Friday and the next Sunday update...on Sunday. It's not that
confusing, really. Well, maybe it is, but shut the fuck up. I'm the Doomcider!
Schlocktoberfest continues
with Candyman Review. Then there's two FF TV show reviews (here and here).
Our favorite libertarian The
Libertarian returns in The Poor Deserve It!, a fitting article for these troubled times.
Since mocking black people is
fun, here's 100 names for Black Goliath as well as Charlie Sykes' Spike Lee is a boring old biddy nigger.
Finally, Secret Invasion #3 Review by some Marvel shill.
-Doom |
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I'VE PUT HIM DOWN IN THE RECORD ROOM 2008-06-11 |
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Dead Silence can be
summed up perfectly with the information that the director of Saw directed
it and the writer of Saw wrote it. Oh, you'll wish you were
watching that should you ever chance upon Dead Silence, which
indulges in the horror of people who can mummies talk without moving
their lips. Unfortunately, it looks as though the ventrilohorror
subgenre won't catch on.
-Doom |
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I'VE PUT A STOP TO HIS LOONEY TUNES 2008-06-10 |
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Finally! The 'franchise' is
over! It really is a 'franchise' by the time you get to Urban Legends
3: Bloody Mary, because it has little if anything to do with either
of the previous movies. The concept of an urban legend killer has gone from 'that's a cute idea' to 'yeah, whatever', by the filmmakers as well as the public.
It took a lot of drinking to work up the energy to care about this shit.
-Doom |
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I'VE PULLED THE TRIGGER IN THE RECORD ROOM 2008-06-09 |
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Urban Legends: Final Cut
tries to replace Alicia Witt with Cameron and, more importantly, The
Jackson with that fuck Joey Lawrence. You know, Blossom's Joey? Do people
still know what or who Blossom is? No? Good. You can also expect
film school, Anthony Anderson, questionable fealty to the urban legends
gimmick and not enough nudity. Also, it's my 1000th article. Jesus
Christ.
-Doom |
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I'VE PULLED THE TRIGGER IN THE RECORD ROOM 2008-06-08 |
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The first of our three
reviews of the Urban Legend series. First is, obviously, Urban Legend by
Commando and myself. You know we couldn't resist reviewing when we found
out it starred The Jackson.
-Doom |
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I'VE GOT A SUPERMANIC SOUL 2008-06-07 |
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Last update's schlock may not've been horror enough for you, but Monkeybone sure fucking is.
-Doom |
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I HAD IT WITH MY NON-ADEQUATE EXCUSE 2008-06-06 |
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Senseless isn't exactly horror; it's nominally a 90s comedy using a plot device more
reminiscent of 80s bullshit like Weird Science. And it stars Marlon Wayans, David Spade and Matthew Lillard. Scary enough for you?
-Doom |
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SAW MY REFLECTION IN A SPOON 2008-06-05 |
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Furioso and I take aim at Swimfan. Remember Swimfan? It told us what would happen if Fatal Attraction had a lot less rabbit boiling and a lot more crazy stalker woman harassing guy through e-mail and IM.
-Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-03 |
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Who doesn't love movies about
bitches trying to find their lost children? Us. Check out our review of
The Forgotten, a loathsome Julianne Moore vehicle which asks the
question: what is funnier, drunk Dominic West or a third act swerve that
makes no sense? We'll leave the answer up to you.
-Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-02 |
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Corky Romano. CORKY
ROMANO. That is the only thing that needs to be said.
-Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-01 |
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Here's something you won't
see often: an update comprised of articles meant for a site event that
never happened. The original plan after the Asians bought us out would
be for the site to change hands three more times before returning to
normalcy. One of those changes would be the Nazis buying the site and
using it as a means to espouse their pro-McCain/anti-nigger agenda.
Since the Asian event took longer than expected, to say the least, this
and the other two were scrapped. But since I had finished a couple of
the articles before that decision, I've decided to round out the content
to fit into one update and show it to you as what might have been. Who
knows, maybe you'll see the updates intended for the other two weeks
eventually too.
Guys
- Todd Howard shows why living under a Nazi regime isn't that bad.
Obama for President!
- Adolf Hitler endorses the candidate for change.
Israel/Palestine: The Zero State Solution
- Charlie Sykes has an innovative idea about how to achieve peace in the
Middle East.
Myspace Loser Week
94 - Did you know Myspace is used by pedos and niggers? Concerned
Citizen does now.
Facebook Idiot Week 65 - Lorne updates us about 'blacktivism' and
its role in the Jewish-owned Facebook.
YouTube Fuckhead Week
12 - Charlie Sykes is all about making sure those Jude activists
keep quiet.
Blog Moron Week 22 - Michael Richards HATES Kanye West almost as
much as I do.
Oh yes, and one more thing:
Schlocktoberfest is starting again this month, despite the fact that
it's not October nor a particularly heavy saturation month of horror
movies. Well, who cares. The first one is Antz, certainly a horror film
if I've ever seen one, written by myself and Nixon. Remember Nixon?
Yeah, me neither.
-Doom |
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