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The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
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Zerospace 2008-08-10 |
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The DXM Hangover establishes why sometimes drinking far above the recommended amount of cough syrup is not a good idea. We've got some TV shit going on with Fringe Review, My Boys Review, Hard Knocks Review. Each a different genre, all shitty. Video game review: King of Fighters XI Review We close out the night with some Apatow Frat Pack nonsense in Step Brothers Review and Pineapple Express Review. -Doom |
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Plastic Messiah 2008-08-10 |
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Here are some articles you may or may not enjoy. First, my article on my trip to Toronto, as I promised. It wasn't that delayed. The weekly features, Blog, Facebook and YouTube are up next and all are by me and concern current-ish events. Hulk #5 is a team-up between Banner and myself, and it concerns Red Hulk beating Thor. Goddamnit. My bimonthly rabid takedown of the Dems is here and finally is Ronin writing about how fucking useless he is, a subject perfect for his skills. More later, folks. -Doom |
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Back from Canada 2008-08-06 |
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I was in Canada, Toronto specifically, seeing Nine Inch Nails perform some self-indulgent whining for $80. Hey, I'm able to drink without a fake ID up there, so whatever. As such, I'm burning off a lot of booze review articles both because I had a fair amount to drink there and this shit is easy to write. Far easier than anything of substance anyway. Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Fish Eye Cabernet Sauvignon: Wine! Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Not So Canadian Canadian Edition: KWV Chenin Blanc: More Wine! Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon: More Wine! Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Canadian Edition: Dan Aykroyd Cabernet Shiraz: Wine from Canada! Yes, I enter the cutthroat world of celebrity alcohol. What Aykroyd will it be, 80s Aykroyd or today Aykroyd? Find out! Doom the Funky Alcoholic Liquor Review: Canadian Edition: Russian Prince Vodka: Surprisingly not made in Russia. Nine Inch Nails Lights in the Sky 2008 Tour Review: AWITHA TEETHA Space Chimps Review: This is a real movie. My take on Canada will come in the next update or two, depending on when I finish it. -Doom |
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Fourth Also Anniversary 2008-08-03 |
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[23:52] Generalissimo Furioso:
So, it's finally here, anniversary time. There's nothing all that
special about the anniversary of a website, especially one that I didn't
know would ever celebrate something as ancillary as an anniversary -Doom |
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Fourth Anniversary 2008-07-30 |
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Welcome to the first of our two updates commemorating the site's 4th anniversary. Four years and one day ago, I started up this little operation with little more than a wing and a prayer (prayer excluded). Now look at it! We've more than doubled the initial reader base. I wonder what is in store for our future? 100 readers? 200? Well, let's not get too unrealistic here. Anyway, onward with the not special at all articles: Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Terra Andina Sauvignon Blanc You know you're an alcoholic when... Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Tisdale Chardonnay Elect More and Better Democrats See how fucking great those are? Damn right. -Doom |
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More! 2008-07-27 |
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So here I am, about to tell you of the new articles the site has to offer to you little victims. YouTube Fuckhead Week 20: AspieGirl X-Files 2: I Want To Believe Review (Original Mix) X-Files 2: I Want To Believe Review (Fanboy Mix) Blog Moron Week 30: Alas, a blog Facebook Idiot Week 73: Rudy Giuliani Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Rex Goliath Cabernet Sauvignon McGee guilty? McGee guilty? MCGEE GUILTY! These articles run the gamut of perplexing to insightful to highly disturbing. Guess which article corresponds to each point on the spectrum! -Doom |
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Articles! 2008-07-23 |
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Doom, Black Goliath: Joe Quesada: Doom: Hardcore Gamer, Ms. Feminist: Raider/Counter-Raider: Fat Princess Jedi Guardian: -Doom |
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More bullshit 2008-07-20 |
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Jesus Christ am I hungover. I should stop drinking, but maybe my life should stop sucking first. Anyway! Articles! They exist. You can read them. Watchmen Merchandise: The potential of it all! is an article about how much I'm dreading the upcoming film by Zach Snyder. Or should I say anticipating? No, I shouldn't. I'm tired so I don't feel like doing pithy nonsense for descriptions of these. Figure out this shit on your own. YouTube Fuckhead Week 19: Zyxz, Blog Moron Week 29: Hip and Thigh, Facebook Idiot Week 72: John McCain for President Doom the Funky Alcoholic Liqueur Review: Peppermint Schnapps -Doom |
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Clever, Abrasive Phrase 2008-07-16 |
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It's libel time with Tony Snow: One Less Blue Eyed Devil in the World and Guys, I think we need to seriously stop the Iraq War, the latter of which is written by a familiar face, I suppose. Comics are reviewed once again with Ultimates 3 #4 Review and Final Crisis: Requiem Review getting the standard Raider treatment, by which I mean we insult the author for daring to express himself creativity, his family for being related to him and make copious Shield references. Speaking of Shield references, Street Kings Review. It's got Keanu Reeves...AND JON KAVANAUGH. Meet Dave Review because why the fuck not. And to close it off, the debut of a new feature, Daily Raider News. Daily Raider News: J Dilla Still Dead will be the first in a hopefully long line of fake journalism. It's better than the Post. -Doom |
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Suck my update 2008-07-13 |
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Yeah, here's some shit you can read or not read since we do not yet live in a totalitarian society wherein Raider reading is mandatory. It'll happen one day...the same time this shit ever turns a profit. First is Myspace Loser Week 100: The End, which is exactly what it sounds like. No more Myspace. Shit was running on fumes for a while anyway. That means from now on only 7 articles on Sunday as opposed to the usual 8. You'll have not as many articles to not read, folks! 100 Names for Generalissimo Furioso and 100 Names for Nerdlinger: because if there's one thing to do on a friend's birthday, it's viciously insult them. Flashpoint Review and Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Charles Shaw Sauvignon Blanc are unique because they cover subjects such as crappy programming no one would possibly watch and an affirmation that I like getting drunk. Bet you didn't know that before. What would you say if I said this week's was the best Facebook ever? Well, it doesn't matter, because this is the most frivolous and what happens when a writer doesn't have ideas. Behold, Facebook Idiot Week 71: You Won't Believe You Just Read That!. YouTube Fuckhead Week 18: IAmWasabi shows why fat people shouldn't be recorded. Blog Moron Week 28 was originally about Perez Hilton but then I figured out showing Perez Hilton shit might have some of my beloved retarded 12 year old readers seizure like those Japanese kids. Instead, some Republican asshole! Didn't see that coming, did you? Update over. More later.
-Doom |
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I will never be young, I will never be loved 2008-07-09 |
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More writing things you probably won't read because you'd rather be reading Digg or Something Awful or some other example of new media detritus. Those of you stupid enough to hold onto this sinking ship, you're in luck, though. You get to read shit by the three people who still continue to fucking bother with this shit! I came across the wonder of seeing The Shield in syndication. Check out my Edited Shield article for more information. Furioso and I wrote this Blinx 2 Review for educational purposes. Now you'll know not to play anything involving cats. Two Hancock reviews, the latter of which is Josiah X's black resistence review of the motion picture starring lovable cartoon character Will Smith. Since we hate you and comics and Spider-Man, Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 6 Roundtable. Finally, two articles from our features section by guest writers: You can't spell death without 'death' by the Sad Clown and Seat belt Laws by the Libertarian. More later. -Doom |
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Fourth of Fuck Off 2008-07-06 |
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America sucks. Deal with it. So what have we on this fine day? Well, more fucking words about things, I suppose. Did you expect anything special? Well, if so, you're a fucking moron. MLB 2K8 shows why the Wii should be reluctant to have sports games. Stop-Loss has indie darling Levitt AND Channing Tatum. How could I possibly hate it? Surprisingly Unironic Books 2: Team Bush is the latest in my series of articles about hilarious books that don't mean to be hilarious. The Trial of McGee returns Michael McGee to the solo article form. But one article can't restrain MCGEE! Prison might, though. Then some weekly shit I mostly did by myself this time! Imagine that. Facebook Idiot Week 70: Boycott the Beijing Olympics - Cat Killers YouTube Fuckhead Week 17: Gothic Liberation Front Blog Moron Week 27: I am the King's Good Servant, But God's First More shit later, y'all. -Doom |
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More fucking jokes 2008-07-02 |
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Yes, indeed, this update is more fucking jokes about shit we shouldn't really care about anymore. As such, here's some fucking reviews of stupid comics published by comics who stagnate the medium through devoting almost all resources to static licensing characters whose exploits are required to stay within set parameters befitting their existences as trademarks of negligible artistic value. Here's one now, Peter Parker, informing you readers that Being friends with the Devil is awesome. There are also reviews of Titans #3 and Hulk #4. Oh, who gives a shit anymore. Here's another goddamn Fantastic Four TV show review, hopefully the last one. The episode the article pertains to was written by Dan Slott, so expect some sweeping generalizations about a man whose existence we judge based on some white male power fantasies he wrote for a corporation in exchange for money. The Bill Engvall Show Review shows you don't need to be Jeff Foxworthy or Larry the Cable Installer to be an evil redneck. Drink, drink, drink: Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Foxhorn Chardonnay More fucking white male power fantasies, albeit in video game form: The Incredible Hulk (Wii) Review. It contains one of the most tenuous guest appearance writing things ever. -Doom |
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Breckin Meyer has to be offensive to some ethnic group 2008-06-30 |
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Finally! The culmination of Schlocktoberfest. That almost felt as though it was longer than a month. But it wasn't, nerds. The Schlocktoberfest entry today is Blue State, which gives Anna Paquin blue hair because elsewise how the fuck else would you remember the title? Awful. We also reviewed Wanted, which is sorta like the comic in that there is a beginning and an ending. Other than that, nothing. Accompanying is a review of the comic. Read it. Vladimir Cole: We Miss You, You Stupid Fuck chronicles the adventures of a shitty Joystiq contributor none of you probably remember by now. There's a Blog Moron of him as well: Blog Moron Week 26. 26. That many already? Some more fucking things: Myspace Loser Week 98: Lucky the Corcidin Fiend, Facebook Idiot Week 69: Thanks For Nothing, United Nations! and YouTube Fuckhead Week 16: Chris Berman. My level of commitment and care shows through these weekly features.
-Doom |
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Frankie Muniz: The Jailbait Years 2008-06-29 |
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Penultimate Schlocktoberfest article here for your health. Agent Cody Banks 2 Review, an article which was started during a more innocent time when the biggest news story was a pedophile Congressman. I'd trade our recession for another pedophile Congressman any day. So anyway, this review is about that shitty movie starring Malcolm in the Middle, who previously starred in Agent Cody Banks 1. Thank Lucifer he's too old to reprise the role again. Or is he? I mean, if David Schwimmer was able to get away with playing a human being for a decade... -Doom |
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You can't cage the Cage! 2008-06-28 |
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Next is Next! Wasn't that hilarious? If not, then you'll find Nicolas Cage in Next hilarious, because he plays someone who is outside the Nicolas Cage jittery weirdo range of expertise. A magician who can see the future? Christ. How does he go from there? Oh, I'm sure he'll think of something. I do think that if 90s Cage could look into the future he'd then kill himself instead of becoming current Cage. -Doom |
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For fuck's sake 2008-06-27 |
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Robert Altman's Popeye. Because why the fuck not. -Doom |
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It'll never be all right 2008-06-26 |
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Be Kind Rewind is fucking terrible. Don't see it. Read the review anyway. -Doom |
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The Daily Raider is a Drunk Against War 2008-06-25 |
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Goddamn right updates! What else is there to do when you're alone and the liquor store's closed? Fuck society. That goes for you too. You'd be better off reading The Invasion Review, Adventures in Egomania Volume 2: The Happening Review, Fantastic Four: "Doomsday Plus One" Review, Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 9-13 Review, I Blame Pacman Jones, DC Uber Alles!, Resident Evil 5 is racist!. All in one sitting, obviously. What else are you going to do? Don't pretend like you have anything better for an option. -Doom |
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Another film invalidated with the invention of caller ID 2008-06-24 |
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When A Stranger Calls Back Review was supposed to run right after my remake review of When A Stranger Calls, but I forgot about it until now. Read the review and you'll understand why I purged memory of it. -Doom |
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Some fucking phrase 2008-06-23 |
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Final Destination, the first of too fucking many films to be about Death killing people who didn't die like he wanted them to die. -Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS 2008-06-22 |
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It's Sunday, so that means I force myself through articles I regret having started writing a quarter way through. Whatever. No time to think. Just fucking write. First up is #97 of Myspace Loser by Jurassic3000 and myself. Then Jedi writes YouTube Fuckhead sparing you from accidentally seeing one of the subject's videos and sparing me from having to write YouTube Fuckhead. I take on recently deceased TV journalist Tim Russert's legacy in Tim Russert: Thank Fuck That Asshole Is Dead (can you tell what my thrust will be?). Bleary eyed and hungover, Facebook Idiot came into existence, as did Blog Moron. Whether or not that explains anything is up to you. In addition to this being "Doom is hungover and pissed off" update, the remaining articles highlight hilarious black men Isaiah Washington and Michael McGee (who has an upcoming trial article you're sure to love). Fantastic Four: "Strings" returns Puppet Master McGee to the show we're surprisingly still fucking reviewing. I don't remember when the last review is supposed to hit. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry of course features Isaiah Washington's comments about a film directly addressing gayism. All I can say about the last article of the update is that writing the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: "Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun" Review seemed like a good idea at the time. -Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS 2008-06-21 |
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If you don't think Big Momma's House 2 qualifies as horror, you clearly haven't seen Big Momma's House 2. -Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS 2008-06-20 |
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The Sitter, bitches. I don't think I need to supply any information beyond the fact that it originally aired on the Lifetime Network. -Doom |
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THESE ARE FOR YOU 2008-06-19 |
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You know what horror needs more of? Jesus. That's why the creators of The Reaping did what they did, the "what" being shit starring Hilary Swank as an eeevil atheist professor who sees the light through some Biblical prophecies and other such nonsense. I'm surprised a title card exhorting the values of attending church service wasn't thrown up before the end credits. -Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS 2008-06-18 |
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So, uh, hey, we went to see the Incredible Hulk movie, the Daily Raider did. I guess we sorta went overboard with the reviews. Seeing as how there's one by me, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger, one by Banner and the Hulk, one by Original Famous Fanboy and finally another review by yours truly. We actually went outside to see the movie. In addition to going outside for that, I went to two concerts: Jagermeister and MSI/TBM. Christ, all this outside going we're going to get skin cancer for it, I'm telling you. Oh yes, almost forget. Before going to see Incredible Hulk, the Doom-Black-Nerd contingent saw Valentine. It's no Urban Legend. -Doom |
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THESE ARE FOR YOU 2008-06-17 |
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The update train rolls on with the Schlocktoberfest entry The Cell. Seeing Jennifer Lopez act in a thriller replete with music video imagery satisfies less than a drug trip and requires a lot of alcohol. Unfortunately I didn't have any alcohol, making the experience quite unpleasant. Almost like being kidnapped by a serial killer in real life! -Doom |
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DEAD! 2008-06-16 |
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88 Minutes is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Now you can indirectly experience it through a review! Marvel at Al Pacino's prolonged piss speech all over his legacy as an actor who didn't appear in direct to video fare barely worthy of Steven Seagal's talents. Well, at least he doesn't have a gut comparable to Jupiter...yet. -Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS 2008-06-15 |
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More fucking text and images on things. The Schlocktoberfest review of When A Stranger Calls the remake expands upon my original two line review of calling the fictional stalkee a stupid bitch by adding many little white words and some hot pictures of hot women. Go read it, you masturbating, glue huffing 12 year olds! To coincide with this, I had the bright idea of also doing #96 for Myspace Loser on a fake profile created for the fictional stalkee supposedly in order to attract attention and promote the film. I think the article was more ill-advised than the Myspace itself, but you can decide for yourself. More FF with Fantastic Four: "Annihilation" Review. Ugh. I think we're near completion on the cycle of these. Of particular note is the site's first wine review. I felt the desire for wine reviewing for two purposes: 1) I'm drinking again and 2) life sucks, so why not intertwine booze and work into something vaguely productive. This week I review Coto de Hayas Campo de Borja Tinto 2006, which is, uh, some really terrible fuckin' wine. If you're a loser you may have heard Chuck Dixon left DC Comics. Explanation had been minimal until this explanatory missive hit my inbox: Why I Left DC by Chuck Dixon. I'll admit I got bored halfway through, like I do with most other Chuck Dixon works. Here's some weekly features: Blog about wine snobbery blogs, YouTube about a woman who uses sexuality to report mundane information, and Facebook about some jarhead who doesn't feel like killing Ay-rabs no more.
-Doom |
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THESE ARE FOR YOU 2008-06-14 |
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Next on the list of films no one ever wanted made, The Cry, which is about some Mexi bitch legend who drowned her children. Andrea Yates is much cooler than La Llorona. -Doom |
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DEAD - BREAK THIS 2008-06-13 |
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Well, that took a bit of a while. Whatever. First off, some Smallvilles, "Quest" and "Arctic", thus closing out Season 7. Man, we reviewed too many goddamn episodes of this shite. What can I say, it's like a drug, only it causes pain instead of relieving it. For the Schlocktoberfest entry of the day, it's the remake of Hitcher. Apparently the original needed more Neal McDonough. The Iron Man Game Review comes next, proving even if a superhero movie is good, the game will still suck tumorous testicles. The weekly functions bring the return of the Disabledist in Facebook Idiot. In addition, Jedi and I mock the trend of real-life superheroes with Myspace Loser, on YouTube the gang takes a look at those recut movie trailer (or other film manipulation) and as for Blog, read for yourself, ladies and gentlemen. Next update is tomorrow. Be excited. -Doom |
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THESE ARE FOR YOU 2008-06-12 |
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Do you love fucked up updating schedules? Well, I have an excuse. I haven't finished the update for Sunday because I don't feel like it. Some of those self-mandated articles are draining to write and I don't feel like cracking open my liquor collection to find a color to match the shit I'm doing. So instead you'll get the Wednesday update today (Thursday), the Sunday update on Friday and the next Sunday update...on Sunday. It's not that confusing, really. Well, maybe it is, but shut the fuck up. I'm the Doomcider! Schlocktoberfest continues with Candyman Review. Then there's two FF TV show reviews (here and here). Our favorite libertarian The Libertarian returns in The Poor Deserve It!, a fitting article for these troubled times. Since mocking black people is
fun, here's 100 names for Black Goliath as well as Charlie Sykes' Spike Lee is a boring old Finally, Secret Invasion #3 Review by some Marvel shill. -Doom |
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I'VE PUT HIM DOWN IN THE RECORD ROOM 2008-06-11 |
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Dead Silence can be summed up perfectly with the information that the director of Saw directed it and the writer of Saw wrote it. Oh, you'll wish you were watching that should you ever chance upon Dead Silence, which indulges in the horror of people who can mummies talk without moving their lips. Unfortunately, it looks as though the ventrilohorror subgenre won't catch on. -Doom |
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I'VE PUT A STOP TO HIS LOONEY TUNES 2008-06-10 |
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Finally! The 'franchise' is over! It really is a 'franchise' by the time you get to Urban Legends 3: Bloody Mary, because it has little if anything to do with either of the previous movies. The concept of an urban legend killer has gone from 'that's a cute idea' to 'yeah, whatever', by the filmmakers as well as the public. It took a lot of drinking to work up the energy to care about this shit. -Doom |
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I'VE PULLED THE TRIGGER IN THE RECORD ROOM 2008-06-09 |
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Urban Legends: Final Cut tries to replace Alicia Witt with Cameron and, more importantly, The Jackson with that fuck Joey Lawrence. You know, Blossom's Joey? Do people still know what or who Blossom is? No? Good. You can also expect film school, Anthony Anderson, questionable fealty to the urban legends gimmick and not enough nudity. Also, it's my 1000th article. Jesus Christ. -Doom |
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I'VE PULLED THE TRIGGER IN THE RECORD ROOM 2008-06-08 |
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The first of our three reviews of the Urban Legend series. First is, obviously, Urban Legend by Commando and myself. You know we couldn't resist reviewing when we found out it starred The Jackson. -Doom |
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I'VE GOT A SUPERMANIC SOUL 2008-06-07 |
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Last update's schlock may not've been horror enough for you, but Monkeybone sure fucking is. -Doom |
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I HAD IT WITH MY NON-ADEQUATE EXCUSE 2008-06-06 |
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Senseless isn't exactly horror; it's nominally a 90s comedy using a plot device more reminiscent of 80s bullshit like Weird Science. And it stars Marlon Wayans, David Spade and Matthew Lillard. Scary enough for you? -Doom |
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SAW MY REFLECTION IN A SPOON 2008-06-05 |
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Furioso and I take aim at Swimfan. Remember Swimfan? It told us what would happen if Fatal Attraction had a lot less rabbit boiling and a lot more crazy stalker woman harassing guy through e-mail and IM. -Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-04 |
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Lots of entertainment-related shit for you today. The Schlocktoberfest offering is the Black Christmas Remake Review; they made a remake for...I don't fucking know why. Billy isn't exactly Freddy. Nor are the villains in The Strangers, unless you consider uncontrollable wheezing to be imposing. Television reviews include one of Fantastic Four: "Imperius Rex" and another detailing the flaws in the Captain Planet episode "Rain of Terror". The villain is played by Jeff Goldblum! The Blum, people! Finally, some comics shit, with a Final Crisis #1 Review, a King-Size Hulk Review and the Brand New Day Month 5 Roundtable to spend your time reading in between pathetic masturbation to Megan Fox. You worthless motherfucker. -Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-03 |
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Who doesn't love movies about bitches trying to find their lost children? Us. Check out our review of The Forgotten, a loathsome Julianne Moore vehicle which asks the question: what is funnier, drunk Dominic West or a third act swerve that makes no sense? We'll leave the answer up to you. -Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-02 |
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Corky Romano. CORKY ROMANO. That is the only thing that needs to be said. -Doom |
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WELL IT'S A BRUTAL SMELL OF DEATH 2008-06-01 |
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Here's something you won't see often: an update comprised of articles meant for a site event that never happened. The original plan after the Asians bought us out would be for the site to change hands three more times before returning to normalcy. One of those changes would be the Nazis buying the site and using it as a means to espouse their pro-McCain/anti-nigger agenda. Since the Asian event took longer than expected, to say the least, this and the other two were scrapped. But since I had finished a couple of the articles before that decision, I've decided to round out the content to fit into one update and show it to you as what might have been. Who knows, maybe you'll see the updates intended for the other two weeks eventually too. Guys - Todd Howard shows why living under a Nazi regime isn't that bad. Obama for President! - Adolf Hitler endorses the candidate for change. Israel/Palestine: The Zero State Solution - Charlie Sykes has an innovative idea about how to achieve peace in the Middle East. Myspace Loser Week 94 - Did you know Myspace is used by pedos and niggers? Concerned Citizen does now. Facebook Idiot Week 65 - Lorne updates us about 'blacktivism' and its role in the Jewish-owned Facebook. YouTube Fuckhead Week 12 - Charlie Sykes is all about making sure those Jude activists keep quiet. Blog Moron Week 22 - Michael Richards HATES Kanye West almost as much as I do. Oh yes, and one more thing: Schlocktoberfest is starting again this month, despite the fact that it's not October nor a particularly heavy saturation month of horror movies. Well, who cares. The first one is Antz, certainly a horror film if I've ever seen one, written by myself and Nixon. Remember Nixon? Yeah, me neither. -Doom |
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