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The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
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Coma Black 2008-08-31 |
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So, professional whore Joe Biden is the VP candidate. Find out here why it's such an awful idea: Joe Biden: WHORE! Some weekly crap for you to peruse: Blog Moron Week 35: Sad. Just...sad. Facebook Idiot Week 78: Joe Biden for VP! Hey look it's the bane of my existence, Nights: Journey of Dreams Review! I spent more time trying to review this piece of shit than London Taxi Fuckoff Hour. You guys are lucky I didn't Cho out. DCU Brave Old World Disguised as Brave New World is another article that took a long time to complete due to several co-writers not doing their fucking work. So imagine this review is from whenever the fuck the shitty one-shot I'm reviewing came out. It explains a lot, like kind words about fat piece of garbage Joe Quesada. A reprieve from bile: Thunderbolts: Faith in Monsters Review. It's ACTUALLY POSITIVE! That makes it the Daily Raider's, uh, fifth? positive article of 2008. You're witness to something improbable and special, like seeing the Northern Lights from Principal Skinner's kitchen window. -Doom |
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Blood in Face 2008-08-27 |
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Another drinking review because nothing is better for one's health than to drink as part of your 'job'. Chuck Austen returns with his take on what the "freakiest" fetishes are. Well, it beats writing baseball porn manga, I would suppose. It took me months, but London Taxi Rush Hour is finally done. Once you read its description you'll understand the delay. Jedi reviews some game, Company of Heroes: Opposing Fronts. Hope it's better than the bilge I reviewed. Did you know Spider-Man got fucked when he was a kid? Here's some education for you. Sidekicks are useless for superheroes. Here's why. Here's also why Superman comics suck, if we define "Superman comics" as Superman #677. -Doom |
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Consume for Vengeance 2008-08-24 |
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More hastily written trash for you worthless wastoid burnouts who have nothing better to do with their inevitably disappointing "lives" to read. My day was shitty and it's going to get shittier until the disintegration of my mind as a rational entity capable of making decisions and processing information. If you believe this too negative or it's insulting towards your person, go fuck yourself. Here's the bullshit: Eureka - Breaking news, SciFi Channel produces a shitty TV show!!! Guild Wars Review - This is a video game review. Too Human Review - A video game again confirms my desire to not play fucking video games anymore. High School Reunion - Rammspieler recounts his version of the most useless event for one to partake in besides religious services, the high school reunion. I hope my high school reunion takes place in an abattoir. Facebook Idiot 77 - The only good thing to come of Georgia was Stalin. Blog Moron 34 - wherein we disparage a homosexual gamer for his apparent character flaws. It's a hard argument to make that a Harry Potter earned the right to breathe in oxygen. Carbon monoxide, though? Very easy. YouTube Fuckhead 24 - created not out of artistic integrity but desperation to fill space. It's obviously a fucking classic. I'm off to drink shitty coffee and try to remind myself I used to have promise as a human being before pissing it all away on self-indulgent substance abuse and overinvestment of untrustworthy Little Eichmanns whose contributions to "society" are outweighed by their intellectual penury and vampiric sociopathy. Anyone thinking this is a veiled attack on themselves can fuck off. -Doom |
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Resolution 2008-08-20 |
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I'm too fucking drunk/hungover/whatever. You know what these things are, you delineate. Fuck. Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Vinas Chilenas Chardonnay 2007 Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Charles Shaw White Zinfandel -Doom |
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Slaves 2008-08-17 |
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Two new wine reviews here and here. I don't have the problem, YOU have the problem. Although the year's not yet over, I think I saw the funniest horror movie of 2008. Check out my Mirrors Review. You'll agree with me once you finish reading it. It's been a while since we checked in on our Nazi pals at www.stormfront.org, so we cooked up this little article: Stormfront loves Ron Paul. Sorry for ignoring you guys! Ron Paul '08! YouTube, Facebook, Blog. You know the drill.
-Doom |
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Zerospace 2008-08-13 |
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The DXM Hangover establishes why sometimes drinking far above the recommended amount of cough syrup is not a good idea. We've got some TV shit going on with Fringe Review, My Boys Review, Hard Knocks Review. Each a different genre, all shitty. Video game review: King of Fighters XI Review. We close out the night with some Apatow Frat Pack nonsense in Step Brothers Review and Pineapple Express Review. -Doom |
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Plastic Messiah 2008-08-10 |
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Here are some articles you may or may not enjoy. First, my article on my trip to Toronto, as I promised. It wasn't that delayed. The weekly features, Blog, Facebook and YouTube are up next and all are by me and concern current-ish events. Hulk #5 is a team-up between Banner and myself, and it concerns Red Hulk beating Thor. Goddamnit. My bimonthly rabid takedown of the Dems is here and finally is Ronin writing about how fucking useless he is, a subject perfect for his skills. More later, folks. -Doom |
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Back from Canada 2008-08-06 |
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I was in Canada, Toronto specifically, seeing Nine Inch Nails perform some self-indulgent whining for $80. Hey, I'm able to drink without a fake ID up there, so whatever. As such, I'm burning off a lot of booze review articles both because I had a fair amount to drink there and this shit is easy to write. Far easier than anything of substance anyway. Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Fish Eye Cabernet Sauvignon: Wine! Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Not So Canadian Canadian Edition: KWV Chenin Blanc: More Wine! Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon: More Wine! Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Canadian Edition: Dan Aykroyd Cabernet Shiraz: Wine from Canada! Yes, I enter the cutthroat world of celebrity alcohol. What Aykroyd will it be, 80s Aykroyd or today Aykroyd? Find out! Doom the Funky Alcoholic Liquor Review: Canadian Edition: Russian Prince Vodka: Surprisingly not made in Russia. Nine Inch Nails Lights in the Sky 2008 Tour Review: AWITHA TEETHA Space Chimps Review: This is a real movie. My take on Canada will come in the next update or two, depending on when I finish it. -Doom |
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Fourth Also Anniversary 2008-08-03 |
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[23:52] Generalissimo Furioso:
So, it's finally here, anniversary time. There's nothing all that
special about the anniversary of a website, especially one that I didn't
know would ever celebrate something as ancillary as an anniversary -Doom |
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Fourth Anniversary 2008-07-30 |
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Welcome to the first of our two updates commemorating the site's 4th anniversary. Four years and one day ago, I started up this little operation with little more than a wing and a prayer (prayer excluded). Now look at it! We've more than doubled the initial reader base. I wonder what is in store for our future? 100 readers? 200? Well, let's not get too unrealistic here. Anyway, onward with the not special at all articles: Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Terra Andina Sauvignon Blanc You know you're an alcoholic when... Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Tisdale Chardonnay Elect More and Better Democrats See how fucking great those are? Damn right. -Doom |
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More! 2008-07-27 |
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So here I am, about to tell you of the new articles the site has to offer to you little victims. YouTube Fuckhead Week 20: AspieGirl X-Files 2: I Want To Believe Review (Original Mix) X-Files 2: I Want To Believe Review (Fanboy Mix) Blog Moron Week 30: Alas, a blog Facebook Idiot Week 73: Rudy Giuliani Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Rex Goliath Cabernet Sauvignon McGee guilty? McGee guilty? MCGEE GUILTY! These articles run the gamut of perplexing to insightful to highly disturbing. Guess which article corresponds to each point on the spectrum! -Doom |
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Articles! 2008-07-23 |
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Doom, Black Goliath: Joe Quesada: Doom: Hardcore Gamer, Ms. Feminist: Raider/Counter-Raider: Fat Princess Jedi Guardian: -Doom |
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More bullshit 2008-07-20 |
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Jesus Christ am I hungover. I should stop drinking, but maybe my life should stop sucking first. Anyway! Articles! They exist. You can read them. Watchmen Merchandise: The potential of it all! is an article about how much I'm dreading the upcoming film by Zach Snyder. Or should I say anticipating? No, I shouldn't. I'm tired so I don't feel like doing pithy nonsense for descriptions of these. Figure out this shit on your own. YouTube Fuckhead Week 19: Zyxz, Blog Moron Week 29: Hip and Thigh, Facebook Idiot Week 72: John McCain for President Doom the Funky Alcoholic Liqueur Review: Peppermint Schnapps -Doom |
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Clever, Abrasive Phrase 2008-07-16 |
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It's libel time with Tony Snow: One Less Blue Eyed Devil in the World and Guys, I think we need to seriously stop the Iraq War, the latter of which is written by a familiar face, I suppose. Comics are reviewed once again with Ultimates 3 #4 Review and Final Crisis: Requiem Review getting the standard Raider treatment, by which I mean we insult the author for daring to express himself creativity, his family for being related to him and make copious Shield references. Speaking of Shield references, Street Kings Review. It's got Keanu Reeves...AND JON KAVANAUGH. Meet Dave Review because why the fuck not. And to close it off, the debut of a new feature, Daily Raider News. Daily Raider News: J Dilla Still Dead will be the first in a hopefully long line of fake journalism. It's better than the Post. -Doom |
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Suck my update 2008-07-13 |
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Yeah, here's some shit you can read or not read since we do not yet live in a totalitarian society wherein Raider reading is mandatory. It'll happen one day...the same time this shit ever turns a profit. First is Myspace Loser Week 100: The End, which is exactly what it sounds like. No more Myspace. Shit was running on fumes for a while anyway. That means from now on only 7 articles on Sunday as opposed to the usual 8. You'll have not as many articles to not read, folks! 100 Names for Generalissimo Furioso and 100 Names for Nerdlinger: because if there's one thing to do on a friend's birthday, it's viciously insult them. Flashpoint Review and Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Charles Shaw Sauvignon Blanc are unique because they cover subjects such as crappy programming no one would possibly watch and an affirmation that I like getting drunk. Bet you didn't know that before. What would you say if I said this week's was the best Facebook ever? Well, it doesn't matter, because this is the most frivolous and what happens when a writer doesn't have ideas. Behold, Facebook Idiot Week 71: You Won't Believe You Just Read That!. YouTube Fuckhead Week 18: IAmWasabi shows why fat people shouldn't be recorded. Blog Moron Week 28 was originally about Perez Hilton but then I figured out showing Perez Hilton shit might have some of my beloved retarded 12 year old readers seizure like those Japanese kids. Instead, some Republican asshole! Didn't see that coming, did you? Update over. More later.
-Doom |
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I will never be young, I will never be loved 2008-07-09 |
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More writing things you probably won't read because you'd rather be reading Digg or Something Awful or some other example of new media detritus. Those of you stupid enough to hold onto this sinking ship, you're in luck, though. You get to read shit by the three people who still continue to fucking bother with this shit! I came across the wonder of seeing The Shield in syndication. Check out my Edited Shield article for more information. Furioso and I wrote this Blinx 2 Review for educational purposes. Now you'll know not to play anything involving cats. Two Hancock reviews, the latter of which is Josiah X's black resistence review of the motion picture starring lovable cartoon character Will Smith. Since we hate you and comics and Spider-Man, Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 6 Roundtable. Finally, two articles from our features section by guest writers: You can't spell death without 'death' by the Sad Clown and Seat belt Laws by the Libertarian. More later. -Doom |
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Fourth of Fuck Off 2008-07-06 |
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America sucks. Deal with it. So what have we on this fine day? Well, more fucking words about things, I suppose. Did you expect anything special? Well, if so, you're a fucking moron. MLB 2K8 shows why the Wii should be reluctant to have sports games. Stop-Loss has indie darling Levitt AND Channing Tatum. How could I possibly hate it? Surprisingly Unironic Books 2: Team Bush is the latest in my series of articles about hilarious books that don't mean to be hilarious. The Trial of McGee returns Michael McGee to the solo article form. But one article can't restrain MCGEE! Prison might, though. Then some weekly shit I mostly did by myself this time! Imagine that. Facebook Idiot Week 70: Boycott the Beijing Olympics - Cat Killers YouTube Fuckhead Week 17: Gothic Liberation Front Blog Moron Week 27: I am the King's Good Servant, But God's First More shit later, y'all. -Doom |
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More fucking jokes 2008-07-02 |
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Yes, indeed, this update is more fucking jokes about shit we shouldn't really care about anymore. As such, here's some fucking reviews of stupid comics published by comics who stagnate the medium through devoting almost all resources to static licensing characters whose exploits are required to stay within set parameters befitting their existences as trademarks of negligible artistic value. Here's one now, Peter Parker, informing you readers that Being friends with the Devil is awesome. There are also reviews of Titans #3 and Hulk #4. Oh, who gives a shit anymore. Here's another goddamn Fantastic Four TV show review, hopefully the last one. The episode the article pertains to was written by Dan Slott, so expect some sweeping generalizations about a man whose existence we judge based on some white male power fantasies he wrote for a corporation in exchange for money. The Bill Engvall Show Review shows you don't need to be Jeff Foxworthy or Larry the Cable Installer to be an evil redneck. Drink, drink, drink: Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Foxhorn Chardonnay More fucking white male power fantasies, albeit in video game form: The Incredible Hulk (Wii) Review. It contains one of the most tenuous guest appearance writing things ever. -Doom |
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