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The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.

 

Enthropy: The Robert De Niro Story 2010-10-11

 

 

Remember how everyone loved Heat? Well, take Heat, make it terrible and have it star Skeletor and the Cryptkeeper. It sounds terrible? Well, too late, it's already been made, you fucking victim. Righteous Kill will make you remember on your death bed that grown men had the names of Turk and Rooster.

-Doom

Doom

 

It's Gojira! 2012-10-25

 

 

Japan don't give a fuck about yo intellectual property rights, as Paranormal Activity: Tokyo Night shows. While now there are approximately 30,000 sequels to Loud Thuds and Lunkheaded Idiots Screaming at Each Other: The Motion Picture, this fine film was the first, an unlicensed followup that establishes demons have free floating jurisdiction and are not confined to a specific county, state or country, nor are they fucked over by demon gerrymandering. Well, just wait for Tom DeLay to get to Hell...

-Doom

Doom

 

Nice idea, democracy. 2012-10-23

 

 

America's thing with these goddamn debates is getting out of hand. Thank Satan it's over now, until the inevitable midterm circus and a full slate of garbage in 2015/2016. Hopefully Iran's got the bomb and is willing to use it by then...

Also, it is alucidreality's birthday today, a decent fellow I consider a good friend in spite of his ethnic handicap. Happy birthday, you greasy wop bastard! Now get back to work in the Raider salt mines. I'm sure there's an episode of Felicity there with your name on it.

-Doom

Doom

 

Moth: The Butterfly's Ugly Cousin 2012-10-02

 

 

Today we've got The Moth Diaries, an Irish-Canadian film that is essentially Twilight if it sucked more. I don't know how I got through it either.

-Doom

Doom

 

Dial P for Psycho 2012-10-01

 

 

Welcome (?) to the Daily Raider's...some number annual Schlocktoberfest extravaganza, wherein every day we take aim at something horror-related. (The definition of horror can and will be stretched and mangled at any time at our discretion.) Our first entry is House at the End of the Street, a movie that dares to be as generic as possible with its title and with its content. But it's got Jennifer Lawrence in a white tank top for about the last 30 minutes, so you could do worse if you want to pull a Paul Reubens in the theatre. Just don't do it at a matinee showing, have some goddamn self-respect.

-Doom

Doom

 

Eight is enough 2012-07-31

 

 

Well, not really. Though this is our eighth anniversary of starting up this little operation, we have no intention of stopping, despite the rash of writers leaving due to frayed personal relationships with the site caretaker (i.e., me) and my increasing addiction to alcohol, benzos, cocaine and painkillers. Those aspects and a lack of consistent readership would convince sane people to give up and become investment bankers, but not us. We'll be around until President Santorum closes down the Internet for our own safety. I'd like to thank such site luminaries as Jazz/The Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, Jedi Guardian, Ed Gein, Jurassic3000, Bruce Banner, alucidreality and Hierophant for sticking by me in such troubled times. You could've deleted my semi-coherent "WRITE SOMETHING GODDAMNIT" e-mails or done something to dissuade me from my Quixotic quest. But you reading this shit doesn't care about that, you want to read the articles Frankensteined into a vaguely coherent update.

Here they fucking are, you little victims!

Bryce Harper, Conservative Hero, Mark Judge, Inveterate Idiot: The Daily Caller wrote an article about creepy Washington National Mormon Bryce Harper. It...wasn't good.

Bristol Palin: Life's A Tripp Review: You know what this fucking thing is, people.

A Thousand Words Review: Eddie Murphy proves the tranny fucking was the peak of his career with an incoherent parable "comedy".

Chernobyl Diaries Review: YEAH EXPLOITATION OF OTHER NATIONS' TRAGEDIES FOR BAD HORROR MOVIES FUCKIN' ROCKS DUDE

Episode 50 Review: If you've found something for the first time on NetFlix, just don't.

Superman vs. the Elite Review: Superman doesn't superman that ho, nor does he superman ANY hos.

The Resident Review: A film that asks you to find Hilary Swank in any way erotic.

These might not be the greatest articles to grace the site, but they are articles that have been written by beloved contributors such as me, the Red Fox and Rapeman. We hope to give you more consistent coverage of Western Civilization's ongoing decline, but you know, moving Raider HQ and happy hour can always complicate things. At the very least you can count on there being an update at some point in the future, or possibly the past.

See you, space cowboy.

-Doom

Doom

 

Jesus Christ the Democrats better win 2012-06-03

 

 

Hey kids, I know at the Daily Raider we don't take much seriously, but if Scott Walker wins his recall election we're going to be very bitter and very drunk. We're already enough of that as it is, so fucking vote for Tom Barrett, all right? Thanks.

Here's our special "Fuck Scott Walker" content:

Facebook Idiot Week 318: Alex Walker

Blog Moron Week 277: Ann Althouse

YouTube Fuckhead Week 267: The Best Stupid Fucking Videos Related To The Recall

2012 Governor's Debate 2: Union Thug Partisan #511 vs. Tweedledum

The Scott Walker Glorious 4 Year Plan

Tom Barrett: I can't believe this is even a question

Barack Obama: This is my face when I'm fucking you in the ass, Wisconsin

I got no commentary on these because I spent a booze-filled weekend finishing all this shit. My fingers are close to bleeding.

Thank you and good night. We at the Daily Raider will be drinking in either victory or sorrow for the next many days.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Statham Statham Statham 2008-10-09

 

 

Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham.

-Doom

Doom

 

Big Fat Man Is Big Fat Dead 2012-03-04

 

 

Andrew Breitbart's dead! He's finally dead! Goddamn, I should've put that shithead in my yearly deadpool. Oh well. We've got a goddamn smorgasbord of Breitbart-related content for you little victims, starting with my Andrew Breitbart retrospective. Well, it's not so much a retrospective as it is an explanation for why you should be happy the fat fuck's heart imploded like the Kingdome.

Of course, Breitbart didn't die of a heart attack, not really. That's too easy, which is why we offer 100 ways Andrew Breitbart might've really died. Two ladies contribute to that, proving even the Raider is suspectible to the creep of Feminazism. There's also The Gayest Reactions to Andrew Breitbart's Death, also known as me mocking people for getting emotional about the live action model in the latest Winnie the Pooh movie dying from a deadly bee and masturbation attack.

Here's some weekly shit, all about conservative assholes...ugh, my liver's been punished lately. Anyway, read 'em!

Blog Moron Week 262: Big Freakout

Facebook Idiot Week 305: It's the most wonderful time of the yeeear...

YouTube Fuckhead Week 252: Politichicks: Zo and Whittle's Excellent Adventure

Did you? If you didn't, fucking read them. If you  did, read them again.

Finally, here's a review of Blade: The Anime, because there's only so much Breitbart can take without committing suicide. Check it out, Augustus Hill's the voice of Blade. Yes, Snipes is still in jail. We're working on getting Obama to issue a pardon. It takes some time, Snipesaholics!

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Erik 2008-11-12

 

 

Previously, on the Raider:

Chou: The Yellow Claw, the Mao drug cartel head of security.

J. Jonah Jameson: You heard Vic turned in his writing badge yesterday? That leaves me to be your most important instrument in the Mao cartel investigation.

SCENE CHANGE

Chou: We're not sure you're valuable to this investigation.

Doom: Just give me some time to get cozied up to this Yellow Claw guy.

SCENE CHANGE

Yellow Claw: You want to prove yourself to me? I never want to see Miyamoto again.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: Yellow Claw sent me to kill you. Luckily for you, I work for Julia Chou. I'm gonna need you to give me back her file before I bring her in.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: We're gonna need to convince Claw that I took out Miyamoto.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: A colleague of yours committed suicide tonight. That means there's a hole in your organization. Where do I submit an application?

SCENE CHANGE

Lemansky: Richard Nixon hired you to kill Rammspieler?

SCENE CHANGE

Jurassic: Why does Nixon want you dead?

Rammspieler: Vic thinks Nixon was waiting at his place last night.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: There's a reward waiting for anyone who can deliver him.

SCENE CHANGE

Brandon Reyes: Your writer buddies are paying 10 Gs for your head, ese.

Nixon: You've got almost a hundred grad in there, that's more than enough to keep walkin'!

SCENE CHANGE

Nixon: As punishment for the shit you tried to pull today, there is a written confession of one of your many sins on its way to the Raider addressed to Margaret J. Since you caused us to lose all of our cash today, you're going to replace it.

Doom: We're gotta figure out a way to put a hundred grand in Nixon's hands by tomorrow afternoon.

SCENE CHANGE

Rammspieler: I'm gonna run.

Doom: Give me one last shot. If I fail, we both run.

SCENE CHANGE

Jurassic: Patricia, this is Margaret J. All I want from this is Vic Von Doom.

SCENE CHANGE

Patricia: Malice is working with the cops.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Darryl 2008-10-08

 

 

Previously, on the Raider:

Doom: I'm targeting Shigeru Miyamoto.

Nixon: Jameson's one man campaign bankroll?

Doom: He's buying up the Raider with yakuza money.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: Blackmail. That's how Miyamoto's getting everyone on board the train to Chinatown.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: Where's the blackmail box?

J. Jonah Jameson: I am now in possession of the box, until the time is right to turn it over to ThinkProgress.

SCENE CHANGE

Shigeru Miyamoto: What about the files?

Doom: The Jews have the blackmail box.

SCENE CHANGE

Shigeru Miyamoto: Jewker has taken something that belongs to me.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: I need a quick Jewish political win.

Jameson: The city controller, Tom Barrett.

Doom: He's in the blackmail box?

SCENE CHANGE

Jameson: Tom, oh my god!

SCENE CHANGE

Jameson: I want Miyamoto in prison and out of my life NOW.

SCENE CHANGE

Shigeru Miyamoto: Von Doom, this is Mr. Negative. Negative will speak for me.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: If Negative gets spooked, we lose our best shot at Miyamoto.

Jameson: That fed in the writer's room-

Doom: Agent Chou's looking to take down the Yakuza. Tying Miyamoto to them is win-win for all of us.

Doom: She's in the blackmail box?

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: How long has Miyamoto had his hooks in you?

Chou: I thought it was a tradeoff I could live with. I've kept you out of the mix. I'm in this so deep and I don't know how to get myself out.

Doom: You're talking to the right guy.

SCENE CHANGE

Rammspieler: Hanging with Nixon is gonna push our heads under.

Doom: We need Nixon right now. You know what's at stake here for me. Nixon's Jewish friends can get to our families any time they want.

SCENE CHANGE

Jazz: Nixon? [explosion]

Nixon: Jazz I'm sorry!

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: And the way he died...shit.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: AND HE NEVER TURNED ON US! You killed him because you were scared. He was strong and you were a coward!

Nixon: All I was doing was following your gameplan, coach.

Doom: You don't get to do what you did for free. You're going to pay that bill.

 

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Flashback 2009-01-28

 

 

All right, let's get this shit over with, it's the morning and I am running dangerously low on cheap wine. We've got an array of content, and by we I mean I. Well, that's not entirely fair. I only wrote or co-wrote six of the articles in the update.

Let's start out with a pair of comics reviews, Mighty Avengers #21 and Wolverine: Evolution, the latter of which is the worst Jeph Loeb comic ever. It's so bad it could be written by Chuckles Austen. Bride Wars is another fucking thing I sat through for the purposes of...fuck it, I don't know anymore. The weekly/inevitable Smallville review sees Clark go undercover as a cop. Also, the black guy is shot. What black guy? Exactly.

So, how about that economy? It sure does suck. Especially for us because most of don't have jobs, or futures, or reasons not to jump out the window like suicidal traders. Nonetheless, here's 50 ways the Daily Raider is dealing with the economic depression.

Raider/Counter-Raider: Should Bush be Executed? is exactly what you think it is. NOTE TO ALL LAW ENFORCEMENT: WE DON'T REALLY WANT TO SEE BUSH EXECUTED. WE JUST WANT TO HAVE A BEER WITH HIM...SO HE FALLS OFF THE WAGON AND GETS KILLED IN A DRUNK DRIVING ACCIDENT.

Finally, Jedi remembered we have a PC section. Good for him! Here's Dawn of War II Preview.

Now fuck off, you cunts, I have some feeling like shit to do!

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Death 2008-10-10

 

 

The Jewker and I lambaste Shutter, a remake of a gook film starring none other than teen heatthrob Joshua Jackson. If you'd like to know more about Mr. Jackson, you can likely come across him at a Motel Six, where he blows men 9 months out of the year. If you'd like to know more about Asian gash, contact the Jewker, the Raider's expert in banging Asians and perpetuating the Holocaust myth (those two things are mutually exclusive as far as we know).

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Nigga 2008-10-16

 

 

You know the drill. This time it's Quarantine.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Super Terrific Happy Hour 2008-10-31

 

 

Gossip. Sure, on the face of it it may not qualify as a horror movie, but what would you call a movie starring James Marsden and Joshua Jackson?

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Christ 2008-10-28

 

 

Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning Review. Perhaps the scariest film I've ever seen, and perhaps the most inept film I've ever seen.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: More like Detective Unstabler! 2008-10-25

 

 

Hollow Man 2 Review. Kevin Bacon is replaced by Christian Slater. That's like going from a Big Mac to whatever's in the dumpster behind Arby's.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Ruck Zuck 2008-10-24

 

 

Hollow Man Review time, fuckers. It's like the Invisible Man, only presumably the man's bones are hollow, allowing him the ability to fly. Or at least glide. At least.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Fuckit 2008-10-23

 

 

The thing is, there are no laws in this country against making direct to video sequels to shitty movies. There should be, but there aren't. So that's how I introduce Joy Ride 2, which is 100% less Zahnier.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink. 2008-10-22

 

 

Previously, on the Raider:

Doom: My hearing now is how to bring down Miyamoto in the ten days I can still write.

SCENE CHANGE

Jameson: Miyamoto is one of the biggest contributors to my campaign. When these files turned up at my office, I realized Miyamoto was using them to blackmail prominent citizens.

Hazen: The yakuza is using Miyamoto as a front. This is an Alternet investigation.

SCENE CHANGE

Chou: Hazen is making this case a priority.

Doom: He needs someone on the inside and that only means me.

SCENE CHANGE

Chou: Miyamoto's guard is up.

Doom: That's why I have to give him back the blackmail box.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: I have a plan that'll give Jazz the justice he deserves.

SCENE CHANGE

Nixon: I'll take a look around.

SCENE CHANGE

Nixon: Vic and Rammie tried to kill me tonight, think I'm too stupid to even realize it.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: Now we have no idea what Nixon knows, what he suspects or what he'll do.

SCENE CHANGE

[Rammspieler beats down Michael McGee.]

Michael McGee: I think he broke my goddamn jaw!

SCENE CHANGE

Jenna: McGee snatched her by the hair, bashed her in the face, I knew I wasn't goin' see that breezy again.

SCENE CHANGE

Nixon: Thug Mike... I arrest you or you work with me.

Michael McGee: Work with you how?

Nixon: I need your help gettin' rid of somebody. That's gonna mean lookin' somebody in the eye, pullin' the trigger, though.

Michael McGee: You ain't serious.

Nixon: You don't know how goddamn serious I am.

 

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Uncle Leo. Forgot his first name. 2008-10-15

 

 

Previously, on the Raider:

Doom: I'm targeting Shigeru Miyamoto.

Nixon: Jameson's one man campaign bankroll?

Doom: He's buying up the Raider with yakuza money.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: Blackmail. That's how Miyamoto's getting everyone on board the train to Chinatown.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: Miyamoto's got it in his head that the Jews have the blackmail box.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: I need a quick Jewish political win.

Jameson: The city controller, Tom Barrett.

Doom: He's in the blackmail box?

SCENE CHANGE

Jameson: Tom, oh my god!

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: That was a goddamn assassination!

SCENE CHANGE

Jameson: I want Miyamoto in prison and out of my life NOW.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: Agent Chou's looking to take down the cartel. She's in the blackmail box?

SCENE CHANGE

Jameson: I'm turning over the box to ThinkProgress.

Doom: What about Julia?

Jameson: If she's going to be dragged down to bust Miyamoto, so be it.

SCENE CHANGE

Jazz: Nixon? [explosion]

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: You just dropped a grenade in his lap, and what you'd do, just run?

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: I have a plan that'll give Jazz the justice he deserves.

SCENE CHANGE

Jewker: This is taking too long.

Nixon: I'll take a look around.

SCENE CHANGE

Doom: We've gotta pull Nixon out of there, man, we still have a choice.

Rammspieler: Do you think that Nixon gave Jazz a choice?

Doom: I'm not Nixon.

SCENE CHANGE

Nixon: Where'd you get those Asians, man, I almost got my dick shot off.

Doom: I tried to call you.

Nixon: Yeah, Jewker took my cell phone.

SCENE CHANGE

Patricia: Where you been?

Nixon: Vic and Rammie tried to kill me tonight. You know the worst part is, they think I'm too stupid to even realize it.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Save Me 2008-10-29

 

 

Let's see, what do we got here? Smallville: "Prey" Review, because we're gluttons for punishment and Smallville is among the worst punishments of all. Also from the CW, Valentine. I don't have anything snappy to say about that shit other than it's terrible rubbish.

We're almost to election day, so that means our Iraq War veteran Freakface has some shit to say, in FREAKFACE ABOUT ELECTION.

Since it's October, every update includes an entry in Schlocktoberfest. Instead of telling you what it is, why don't you choose for yourself from the following:

Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 10 Roundtable

Venom: Funeral Pyre Review

Hulk #7 Review

Squadron Supreme 2 #4 Review

Personally, I think Funeral Pyre is the scariest/crappiest.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Flicker 2008-10-04

 

 

Next up, I Know What You Did Last Summer Review. I know what I did last summer: drink, do drugs and...the rest is pretty blurry, actually. I wish I didn't remember this film.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: St. Edith 2008-10-03

 

 

On tap for tonight: House on Haunted Hill. But which one am I referring to, the Vincent Price cult classic or the Geoffrey Rush cult nothing? You needn't ask the question, for if you know us at all, you know the answer instinctively. Schlocktoberfest 2008 Part II: Now with more Chris Kattan!

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: We've Got A Bigger Problem Now 2008-10-02

 

 

Today's entry in Schlocktoberfest may be the scariest one yet: Rock Star. Mark Wahlberg, Jennifer Aniston and heavy metal of the 80s. Carnac says it's three things you'll definitely encounter in Hell. Shit, I'll have to pack my coffin with all my KMFDM CDs if that's the case.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Secret Skin 2008-10-01

 

 

Hey, it's October! You know what that means: Schlocktoberfest. First up is Ninja Cheerleaders, which is exactly what it sounds like, plus the gay guy from Star Trek. You know which one I'm talking about.

Smallville: "Plastique" Review is what it says it is. No, you can't stop us from writing about this shit.

Politics refuses to go away, so I threw together two articles about repositioning Muslims as the new Evil Empire and the GOP's latest code for "A NIGGER COULD WIN!" Check out Muslims: Our New Soviet Union and 'Inexperienced' is the new 'black', bitches.

Plus, we're never getting sick of comics. Well, at least never getting sick of making fun of bad comics, as this trio of reviews will show you: Ultimate X-Men: Absolute Power Review by myself, which depicts the dangers of the Steel Man from The Wizard of Oz taking drugs; Hulk #6 by Banner and his alter ego, more of the same Loeb crap, and the clusterfuck we like to call Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 9 Roundtable.

-Doom

Doom

 

RAIDER CLASSIC: Apple of Sodom  2008-09-14

 

 

Take off your Sunday best and put on a KMFDM tee and cargo pants, because it's Raider Time TM! Mr. Beam, I presume tries to teach you ingrates to appreciate a whiskey that blurs the line between bum and normal.

The fall television season is getting started, and you know what that means: I try to review all the new shit, which leads to increasing amount of alcohol until I'm a shambling mess haunting the UWM campus, muttering shit about the CW killing my dreams. It seems only appropriate to start out with the Dub's new piece of shit, Privileged. How fucked up is it that I'm looking forward to the return of Smallville (or what our experts call The Ville?) Oh well, it's difficult to stay angry for long when the muthafucking SHIELD is on the air. See my attempts at criticism here with "Snitch"!

...and then there's Saturday Night Live: Season 34, Episode 1: Kill Me Now. I think that's self-explanatory as fuck.

Let's cap things off with the regulars: Blog by Ramm, Furioso and myself; YouTube: Jon Stewart is a fucking pussy by Furioso and myself; and I go it alone (albeit with an assist from our favorite veteran) for Facebook Idiot Week 80. These actually weren't the soul sucking grind they usually are. Woo!

Don't think these are RAIDER CLASSICS? Well, fuck you. If Marvel can put out the oxymoronic Essential Dazzler, I can dub these whatever the hell I want.

-Doom

Doom

 

 Mysterons 2011-09-11

 

 

Goddamn fucking Charlie Sykes time warp shenanigans! 3 years into the future? Really? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Well, at least we've been transported to my favorite holiday of all time, 9/11. Remember 9/11? It was that fun time when I was Canada and was able to see America lose its shit from the perspective of a dispassionate third party. Since then, the annual celebratory mourning has amused and angered me such that I look forward to the annual outpouring of narcissistic "self-reflection" and grief porn like a kid hoping for a video game system on Christmas. Thankfully, I never get a fucking 3D0 or a Playstation 3 before they realized what all the retarded bits were. 9/11 X (we might as well label them like Super Bowls) lives up to all my expectations and then some.

First, let's get the weekly shit over with. Fortunately, 9/11 provided a multitude of shit to make fun of, like Herman Cain's crazy 9/11 video, 9/11 Facebook Style, 9/11 Tearjerkers, Vol. 1. Yes, I found so much Blog material the 9/11 reaction mockery won't end with this week. At least it'll save me the effort of trying to find new topics to address every time.

We also have some nice guest editorials, such as Rudy Giuliani's 9/11: The Best Lay I Ever Had and Osama bin Laden's Haha, fuck you, America!. How did we get work from a man who's dead? I will answer that question with another question: how did we get work from a man who's dead on the inside? I also penned my own editorial about the problem with 9/11 and the start of the NFL season occurring on the same day. It's titled 9/11 and football: too much for one day and the only time you'll ever see me not...praise, per se, but defend football.

The coup de grace comes in the form of the 9/11 Review in which I argue the whole thing's a bit overblown.

Finally, I have an announcement to make: I'm tired as shit of this time traveling bullshit and after I had Black Goliath threaten to force his black goliath down Charlie Sykes' daughter's throat, he agreed to not send us back and forth in time anymore. But you'll notice there's still about 3 years worth of articles left unpublished. What the fuck to do with that? Well, I'm pleased to announce the institution of RAIDER CLASSIC, a concurrent series of updates that will print articles so classic you've never even read them before. The goal is to do the regular Sunday/Wednesday schedule with as many RAIDER CLASSIC updates in between those as possible. We'll bridge the gap and hopefully we'll start writing so far in advance we'll have reviews of 2012 movies before they even come out. Sure, they might not "bear any relation to what actually happens in the movie", but don't you want to be among the first to know that Hawkeye's wife is raped by ghost cowboy hero and the pair divorce because Avengers don't kill anyone, even if they're a ghost cowboy rapist? Or that Thor dies of AIDS? I thought so.

As I said before, this won't be the last of the 9/11 coverage; I had an overwhelming amount of material and some of it had to be shunted off to subsequent updates, like a dissection of famed drunkard/Neocon twat Christopher Hitchens' noxious "article" on Slate and a couple of 9/11 porno mag reviews. Plus, if you read all of this, you know I've got a fucking video to finish up.

 

-Doom

Doom

 

 Like To Thank My Buddies 2008-09-24

 

 

Fucking time travel, making me miss 9/11. Hopefully the timeline fixes itself and we return from the future soon. I'd really like to be able to update in the present day of September 10th, 2008. C'est la vie, which I believe is French for "goddamnit".

Titans #5 Review: yes, it's still being published, and I'm referring to both this series of reviews and the comic itself.

Since the Daily Raider believes in doing it for the kids (in a fashion that doesn't get us arrested for child trafficking), we've put together some kids show reviews that prove your kids are better off watching The Wire. They'll learn of the crushing mediocrity of bureaucracy and what to do when you hear someone whistling "Farmer in the Dell". So here's TMNT Season 7 Review, Viva Piņata Television Show Review, Wolverine and the X-Men Review and The Life and Times of Juniper Lee Review. That last one? Judd Winick's cartoon. Yeah.

The Raider's election coverage continues with a helpful article detailing how to do your part to canvas for the Obama.

Then there's We Do Things Differently in Nevada. I'm not gonna try to frame it. Figure out the context for yourselves, bitches.

-Doom

Doom

 

 Sour Times 2008-12-10

 

 

Yes, it's an update from the future. Why the fuck do I need to give you an explanation why? I'm God. Just like the character I'm based on, Dr. Manhattan, I perceive time differently. Just get used to it, you motherfuckers, or I'll smite you all and make salamanders the dominant species. You want that, you shit? Planet of the Salamanders? Oh, by the way, the asshole won the presidential election. SPOILERS

Since this is a website written by sick, dateless pricks, most of the articles this time around are about comics, the worst Jewish invention ever. There's Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 11 Roundtable, whatever that means, Hulk #8 Review, Secret Invasion #8, War Machine, Venom: The Enemy Within, something about Wildstorm sucking. I don't know what this shit means, the only comics I read are by Jack Chick. Why don't these godless fags read that shit instead?

There's also a TV review of Celebrity Rehab. I've said it before and I've said it again, I don't care if people do drugs, except if they're black. Oh, Rodney King's in this? Good. It was God's will that beat up that nig.

There'll be another update soon, maybe in the past, maybe the present, maybe the future, maybe never. Who gives a shit?

-God

God