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The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
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Bristol Palin: Life's A Tripp Review |
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Bristol Palin: Life's A Tripp Review by: Doom 2012-07-31 The Palins are the Kennedys of our generation, which explains a lot about our national character. The Kennedys may have been drug addicted, election stealing, robber baron murderers, but there was a class about them that made you glad they were the American royalty. Now what we have for our equivalent to the monarchy as Kennedys keep dying off in increasingly absurd ways is the Bush dynasty of elites playing redneck to gain the support of the easily duped public and the Palin clan, who doesn't have to play redneck at all to achieve success disproportionate to their level of talent. |
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Blade Anime Review |
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by: Doom 2012-03-04 The Marvel anime series is as ill-conceived, if not more so, as the Marvel Mangaverse series of titles that proved Marvel Comics could in fact regurgitate everything they know about Japan into a lot of mediocre books. Blade Anime is terrible like the other ones are terrible: contrived relocation to Japan, an odd mixture of film and comics mythology, poor dialogue, bad dubbing with the usual exception of the one guy they hired who's been in stuff. The "one guy" in this instance is Augustus Hill. My roommate asked me "is that the cripple guy from Oz?" when he heard some of Blade's dialogue. Yes, indeed, it is the cripple guy from Oz. |
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Smallville: "Bulletproof" Review |
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Smallville: "Bulletproof" Review by: Doom 2009-01-28 Among the many things
Smallville doesn't understand, it's the police. At best they saw
a couple of cop movies, like Serpico and Training Day,
and then learned what they could from that shit and slotted the
information into the Smallville-o-matic 2000, which involves
such tone deaf nonsense as Green Arrow complaining about rogue cops
taking the law into their own hands. Clark's day in the life as a
cop soon changes into elements borrowed from The Shield and
several other cop dramas, as his partner Dan Turpin (who doesn't
look ANYTHING like Jack Kirby) belongs to an elite group of
police officers who often take the law into their own hands to
equalize the inadequacies of the justice system. When someone's
acquitted due to fucking ACTIVIST JUDGES, |
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Celebrity Rehab Review |
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by: Doom 2008-12-10 Celebrity Rehab is itself a social contract. The celebrities agree to be shown at their worst in exchange for receiving help that happens to also put them back into the public limelight. The show agrees to serve as a launching pad for career revitalization in exchange for being able to humiliate people for ratings and advertise a rehab center, doctors and drugs care of Big Pharma. Both agree to hold up their end of the deal. Don't you see? It's almost brilliant in its evil. |
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Smallville: "Identity" Review |
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by: Doom 2008-11-12 This episode of Shitville finally addresses one of the key flaws of this permutation of Smallville: why the fuck doesn't anyone realize that Clark Kent has superpowers and is out saving people when not only does he show off his powers openly a number of times, but he also has no costume to speak of. A shitty subplot from "Prey" had Jimmy feeding Clark his speculation about Metropolis having its own superhero. Jimmy gives the mysterious motherfucker a name, the Red-Blue Blur, at which point I dived for the liquor bottle and made my way through emptying it. |
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Smallville: "Bloodline" Review |
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Smallville: "Bloodline" Review by: Doom 2008-11-12 Green Arrow, whose voice sounds more hilarious than Christian Bale's Batman, steals materials Chloe needs in trying to locate Clark and Lois' Phantom Zone whereabouts. Clark and Kara use the exit portal in the Phantom Zone (Kara never left all this time because she didn't want to risk escaping phantoms who could give Clark a spot of trouble for 15 minutes). When returning Lois to Earth, a phantom does indeed go back with her and inhabits her body. And just like Lex was inhabited by Zod for some stupid reason, Zod's wife takes over Lois' body. Jesus Christ, do any of these Kryptonians EVER die?!?!!? The answer, obviously, is no. |
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Valentine Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-29 Do you believe in love? If you do, you're an easily brainwashed idiot. Love does not exist. Sexual congress exists for enjoyment and procreation, and claiming it to be more or attaching significance to the courting procedure before it is just pretentious bullshit meant to elevate humans to something beyond what they truly are: shaved apes with a better capacity for killing. (But I do think a chimp could do some pretty good killing if given enough instruction.) |
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Smallville: "Prey" Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-29 This episode pitches a conflict between Clark and Chloe, with Clark playing the role of the anti-mutant hater and Chloe the supporter who's blind to the more destructive and psychopathic mutants. I don't know who I'm supposed to sympathize with, but both of them are fucking morons. Chloe used to be a manic pixie when it came to documenting those meteor freak assholes (yeah, that's really respecting their privacy and treating them like human beings) and Clark saved her and Lana and black dude and everyone else from them time and time again, yet Chloe is ready to claim Clark's leading a witch hunt? I may be wrong, but from my watching of Smallville, all the meteor freaks have been crazy, criminal or both. |
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Kath and Kim US Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-22 The concept that will of course fuel the rest of the series before cancelled in a couple of seasons or ended prematurely through a Muslim jihad is Kath will be trying to live her life but Kim will fuck it up with her drama and her stupidity, probably resulting in some hilarious circumstances regarding her impending wedding to Mentok the Mindtaker. They'll engage in redneck-lite comedy of errors. A classic setup, right? Yes. It's so classic they'll use it in every fucking episode, I guarantee you. |
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Smallville: "Committed" Review |
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Smallville: "Committed" Review by: Doom 2008-10-22 The psychotic masked dude asks a total of two fucking questions to Jimmy and Chloe and when they answer well enough, he lets them go. I can understand Smallville's writers intended for a lower budget Saw-esque villain, but they didn't do a good job because the guy isn't very imposing. If you don't cheat and don't love someone else, does it necessarily mean you have a loving relationship? |
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Chocolate News Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-22 Soon after the cold opener, show falls into the practice of replicating The Daily Show's correspondent bits, with David Alan Grier taking the role of the person interviewed, whether it be Maya Angelou or a catch-all for rapper decadence Phat Man. Again, these play to expectations. The Maya Angelou bit repeats what Grier has already done with his impression of the poet. Get it, Maya Angelou throws words together randomly to create her poem celebrating Barack Obama's nomination, and her poem celebrating McCain's is of less effort and expresses anger at his election. These jokes take little effort to make. Laziness pretty much defines the show; taking the time to think up original or satirical bits requires time that could be better spent counting money and getting drunk. |
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Rules of Engagement Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-15 Rules of Engagement apparently operates in a dead zone - it may run, but it's fucking invisible. Upon watching that it becomes abundantly clear why; David Spade. David Spade only works successfully within the context of Chris Farley and once Farley croaked, Spade should've been buried alive with him, because his career has gone down an abominable path since then. Joe Dirt. Dickie Roberts. The Benchwarmers. Existing. The only light at the end of the tunnel is Spade can now hire Kevin Farley to help him create Tommy Boy 2. |
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Private Practice Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-15 Were this a 90s Image comic, kid would retaliate by injecting the doctor with his HIV blood against his will. |
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Smallville: "Instinct" Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-15 I always ask where this show can go, since all useable material has been mined to death. For once, I have a decent answer: Smut. Yes, after seven seasons of angst, drama, and shitty special effects, the show decides to spice things up with all the tits and ass allowed on network TV. This was all the softcore porn Smallville audiences could handle, but it was still valid. |
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Worst Week Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-10-08 Plus: only 20 minutes Minus: 20 minutes
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The Ex-List Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-08 Only in television/film land do people really fucking care about what psychics have to say. Also, only in television/film land do psychics' predictions come true. So this chick of moderate hotness goes to a psychic and finds out that a) her future husband will be one of her ex-boyfriends and b) she has a one year period to get married or else she'll never get married. What the fuck? Why? The program never explains why the character is supposed to believe in this shit. But she does, and so she makes a list of all her ex-boyfriends and tracks them down but only when contrived plot device reconnects her to the guy in question. Because, you know, fate, look for the signs, blah blah blah stupid shit. |
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Testees Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-08 Testees destroyed my computer. Some may attribute the destruction to a virus embedded in the video file I downloaded, but I think it's due to the sheer awfulness of the show that my copy of Windows XP decided it was time to go. You know, I wasn't even really mad about the situation. I'd be a hypocrite to claim the episode did not warrant such a reaction. |
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Gary Unmarried Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-10-08 Jay Mohr is a blight upon comedy that needs to be eradicated completely and utterly from the spectrum of entertainment. Now, I'm not a fancy big city TV producer but even if I were I'd never hire Jay Mohr to work on anything I wanted to succeed. The point I'm trying to make is that by watching the show Gary Unmarried, I lost 20 minutes of my life that I could have spent doing things that I actually enjoy or am required to do by contract (like being called a Mexican or getting stuff thrown at me). |
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Fonejacker Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-08 Okay, this...this thing is the product of one pseudo-mastermind comedian Kayvan Novak. See, see! Strange, foreign sounding name just like Sacha Baron International Jewish Conspiracy Cohen. In this rip roaring comedy, the guy calls people under false pretenses and uses funny accents and weird narrative directions to confuse the people on the other end of the line. For example, he poses as a Chinese man who tries to sell someone bootleg DVDs. Woah ho ho!! Comedy genius. And he uses r's in place of l's, which I am sure did not tip off the dupe of the illegitimacy of the call. |
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Smallville: "Plastique" Review |
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Smallville: "Plastique" Review by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-10-01 As Season 8 takes the show to large settings, a naive viewer may expect a higher budget. Yet the show remains as cheap as ever, if not more so (given that three of the main actors left during or after Season 7). You see, when your show's set in a big city, the advantages of Smallville in Smallville dissipate. With the small town, you had a few stationary sets and vague locational approximation of a small town. Metropolis, on the other hand, requires bustling streets, big buildings and so on. Thus, several scenes in "Plastique" obviously take place on a backlot. |
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Wolverine and the X-Men Review |
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Wolverine and the X-Men Review by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-09-24 He's not a fucking leader, he's fucking Wolverine, a mass murdering berserker. Marketing him to children, I don't know, it'd be like if the Punisher led the Avengers. The positions of team leader and team badass cannot be filled by one man. Yet Wolverine and the X-Men tries to have that occur regardless, resulting in a declawed Wolverine who sports none of the badass streak the character ought to have. How can a guy be a rebellious loner when he leads a fucking team? Exactly, he fucking can't. |
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The Life and Times of Juniper Lee Review |
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The Life and Times of Juniper Lee Review by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-09-24 Winick does not try to hide the sources he plagiarizes from, the most notable of them being Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Replace high school white girl with prepubescent Asian girl and vampires with monsters and you have this show in a nutshell. I'm sure the similarities do not end there, but I never sucked the necessary amount of dick to learn the intricacies of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If there is one thing the world needs less of, it's shit influenced by Joss "Childrapist" Whedon. Whedon's evil influence creates dozens and dozens of social shut-ins who use bitchy one-liners instead of spouting anything substantial. |
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Viva Piñata Television Show |
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Viva Piñata Television Show Review by: Doom 2008-09-24 Done in shitty CGI and with even shittier writing, Viva Pinata rots children's minds just like the candy these personable papier mache animals contain. You'd probably be better off giving your fat, whiny children candy instead; at least that diabetes causing garbage will shut up the little pieces of shit for a couple of minutes. |
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TMNT Season 7 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-09-24 The final scene of "Tempus Fugit" (quite a unique title) shows Viral entering into the Internet, which much resembles either a cyberpunk city on a shit budget or the insides of a computer as interpreted in Hackers. Worst yet, she deems this fantastical land to be our primitive 'Internet'. What? She enters into a black something or other with the Foot Clan logo above it and is transformed into Cyber Shredder. Great, so now the Shredder lives inside the Internet and will try to bedevil the Turtles by IMing Donatello and calling him a fag. Although that is relevant to today's youth. |
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Saturday Night Live: Season 34, Episode 1 |
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Saturday Night Live: Season 34, Episode 1: Kill Me Now by: Doom 2008-09-14 It's the same old shit, disguised as new shit because the corporate media thinks Jim Downey's pro-corporate satire is totally fucking awesome and zinging the corporate political parties. It's one big circle jerk and Lorne loves it because it creates the sensation that the shittiest sketch game in town still resonates with anyone beyond the incompetent to stand trial crowd. |
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The Shield 7x02: "Snitch" Review |
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The Shield 7x02: "Snitch" Review by: Doom 2008-09-14 The Hotness: Autumn Chiklis. No, no, I'm kidding, don't Gary Glitter me (that has so many different definitions I'm not going to bother listing them). |
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Privileged Review |
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by: Doom 2008-09-14 Fuck the poor. They didn't earn it like we did. If they didn't want to live dismal, short, awful, painful lives, maybe they shouldn't have been born where they were born. Privileged will show the joys of living the lifestyle of the rich to this country, in case the filthy Americans didn't receive enough propaganda from The O.C., Gossip Girl and the Republican campaign. |
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The Shield 7x01: "The Coefficient of Drag" Review |
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The Shield 7x01: "The Coefficient of Drag" Review by: Doom 2008-09-07 Well, my reason for bothering to live for several more months has finally goddamn arrived. |
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Eureka Review |
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by: Doom 2008-08-24 Eureka is basically Twin Peaks if the town of Twin Peaks was populated by weirdo nerds and not just weirdoes. The town of Eureka comprises many genius scientists, since the government created the town to advance the nation's scientific capabilities. Since nerds left to their own devices become freakish megalomaniacs, things very often go wrong. There are very few normal characters on the show, but the main character is one because, strangely enough, even the Sci-Fi Channel's audience refuses to watch an entire program of nerds. |
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Generation X Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-08-20 The basic premise of the Generation X movie is essentially Nightmare on Elm Street but with mutants and gay Jim Carrey instead of sexy teens and Freddy Krueger. Teens go to the Xavier institute, they get picked on by local jocks, they use a dream machine and wind up creating an evil villain for some ungodly reason because they're idiots. But hey, on the other hand, we manage to get the line "I cosmically shit my fucking pants" out of nowhere at all. |
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Hard Knocks Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2008-08-13 The Daily Raider does not often tackle sports, and when we do, it is most often sports involving plumbers and fire breathing turtles battling it out. But, for the sake of covering all sectors of evil culture, targeting sports is a necessity. A necessary evil, if you will. Where to start, though? Steroids in baseball? Kobe Bryant raping people? Jason Giambi's horror show facial hair? Hockey and how no one gives a fuck about it because they're stupid fucking Americans? |
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My Boys Review |
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by: Doom 2008-08-13 Really, the only storyline you can do is the girl falling for one of the friends or one of the friends falling for the girl. In this second season premiere we see the first premise as sportswriter woman P.J. attempts to get her male friend to understand what a trip to Italy means. Very complex gender relations nuances here as the guy is oblivious and girl is fraught with worry that he'll never get the hint. |
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Fringe Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-08-13 TV sucks. It's a simple fact that everyone should be aware of, now that people like J.J. Abrams are in charge of making TV shows and the only respite from retarded TV shows is a long-running retarded TV show (Law and Order, Law and Order: SVU, Law and Order: Criminal Intent, take your pick). Fringe is a TV show based around the premise that science is crazy and has stuff involved with it that doesn't make any goddamned sense. If you made an assumption that this show is essentially The X-Files made to suit the modern world (aka mentions of terrorism and post-9/11 and snarkiness and all that stupid bullshit), you're a retard. |
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Saving Grace Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-08-03 All the psychological warfare is just Grace waiting for her angel to show up. Yeah, apparently the angel needs to judge the fucker or something. I don't know. It's retarded. Angel Earl says the Father will go to Heaven after he dies, but he's more concerned about Grace. If she continues to hate the guy who molested her, well, she might do bad things like kill the rapist who raped her. |
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The Cleaner Review |
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by: Doom 2008-07-30 I was drinking heavily while watching the pilot to The Cleaner, which may serve as some irony since of course alcohol abuse IS THE WORST ADDICTION OF ALL. But I think if I was sober I would've hated this piece of shit even more so. I mean, the benefit of alcohol is at a certain point you get so out of it abhorrent pieces of shit such as The Cleaner do not faze as they normally would were you sober. I don't doubt that sober me would've lasted about 6 minutes into this 50 minute abomination. |
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The Closer Episode 4x01 |
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by: Doom 2008-07-30 The mystery is threadbare and the process of solving it very lame. The plot relies on the reintroduction of a criminal who was in an episode several years ago who apparently had an effect on Southern retard. He's a pyromaniac and Occam's razor would say he did it. But TV's razor dictates the writing pretend to give the audience a little more credit than that. So he mostly gives exposition/"insight" into the behavior of fires, basically doing the investigators' jobs for them. Think of him as a lame, cable TV version of Hannibal Lecter portrayed by some lesser talented European guy. |
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Psych Season 3 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-07-23 Adolf Hitler could create a better comedy drama (dramedy, or coma) than Psych, USA's pathetic effort at replicating the success of cable television's original dramas. Say what you will about Hitler, but from all indications his sense of humor did not include the comedy stylings of the black guy from She's All That and the white guy of such obscurity he's not even starred in a shite movie I remember. Just the humor inspired from his existence and his rule over Germany has brought more to the world than the dime store Mussolini who came up with Psych and let it fester for at least 3 years on the bargain basement TNT, USA. |
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Monk Review |
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by: Doom 2008-07-23 I always wanted Monk to be funnier than it ultimately ended up being. I think the concept of a retarded OCD detective guy far surpasses the conventionality of the show based around the character. He retards around for a while but then solves crimes. If the guy was truly OCD, he would need to turn the doorknob 147 times before opening or closing a door. He would wash his hands constantly. His solving a crime would be contingent on how many baseball cards the victim had. |
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Flashpoint Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-07-13 What do you get when you have Canadian actors pretend to be SWAT officers in Canada? You get a show with the only redeeming quality being Amy Jo Johnson. Yes, THE Amy Jo Johnson. You know, Kimberly Hart? The Pink Power Ranger? Masturbation fodder for countless 10 year old boys for several years in the 1990s? Yeah, now you remember her. |
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Edited Shield |
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by: Doom 2008-07-09 There are discrepancies in what can and can not occur in Edited Shield which highlight America's moral hypocrisy. Violence? Sure. Go ahead. But profanity and sex? Not so fast, superstar. Not only that, the swearing barrier between acceptable and unacceptable makes little sense. They seemed to be able to use bitch, but pussy, shit, and asshole were out of reach. I don't understand the censorship at work there. How exactly is asshole more offensive than bitch? |
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The Bill Engvall Show Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-07-02 All throughout the episode we watched, the second season premiere, I kept on waiting for the twist, the subversive bit. I figured that if a sitcom appeared this conventional, there must be some moment where it breaks from that and shows the preceding was merely satire targeting bad late 90s ABC sitcoms. But no, no such moment of turning audience expectations of their head occurs. It's just bad sitcom conventions played straight. |
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Fantastic Four: "The Cure" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "The Cure" Review by: Doom, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-07-02 Why?! Why must Dan Slott pack every fucking thing with continuity bullshit only he and a couple other 45 year old convicted sex offenders care about? This is a television show for retarded children, not continuity porn for adults, at least not ostensibly! This is just like fucking Spectacular Spider-Man; obscure reference blowjobs in an effort to get old comic book fans to watch. |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 9-13 Review |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 9-13 Review by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2008-06-25 Breaking out of prison is seemingly the most difficult thing for the Sinister Six to accomplish in the entire show, considering it takes half of the running time to show how they are able to escape from prison. Electro is the only free one of the bunch so he is able to bust the rest of them out of the prison by simply turning off the power to the entire complex, allowing Rhino and Sandman's cells to be easily escapable. So, if they hadn't planned this massive escape ahead of time they would have been easily able to get out of prison if there was a simple power outage in the cell block where they lived, brilliant. |
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Fantastic Four: "Doomsday Plus One" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Doomsday Plus One" Review by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-06-25 Of all the many superhero cartoons of the past decade, I cannot claim there is one worse than Fantastic Four. Though I hate The Batman a lot more, man, at least they fucking tried to do new things. They failed, yeah, but trying and failing is better than simply failing. The cartoon takes no chances, no risks, and as a result is ridiculously boring pabulum with bad art and uninspired writing. |
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Power Rangers: "Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun" Review |
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Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: "Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun" Review by: Doom, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-06-22 All the hallmarks of bad (aka all) Power Rangers episodes appear. Cheesy dialogue, rudimentary fight scenes ("if he becomes big we cannot defeat him...until we also become big!"), stock footage and the inanery of Bulk and Skull. Really, "Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun" shares more similarities with a run-of-the-mill episode than a first look established. The only difference between this and any other fucking terrible half hour of entertainment Haim "Ariel Sharon's Megazord" Saban pushed out in the 90s is this one went overt with the always lying in wait homosexual subtext to the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers series. |
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Fantastic Four: "Strings" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Strings" Review by: Doom and Nerdlinger 2008-06-22 McGee gets people to hate the FF, but not really because he's controlling all of them. This essentially acts as McGee's "now you know the persecution McGee went through!" move. He forces the FF to feel the pain of McGee's imprisonment ten fold. Then he manipulates Reed into making a machine for him that amplifies his powers so he is able to mind control the entire world. But it doesn't work on the FF - except Reed - because the cosmic powers amplified by the helmet cancel each other out despite none of the Fantastic Four wearing the helmet. |
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Fantastic Four: "Annihilation" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Annihilation" Review by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-06-15 If Yellowjacket saw this show, I think you'd understand him Ikeing Janet. |
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Smallville: "Arctic" Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-06-13 Rape fingers is actually a really great superpower. |
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Smallville: "Quest" Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-13 One of the worst things (there are many bad things) in Smallville's current season is the retconning in a secret society of losers who sought to find the Traveler aka Clark and try to worship him, kill him or control him into the show's already convoluted and idiotic mythology. It feels too...Syndicate from The X-Files. Not to mention the idea is fucking retarded even if not plagiarized from another source. A bunch of 'movers and shakers' of the Smallville universe conspiring to guide some fucking alien traveler that supposedly exists because of prior alien contact or a prophecy or some other stupid fucking bullshit? |
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Fantastic Four: "Impossible" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Impossible" Review by: Doom and Nerdlinger 2008-06-12 Let me be the first to say this phrase: "Superman did it!" There, it's been said and it's been done. Not only has Superman done it, Teen Titans has as well. Bringing in a creature from another dimension with the ability to alter his shape, size, dimensions, defy physics, etc, not to mention annoying as all hell to boot. But let's get this straight, Fantastic Four's Impossible Man can't hold a candle to Mr. Mxyzptlk, who was at least voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, whose voice is grating and irritating enough to make you like it (not in a sexual way). |
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Fantastic Four: "Puppet Master" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Puppet Master" Review by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-06-12 McGee McGee. McGee McGee McGee McGee. McGee! |
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Captain Planet: "Rain of Terror" Review |
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Captain Planet: "Rain of Terror" Review by: Doom 2008-06-04 As the title would suggest, the issue of the episode is acid rain. Verminous "Jeff Goldblum" Skumm, a monstrous rat-man, and his gang of like-visage rat men, take over an abandoned factory and burn coal in order to create an acid rain cloud which...I'm not really sure. The lesson is pollution is bad, but then again that's the lesson of every goddamn episode of this show. Mr. Skumm is poorly characterized and it's not explained whether he's a rat-man, a man-rat, a man with deformities, or something else entirely. |
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Fantastic Four: "Imperius Rex" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Imperius Rex" Review by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2008-06-04 There's a reason the world doesn't like the French, and it's because of their animation (ignore everything you hear about their lack of bathing and apparently snooty behavior; I'd act the same way if tourists came over here demanding everything in their language). There is a reason the Japanese copied their style of animation - it's cheap, ugly and it gets the point across. Unfortunately the French are often called in to animate this way because it looks Japanese and it's much less expensive. |
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Smallville: "Apocalypse" Review |
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Smallville: "Apocalypse" Review by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-05-28 In the final scene, Kara is getting a drink in the farm house and then falls. What caused it? My guess: Clark spiked the drink with date rape. Who says Kryptonians have anything against incest? Were I Clark, I'd fucking beat that ass until she looked like she did on that cover of Crisis on Infinite Earths. And if Clark weren't such a whipped, bland man he'd do so too. |
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Smallville: "Sleeper" Review |
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by: Doom 2008-05-28 Lex and Clark barely appear, and Lana and Lois do not show up in the episode at all, meaning this is very fucking Jimmy/Chloe-centric. This is bad not just for the aforementioned Jimmy Olsen factor, but because in the Jimmy relationship Chloe becomes more stupid and annoying than usual. I never bought for a second Chloe would settle for Jimmy "I stick my tongue in outlets as a party trick" Olsen even if her true love Clark was obsessed about some retarded Asian bitch. |
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Shark Series Finale Review |
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by: Doom 2008-05-25 Shark overall remains as retarded as ever, but in this installment I noticed particularly bad acting from the principal players, those being James Woods, that girl, and Billy Campbell. In several scenes they are asked to perform dramatic scenes with weight, which is always a hazardous task when everyone has either diminished skills or no skills at all. This episode contains an ordinate amount of scenes which require the viewer to buy into the drama. If you don't, it comes off as really, really fucking gay. |
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Dane Cook: Vicious Circle: The Rise of Evil Review |
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Dane Cook: Vicious Circle: The Rise of Evil Review by: Doom and the Nixon 2008-05-21 Dane Cook certainly isn't funny by any way one could normally define humor. His work mostly attempts to be observational humor, but his observations are shit and either generic and played out or wildly off. He tries to back his jokes up with physical comedy, but they rarely do more than simply act out exactly what he is saying, or serve to distract the audience from his distinct lack of a punchline. |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Episode 9 Review |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Episode 9 Review by: Doom and the Red Fox 2008-05-21 "It's for an experiment, Gwen!" "What experiment?" "The experiment for the science fair entitled 'How high can you get off chemicals?'!" |
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Saturday Night Live Season 33 Episode 12 Review |
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Saturday Night Live Season 33 Episode 12: The Final Frontier/Solution Review by: Doom and Commando 2008-05-21 The cold opener and the opening monologue both provide perfect examples of botched comedy. The cold opener's 'joke' is that the graduation ceremony is for people with crazy prank names like Mike Hunt and Dick Hertz. Oh wait, that second one was a prank played on Steve Carell by the students! Get it, the fake name is amongst other fake names...making it...funnier? Um. |
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Power Rangers: Jungle Fury Review |
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Power Rangers: Jungle Fury Review by: Doom and Commando 2008-05-21 Seriously, what the hell is Jungle Fury? Wasn't there already Wild Force and Ninja Storm and haven't all possible permutations of the animal spirit and ninja motif been exhausted already? Yeah, well, but money needs to be made and so there is another Power Rangers series on the air. I guess kids still buy the merch in droves, at least enough to justify continued production. This iteration apparently does involve pseudo-paganism as the Rangers are all imbued with animal spirits whom they command. Yet they also revere these spirits. And there's a pizza place which employs them all. And their master/sage mentor is a surfer dude superior at the pizza place. 2 Guys, a Girl and Worshipping Pagan Deities at the Pizza Place? I guess so. |
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Shark Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-05-18 In lieu of threatening to fire him or literally breaking his balls like a true asshole lawyer would, he gives a little Bob Saget at the end of Full House "when your mom died" speech: "I saved your ass this time because maybe some of this was my fault. Next time there won't even be a conversation. Look, I probably have no right to preach to you. I set a lousy example, but understand this: there are some lines you cross, and some you don't. The tough part? Figuring out the difference. And that's a call you've got to make for yourself." Wait. What? |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 7-8 Review |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 7-8 Review by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2008-05-18 Howzit goin, Tiger? In this episode of Craptacular Spider-Man, the 7th, the big fall dance takes place and everyone's having fun. Everyone, that is, except Harry Osborn, who gets angry that no one pays attention to him and his date Glory Grant is cozying back up to her ex, Brian Michael "Kong" Bendis. Everyone else is having fun at this social, including Peter, who is not fucking up in life for once, thanks to Mary Jane, the continuity ruining bitch, appearing as his date. |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 5-6 Review |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 5-6 Review by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-05-14 These two episodes are titled "Competition" and "The Invisible Hand" respectively. I think Greg Weisman took the Ditko influence far too literally. I swear, if the next episode is a 22 minute pamphlet on the wonders of objectivism... |
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Speed Racer: The Next Generation Review |
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Speed Racer: The Next Generation Review by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2008-05-11 Speed Racer is one of those things you needed to see as a kid to really grasp. It was a show about a race car driver who also happened to be a secret agent in his spare time and still managed to win every race he was in despite being a fast talking retard with poor interpersonal skills. Oh yeah and his brother was also his arch-rival/secret guardian. Seriously, the show was not only poorly translated but also poorly edited into a pathetic excuse for a TV show that only the retarded children of America could enjoy. Now, thanks to a retarded sense of nostalgia and the release of the live-action Wafagsky duo (they're not people, they're some sort of evil congealed blob of goo in a bondage harness) we have a new Speed Racer cartoon to 'enjoy'. |
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American Television Superior |
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by: Hikaru Steiber 2008-04-30 When you view an "anime" television show, what is the most noticeable objects that you observe? Firstly, we notice that the characters are all very effeminate, including the manliest of males. Their faces show no identifiable way of discerning them from another apart from flamboyant hair styling. It is disrespectful to the great honor and national pride of Japan for this to be what consists of our animation. This is why I am here today to show you all why American Television is superior to the great dishonorable that is my homeland's. |
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Canterbury's Law Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2008-04-23 More like Cunterbury's Law, AM I RIGHT PEOPLE? No? Well, how about "Can'tmaintainanaudiencebury's Law"? |
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Smallville: "Descent" Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-04-20 One could easily turn the death of Osborn into a metaphor into facing your inner demons and accepting your sexuality. Take the character of Lex. Since I have no hatred for homosexuals, I can say this without trying to beat someone to death. Lex on Smallville is a FAGGOT. Seriously, you can be the Dalai Lama, and even he would want to cure, if not kill, him. |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 3-4 Review |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Episodes 3-4 Review by: Doom, the Red Fox and Black Goliath 2008-04-13 This may surprise you (hell, it even surprises me), but I'm a big fan of the Shocker (the CHARACTER, not the sexual move. Though it does have its strengths...). |
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Quarterlife: The One Episode Wonder Review |
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Quarterlife: The One Episode Wonder Review by: Doom, the Red Fox and Black Goliath 2008-04-06 Putting this show, perhaps the worst ever (My So-Called Life plus blogging? NOOOOOOOOOO), on the air for a sustained period of time would've spelled the doom of network television. Thankfully, it appears the larger television audience feels compelled to exhibit some taste from time to time. Quarterlife received the lowest timeslot ratings for NBC in 17 years, and overall was the biggest failure for NBC since the halycon shit days of the XFL. |
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Smallville: "Veritas" Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-04-02 Oooh oooh hoo hoo! Another episode of Smallville, and you know what that means if you know what I mean. If not, what it means is I get to interact with a lot of hot male studmuffins. In "Veritas", we see me coming closer and closer to 'evil'. And I don't mean ejaculating to evil, either! Though I WISH. I'm like a rocket shop waiting with bated breath to take off, if you know what I mean. Although I don't receive meaty scenes with Clark (wait until the next episode!), there's plenty for me to sink my teeth into. |
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Lewis Black's The Root of All Evil Review |
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Lewis Black's The Root of All Evil Review by: Doom 2008-03-30 If Comedy Central wants to find a way for stand-up comedy to reach out to a new audience, they should go back to the drawing board and either think of a better concept with more esoteric subject matter or find higher level comedians (Tompkins is decent, but Greg Giraldo...I hope he chokes on his own puke in a Thai child sex coven). If Lewis Black is going to be consigned to the bench, you need A-listers like David Cross, not B-list derivations of David Cross (like Patton Oswalt, who will be in future episodes). |
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Smallville: "Hero" Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-03-30 Immediately after hearing of Pete's abilities, Clark tells him, in his typical boring white guy way, "uh, I dunno, Pete, I think you should never be a superhero again. I mean, I dunno, a nigger fighting crime instead of causing crime, I don't think people in this town would accept that." Frankly, I think Pete ought to have become a superhero called Blacklongated Man just to spite Farm Bum. |
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The Batman: "Lost Heroes" Review |
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The Batman: "Lost Heroes" Review by: Doom and the Red Fox 2008-03-26 Are these writers complete idiots or what? For the series finale of The Batman, they couldn't even come up with a new, or even a rehashed decent, villain for the entire Justice League to fight? No, they had to bring back the robotic menace that attacked Gotham in their last made for TV movie, the Joining. Supposedly great intergalactic world destroying robots (*cough* Brainiac *cough*) the Joining are back on Earth to give that whole world takeover another go. |
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Spectacular Spider-Man Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2008-03-26 Especially notable is Spectacular Spider-Man's version of Liz Allan. Like Ned "Ancient Chinese Secret" Reeds, she's changed races, from white in the comics to...I don't know what the fuck. Jazz and I couldn't get a handle on it when watching for the first time, and upon some reflection my working hypothesis is she's Puerto Rican and written by people who've never met a Puerto Rican before in their lives. Based on her characterization, it's far easier to assume she's retarded than she is Puerto Rican. |
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The Return of Jezebel James Review |
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The Return of Jezebel James Review by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-03-23 For a comedy, The Return of Jezebel James tries a bold method not often seen - no jokes. It's a comedy without any humor whatsoever. I believe it to be intentional and not a byproduct of terrible writing (the terrible writing accounts for other aspects of the show). No lines stick out as even attempting to elicit laughter from the audience. A curious choice, surely. |
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New Amsterdam Review |
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by: Doom and Commando 2008-03-23 The core premise - immortal until true love - is not only stupid, it also brings to mind an awful, despicable offshoot of sci-fi/fantasy writing: the sci-fi/fantasy romance novel. They're pretty much like the harlequin romance novel crap girls buy, albeit for girls who want to see characters just like them fall in love with stoic, loner werewolves, vampires, wizards, aliens, immortals, moth men, what have you. You would be surprised how many of them exist. Oh, it's a scene, man. |
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Cowboy Bebop Review |
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by: Jedi Guardian 2008-03-19 I remember when Adult Swim was good or bearable; it seems like it was just yesterday when good shows like Mission Hill and Venture Bros. circled the waves on Adult Swim, but very few anime thrown on the programming schedule. But those few were good anime (a very hard breed, indeed) Cowboy Bebop and Outlaw Star. Sadly, thanks to the mass idiotic group known as Otakus, the fun is ruined for the rest of us by their making Cartoon Network introduce more anime like Inuyasha and Bleach and Death Note. |
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Saturday Night Live Season 1 DVD Review |
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Saturday Night Live Season 1 DVD Review by: Lorne Michaels 2008-03-12 O'Donoghue was a rabblerouser the likes of which I had not seen since the socialists were killed and kicked out of Germany. That is why something needed to be done to solve the O'Donoghue Question. Do you really think he died of natural causes? Of course not. I had some members loyal to the Reich murder him. I also removed some of his collaborators and allies - hence why Al Finkelfranken left for a period of time. He returned, obviously, but only so I could sabotage his jewreer with Stuart Saves His Family. |
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The Simpsons: The Conan O'Brien Years |
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The Simpsons: The Conan O'Brien Years by: Doom 2008-03-12 They didn't fucking exist. |
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Cashmere Mafia Review |
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by: Doom, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-02-25 The difference between the two highly similarly programs lies in which Sex and the City idiot created it. Lipstick Jungle owes its existence to Candace Bushnell, the 'novelist' who wrote the basis for the HBO series whereas big fat party animal Darren Star (nee Sex and the City as well) helms Cashmere Mafia. Why did one succeed, getting a second season commissioned, while the other failed? My guess: Lucy Liu. No one gives a shit about her and her name sounds like Scooby Doo. No one takes the talking stoner dog seriously and thus no one does more for Lucy Liu than humor her. |
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Ronnie Gardocki: A Facial History |
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Ronnie Gardocki: A Facial History by: The Fanboy 2008-02-20 Episode 6x05, with no foreshadowing at all, abruptly introduces Ronnie as cleanshaven in the opening scene. Cleanshaven! No build-up! Just bam, right there in the first scene. Shane is justifiably surprised by this, and Ronnie explains it as "new girlfriend likes baby smooth skin between his thighs". That sounds like exactly the reason DOOM used for shaving off his months-old beard! |
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Lost 4x01: "The Beginning of the End" |
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Lost 4x01: "The Beginning of the End" by: Doom 2008-02-20 As a member of the survivors of the island ("The Oceanic Six"), he has not taken well to having to re-enter society, and after pulling an O.J. (the car chase part, not the killing 2 people part) gets committed to a mental hospital. There we see him talk to imaginary people and flashback to memories of his apparently dead best buddy Charlie. Wait a minute...in If I Did It, O.J.'s accomplice to the double murder was someone named Charlie. HOLY SHIT HURLEY KILLED NICOLE AND GOLDMAN!!!!! |
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Smallville: "Fracture" Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-02-20 The focus on Supergirl continues to be ill-advised. No one cares about Supergirl. The writing doesn't try hard enough to obscure the fact that she'll take over the show should Tom Welling want to play a farm bum for 8 years (I don't think the CW will last long enough to necessitate a backdoor pilot situation). She has no personality, or character, or role, even before she lost her memory. In fact, you know what she reminds me? A stock porno 'protagonist'. |
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Smallville: "Siren" Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-02-17 Another fucking episode about Green Arrow's little Justice League. It sure doesn't seem to be doing anything, since Lex and Osborn are as powerful now as they were several seasons ago. Well, I suppose that is accurate re: liberal activism. GA and Flash probably hold up placards that have the words "HEY, MAN, LIKE, STOP, LUTHOR, MAN" while Cyborg and Aquaman accompany on acoustic guitar and shitty beat poetry. |
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Sophie Review |
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by: Doom 2008-02-06 If I could jump into my monitor and rape a fictional character to shut her up, I would. Sure, it'd be rape, but I think I could philosophically justify it. |
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The Simpsons: "That 90's Show" Review |
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The Simpsons: "That 90's Show" Review by: The Fanboy 2008-02-03 I literally cannot believe anyone would ever find the jokes in "That 90's Show" funny. They're too wacky and violent and mean and continuity destroying and out of character and TOO MUCH BLOOD ON THE KNOB. |
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Seinfeld: The Bane of my Existence |
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Seinfeld: The Bane of my Existence by: Lorne Michaels 2008-01-30 There is one 'Nazi' character in Seinfeld, and it dismays me to tell you this Nazi isn't even white. He is a Soup Nazi and he is not white. See? Pure Jew mockery. The Soup Nazi, an Argentinean, is labeled as such for his curt manner and strict rules. Again, more fucking hooknose propaganda. The Nazis do not enforce strict rules, we enforce RIGHT rules. I suppose this is found to be distasteful if you prefer jewnarchy where synagogues are allowed to exist without reproach. |
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Life is Wild Pilot Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2008-01-23 Though the show utterly fails at exploring the rich and HILARIOUS concept of a family drama set in South Africa, the hacks behind this bullshit have definitely made this show more towards the core demographic of the CW. The lead character, BLONDE GIRL, embodies what I can only assume most of the CW's preteen/early teen girls hope to eventually become: a headstrong 17-something who grew up in riches but still has her priorities straight. She's the head of the family now that everything's gotten so mixed up! She gets all the boys! She voices her opinion! She...that's about all her character does. |
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Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles Review |
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Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles Review by: Nightcrawler 2008-01-16 The sad fact about this show is that it would actually be good if it were a movie, or at least as good as you can expect from a movie about killer robots and big guns in this day and age. However, because it's a TV show the plot must constantly focus on the human perspective of it, making jokes about robots going to high school (there will be, guaranteed, a metal detector joke in the next three episodes), and boys falling in love with robots. |
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Smallville: "Fierce" Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-01-09 The one thing I noticed right off the bat was the massive amounts of Kara. I'm really serious here. I know that she is a major part of this season, what with the creators trying in vain to hype her up for a possible spinoff, but she was in damn near every scene, and she was acknowledged in one way or another in every other scene. She's Jimmy's new crush, Clark's new headache, Lex's new fixation in life, and God knows what else. You'd have to blind or gay or both not to notice how hot Laura Vandervoort is; yet, there is a limit to how much bad acting I can take. |
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Pokemon Battle Frontier Review |
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Pokemon Battle Frontier Review by: Doom and the Red Fox 2008-01-09 He has a new hat now. SUCH PROGRESSION |
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Powerpuff Girls Z Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2008-01-09 Probably the worst scene by far, as well as the most confusing, was the part where the girls did their transformation into their superpowered selves. This involved taking a jewel from their belt, placing it back in their belt, turning on their cell phones, stripping down to a swimsuit, posing, putting on a vest, posing again, making a skirt magically appear, posing some more, posing yet again, and then putting on gloves. I really didn't know what was going on. |
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Transformers: Animated Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2008-01-02 The Decepticons, except for Starscream, don't figure into the plot at all, and the only 'enemies' are monsters recycled from Men in Black: The Animated Series. Megatron's a head and various computer parts in Isaac Sumdac's room of secret shame. I suspect Decepticons and other foes will be introduced slowly so as to give kids more time to whine for toys to their parents. |
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Power Rangers in Space: "Shell Shocked" Review |
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Power Rangers in Space: "Shell Shocked" Review by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nerdlinger 2008-01-02 You know that something is seriously wrong with the world when shit like this exists. The TV crossover is known only as a shilling tool to promote the most retarded new shows on TV without letting people onto the fact that it's meant to make you watch more TV. Personally, none of this episode made any sense in any sense of the word sense! |
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America's Next Top Model Review |
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America's Next Top Model Review by: Doom 2007-12-30 As far as I can see, America's Next Top Model consists of equal parts reality program treats impressionable young women as playthings to dress up in theme costumes and throw onto 'unique' set pieces like rock climbing walls or near Enrique Inglesias and equal parts girls bitching each other out for special reasons. At least one idiotic dispute about what it means to be a model or whatever contrived reality situation you expect to arise in these scripted 'reality' wastes of footage. If you were born in complete solitude, with only Next Top Model tapes as shaping your perception of women, you'd grow up to be Jack the Goddamn Ripper. |
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Smallville: "Wrath" Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-12-25 Gay Lex Luthor: Oh ho ho ho, it looks like I'm in hot water, and not the kind involving big Brazilian men (the good kind)! It seems this is what you get when your beard finds out she's your beard. Oh well! I guess now I'm able to be more open about it. I could take CLARK to galas and to The Brass Ring (you don't even want to KNOW what that is, honey!)! |
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The Batman: "Ring Toss" Review |
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The Batman: "Ring Toss" Review by: Doom 2007-12-19 And since this is a Batman cartoon, yes, that includes Batman getting a chance to wear the GL ring. Goddamnit. This is ALWAYS in every Batman/GL team-up that's been established as occurring early in their respective careers. GL loses his ring somehow, Batman must use it to save the day, then GL tells him he'd make a great Green Lantern. But Batman wants to stay Batman because honor dead parents superstitious cowardly lot blah blah blah etc. etc. etc. It's an annoying trope and it's even more annoying here. |
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Thugaboo Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-12-05 Wow, what a waste of forty five minutes. I could've been doing something much more productive, like killing myself. |
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The Simpsons: "Husbands and Knives" Review |
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The Simpsons: "Husbands and Knives" Review by: The Fanboy 2007-11-25 No wonder crumbum-at-large Matt Selman is credited as the writer. He's well-known for his dim view of fans and his continued position that Sober Twilight was a good move for Barney's character. I DON'T accept Lenny and Carl as the new barflies and I never will, Selman. So don't try to sell me on that since I'm not buying it ever. |
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Viva Laughlin Review |
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by: Doom and Bruce Banner 2007-11-07 Viva Laughlin may have some of the worst 'pure' writing in television history, and perhaps studios may be able to use it as Exhibit A for defending their actions in not caving to the Writers Guild. No. Stop. Fuck that. Fuck the indecisiveness of the 'may'. Viva Laughlin does have some of the worst 'pure' writing in television history. Do not bring up My Mother the Car or Homeboys in Outer Space or Shasta McNasty or Yes, Dear as worse unless you can back up your assertion with scientific data (graphs, charts, data analysis, autopsy results of Jim Belushi). Viva Laughlin outsucks them all by a large margin. |
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Samantha Who? Review |
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by: Doom 2007-11-04 Christina Applegate is good...if I were 13 and could only use Married With Children as masturbation material. Her comedy revival moment came in Anchorman, a film I violently detest, so going in I knew I wasn't going to like her. But I admit I was wrong. I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her, because she has to carry the entire production on her own. There's no one else. Yeah, some of the other actors are decent, but the writers don't give them any potentially funny lines. All the material rests on the shoulders of Ms. Applegate, and she tries really, really, really hard to make it work. Of course, she doesn't succeed. |
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Stephen King's The Shining Review |
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Stephen King's The Shining Review by: Doom 2007-11-03 The added hours gives The Shining a lot more time to have exposition scenes, scare scenes, and scenes of the couple arguing while Danny expositions over their yelling. It's a fucking trip, man. Like one time, Jack gives Danny a dead hive of wasps. And then during the night...THE WASPS COME BACK TO LIFE! HOLY FUCK! WHAT A SHOCK! I CERTAINLY DIDN'T EXPECT THAT TO HAPPEN! The hotel tempts Danny a lot more often, which gets boring and unthreatening quickly. It's the equivalent of the guy in the bar saying "Come on! Please! Come on!" to the chick who won't agree to go back to his place. |
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The American Office |
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The American Office: The Abomination Sweeping the Abomi-nation by: Doom 2007-10-31 I FUCKING HATE YOU AMERICA FUCKING DIE FUCKING DIE FUCKING DIE CHOKE ON YOUR COLLECTIVE SEMEN YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF DOG SHIT YOU FUCKING LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR MORONS WHO THINK YOU'RE SMART FOR WATCHING SIMPLISTIC TRASH THAT PRETENDS IT'S NOT SIMPLISTIC TRASH BURN IN HELL YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS MEMBERS OF SOCIETY DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE |
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Chuck Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2007-10-21 HULK HATE CHUCK! AND HULK HATE CHUCK! CHARACTER IS LIKE SHOW BECAUSE HE ANNOYING AND STUPID AND UNREALISTIC! TRYING TO BE CROSS BETWEEN ZACH BRAFF AND JIMMY FALLON, TWO PEOPLE MORE EVIL THAN IRON MAN AND DOCTOR SAMSON COMBINED! GOOFY NERD NOT REALISTIC AND ATTEMPT TO FORCE IN ROMANTIC SUBPLOT BETWEEN CHUCK AND FEMALE SECRET AGENT STUPID AND BORING! WILL THEY OR WON'T THEY ALREADY RUINED OFFICE, NBC, DON'T MAKE SAME MISTAKE TWICE! |
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Smallville: "Bizarro" Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2007-10-14 Kelly Clarkson + Lana + blonde wig = the face of Death. |
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Heroes Pilot Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-10-07 Tim Kring, the creator, is by far the worst fantasy TV writer ever. His dialogue makes Uwe Boll's look entertaining and witty. He gives the character long diatribes of explaining their motivations and explaining their situations instead of doing so organically. It's akin to spending 44-74 minutes getting your head caved in with an icepick of stupidity. |
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House: "Alone" Review |
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by: Doom 2007-10-03 Whatever you do, don't, I repeat, DON'T engage in conversation with any House fan on the Internet unless they're a well-adjusted misanthrope not concerned with the minutiae of continuity required for writing some House/Wilson slash. IT'S MEDICINE AND COMEDY, NOT ROMANTIC RUBBISH BULLSHIT. YOU'RE RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE. |
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Moonlight Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2007-10-03 Ugh, more vampires. The fag of the monster universe. Yeah, they might be popular, but when compared to more inventive monsters, they just don't hold a candle due to the market oversaturation. They PALE in comparison, even. Vampire vs. Frankenstein's monster - Frankenstein's homeboy wins. Vampire vs. werewolf - werewolf wins. Vampire vs. Swamp Thing - whoever's written by Alan Moore wins, meaning Swamp Thing. |
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Family Guy: "Blue Harvest" Review |
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Family Guy: "Blue Harvest" Review by: Doom 2007-09-30 FOX, pretty literally, aired a 44 minute blowjob given to Seth MacFarlane by Seth MacFarlane. For God's sake, the final scene is a protracted discussion between Seth MacFarlane and Seth Green over which Star Wars parody was better, Family Guy's or Robot Chicken's. Me, I'd say even Thumb Wars: The Phantom Cuticle kicks the ass of this tired piece of shit. |
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Journeyman Review |
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by: Doom and Nerdlinger 2007-09-26 So if the time travel idea sucks and the cast sucks and the process of time travel sucks, what's left to enjoy? Nothing. Well, not nothing. You can find joy in the fact that after a couple years on a critically acclaimed show (Rome) Kevin McKidd can wind up on this...thing.
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Gossip Girl Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-09-26 White girl the exiled and now returned girl is Paris Hilton in looks and in depth. Her bitch ex-friend reminds me of Alexis Biedel in that both could be the March girl in Adolf Eichmann's 1939 Holohot Calendar. Loser boy, whip boy and the big R are all guys you've seen before on other dramas; soulless priss white boys who need a hot girl on their arms to feel like worthwhile clumps of human tissue (when in fact it does not help at all). |
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Raider Grudgematch: Battle of the Superheroes |
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Legion of Superheroes vs. The Batman by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-09-26 Superman supporting characters are in the The Batman manner, meaning bad characterization, bad voice acting, bad design and bad everything else. Lois Lane in particular is terrible; she has the figure of a Holocaust victim. Does Superman get turned on by women smaller than his biceps? I guess he does, judging from the episode! |
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Pushing Daisies Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nixon 2007-09-23 Ah, the ever annoying dramedy. How I loathe you. The above plot summary, take a guess: is it funny, or is it dramatic? Neither. It's more gay than anything. Gay in the scientific sense, not gay in the sexuality sense. It got high levels of faggot, son, as Isaiah Washington would say. The manufactured genre of dramedy allows writers untalented at both comedy and drama to hide behind something and obfuscate their incompetence. |
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Aliens in America Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-09-17 So the basic purpose of the show revolves around proving the idea that Pakistanis aren't evil and different like all of them Al Qaeda boys are. However, it fucks it up by making the Pakistani kid a pathetic stereotype. The damn kid is one of those Muslims who prays for everything. Got teased at gym class? Pray to Allah! Want to go out with the sexy girl in your chemistry class? Allah will make her spread her legs bow-eagle by the Bunsen burners! |
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The Closer Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nixon 2007-09-15 "I didn't know they made Transamerica into a TV show!" |
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The Sarah Connor Chronicles Review |
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The Sarah Connor Chronicles Review by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-09-11 If you wanted to save your son from the Terminators...then why did you send him to TERMINATOR HIGH? |
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Bionic Woman remake Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-09-09 But despite Isaiah Washington's appearance, my favorite part of the pilot would have to be the deaf sister of Bionic Woman. Not often do you see deaf people on network shows, and even less often do you see deaf people on television speak in the hi-larious deaf person voice. I loves me some deaf voice, even if it isn't exactly P.C. to say so. I used to have a guy in my history class who was deaf and instead of going for sign language, he tried his luck at reading lips and talking. He sounded, frankly, like every retarded voice ever attempted by a normal person. Same case here. Hilarious. |
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Lipstick Jungle Review |
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by: Doom, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2007-09-04 This bastard has the nerve to sleep while his kids are running around the house WHILE main bitch is handlin' her bidness over the phone! Selfish much? And how does he repay her kindness (by paying the housekeeping, the utilities, etc.)? By divorcing her. By text. Because he's tired of being the loser with no job. Don't blame my laziness. I'll blame my hard working wife instead. He seems to think he'll somehow become successful if he divorces himself from the only thing successful in his life. Prick. |
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Cavemen Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2007-09-03 First, for the veneer of racial satire to work, you have to compare black people to literal subhumans. An easy task for Stormfronters, but not one easy for liberals or the rest of faux tolerant America. Second, cavemen look white except for copious amounts of hair. Which, you know, they could shave off at any barbershop. Forget the sloping foreheads and unevolved facial features, they'd fit in perfectly in Atlanta (the show's setting), or at least the outskirts of the city. |
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The Big Bang Theory Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nixon 2007-09-03 Even if two nerds were living together (meaning they managed to make the jump out of their parents' basements), they wouldn't be so catty because at one point about a week in one nerd would accuse the other of being gay, and that would be the end of them basically talking. To avoid seeming gay. This is nerds people, that's something they stereotypically would do (long before even debating math theories). Christ, Lorre, didn't you listen to Counter-Strike chats while researching for this show? It's all 'fag' this and 'homo' that. |
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Flash Gordon: The Sci-Fi Channel Smallville edition |
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Flash Gordon: The Sci-Fi Channel Smallville edition by: Doom, Rammspieler, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon, Black Goliath and Gay Lex Luthor 2007-08-21 Hey kids, remember Flash Gordon? He's back, in shit form! That's right. In the rapidly shittier world of revamping beloved franchises from 60-70 years ago, someone thought of the bright idea to take Flash Gordon, rip out the cheesy 30s feel and steel toe it into the 21st century. For no apparent reason. |
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Psych Season 2 Premiere Review |
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Psych Season 2 Premiere Review by: Doom and Nixon 2007-08-15 This brings us to the 'dram' part of the 'dramedy'. Much like there being no comedy, drama doesn't exist either. When mysteries essentially solve themselves in a short period of time, you cannot glean any drama out of the actual plot. Especially if the mystery's given a total of two fucking suspects. That leaves the character interactions, dynamics, what have you. You'd think a show reliant on the friendship between White Guy and Black Guy would contain some interpersonal drama, or at least enough to provide what could be considered actual drama. A conflict, an argument, ANYTHING. |
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Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law Vol. 3 Review |
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Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law Vol. 3 Review by: The Fanboy 2007-08-07 Season 3, or Volume 3, is marked by massive upheaval and, dare I say it, change. Boy, do I ever hate change, even if it's on shows I never liked in the first place. For one thing, Stephen Colbert's characters, Phil Ken Sebben and Reducto, get killed off since Colbert needs to work on his new leftist show The Colbert Report. Just like when Adam Reed and Matt Thompson killed off Harry Goz on Sucklab 2021, the show's quality decreases dramatically with the departure of Colbert. Also, Michael and Erik put more precedence on Paget Brewster's Birdgirl. I hate Birdgirl. She takes away too many lines from characters like Peanut, Blue Falcon and Vulturo. She's definitely one of the many jump the shark moments of the series, and Paget Brewster is definitely not attractive enough to appear on MY computer desktop background. |
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Pirate Master Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-07-25 Beyond being the aforementioned cash-in on Pirates of the Caribbean films, there really isn't much pirating involved, unless anything on a sailing boat is these days considered pirating. Yes, they find buried treasured (buried by interns 30 minutes prior), but finding treasure isn't pirating. It's...treasure hunting. That's the definition of the activity. If they were actually pirating, then they might be doing something amusing to watch, like holding up yachts off the Horn of Africa like real pirates. |
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Smallville: "Phantom" Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-06-27 Okay. So. I can hardly contain my excitement. Lana is dead. Lana is dead. LANA IS DEAD! This is the greatest event that has occurred in Smallville since...ever. The entire yo-yo plot between Lana and Clark is completely over, which has basically been the worst part of the series. With Lana dead, they can actually try to get onto a semi usable arc in the Superman comics...wait...never mind. |
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The Loop Season 2 |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-06-27 This is the kind of vaguely offensive sitcom for people who think "I have nothing to differentiate me from other idiots. I need a cause to champion. I know...a critically derided, low rated shitty cookie cutter comedy!" and then take action in the form of posting "LOL" in any message board thread discussing The Loop. Sad, sad people. |
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The Batman: "The Joining" Review |
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The Batman: "The Joining" Review by: Doom, the Red Fox and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-06-20 Seriously, they have Hal Jordan as the Green Lantern. That right there is a dead giveaway for how white they are. I mean, they even have Hawkman, not Hawkgirl... it's as if they're attempting to both undermine the noteworthy diversity in the Justice League cartoon (with its interracial, interspecies romance) and overthrow the entire Civil Rights Movement in one fell Saturday morning swoop. |
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Lil' Bush Review |
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by: Doom 2007-06-20 Remember when Comedy Central used to be good? I can hardly remember now.
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CSI: NY: "Snow Day" Review |
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by: Iranian Uncle 2007-06-06 As soon as the episode started, I saw the greatest sin ever happening right on the television screen! Pre-Marital sex! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU, YOU STUPID CHRISTIANS THAT PREVENT SUCH EROTIC AND TANTALIZING SCENES FROM APPEARING ON MY TELEVISION FOR MY CHILDREN TO WATCH?! |
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Smallville: "Prototype" Review |
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Smallville: "Prototype" Review by: Doom and Nixon 2007-06-02 Is it supposed to be a shock that Lex has a warehouse filled with half-naked men? Methinks not!! |
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Painkiller Jane Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-05-15 Starring Kristanna Lokken as DEA Agent Jane Vasco, it quickly becomes a foray into the world of the 1980s, where every abandoned warehouse is a rave and every rave is filled with drugs. Apparently, in this universe, the DEA actually does something to stop the usage of drugs, rather than keeping them from coming into the country in the first place. You'll never believe something created by Joe Quesada can end up being as bad as any DC Comic put out by Dan Didio! |
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Drive: The 4 Episode Wonder |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-05-15 The oldest trick in the Hollywood executive book is to deliberately copy other pieces of work and claim them as your own (30 DAYS OF NIGHT, BITCHES). Such happens on TV all the time. It's the nature of the beast. Drive is essentially the bastard child of Hanna-Barbera's Wacky Races and Twisted Metal, meaning it was destined to fail before it even started (much like Marcus Garvey and his Black Exodus). Plus, it's by the guy who made Wonderfalls (the show that lasted about as long as Drive did) and stars Nathan "The Firefly" Fillon. How can't it fail? |
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Smallville: "Noir" Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-05-07 Bonjour, le Clark homme! |
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CSI: "Leapin' Lizards!" Review |
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CSI: "Leapin' Lizards!" Review by: Generalissimo Furioso 2007-05-07 There's nothing left to say, other than the fact that CSI should have been cancelled years ago. Why? Because a TV show needs to know when to end before it becomes self-parodical merely by existing. Since I'm sure the writers never imagined CSI to be the next Police Academy, now would be a really good time to end it. But since it's the only show keeping CBS afloat (including its spin-offs, which I have equally large bones to pick with as well), I'm sure they're going to run this show as far it can go and afterwards, deep into the ground. |
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The Wedding Bells Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-03-29 Unless you're a fucking idiot, you should understand the title refers to 'wedding', and not 'weeding'. Thus, you can assume the main characters run some sort of wedding service. And do they ever! Three sisters run a wedding service designed to make every bride feel good and ensure the wedding goes off without a hitch. So it's like the movie The Wedding Planner, hold the Jennifer Lopez. |
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Afro Samurai Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-03-27 Josiah X: "Oh, I see how it is! The BLACK MAN can't have his own television series without the Zionist television executives forcing some white culture to dilute it! This time it's Japanese culture, also known as the one white people respect and co-opt almost as much as they co-opt black culture. We can't have a REAL black man killing people with his real weapon of choice (a gun), so let's gook him up! Perfect, Hollywood. Perfect. Why don't you slander the black race some more? Oh, wait, I forgot. You're too busy making Rush Hour 3 (soon to be the MOST RACIST FILM OF ALL TIME)." |
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24: The fictional basis for the neocon agenda |
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24: The fictional basis for the neocon agenda by: Doom 2007-03-27 It's gotten so comical the U.S. military actually called up Surnow and told him to knock it the fuck off on the torture, because it was influencing the troops' behavior in regards to treating 'enemy combatants'. Uh...exhibit fucking A that our troops ain't fucking genius heroic superheroes. If they get their ideas for a TV show, they're fucking idiots. BUT I SUPPORT 'EM OF COURSE!!!!!!!!! And think about these facts again for a second. 24 is actively hurting the War on Terror by giving soldiers bad notions on what works in interrogation and what doesn't. The irony...the irony makes me explode with anger and hilarity. |
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Raines: "Pilot" Review |
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by: Doom 2007-03-24 This similarity between the two characters and their abnormal method for investigating makes me wonder how Raines would've fared had Duchovny played the title role. Ultimately, Goldblum is the better choice. The Duchov hasn't aged well, and he looks noticeably older (this was even apparent in the later seasons of The X-Files), whereas Goldblum only looks more regal in his later years. You might go so far as to call him a taller, more awkward and American version of Rowan Atkinson. |
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Late Show with David Letterman: Sandler Edition Review |
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Late Show with David Letterman: Sandler Edition Review by: Doom, Nixon and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-03-24 So yeah, we get to see Sandler's dog do dog-things for about five minutes... Oh wait, that was Don Cheadle. |
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The Winner Review |
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by: Doom 2007-03-14 Hot dog, we don't have a weiner. |
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Beauty and the Geek 3 Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2007-02-17 HULK REFUSE TO BE OPPRESSED BY POORLY DONE GAME SHOWS! ARGH! HULK SMAAAASH! HULK COME BACK TO EARTH AND KICK IRON MAN'S ASS FOR SENDING HULK TO ALIEN PLANET WITH ONLY THE CW CRAP TO ENTERTAIN HULK! |
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South Park |
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by: Nixon 2007-02-14 Hey guys, isn't (X) wacky?! |
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The Batman: "Artifacts" Review |
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The Batman: "Artifacts" Review by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-02-14 My favorite character in the future, by far, would have to be Oracle. She tells her father (whose post-retirement job from the force appears to be standing around and doing nothing) that she works at some sort of tanning salon. She lacks the walking ability, yet there is never one joke about how she can't walk. There is no reference to her getting raped by the Joker; a flashback would be very entertaining for the kids (and informative!). |
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Law and Order: "Talking Points" Review |
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Law and Order: "Talking Points" Review by: Generalissimo Furioso 2007-02-08 "I didn't mean to shoot her, I just wanted to scare her, make her choke on her words... But my hand was shaking, and the gun went off!" |
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The Sarah Silverman Program Review |
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The Sarah Silverman Program Review by: Doom 2007-02-08 wonder why Comedy Central greenlit this. The Mencia Racism Variety Half-Hour adds more substantial content to the lineup than Sarah Silverman's Ego-Trip Junction. Could the exodus of Dave Chappelle really cause this much havoc? Apparently yes, as CC seems to give episode orders to any vaguely ethnic comedian (or incredibly white in Carlos Mencia's case) who promises a wealth of controversial racial humor. |
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Smallville: "Justice" Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-01-28 Douchebags Assemble! |
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The Class Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-01-22 According to this show, there is only one real definitive type of person acceptable for being used to create jokes: gays. GET IT, THE JOKE IS GAYS BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY AND SHOULD BE MOCKED AS A RESULT OF HOW DIFFERENT THEY ACT. FUNNY!!!! |
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Day Break Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-01-12 Still not fully aware of the genius that is Day Break? Day Break could've been the cheapest, easiest show to make ever, had people actually watched it and comprehended the ingenuity of the premise combined with the amazing cost cutting measures. Think of the cynical brilliance, people. One week, the writers could just splice together outtake versions of previous scenes and call it a new day. Or they could rerun an episode wholesale and call it new under the auspices of 'Hopper doesn't do anything different this time, seriously'. |
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10 Items or Less Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2007-01-03 HULK HAIKU 10 ITEMS OR LESS |
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Fantastic Four: "Zoned Out" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Zoned Out" Review by: Doom 2006-12-30 Johnny Storm and his latest FLAME (GET IT), Frankie, are messing around in Reed's lab when Frankie dons Reed's magical power glove and accidentally creates a portal to the Negative Zone. Which she promptly gets sucked into. See, the key to Johnny's character, I think, is pairing him up with people dumber than him. Perfect! |
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Fantastic Four: "World's Tiniest Heroes" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "World Tiniest Heroes" Review by: Doom 2006-12-25 Instead of being a blonde guy, this Hank has slick black hair...and a fucking goatee. A goatee. What the fuck is this, The Batman? Where everyone needs to be 'hipped up' for the audience of hipster 12 year olds? Goatees haven't been popular amongst non-douchebags for at least 15 years. |
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Heroes: Superheroes by hacks |
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by: Doom 2006-12-10 If you want to know what caused Heroes to be created, here's a simple guide on how to create Heroes from the safety of your own home and/or at Barnes & Noble. Okay. Here goes. First, pick up a trade of Rising Stars by J. Michael Straczynski, preferably the first one. Carefully rip out every page in the trade (make sure you own this TPB, or else you'll get into trouble!). Take those ripped out pages and paste them ever so gently into a scrapbook-type layout. |
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Fantastic Four: "My Neighbor Was a Skrull" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "My Neighbor Was a Skrull" Review by: Doom and the Red Fox 2006-11-22 Everybody mark 'impersonation episode' off your cliché checklist (and, debatedly, coma fantasy/dream sequence episode). We've whittled it down to only a few now: children episode, shrinking episode, wild west, future, and journey to the center of someone. A few more until the writers run out of ideas reused over and over on Saturday morning cartoon shows from the 1980's! |
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Raider Grudgematch: Battle of the SNL Ripoffs |
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Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip vs. 30 Rock by: Doom 2006-10-30 They're completely stereotypical. Like D.L. Hughley's character, the only black guy in the cast. He complains to Perry about the lack of black writers, then telling Perry the story of his childhood. Projects, violence, poverty. They go to a comedy club where they see an unfunny black comedian. Highley asks the guy his background. Projects, violence, poverty. What a coincidence! The only black guys on the whole Goddamn show share the exact same adolescence! |
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Raider Grudgematch: Battle of the Soon to be Cancelled Sitcoms |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2006-10-28 Put into Hollywood lingo, Happy Hour is Seinfeld meets a horrible car wreck. |
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Survivor: Race War Edition |
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by: Osama bin Adam Reed, Hitler Devil Thompson, Carenage, Josiah X, Bill O'Reilly, Lorne Michaels, Shigeru Miyamoto, Toby Keith, John Madden and Steve Niles 2006-10-28 John Madden: "That said, if I need to give a prediction and advice on who to put your hard earned cash on, I'd go with the black tribe. The talent pool's been hit by a bit of a drought considering Hurricane Katrina, but the weakness caused by the big loss in the Gulf is the same reason I think they'll win. More importantly, poverty statistics prove blacks are just plain hungry." |
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Drew Carey's Green Screen Show |
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Drew Carey's Green Screen Show by: Doom 2006-10-26 The Drewman says the one thing not fake in the studio other than the performers is the audience, but I don't believe him, mainly because the audience applauds and laughs and generally behaves in a manner befitting attendance at a non-Drew Carey event. I've never heard anyone I know knowingly laugh at Drew Carey unless it's at his expense or sarcastic laughing in the form of "God, what a fat, useless idiot and I'm not speaking of Rush Limbaugh for once" or "I'd really like to snap his glasses in two and push him off the Sears Tower". |
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Raider Grudgematch: Battle of the Sketch Comedies |
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SNL vs. MADtv vs. The Genocide in Darfur by: Doom and John Madden 2006-10-08 The Killers likewise suck, and the singer is still the most concentrated form of gayness outside of Charles Nelson Reilly. He even has a child molester mustache now! The perfect ensemble for creeping everyone out. The drummer looks suspiciously like My Name is Earl. Oh, and they happen to suck at music too. Note to The Killers: ripping off New Wave and combining it with shitty pop music isn't original, better bands have done it before. |
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12 Oz. Mouse: Heir to the Sealab throne of crappy comedy |
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12 Oz. Mouse: Heir to the Sealab throne of crappy comedy by: Osama bin Adam Reed and Hitler Devil Thompson 2006-10-08 Osama bin Adam Reed: You remember our jihad on good TV, later renamed Sealab 2021, correct? The Jewish hegemonic state of Filth Network cancelled it despite the passionate pleas of Reich Lazzo, our good Nazi friend. Our plans to destroy Western culture through flying planes full of Sealab 2021 DVDs has thus far been successful but our membership is low in numbers. We need to branch out and find new jihadists. But Adult Swim too good! So against crappy comedy I feel like I am going to explode!!! |
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Smallville: "Zod" Review |
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by: Doom 2006-10-04 Remember how every Smallville episode follows the school of 'throw someone against a wall to signify fighting' fighting? Well, it looks as though they upped the budget a bit for the premiere, but the special effects crew must've blown it on candy or prostitutes, as, um...the special effects befit, oh, I don't know, The Matrix Goes To High School. |
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Raider Grudgematch: Battle of the Superheroes |
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Legion of Superheroes vs. The Batman by: Doom, the Red Fox and the Fanboy 2006-09-30 The Batman has to be one of the most incompetent detectives in all of Gotham City, if not the world. He starts his detective work by finding a single toothpick in the middle of a circus and is able to DNA test it to associate the toothpick with Zucco. First of all, he is stealing police evidence and Gordon doesn't even reprimand him for this. Second, how the hell does he have Tony Zucco's DNA on file. Did he take a swab from Zucco in their last battle? |
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Fantastic Four: "Hard Knocks" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Hard Knocks" Review by: Doom and the Hulk 2006-09-30 ALSO, LAST TIME HULK BRUSHED TEETH, HULK HAD TEETH, NOT INTERLOCKING SET OF TEETH ON UP AND LOW JAW! HULK NEVER SOUNDS LIKE STEROID UP ECHO NOISE MAN! AND HULK NEVER GET CAUGHT BY STUPID MILITARY STUPIDTARY! NEVER! THUNDERBOLT ROSS CRUSHED BY HULK! |
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Fantastic Four: "Doomsday" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Doomsday" Review by: Doom 2006-09-27 Reed spends a hilarious amount of time grappling with the idea of this. Who knows, maybe he leaked fabricated documents to the media in his sleep! I think there was an episode of The West Wing about the subject. The other 3 of the Fantastic Four must now tussle with generic Gundam robots, which means something evil is afoot. I love how they don't know who the evil robots are from, as if they haven't seen the exact same design used by one of their recurring foes several times. |
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Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip |
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by: Lorne Michaels 2006-09-24 Matthew Perry's character says Pat Robertson is a bigot and if you add Halloween costumes, The 700 Club is a Klan rally. I originally thought, "Yeah, and?" but then one of my interns told me he meant it in a negative way. Negative? First you Jews kill Christ and now you compare Pat Robertson to a bigot just because he's drowned a few niggers? It's unfair and it's an example of the prejudice Hollywood has for people who just want the rest of the races to be exterminated. |
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Fantastic Four: "Doomed" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Doomed" Review by: Doom 2006-09-20 Doom wants to get in Sue's unstable pants, his entire plan consists of "Stealing a guy's body and setting them up the bomb (don't worry, the Doom plots degrade even further in the next episode)", and he's a fucking dumbass, because if he didn't act like Doom while in Reed's body, no one would've been suspicious and then he'd be able to easily kill them all. Christ, might as well wear a T-shirt announcing to the world, "I am DOOM! I WILL KILL YOU!". |
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Family Guy - Stewie Loves Lois |
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Family Guy - Stewie Loves Lois Review by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-09-17 Normally a man who receives financial success from stealing material and ideas would go to jail to be either someone's bitch or someone's cigarette equivalency trade-in. But in a show of injustice, Seth MacFarlane surveys the landscape of American comedy now and yells to his many serfs, "Go! Increase hackery in the following regions! A pox on those who promote intelligence, wit and originality!" |
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The War at Home Season 2 |
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by: Rammspieler 2006-09-17 Of course I wasn't too fond of the story or the premise of the show. I didn't know if I was watching Family Guy or Family Matters. It certainly does have the whole Family Guy thing going, what with the zany flashbacks to events that have nothing to do with the plot and those damnable monologues (because the one with middle son doing his little "Gideon" song routine was just fucking disturbing). |
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American Dad - Camp Refoogee |
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American Dad - Camp Refoogee Review by: Dizz 2006-09-17 In the Animation Abomination decision-making, I made the mistake of overestimating my powers of withstanding stupidity and decided I would be the one to take on the dreaded American Dad episode. Fortunately, I was able to regain my British accent by watching movies and shows with John Cleese, drinking hot tea, and not brushing my teeth. Unfortunately, I also was unable to finish this article on time and thus was forced to watch So Graham Norton, had my face slammed into my ceramic tea pot which was still mostly full and very hot, and was held down and my teeth were scrubbed with steel wool. |
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The Simpsons - The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and her Homer |
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The Simpsons - The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and her Homer Review by: The Fanboy 2006-09-17 THE WORST EPISODE EVER UNTIL NEXT WEEK'S. |
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Fantastic Four: "Trial By Fire" Review |
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Fantastic Four: "Trial By Fire" Review by: Doom 2006-09-07 Ronan still wants to kill them but the Supreme Intelligence overrules him, something which will confuse the shit out of non-continuity nerds, because to a non-nerd, it's sorta like "Wizard of Oz appears in the sky and tells Ronan not to kill the FF". Apparently the entire Kree governmental hierarchy bases itself on people yelling "SILENCE!" at each other. |
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Entourage Stole EVERYTHING from Steve Niles |
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Entourage Stole EVERYTHING from Steve Niles by: Steve Niles 2006-09-04 For one, it won't be CENSORED by HBO's STANDARDS. It'll show STEVE NILES (played by JOHNNY DEPP) fucking every single girl he ever fucked (I'M THE BODY DOUBLE). And the original line "LET'S COCKPUNCH IT OUT, BITCH!" instead of the GAY LAME "Let's hug it out, bitch!" |
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The Reasons for the Fall of Humanity: #2 Inuyasha |
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The Reasons for the Fall of Humanity: #2 Inuyasha by: Generalissimo Furioso 2006-08-31 It tells the tale of a 15-year old girl (RAPE) who falls into a magic (RAPE) well and winds up in the Japanese Feudal era, but instead of the cool one that actually happened, this is a magical fragical land where pixies and demons run around molesting children and defecating in vital water supplies (RAPE). She runs into a (RAPE) Dog Demon named after the show, yadda, yadda, yadda (RAPE) and they go off to spawn incestual love children in the woods.
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The SNL Cast: Who Stays and Who Goes |
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The SNL Cast: Who Stays in the Ghetto and Who Goes to Auschwitz by: Lorne Michaels 2006-08-26 Maya Rudolph has a black mother. Yes, ordinarily that would be enough to send her to the gas chamber. But she also has...a JEWISH FATHER. I can't even begin to come up with slurs to use on her. Kikigger. Jewgro. Toucan Darkie. And the tools I can use to ward her off now! A burning oven shaped like a cross. Nazi uniform boots, which she can shine for me before I smash her bakery up and terrorize her family. The list goes on and on. |
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Garth Marenghi's Darkplace |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso 2006-08-17 I don't want to spoil the show, so I won't describe the plot in much more detail than Miami Vice meets Kingdom Hospital meets St. Elsewhere, all with a really well done sense of 80's camp. Everyone has a gun, ghosts and monsters appear every five seconds and it actually seems like a show an autistic five year old would imagine looking at a snow globe.
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Who Wants to be a Superhero? |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso 2006-08-08 From there, the heroes learn the most important lesson of the day, ROTIART is TRAITOR spelled backwards. Yes, the spy was named ROTIART, and he was the only fat, pasty, white guy with a costume consisting of a bundle of cords and wires leadings to bags and pouches over CAMOUFLAGE!
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Aquaman: The One Episode Wonder |
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Aquaman: The One Episode Wonder by: Doom and the Red Fox 2006-08-08 Nothing differentiates Atlanteans and regular humans other than the stupid, stupid necklace and the weakness for water. Yes. One of the 'climactic' moments of the pilot involves A "Something Corporate" C and Art Jones almost dying due to dehydration. Popeye needing to find some spinach in time to stop Bluto for the 863rd time is more exciting and nerve-wracking. Future scripts better have had villains throwing Aqualad into the desert, where he must find a drop of water before he dies. |
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward |
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward by: Doom and the Red Fox 2006-08-08 The new villains, slave traders, are generic in a Star Wars sort of way, and though they did not appear, the press release relating to Fast Forward prominently mentions 'The Dark Turtles'. Oh, I'm sure these will be original character not completely rehashed from the completely overused duality motif. Maybe they could flip coins and speak in broken English! |
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Power Rangers: Mystic Force |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2006-07-19 What do all nerds love in the minds of executive producers? Card games. And magic. And cell phones capable of WiFi and morphing. Thus, we have Power Rangers: Mystic Force, a series involving a bunch of kids learning magic through an Arabic-looking guy whose traveling abilities include a flying carpet (not racist!) and a train card that when punched creates a real train. Don't forget the magic lamp filled with a talking cat. The rest of the Rangers love nerdery too, except for the Green Ranger, and Arabic guy regularly chastises him for not boning up on his nerd lessons. NERRRRRRRRRRRRD. |
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Witchblade Anime Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2006-07-09 Hell, if they retitled it "Kramer Versus Kramer: The Anime" or "I Am Sam: The Anime", it'd be a better adaptation of those respective films about prolonged child custody battles. The Witchblade in the comics fights crime with or without clothes as both a cop and as a mystically endowed superheroine determined to pigeonhole comic books as 'a creepy pervert hobby' once and for all. In the anime, we follow a single mother with dreams of tentacle rape losing her daughter to the cops and then to either the government or an evil corporation, probably both, by freelance photographer/wisecracking superhero Peter Parku the Spectacular Stalker-Man. |
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Dane Cook's Tourgasm |
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by: Appealing To The Ages 18-25 Nostalgia Driven Disposable Income Crowd Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-07-09 WHEN HULK SAT ON TOILET COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, HULK THOUGHT "WHY NOT DANE COOK WITH POPULAR TV SHOW? ALSO, DO I REMEMBER FAMOUS COMMERCIAL INVOLVING SOMETHING I ONCE REMEMBERED AS LITTLE-HULK? HULK NOT REMEMBER! HULK NEED TO POP IN DANE COOK CD TO REMEMBER!" NOW HBO ANSWERED HULK'S PRAYERS WITH SHOW TOURGASM. DANE COOK USES LOTS OF FUNNY EXAMPLES FROM HULK'S PREVIOUS YEARS OF LIVING AND HULK LOVES IT, OR AT LEAST ESSENTIAL 18 TO 25 DEMOGRAPHIC LOVES IT! |
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Blade: The Series |
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by: Doom 2006-07-07 Sticky Fingaz's Blade ranges from stoic and depressed to angry but still stoic and depressed. He over enunciates words and his voice becomes comical after about five minutes. He's to Wesley Snipes what that guy on The Crow: Stairway to Heaven was to Brandon Lee. At best Sticky ripoffs off Wesley Snipes playing Blade but failing due to his differing acting talents as compared to Snipes. If SpikeTV wanted a rapper-turned-actor they should've gotten Flava Flav. |
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| Tonight Show with Jay Leno: America's Unfunniest Talk Show |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: America's Unfunniest Talk Show by: Bruce Banner 2006-06-26 "Jay Leno, (insert age here), known for poor comedic delivery, dated jokes and pandering hosting, died on (insert date here) of (insert causes here). His legacy will continue in the hearts and minds of all who love easy to swallow, bland humor. No one was willing to come forward as relatives or friends of Jay Leno, so technically the comedian is survived by no one."
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| Batman Beyond Season One Review |
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Batman Beyond Season One Review by: Rammspieler 2006-06-25 With big ass pool in cart and the remaining copy of Batman Beyond in hand, I proceeded to the register and on to the daunting task of trying to fit the pool into the back of a 2001 Ford Escort's trunk. But nevertheless I went home with the nagging doubt in my mind about whether making that little side purchase was going to be worth it, with a slight tinge of guilt at the back of my mind, much like those times when I went out to buy porn movies, only to be disappointed with them at the end because the acts depicted on the box did not come out in the actual movie and I felt ripped off. |
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| Lucky Louie Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-06-25 SUMMARY TIME! LOUIE, OUR 'HERO', WORKS IN A MUFFLER SHOP WHILE HIS WIFE WORKS AS A NURSE, MAKING MORE MONEY THAN LOUIE. UH OH! THEY HAVE ONE ANNOYING STUPID PUNY DAUGHTER. HULK THOUGHT THIS HBO, NOT SITCOM CRAPNETWORK! IN PILOT EPISODE, THERE ARE TWO STORYLINES: LOUIE NOT WANTING TO OFFEND BLACK NEIGHBOR, AND LOUIE'S WIFE WANTING TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN. HULK NOT AMUSED AT ALL, SOUND LIKE IDEAS FROM WAR AT HOME WITH MORE SWEARING INVOLVED, WHICH IS WHAT THEY REALLY ARE! ARGH, HULK HATE BAD ATTEMPTS AT "EDGY" COMEDY! |
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Celebrity Deathmatch Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-06-16 New and unimproved. Drastically declined, actually. |
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Dog Bites Man Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2006-06-15 If a show seems beneath a network that shows Blue Collar Comedy Show reruns and lets Adam Carolla create a new trainwreck every sixth months, you know it's bad. |
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Smallville 5x22: Vessel Review |
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by: Doom 2006-05-21 IF A FUCKING DISEMBODIED DAD TELLS YOU TO KILL SOMEONE, YOU KILL THEM. CHRIST, JUST FUCKING KILL LEX. HE'S BALD, NO ONE CARES ABOUT HIM. |
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Cheerleader Nation |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-05-21 THEN COMES COMPLETELY RANDOM POOL SCENE WHERE CHEERGIRLS ARE ALL IN BIKINIS! HULK NOT LIKE SCENE, IT MAKES HULK FEEL BAD BECAUSE THERE ARE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW WATCHING SCENE WITH SOUND OFF AND HAND IN PANTS! EUGH! HULK FEEL SICK!
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Star Trek 2.0 |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-05-21 Why G4 felt the need to present this in such an obviously terrible way is completely mysterious, and it can only be chalked up to vodka, vendettas, and bribery, a common practice in programming decisions for networks, actually. |
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Numb3rs: It's crime...for nerds! |
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Numb3rs: It's crime...for nerds! by: Doom and Nixon 2006-05-14 In conclusion, 01001110 01110101 01101101 01100010 00110011 01110010 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01101100 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100011 01101011 01110011 00101110 00100000 01000001 01110100 00100000
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Heist: The Five Episode Wonder |
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Heist: The Five Episode Wonder by: Doom and the Red Fox 2006-04-26 What will be the next five episode wonder? I truly wonder, because it's really, really hard to be pulled so quickly, and even shit like Free Ride and The Loop get decent ratings, so it's interesting to see how bad a show has to be to get cancelled within five episodes. After seeing Heist, the answer to how bad is confirmed: really, really bad.
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Pepper Dennis! |
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by: Doom, Nixon and the Red Fox 2006-04-26 That's the name of a transvestite porn star, not a TV show.
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Everwood: Why? |
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by: Doom and Bruce Banner 2006-04-26 I HATE YOU DAD!!!
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The Loop Review | |
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by: Doom, Nixon and the Red Fox 2006-04-14 Certainly the actors are grating but that's to be expected given how poor of quality the script is, but there's nothing distinguishable otherwise. FOX would've had a better go at it had the entire show been a loaf of bread because there'd be the suspense of it eventually molding but never knowing WHEN. |
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Free Ride Review |
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by: Doom, Nixon and the Red Fox 2006-04-14 I have seen all of these things in just about every show before so there is no real point to make a big pile of crap that combines everything and makes...crap! Remember Crap+Crap*Crap/Crap=Crap. Evidentially, Fox can't do the math. |
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Mind of Mencia Season 2 Review |
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by: Nixon 2006-04-05 Mencia, while being so "edgy" in execution, is always apologizing. Sure, he just said black people are lazy for the third time, but every time he feels the need to say "I had to say it" and then spot the one strategically placed black man in audience, who is laughing, and try to make it look valid. Is Mencia ashamed? Fearful? Stupid? If he's so sure he tells it like it is, why does he need to re-affirm it after every "punchline"? Perhaps he thinks every time he does it, he reminds people how "dead on" he is and thus makes himself funnier. In reality it's an added knife twist to my brain every time he pauses, looks at the camera, and goes "I HAD TO SAY IT." |
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Gilmore Girls Review |
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by: Nixon 2006-03-29 Gilmore Girls makes The Shield's cutting look like like a Geo trying to accelerate. This sucker flies at a million miles a minute, and helps me understand why all the preppy teen females who watch it seem to be similarly paced. |
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Minoriteam Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-03-26 The fact that one of the villains is named Racist Frankenstein says a lot about the show's 'creativity'. |
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The O.C. Review |
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by: The Red Fox 2006-03-22 ROAD TRIP! Yes, that's right, Ryan and Sadie get to go on a fantastic voyage that leads them out of the dangerous would of Orange County and plops them straight into Realityville, aka the real world. No, this show's writers wouldn't go that far, but they do drive in a Gremlin while Ryan bitches about how hard his life is. I would have paid more attention to his rant, but I was wondering not only how somebody comes to own a Gremlin but also how they are able to keep it shimmering clean after a road trip through a DESERT! |
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Sons and Daughters Review |
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by: Doom, Nixon and the Red Fox 2006-03-12 It's produced by Lorne Michaels. What else can be said? |
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Black. White. Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-03-12 HULK'S FAVORITE STUPID PERSON MOMENT WAS WHITE MOM CRYING AFTER BLACK MOM TELLS HER NOT TO GREET HER WITH "YO BITCH" JUST BECAUSE SHE'S IN BLACK MAKEUP. STUPID! |
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Freddie vs. Joey |
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by: Nixon 2006-03-05 If Joey and Freddie served any purpose, it was to remind me that According to Jim isn't the bottom tier of the sitcom bracket, and that's about the most anyone can discern from these shows. There really isn't anything here, save that lesson. |
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According to Nixon, According to Jim Sucks |
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According to Nixon, According to Jim Sucks by: Nixon 2006-02-14 According to Jim is like some bizarre relic from the 1990's, a time before the shitty game show and shitty reality TV fads swept over network television. Back in the day when the shitty sitcom was king. Because the half hour sitcom that once made ABC's TGIF and NBC's Must See TV was shit, and got wiped out for a reason. |
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Bring back Firefly! |
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by: The Fanboy 2006-02-14 Low ratings? Just because the people in the Midwest didn't get off their tractors to watch the show didn't mean it was unpopular! When it aired I checked the internet every day and sure enough, there were people talking about the show, and we all know that the internet is a far more accurate indicator of popularity. What really gets me is that they cancelled Firefly but let crappy shows like The Simpsons stay on the air. They say the Simpsons is only on the air still because the show 'gets ratings' and 'are critically acclaimed', but I think that shows should be on the air depending on what the internet thinks of them, because, again, the internet is the best indicator of popularity ever. |
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Beauty and the Geek 2 |
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by: Bruce Banner 2006-01-31 I can say the only person I find genuine in terms of geekiness from my dealings with people proclaiming themselves to be geeks is Chris. He is arrogant, condescending to those who he feels are 'inferior' to him, super-competitive and histrionic, socially retarded and seeks control above all else. He personifies the true geek and is quite believable as one. |
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South Beach |
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by: Nixon 2006-01-31 Their past jobs read like a laundry list of horror. Writers for The Slim Shady Show, video games, Teen Titans, STUART LITTLE TV SHOW, JOHNNY QUEST, and worst of all...SMALLVILLE. Yes, South Beach is written by a league of evil far more dangerous than any global axis our president frets over, even the global axis of shrub brush that seems perpetually infesting his precious ranch. |
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Commander in Chief |
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by: Nixon 2006-01-23 Setting up what's sure to be a clichéd central theme of an independent giving America the non-partisan politics they so "desperately" want (Like back in the 90's when everyone said they were a moderate!), we find out that she was nominated on the Republican ticket, and won't be "conservative enough". She's supposed to step down to the next in line, the hardliner Speaker of the House. Oooooh, that's subtle. |
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How How I Met Your Mother Made Me Never Want To Watch TV Again |
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How How I Met Your Mother Made Me Never Want To Watch TV Again by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-01-23 HULK HATE PREDICTABLE PLOT TWISTS RELATING TO BREAKING UP OVER MINUTIAE! STOP BEING SEINFELD, STUPID HOW I MET YOUR JERK STUPID MOTHER! |
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The WB X-Files |
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by: Doom 2006-01-16 Jor-El fits the role of "guy with rather mysterious agenda" but it according to what I've seen, he wants Clark to take over the Earth and then colonize it. COLONIZATION? I WONDER WHAT SHOW HAD THAT AS THE MAIN THRUST FOR A STORYLINE BEFORE. For Christ's sake, Brainiac's natural form is black oil. |
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The Fall of Adult Swim |
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by: Doom 2006-01-01 Anyone see the Rocko's Modern Life episode where Rocko and pals make an insane, horribly random show with his friends called Wacky Delly? Even though the show came out several years ago, it's applicable for Adult Swim, because if Wacky Delly was an actual show, it would've been picked up by Adult Swim like *that*. It's a perfect example of what's being done by Williams Street shows now. Randomness! No context! Animation with little to no continuity within itself! |
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Adult Swim Community 2 |
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by: Doom 2005-12-23 I remember reading an interview in The Onion with Seth MacAwesome, where he made the brazen statement that he didn't think most of his viewers were aware of Adam West's contribution to the 60's live action adventure show Batman. I said to myself at the time, "What kind of fucking retard doesn't know who Adam West is, and the fact that he played Batman?" Well, now I have my answer. An answer that no drug in the world could have prepared me for.
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Smallville - Lexmas |
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by: Doom 2005-12-11 Speaking of fantasy, I'm completely unsure of when this takes place. According to exposition, Lex has been cut off from his dad 7 years. That'd mean this is 7 years forward, right? Nope, all of the characters look exactly the same. So this fantasy posits what if the event that happened to Lex (the shooting) happened 7 years ago. Which would make everyone much youn...oh, fuck it, this is never going to make sense. It's alternate fantasy past-present-future. Deal with it. |
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IGN's Family Guy Vol. 3 Review Review |
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IGN's Family Guy Vol. 3 Review Review by: Doom 2005-12-02 I would like to at this time bring up the fact that IGN was recently bought by Newscorp, aka Rupert Murdoch's company, the same Rupert Murdoch who owns FOX and by extension Family Guy. Not that I'd EVER accuse IGN of shaky journalistic integrity, I'm just throwing that out here. |
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Raider/Counter-Raider: The Boondocks |
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Raider/Counter-Raider: The Boondocks by: The Patron Saint of White Liberal Guilt and Bill O'Reilly 2005-11-13 Bill O'Reilly: "Another point of offense - The Boondocks uses the word "nigger" several times in the course of the first episode. That's our word, Mr. McGruder, and we want it back." |
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The Colbert Report |
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by: Nixon 2005-11-02 The Colbert Report succeeds in doing the one thing no show following The Daily Show has ever done; that is, giving the viewer a reason to keep watching after The Daily Show. |
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Drawn Together Season 2 |
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by: Nixon 2005-10-28 One thing I won't address is how in god's name this got renewed, because that alone defies logic, but guessing from Comedy Central putting another show with Adam Corolla on recently, they must think he's solid gold. Like Chappelle. Only not. |
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Transformers Armada: Carnival |
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by: Doom 2005-10-22 JESUS CHRIST WHY WOULD YOU SUBJECT US TO THIS TORTURE JAPAN |
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Mind of Mencia |
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by: Doom 2005-10-05 I'm racist! Get it?!?! |
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Smallville Episode Review: 5x01 "Arrival" |
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by: Doom 2005-10-01 Chopping off my balls and feeding them to Tom DeLay is more enjoyable than this show. |
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G.I. Joe: Sigma Six |
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by: Doom, Nixon and the Red Fox 2005-10-01 There's also Destro and the Baronness, but no onscreen Cobra Commander. Destro and Baronness spend their time playing chess and other assorted board games. They're barely seen because they're not robots that can easily be blown up. They should've at least shown us Cobra Commander to give us a little comedic relief in the form of his high voice. |
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Battlestar Galactica |
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by: Rammspieler 2005-09-28 As most of you may know, this Battlestar Galactica is loosely based on the late 70's show of the same name. The 70's version of the show was quite the opposite of the things described on the aforementioned list. After all, despite being one of the most successful sci-fi shows of all time, in the end it was a made-for-TV competitor to Star Wars. So of course it had to have aliens and lasers (thanks in no small part to John Dykstra who is well known for making Star Wars a reality and has as of late worked the same movie magic on the Spider-Man films.) But the characters and the story weren't too believable either. It was a more innocent time for television. |
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Tripping the Rift |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2005-09-24 Gentlemen, start your masturbating! |
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Loonatics Unleashed |
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by: Doom 2099 2005-09-24 The episode begins in Acmetropolis. Bah! What a stupid name. Our cities aren't named after corporations. Our cities are SPONSORED by corporations. Naming them after companies on a permanent basis would lead to a lot of cities being named after non-existent companies. That's why after the whole Halliburtontopia thing, we stopped doing that. |
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The Batman - Night and the City |
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The Batman - Night and the City by: Doom and the Red Fox 2005-09-24 "Rojas, you're a loose cannon," said Gordon as he forced him to return Yin's badge to her. Chief Rojas is probably the most concentrated incarnation of a prick that I have ever seen. All he does throughout the episode is make fun of Batman's tactics and get pissed off because his attempts to capture and unmask the Bat are fruitless. Rojas even gets pissed off at Yin because she talks to Batman using the crappy palm pilot he gave her. He uses her as bait to catch Batman while STILL firing her. What a dick. |
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The Showbiz Show |
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by: Doom 2005-09-21 More like Hollywood 22 Minutes. |
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American Dad - Bullocks to Stan |
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American Dad - Bullocks to Stan by: Nixon 2005-09-17 Why "American Dad" got a second season, considering even most hardcore Family Guy fans think the show sucks, most likely has a lot more to do with the contract Seth signed with Fox in their "he can do no wrong" redemption phase than it does with actual ratings. |
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Family Guy - Peter's Got Woods |
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Family Guy - Peter's Got Woods by: Scarecrow 2005-09-17 Right, Jesus...how the hell do you review an episode of "Family Guy"? I'm tempted to just upload an MPEG of the episode in question, for it would paint a much brighter picture than I could. |
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The War at Home |
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by: The Red Fox 2005-09-17 A pilot. In most cases, this is the person who flies a plane and determines whether it lands safely or crashes in a horrible fireball. If this pilot was that of a real plane it would be the latter. From the constant monologues to completely out of place rock music, Flight 730, codename "The War at Home", was one of the worst plane crashes in history, only second to the Hindenburg. |
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The Simpsons - Bonfire of the Manatees |
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The Simpsons - Bonfire of the Manatees by: Doom 2005-09-17 "I'm going to the outhouse." "We don't have an outhouse." "...MY RECORDING STUDIO!" |
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The Simpsons Season 6 DVD |
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by: Doom 2005-08-25 Ow, my groin! |
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The Batman: The Butler Did It |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2005-08-18 Alfred is one of the best characters in the Batman mythos, Bruce's only real 'friend', and his father figure. Plus, he used to be British intelligence, so he can kick ass of schmucks like Riddler and Penguin. Here he's reduced to "Writers trying to make a British guy sound British". |
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Too Late with Adam Carolla |
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by: Nixon 2005-08-11 So the show starts and Adam does a small bit on what’s bugging him. Standard fare except for one shortfall. While the show is live, Adam’s "talk" seems to be equally on the spot. His comments aren’t crude so much as they aren’t. He seems to be coming up short on things to say the same way Colin Quinn did on his “after the Daily Show” filler a few years back. Except Colin Quinn had stuff to say, he just couldn’t deliver lines.
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The Andy Milonakis Show |
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by: Nixon 2005-07-29 MTV isn’t a channel prone to give someone with a physical handicap, like Andy Milonakis, a show. However MTV is a channel prone to give someone with a mental handicap, like Andy Milonakis, a show.
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Sealab 2021 Season 3 DVD Review |
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Sealab 2021 Season 3 DVD Review by: Doom 2005-07-21 You prefer penis to ice cream? |
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The Batman Season 2 Episode 5 |
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by: Doom 2005-07-11 But just as Batman is going to receive the decrypted frequency of Penguin's device...the Batcave power goes out. Why? Because of that damn raccoon, of course! I think it's supposed to be suspenseful that Batman thinks he can control Man-Bat now but he can't thanks to, again, that damn raccoon, but did they really have to use a mammal known for causing a ruckus in garbage cans and washing their hands in rivers before they eat? Lamest. Plot Device. Ever. |
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Beauty and the Geek |
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by: Doom 2005-06-21 Eric ends the show by saying "everyone's just people, man". I guess it took thousands upon thousands upon thousands for Kutcher and company to realize that people are in fact people. |
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Family Guy: North by North Quahog |
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Family Guy: North by North Quahog by: Doom, Nixon and The Red Fox 2005-04-25 Take that, popular movie! |
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The Batman Episode 13 |
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The Batman: The Clayface of Tragedy by: Doom, Nixon and The Red Fox 2005-04-09 The cops come within 5 seconds of Clayface stepping out the door, which is funny because it usually takes them two hours before getting to a real crime scene As the new Clayface learns his new powers outside his apartment, the Batwave goes off saying that some sort of "Clay-faced creature" was attacking citizens. I wonder what his name could turn out to be? |
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The Batman Episode 8 |
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by: Doom 2005-03-30 The Cluemaster! Scraping the bottom of the barrel, I see. |
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The Batman Episode 12 |
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The Batman: The Rubberface of Comedy by: Doom, Nixon and The Red Fox 2005-03-29 Rojas, the frazzled chief of the police force, seems to be really angry that the Batman is stopping crime as opposed to his cops trying but completely failing at doing so. Even though this is about the third episode he's even been in this season, he's pissed off that in 6 months, the city's gone to Hell, mainly because "The Batman" started 6 months ago. Apparently, when "The Batman" showed up, so did the villians. |
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Robot Chicken Episode 1 |
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Robot Chicken Episode 1 Review by: Nixon 2005-03-29 The third sketch of “Robot Chicken” combines urinary humor and, yes, our favorite childhood memory from the 80’s, Transformers. Optimus Prime has been urinating a lot, which means, yes, he has prostate cancer! (trigger canned laughter) |
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How to Make Your Own Crap TV |
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by: Nixon 2005-03-29 Clearly, if Family Guy proves anything, it’s that reference humor with no real point can trump plot and every other form of humor combined, when it comes to pleasing the drunken Frat-boy audience. So, to evolve with the changing times, I think it’s time to make an animated show the serves only to reference B-rate celebrities from the early to mid nineties. |
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Anime |
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Anime by: Doom, Nixon and the Red Fox 2005-02-27 Krang (in a hilariously high voice) and Shredder attempt to revive to a small anime vixen/pixie, just because small women with big breasts and dark hair are obviously evil and will help them destroy the world. And Krang is constantly referred to as an ‘octopus', even though Krang looks like a brain and only has two appendages. They intend on destroying the stars, and then the Earth, giving them absolutely nowhere to live. |
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The Batman: The Big Heat |
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by: Doom 2005-02-25 The following fight between Firefly and Batman looks rather ludicrous. It lasts about 1 minute, and has the best (worst) line of dialogue ever. Firefly, saying why he’s named Firefly: “I’m Firefly. Get it? Fire and fly.” Ah! So it’s not named after the actual INSECT the firefly. I suppose Coldground and Tepidwater are next in terms of poorly named villains. |
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Saturday Night Live |
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by: Nixon 2005-02-14 Okay, so even the best comedians might not be able to deal with the scripts they are given on this show, but these guys, were it not for SNL, would never leave the Amateur Night circuit. Consider this, until he left, Jimmy Fallon was the premiere talent on the show. Jimmy “Taxi is my Peak” Fallon. |
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The American Office |
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by: Doom 2005-02-09 What's the real point of remaking U.K. series these days, anyway? BBC America is on most cable packages, and most other British series are available on DVD now. I can understand remaking All in the Family and Sanford and Son over here, that was a different time, but now all British programs are available to the US. They're NEVER as good as the originals, so what's the point? |
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American Dad |
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by: Doom 2005-02-06 "American Dad" is not satire. Satire would be using irony or wit to show the problems or the stupidity of the system. "American Dad" does not do that, it just makes ‘clever' jokes like “OMG THAT TERROR ALRT SYSTEM SURE DOES SUK”. It's completely disingenuous to the viewing public when critics call this satire, or even an attempt of satire. It's not satire. It doesn't try to be satire. It tries to be Family Guy with dumb political jokes. |
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The Batman: The Big Chill |
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by: Doom 2005-01-22 This episode has the obligatory flashback to his parents' death. Bruce envisions his parents gunned down by Mr. Freeze. Freeze even freezes and destroys a photograph of the couple! Bruce wakes up and hurriedly looks to see if his beloved photo, I mean, parents, are still around. Since Freeze is apparently the killer to fever-addled Bruce, he tells Alfred to fetch his mittens and his jacket, for he is going out to take down Freeze! |
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Adult Swim Community |
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by: Doom 2005-01-19 I figured there would be intelligent postings there, and perhaps even DISCUSSION. Boy, was I wrong! Apparently, the only discussion to be mined from Adult Swim is ‘Here's a Family Guy quote' or ‘Here's an Aqua Teen Hunger Force quote', or my favorite, ‘Here's what an automated survey telling me what Family Guy character I am told me'. |
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Da Ali G Show Season 1 DVD Review |
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Da Ali G Show Season 1 DVD Review by: Doom 2005-01-17 Ali G: Let's talk about some conspiracy things. Let's go back to the grassy knoll. Who actually shot J.R.?James Woolsey (former director of CIA): Uh...JFK? |
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The Batman: The Cat and the Bat |
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by: Doom 2005-01-03 He asks Yin if Catwoman and Batman are indeed the same. Instead of saying, “Well, one of them looks like a bat and another a cat”, she says they have completely different motives. And yet you still thought Bane was Batman. Smart one. But they still might be linked, she says, as they're both weirdos in fetish gear. |
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The Batman: Traction |
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by: Doom 2004-12-09 The mobsters question why Bane wouldn't kill Batman. Instead of saying, “Because it's a kids show, fucknuts”, he says “Because I broke his spirit, which inconveniences him for a few months at best!”. |
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Drawn Together: Episode 2 |
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Drawn Together Episode 2 Review by: Nixon 2004-11-17 The sex talk involved full frontal nudity, which surprised me considering "Drawn Together" airs at 9:30 central. Not to sound like the Southern Evangelist Minister but, “What da hell that doing on the Jesus box!” Granted the nudity was so poorly animated it looked like the inside of a sixth grader’s notebook but still, damn, I did not need to see that. |
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The Batman: The Call of the Cobblepot |
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by: Doom 2004-11-15 Cobblepot gets kicked out for being a pig and not actually, you know, donating anything to the CHARITY FUNDRAISER. He slips Alfred a roll of 1 dollar bills and leaves with his posse of androgynous ninja thieves. After Cobblepot leaves, Alfred notes that he thought the Cobblepots had no fortune left. That's why he paid in ONE DOLLAR BILLS, Kojack. |
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Drawn Together: Episode 1 |
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Drawn Together Episode 1 Review by: Nixon 2004-11-09 Not surprisingly the stereotype concept gets worn out before the full cast is even introduced, and pretty soon I was wondering if I could hang myself with a mouse cable. Instead they serve only as poor mockeries, of the poor stereotypes, that Reality TV’s riddled with. Really, all they do is remove those obnoxious secondary traits that real humans have, so that we can get the most boiled down reality show ever. |
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The Batman: The Bat in the Belfry |
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by: Doom 2004-10-18 On the TV, it appears that Gotham City has 'the lowest crime rate in the country', which makes the entire series retarded. That means even Appleton, Wisconsin has people like Metallo and Toyman terrorizing the city. Everywhere BUT Gotham. |
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Working Klass Komedy |
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by: Doom 2004-09-26 Tired of the repetitive laughs and unengaging characters and plotlines found in most network television programs, I decided to outline a sitcom. I think you'll soon see why "Friends" was on the air for so many years and why I'll end up feeding the giraffes at the local zoo. |
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The Batman |
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by: Doom 2004-09-06 Unfortunately, this new series was not helmed by Bruce Timm and Paul Dini. No, "The Batman" brings a new animator to the table: Jeff Matsuda, known as the man behind everyone's favorite conglomeration of Asian stereotypes and anime-isms, "Jackie Chan Adventures". As one can assume, the results are...less than great. |
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