Best viewed in 1280x1024
The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Doom and the Red Fox
guest commentary by Steve Niles
Whoo! Sorry, I always am excited for a new section, and in the inagural installment of Facebook Idiot of the Week, we have quite the idiot for you. Perhaps the Idiot of all Idiots. Well, this idiot isn't a straight-edger to my knowledge so he doesn't qualify for 'pure idiot' status, but rest assured, he's a big idiot. Facebook Idiot of the Week, as you can understand, will be a bit different from our other timely features on stupid people who present themselves to the world by way of pointless profile/inane writing in an effort to get laid. For example, only a limited amount of information exists on these people as Facebook allows less information (except when you're talkin' important personal information, then it's ready to sell, sell, sell to the highest bidder and/or stalker) on its profile pages. So where we would normally judge a sample of writing or their badly placed YouTube embedded videos or their bad page layout, we're introducing some unique features, such as the Search Method (how we found the idiot), the long absent cause of death betting odds, and since Facebook doesn't allow 'what _____ are you', we'll determine some of them for your benefit as well as the idiot's. Enjoy!
Search Method: After seeing The Grudge 2 and hating the entirety of the film, only increased by the amount of time it actually to get to and from the theatre, we decided upon The Grudge as the criteria of choice for searching out this week's winner. There were many prospective candidates, from the preppy females to the incredible nerds, but the incredibly nerdy guy (think the Fanboy if hit by a car full of bad recessive genes) had his profile blocked from public use so we went with this guy. He seemed to be very happy "cut yourself" emo from the picture of his black and white eyeshadow main picture. Not to mention the fact that it looked like he was raping a small child at the time, all of which helped to put him over the top.
DERIC "NOT ESPECIALLY DOPE" HOPE
Deric Hope, in his traditional look of "I just woke up and feel the need to take a picture of myself in a pathetic wife-beater and/or inside a dank apartment, with the camera filter set on pretentious black and white" for his picture, at the same time confuses and astounds. He displays, nay, flaunts, his contradictions to everyone in his network. For instance, how can anyone with a brainstem be a moderate politically? It's like being a rape victim who doesn't really oppose the rape so much as they're middle of the road on the whole forced sex thing. The main point of this Facebook page, is, ostensibly according to the main page itself, a large pyramid scheme centered on gaining friends for some sort of a monetary payout. I wonder how it works, but I bet involves some hotshot 80's guy getting money at the expense of stupid Middle American people!
For someone who is in a relationship, at least according to his Facebook main page, it seems like he is really desperate/needy for sex. I counted at least four times he mentioned it on his main page alone but for a guy who supposedly already has a girlfriend already he seems very desperate for something to fuck. I think this is mainly to get the message of "Yeah, I'm a guy, cuz, ya know guys like sex, and stuff. Yeah" out to the people and/or possibly alluding to his own questioning of his sexuality. It is either that or he is just so moronic he has no other though in his mind than trying to continually get laid. You know what people like that are called: perverts, or Republicans depending on the case. He does note he's interested in both men and women. Personally, I'm waiting for the moment he changes his interested in to: "Women, men, animals, children, coffee tables, Republican Congressmen, baked goods, and Louie Anderson".
You know how these people enjoy their music, television and film: stupidly. Such is Deric Hope's media interests. The aforementioned The Grudge, the movie of one woman's quest to kill a house made of pure evil, and a cat boy's quest to kill random people for a poorly explained reason. Family Guy, an interest no non-self-respecting Facebook idiot (i.e. all of them on every single fucking network) can be without. And more importantly, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We'll touch on its crimes against humanity in a little while. All in all, his interests reflect upon himself: a reflection of stupidity, love of cat boys, and overall hackery. Jeph Loeb should be a fan of this guy.
It also looks as though this little dumb dumb is a bit of a reader! What an accomplishment. Only I think the books he mentions here are the only books he's ever read outside of required readings by his teacher/autistic tutor. Hell, even then he probably didn't read then, or simply stared at the picture, flecks of drool escaping his mouth. His main favorite author appears to be Dan Brown, with the Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons combo, along with the Harry Potter books. I'm guessing the only reason he read these books was due to peer pressure or because everybody on the news was talking about it so, hell, if everyone is doing it I might as well too. Those books do challenge the mind of a 5 year old, so there's another reason. Sudoku? You waste your time and money buying books to get numbers into a puzzle-esque format just to whittle away the precious minutes of your life. Your time is better spent finding a cure for cancer or trying to find a successful career in life, both of which potentially would be much more beneficial to you and those around you.
Wow, I've never seen such a pathetic palette of obviously deeply disturbed people since I read an Opie and Anthony fan message board. From up to down, left to right, we have a pornographer, Rob Zombie's latest album, an ugly person, another ugly person, a future rape victim...and a pirate. Amazing, huh? I read a little bit into some of these people's profiles, but frankly after gazing at Carolyn Arena for too long (i.e. 2 seconds) I almost turned into stone, similar to the legend of the legendary ugly woman Medusa turned men into stone if they looked at her for too long. With 'friends' like these, who needs innocent bystanders to shoot during Deric's inevitable meltdown into a gun-toting sociopath?
Because you demand it, people: Steve Motherfucking Niles.
HEY, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! Steve Niles back again to smack around another fucking FAGGOT! Initially when Doom told me to comment on this fag, I thought "What sets him apart from other jizzdribblers?" and then "I MOTHERFUCKING KNOW!" He likes Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the GAYEST show in all of history! Steve Niles watched that weekly tribute to cocksucking in the hopes of seeing Sarah Michelle Gellar take her top off or those lesbian vampires fuck, and what did STEVE FUCKING NILES GET IN RETURN? FUCKING NOTHING! STEVE NILES WATCHED 10 SEASONS OF GAY BRITISH VAMPIRES AND SINGING AND ANGST! Steve Niles' vampires in 30 Days of Night, and 31 Days of Night, and EXPLODING BLOOD, kill people and fuck women, not sing in a FAIRY accent! Seriously, if it weren't for Steve Niles' SUPERCOCK's protective shielding, Joss Whedon's homosexuality would've turned Steve Niles into a gay. Thank STEVE NILES his supercock is equipped with holy semen (drinkable at any communion, bitches!)! DERIC HOPE, YOU ARE A MOTHERFUCKING FAGGOT!
Thank you, as always, Steve Niles. You truly show us plebeians the ways of the evolved. As we begin to wrap up this first Idiot, take a gander at one of the pictures we found of him. To be honest, it calls for a redefining of the contemporary use of the word 'gay', as 'gay' as it stands right now is far too straight to describe the following:
I feel...I feel as though my balls retracted into my body just by looking at this!
Well, I think we summed him up pretty well if I do say so myself. Incredibly gay, incredibly emo, bad interests, friends with pirates, pyramid scheme, and so on. Now, it's time for the cause of death betting odds!
100:1 - Natural causes
50:1 - Auto-erotic aphixyation (choking himself while jerking off, not attaching
his junk to a car battery as originally thought)
9:1 - Fopping overdose during an episode of Buffy
7:1 - Recreation of Matthew Shepard death scene in drama school play gone terribly wrong
5:1 - Suicide
3:1 - Steve Niles' supercock creates a hole in the time space continuum by way
of sheer awesome and Steve Niles throws Deric in to plug the hole
2:1 - Shingles
1:1 - Rick Santorum's deadly rampage makes a stop in Wisconsin
Deric Hope is...the David Spade of comedy stars (pointless and useless), Deric Hope is...the Quagmire of Family Guy characters (sex crazed and unfunny), Deric Hope is...the Armenian massacre of genocides (forgotten and unloved), Deric Hope is...the Bai Ling of whores (ugly and attention-seeking) and finally, Deric Hope is...the Ngo Dinh Diem of Southeast Asian dictators (ineffective and laughable).