Best viewed in 1280x1024
The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
Facebook Idiot of the Week: Hipster Time
by Doom
special guest appearance by Elitist Self-Important Twat Douchebag
Since the dawn of time, or 6000 years ago to you idiots out there, man has asked for the answer to thousands of ultimate universal questions. Does God exist? What is the purpose of existence? Why Newt Gingrich? And, most importantly, why do hipster college lightweight dimwits exist? The 'most important' may be subjective, but for my case, it is definitely the pertinent unanswered question for my university years. See, in high school, I was exposed to a number of crazy cliques: the preppy assholes, the geeks, the 'girls who study too hard and would be fuckable if they didn't stress out during midterms', the goths/freaks/losers, the minorities, the sports retards, the Republicans, and so on. In college, the paradigm shifts to homogenize all these disparate groups of people into one big melting pot of histrionic self-centered idiocy. Coffee-loving, indie music listening, 'spontaneous' activity indulging idiots known to the world as 'hipsters'. Hipsters, yecch. Tonight we will metaphorically cut open one of these bastards and throw them under a microscope to see what makes them tick, and contrary to popular belief, it's not Radiohead.
Search Method: The figurative cheese to lure out any decent hipster has been, and always will be, Radiohead. Idiot kids can't get enough of sitting in their apartments and wondering what Thom Yorke really meant by the phrase "A pig in a cage on antibiotics". The world might never know. The world will know how to differentiate freaks and norms by interest in the music collective from the land of lifts and lorries (Radiohead is innovative and genius; hipsters have misappropriated their work in a way similar to the Nazis taking up badly edited Nietzsche). This led me to this week's atrocity monger.
STEPH "ABBREVIATING ONE'S NAME TO 'STEPH' IS A SIGN OF MENTAL RETARDATION" WARSH
Picture whore!
To understand the mentality of the hipster, let's first establish some Nuremberg-esque laws of what constitutes a hipster. An active interest in either film or music is a requirement. The hipster must, under any circumstance, drink coffee or another caffeinated beverage which increases the energy of a person and pussifies them to the point where alcohol could kill them in one shot. The hipster needs some sort of infuriating impediment related to spelling and grammar; any one will do. Looks-wise, hipsters primarily need one part of hair which obscures half or more of their face, the classic My Chemical Fagmance hairstyle. The most important requirement for any hipster worth his weight in pretentious bunk is the sense of condescending smugness. The "I'm better than you because I listen to a band no one's ever heard of" factor.
Steph Warsh has those elements in spades. Unknown, pretentious, indie spades. If I were attracted to bland, annoying fucks and not attractive women, I'd fuck her because of how indie hipster faux-cool she is. Look at her hair, for instance. Parted to have the bangs covering one side of her face. At first I thought it was to convey some independent streak. I was quickly proven wrong when I looked at pictures which showed her full face. People, fucks who wear their hair that way are doing it because without it, their faces resemble DEATH. Seriously. Lady is ugly and not in a good, wholesome "at least she has personality" way. The rest of the hip shit checks out; she has residence in the hip district of the city, lists 'people', 'dance', and 'coffe [sic]' as interests, and memberships to several groups of little importance. The smugness can be seen on her 'wall' or whatever the fuck, as it's littered with messages by people referencing inside jokes or asking when to meet for coffee and egotistical blowjobs.
Wow, it's Joanie Loves Chachi meet Down's Syndrome.
Self-identified as a 'music fiend', this idiot displays a shitty, shitty range of tastes. For every good band there's an equally bad or worse band piquing her interest. Her list of music preferences reads like a list of war criminals: Jason Mraz. John Mayer. Fall Out Boy. Good Charlotte. Dave Matthews Band. Green Day. FUCKING MY CHEMICAL FUCKING ROMANCE. You'd think Radiohead and Primus could soften the blow, but you're wrong. In fact, it infuriates me to a greater extent, because I then think, "Fuck! How the fuck could someone like Radiohead or Primus while liking fucking Weezer? ARGH, MY BILE DUCT IS GOING TO OVERFLOW!!!!" New Rule: You can't be a music fiend if your taste in music blows.
Now, some thoughts on this hipster by our very own Elitist Self-Important Twat Douchebag:
I am offended by your assertion that this woman is a hipster or indie in any way, shape or form. Radiohead jumped the shark years ago, enjoying them is several minutes ago on the tapestry of hipsterism. We now love Yo La Tengo until people start listening to them and we declare them sellout mainstreamers. Get with the times, poseur. In addition to Yo La Tengo, we listen to people no one knows of or people who don't actually exist. The lack of opinion on Zach Braff too reveals her to be an imposter. You either need to love him for his innovative use of teen angst or hate him for his popularity among hipsters. Either or. No apathy on the subject of Braff is allowed! Also, Facebook is so mainstream now I hate it. TRUE Internet hipsters use the Grimey social networking site. It doesn't exist yet, but doesn't it sound so much hipper and quirkier than 'Facebook'? On Grimey, people discuss important things, like the meaning of the latest Xiu Xiu album or the best browser in which to view Pitchfork Media. Facebook is not worth my time and neither is this sellout faux hipster. Good day to you sir, I have a film script to always tell people about yet not actually write, and potential to never use! GOOD DAY!
This Facebook profile also adds evidence to my theory of why we as a country are so fucked. No political views on the page at all, or any other opinions at all (excepting the 'music good', obviously). Who cares what's going on anywhere, I need to attend a Frou Frou/Breaking Benjamin/Derisive Snort concert at a greasy coffeeshop with my messenger bag carrying, cappuccino drinking, untalented, unemployed and useless friends! The epitome of the uneducated 18-25 crowd lies in the self-centered pseudo-intellectual assholes with no depth to them other than the desire to 'party', people. We should do the just thing and go to every coffee establishment, independent record store, girl pants emporium and concert halls no one goes to and exterminate all those who reside in those repositories of scum and villainy. It's the right thing to do.
100:1 - Assassinated by crazed three named person for being too much of an
original thinker
50:1 - Natural causes
9:1 - Ironically, breaks hip in accident, dies from operating room complications
7:1 - Shatters vocal cords by screaming "RADIOHEAD SOLD OUT!!!!!!!"
6:1 - Suicide bomb in coffee shop
5:1 - Dies from sitting around never doing anything of any importance
3:1 - Hanged by own messenger bag strap
2:1 - Killed in stampede at coffeehouse concert
1:1 - Dead by self-satisfaction
Steph Warsh is...the Fidel Castro of dictators (so five minutes ago), Steph Warsh is...the Vaudeville Guy of Family Guy characters (never in style), Steph Warsh is...the My Lai of slaughters (overplayed and pedantic), Steph Warsh is...the Natalie Portman of whores (appears faux intellectual but deepthroats it like any other idiot whore) and finally, Steph Warsh is...the Billy Beane of general managers (a pretentious fuck).
View previous Facebook Idiots of the Week:
Week 1: Deric Hope
Week 2: Amy Rymaszewski
Week 3: Kris Allen