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Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Mark Foley, Pope Benedict XVI and Roman Polanski
Years ago, a crack team of army commandos was framed for a crime they didn't commit. Since then, they've been on the-wait, wrong origin story. Okay. A couple of days ago, popular Internet satire artist Jack Day offered to do a few Facebook Idiot of the Week features with his production company Mildstorm. I accepted the offer, stupidly before I thought of asking him to pay me something for the right to take over production. MildStorm grew out of the wild 1990's of Internet satire where many people bought into the success of people like Jack Day, the Fark guy, and BBSpot. Once the market crashed and satire was replaced by funny images and juxtapositions of Dick Cheney into popular movies, satirists were left penniless...except for Jack Day, who wisely invested in All Your Base Are Belong To Us. For his first foray into Facebookery, Day has turned things over to a popular imprint of his satire company. Composed of Mark Foley, the Pope, and Roman Polanski, the imprint, "Wetworks" (groan), focuses on pedophilia, either reveling in it or outing pedophiles among us. I think their credentials speak for themselves.
DAVID "AS SEEN ON TO CATCH A PREDATOR" ADAMS
Search method: Inuyasha
Roman Polanski: I'm not a real pedophile (Charles Manson forced me to have sex with the girl! Honest!), but even a non-pedophile like me is aware of the ways in which to tell if someone is a pedophile. One way is by looking at their televised entertainment. Often pedophiles watch shows for sexual pleasure which is perfectly in line with their sick non-Polanski sexual fetishes. Inuyasha in particular is a common one for heterosexual pedophiles to masturbate furiously to. Me, I think the vaguely furry characters are too old. Er, I mean, too young. Yes, I only date women my own age! And I only rape women slightly younger than me! Anyway, David Adams set off our pedophile alarms immediately with his interest in a series that appeals to only young girls, badly adjusted boys or people who prey on young girls regularly. And as he's not a young girl...
Mark Foley: Tch. Typical. Another STRAIGHT pedophile getting the limelight instead of a gay pedophile. We want our rights recognized as perfectly legitimate rapists in the sexual deviants category! Gay pedophiling isn't a lifestyle, it's something you are born with. Yes, I'm admitting it now. I am a homosexual pedophile. Here, queer, and lock up your sons because here I come to snatch them away from you.
Pope Benedict XVI: You are straying from the topic, Mark! Don't make me teabag you in a rite of holy sacrament again!
Mark Foley: Okay, okay. Despite being a breeder pedophile, David and I share some things in common, things that every good hypocritical pedophile must have. He's a Conservative, meaning he hates gay marriage and derides the left as being full of perverted, sexually promiscuous freaks. A leftie found out to enjoy molesting children as a pastime? Expected. A Republican doing the same? Shocking! I suspect he, like me, often goes on chat rooms trolling for 16 year olds for trying to find a good page to bend over and do other menial work around the office. Plus, his hometown is Lubbock. If that's not code for anal sex, what is?
Pope Benedict XVI: Heil! I must again interject! One of these picturesgruppen displays zee David vith no shirt on standing next to a woman. Vhile my speciality is also not with the men who fuck the underage women, as the Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI knows all and sees all. On multiple occasions this untermensch mentions his keen interest in Japanese anime, anime being a term for animated child pornography (it is in the Bible...or it is now! I am the Pope, you cannot stop me!). The Japanese are a silly non-Catholic people who will go to Hell for their vices of robots, Godzilla and child pornography in the form of animated moving things which, as a Catholic, frighten me with their 'newness'. According to ze Bible, Japanime relates directly to Hell which relates to the Devil and ze Juden. So it ist obvious why he is what he is - namely, he is not Catholic! TO HELL WITH HIM, I SAY!
Roman Polanski: Adams tries to hide his obvious pedophilia inclinations by befriending women who are legal to fuck, but we know the truth, we know he prefers tearing through the hymen of a bound and gagged 13 year old girl. He gets off to the idea of pulling at the pigtails and sucking the underdeveloped tits of a girl young enough to star in a Harry Potter movie. And I say good for him, even though I am definitely not myself a pedophile. The United States, which I don't visit for...some reason, is all about free choice, including the free choice to fuck little children. Let a free society be truly free, so those who wish to fuck children can (I would not be among these people, of course)!
Mark Foley: He makes a fatal error in saying he refuses to drink until he reaches the age of 21. Hey, smart guy, what are you going to blame your pedophilia on if you don't drink? Catholicism? I tried it, it doesn't necessarily work.
Pope Benedict XVI: It always works for me! "I'm the Pope, I can do whatever I want, just try and stop me! Try!!! INFALLIBILITY!"
Roman Polanski: Okay, guys, I think it is time for final thoughts on this obvious pedophile. I feel he is the stalk and talk type pedophile, the one who engages more in words than in actions. I imagine him IMing young girls and constantly asking them if they want to see his penis. These guys tend to be caught by television journalism and satirist nerds with too much time on their hands and not enough young ass on their penises. He will likely become a registered sex offender and seek asylum in another country with more liberal laws on child rape.
Mark Foley: I disagree completely. Adams is a man of action. A man who will find himself on window sills and arriving at the doorsteps of young teens, intoxicated and looking for love. Cowardly drive-by pedophiles don't join Maddox and Linkin Park Facebook communities, out and out aggressive pedophiles do. And that is exactly what he is. What about you, Pope? What do you think?
Pope Benedict XVI: Classic case of power-tripping pedo. As seen in, uh...the NON-Catholic churches, the power-tripping pedo uses his position to coax young children into having sex with him, by offering candy or forcing them to. The only way for these sickos who probably follow Judaism is by shaming them into retirement or suicide, fitting because both are sinful.
Roman Polanski: I suppose that wraps it up. David Adams: pedophile no matter the school of pedophilia he follows. Wetworks' work is done.
[Alarm sounds]
Pope Benedict XVI: It is the Pope alarm! The Muslims are existing again! I MUST DENOUNCE THEM!!!
100:1 - Natural causes
50:1 - Death while having sex with woman his own age
9:1 - Fucks a Care Bear
7:1 - NAMGLA inaugural meeting ends in tragedy
6:1 - FBI sting gone wrong
5:1 - Trips on own fan-made Inuyasha costume, dies
3:1 - Kills self in grief for appearing on Dateline
2:1 - Fatal jerking off to recent issue of Not Even Close To Being Barely
Legal
1:1 - Curbstomped by a dad pissed off at finding him at his daughter's
windowsill every night
David Adams is...the Ronald Reagan of dictators (fucks children), David Adams is...the Pedophile Guy of Family Guy characters (duh), David Adams is...the Russian school shooting of slaughters (traumatizing for children), David Adams is...the Samantha Geimer of whores (SHE DESERVED WHAT SHE GOT) and finally, David Adams is...the Brian Cashman of general managers (blows his load on unproven talent).
View previous Facebook Idiots of the Week:
Week 1: Deric Hope
Week 2: Amy Rymaszewski
Week 3: Kris Allen
Week 4: Steph Warsh