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Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Doom
For Valentine's Day, I gave you a venereal disease.
Valentine's Day. VDay. VD Day. Crass Capitalist Exorbitance Day. Etc. Etc. For happy couples, it's a great day to show affection and keep the other from fucking some loose whore after realizing the relationship is a beige dead-end. For the fucked up angry pricks, Valentine's Day symbolizes everything wrong with culture and America, a holiday based on manipulation and marketing simplistic emotions. I define myself as one of the latter camp, with a few bouts of unrequited desire to fuck everything up and turn me into a lovesick fuckhead. I'm presently in one of those circumstances. Yet I cannot renege on my duties as chief cynic on the Daily Raider and, thus, I must tear Facebook a new asshole, again. It's not exactly hard. Facebook contains no positive value, except if you're a writer and need some quick fodder for a barrage of insults. And rather than taking this holiday opportunity to spit spite at some psycho ex-girlfriend or make clumsy and sophomoric hints to the chick I fancy, I'm going to take down the entire fucking institution of Facebook.
Search Method: It's right there on the right hand column of the fucking home page. The first time I saw 'it', I had to wash the infuriation with some cheap vodka piss and a badly constructed blunt.
Cheap sentiment reigns over the West (the East is largely foreign to this; they have stupid religions to tide them over). People love having holidays to express emotions or feelings that should, ideally, be expressed at all times, or at least more often than 'once a year'. Thankfulness. Love. Friendship. Appreciation of Secretaries. And so on. Corporate America in the 20th century found a way to strip humanity of base feelings and regulate them into a cottage industry. Everyone tries to make a buck in capitalism, so it should be no surprise that we're being stripped of our humanity in favor of some plutocratic fucks telling us what to do and how to live whilst lining their pockets further. Their secret to success is to mask it, to obfuscate their theft of humanity through the usual methods - holidays, commercials, 'the free market' phantom. Facebook figures into this cycle of oblivion by being one of the money-making ventures to capitalize upon our mindwashed idiocy. In one of the biggest examples of shameless whoring I've ever seen, Facebook sells gifts to their users. Gifts. Shoot...shoot me now.
Not just any gifts, either. Virtual, digital gifts. Gifts with no physical existence whatsoever. And only the first one of these virtual gifts is free; additional ones cost $1 each. You might be asking yourself, "Why the fuck would people want to buy this shit? Wouldn't, I dunno, a condom or a card be more prudent?" The answer: people are fucking idiots (a common answer, but one that's served me well for many years). There's obviously no better display of affection than a shitty little image bestowed upon your lover or subject of interest. Other shit would require effort, or time, or time AND effort. Let's now take a look at the many gift options available. I'm sure they'll be on par with, say, gilded chocolate and fresh flowers, or the digital equivalent thereof.
From top to bottom, left to right, what these gifts mean and what demographic Facebook intended to reach with them. Troll (pedophiles). Cupcake (diabetics, girls who don't think they're fat but actually are). Panties ('ironic' feminists). Bear (idiot girls who refuse to grow up and become functional human beings and not media stereotypes). Toilet paper (idiots). Slippers (lounge lizards and flashers). Coffee (college dolts too pussy to indulge in hard drugs). Dog (bestiality enthusiasts). Kiss (guys too afraid to ask for anal as a gift). Box of candy (bulimic girls). Ribbon (loser liberals). Soap (would-be prison rapists). Heart candy (people wanting to play a practical joke on their pacemaker-bearing friend). Sock on the doorknob (denizens of the Porky's franchise). Cherry on top (Varsity Blues reenactment society members). Another bear (idiot Democrat girls...). Rose (Frenchmen and girls being stalked by nebbish obsessed geeks). Another troll (pedophiles). Ho-Ho (ugly American girls). Panties ('ironic'-er feminists). Etch-A-Sketch (girlfriends of the deaf). Rainbow button (fags). Heart (idyllic girls seen in Zach Braff films). More toilet paper (retards who will be bowled over by the gift's 'wit'). Superfinger (DON'T FUCKING REMIND ME OF THE DANE COOK 'JOKE'). Lava lamp (hippies stuck in the 60's). Inconspicuous gift (terrorists). "Best Friends Forever" bracelet necklace thing (13 year old girls who want to waste 14 hours of hard slave labor work on a similarly vapid whore). There. All done.
It's no question that this shit is completely useless gunk designed to cash in on some stupid fools' appreciation of a holiday made meaningless by the White Man. I don't fucking care if the money goes for 'The Cure' (which it won't anyway; instead, some researchers will use it to buy malt liquor to gulp down, because curing things doesn't pay in the medical industry), $1 for a fucking nonexistent avatar of a shitty gift is highway robbery. Note how the screenshot says 'net proceeds', as though there needs to be some transaction costs taken out of the profit. Oh, yes, the shipping and handling rate of SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST! It makes perfect sense. I doubt more than a couple of cents from this overpriced shit will make it to the next fucking charity determined to cure cancer. Unless cancer treatments stop costing big bucks, there will be no cure, shitheads. Don't even bother. Throwing your money down the toilet does the exact same job, and it does it in a much more enjoyable way.
But think of all the people I could send this worthless shite too! Among my Facebook 'friends', only one of them is female. So I have the option of looking like a faggot or the option coming off as a stalker freak to one of the few females who isn't remarkably offended by the misogynistic, misanthropic near-Nihilist garbage I routinely ooze in every direction? Wow, what a fucking list of choices. Homosexual or sex offender rapist monster. I don't know which to choose! Either way I'll get laid once every never. And even if I did have a girlfriend instead of a gallery of women I occasionally fuck and then proceed to ignore, what would be the point in sending this shit to her? Far as I can tell, there's two ways to about it: 1) do it as a joke, which wouldn't so much be a joke as it would be what idiot college kids consider to be 'ironic' or 'hilarious', and 2) do it as a heartfelt expression of 'love', which would confirm to all a sentimental cocksucker nature as well as trivialize the whole fucking thing by expressing it via a social whoring network.
Well, Facebook somehow managed to destroy emotion in ways I never thought possible, a mixture of idiocy and crass commercialism unseen in even the circles of Madison Avenue and Rupert Murdoch. Good job, Facebook. Good fucking job.
Facebook's Cause of Death:
9:1 - God destroys it in a fit of rage
7:1 - Servers decimated by radical Sunni Muslim group tired of "poking" and "decadent Western walls"
6:1 - Mark Zuckerberg kills himself after realizing his life has no meaning
5:1 - Becomes a porno site
3:1 - Made obsolete by next designer wunderkind's plan to tap idiot teens and college students of all stripes
2:1 - Narcissism manifests in the form of serpent; eats every Facebook user ever
1:1 - Rupert Murdoch buys out Facebook, turns it into "SS MEETINGTHINK LOCATION"
Facebook is...the Adolf Hitler of dictators (too organized), Facebook is...the Not-Bart of Family Guy characters (inexplicably existing), Facebook is...the Kent State of slaughters (it should happen to all Facebook users), Facebook is...the Bai Ling of whores (the Queen of Babylon) and finally, Facebook is...the Bud Selig of baseball owners (hopelessly incompetent)
View previous Facebook Idiots of the Week:
Week 1: Deric Hope
Week 2: Amy Rymaszewski
Week 3: Kris Allen
Week 4: Steph Warsh
Week 5: David Adams
Week 6: Adam Butler
Week 7: Peter Szlachetka
Week 8: Jordan Powell
Week 9: The Truth about the Civil
War
Week 10: Craig Higgins
Week 11: Chris Bell
Week 12: Randall Adams
Week 13: Delist Palestine from Facebook as a country!