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Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Doom
CHRISTOFASCISTS UNITE!
As you should probably know by now, my tolerance for Christianity is very low. Well, my tolerance for any religion is very low, but Christianity in particular due to my horrific upbringing in a Christian private school. Let me tell you, it was Hell. Don't let anyone tell you Christians have better morals or are nicer on the whole; they're full of shit. The shitheads at the private school were the same type of shitheads to progress in public high school; jock assholes bullying anyone not following the popular trends which were, at the time, Limp Bizkit and wrestling. But I digress. Point is, Christians ain't high on my list of people I like. Conservatives I like even less. Conservative Christians? Bing bing bing, you guessed the first people I would slaughter were I given the power of a dictator! And so, let's look at yet another Conservative Christian asshole who makes me yearn for the rapture, because then our world wouldn't be plagued with primitive morons.
Search method: He sent me an e-mail a while ago criticizing my "Bush: Idiot or Retard?" article. Well, criticizing isn't the right word. He questioned the article's purpose and existence in a pussy, Ian Brillish sort of way. Those sorts of e-mails piss me off more than the usual "You aren't funny, you're going to Hell" shit I get from psychotic Christians and comic book geeks. If you're going to send me a petulant e-mail, at least give me some material I can fucking use. I decided to investigate further into this idiot. Thank Christ for Facebook, the only place I can easily look up anyone in the area and find all their personal details. Suckers.
TYLER "CHRISTOFASCIST" KRISTOPEIT
Christofascist comes from the sticks of Wisconsin, aka Beloit. Beloit is renowned for its complete lack of existence justification. The entire population could be killed, and not one person would care. Or notice. It is in these places, these cultural abysses, where conservatism takes hold. These barely industrialized enclaves of retarded Christianity and backwoods ancestral blood have spawned or championed some of the worst ideas in human history. Trickle down economics. Supporting the troops yellow ribbons. Intelligent design. If these people didn't come up with them, they still think those society-crushing ideals are to be follow or at least taught. In short, we should've nuked cities like Beloit a long time ago, since it's partly their fault America is in such sorry shape. Ignorant hicks in a northern state shouldn't be tolerated.
Our Idiot of the Week hanging out with a troll. Or maybe it's a gnome. I forget.
As the picture demonstrates, Christofascists look pale white, decent height, freakish smile. Sorta like a socially awkward Joker. The freakish smile is the most important part. It shows how badly he's trying to hide his contempt for all of God's creatures (especially liberals and gays!). Look at how desperately he's trying to act as though he's having fun next to a jovial troll-man! Look! We ought to not even consider him a human. It does a huge disservice to human beings, for them to be grouped in with an insane man. His birthday is no coincidence; no doubt his parents were very disappointed when Tyler didn't draw first breath on the 20th, the birthday of Hitler. See, most Christians secretly admire him. He did what they had all been hoping for. The only hitch was he didn't take it far enough. He should've killed the Persians, not try to overthrow their government. Fucking short sighted Hitler.
I should note one of his mini-feed stories is being tagged in a photo album entitled Beer Pong Tourney. All of you should know by now the contempt I show towards beer pong players; it's a way to get drunk for idiotic pussies too wimpy to chug bottles of vodka. Plus, it creates the entire atmosphere of a 'game' for alcohol, which is completely pretentious and not fun at all. Speaking of alcohol, Christo must've been absolutely drunk to think of being a conservative history major. Those words don't go together at all. If he read those history books, he'd see how completely fucked up conservatism is and how it's destroyed many a country over the centuries. Yet I'm sure he'll grow up to be one of those historians. You know the ones. The types of people who get by not on merit, but by on contributions from think tanks of the right-wing comparison. The obligated 'slavery wasn't that bad' and 'Joe McCarthy WAS right' historian the right needs to prop up so their ridiculous ideas have historical backing to them. Frankly, Cheney and co. would do better to hire a briefcase of dolphin pictures; Christofascist doesn't appear to devote himself heavily to Ze Cause. Hell, except for a few token anti-liberal Facebook groups, he's a shitty Stormtrooper. For shame, right wing. How far have you fallen? Look for him to dispute the Holocaust numbers soon!
His interests reflect upon his poor, pathetic self. CSI and Family Guy are the entertainment treats for idiots of all ideological stripes, not just college liberals who think Seth MacFarlane is totally sticking it to 'the man'. Seriously, every fucking episode of those types of shows is the same. One could watch the same one over and over and think they just saw several different hours of television. The only thing separating him from the typical late teens early 20s douchebag is the love of FOX NEWS. Now, we already know FOX can't provide real news worth a damn, so let me list you some of the great 'shows' on FOX NEWS: The Half Hour News Hour, The O'Reilly Factor, The Big Story, Red Eye, Ollie North's War Stories (Ollie North's CIA Drug Money Mule Stories didn't test well), the new Malkin program about blogs...the list goes on until the end of time. The music misleads where the television stupefies. You can't fucking like every genre if you enjoy the things fuckwit here enjoys, unless you consider yourself a lover of the mainstream of the genre and nothing else. Surely he inundates his roommates with mix CDs of Li'l Jon, Nickelback, Panic! at the Disco and Toby Keith, or whatever other dregs of various genres you can think up.
I do admit I'm impressed by one thing - the books. As I've shown on numerous occasions, people on Facebook don't read. Or can't read. Either way, it sends a message of mass anti-intellectualism when the most popular tomes include Angels & Demons, The DaVinci Code and The Bible. Tyler, to his credit, shows himself capable of looking at words on a page and then understanding them. Yet he still lacks taste. Barry Goldwater's book is fitting, because his entire profile screams "I'm a Republican, but I want to sound sane!" Goldwater, when compared to Ronald Reagan or George W. Bush, does seem sane. You know what else appears coherent in comparison to the last couple of Republican dipshits in the White House? Dunston of Dunston Checks In. Or Carrot Top. Goldwater was a deluded nutcase who conservatism only latched onto because he didn't intend to singlehandedly lead us to the Apocalypse if elected President. The "sensible" guy (with the admirable 'fuck the poor' but no unbearable 'fuck niggers'!) to ease new converts into conservatism, before you show off the crazy racists. Ironically enough, his book is the ice-breaker for an insane collection of far-right screeds. Coulter, D'Souza, books bashing France, the rah-rah WW2 books (back when we had the illusion of moral integrity) all paint the image of a war nerd history revisionist who wants to bone Ann Coulter, which really sickens me most of all. She's not fucking hot, she's Skeletor. I suspect Tyler buys this shite because he's attracted by the various "THERE'S SOMEONE OUT TO RAPE YOUR DAUGHTER RIGHT NOW BUY THIS TO FIND OUT MORE!!!!" style covers.
Quotes remind me of every time a college aged guy tries to put in Ronald Reagan remarks in his profile; it sounds fucking lame every time. Way to buck the trend, guy! And I wish he used a better Dinesh D'Souza quote, like maybe "Pelosi’s crew and Osama bin Laden share common goal". That one would really spruce up the ol' quote list.
Ah, the wall. My greatest foe. It displays all the college stereotypes in one handy dandy column. Beer pong players, morons, whores, every single despicable person you could think of that might go to college, they're on a wall somewhere. Tyler has an interesting mix of beer pong players, whores and morons on his. Well, interesting is the exact opposite of the word I'm looking for. Oh, yes, uninteresting sums it up quite well. I wonder what these fools would do without a wall to post inane banter about showing up drunk at various places or expressing happiness for having gotten drunken the previous night at a poorly thrown 'party'. Probably kill themselves when they realized how shallow and empty their lives were. Disappointing. I expected his friends to advocate conservative things, like bombing Mecca or setting Iran on fire.
In the end, I've learned an important lesson: ideological differences don't matter much when faced with the college mode of thinking. Tyler here is a dunderhead not only because of his conservatism, but also because he follows the college stereotype to the letter: stupid drinking games, stupid inside jokes, stupid wage slave job, shitty taste in everything intellectually stimulating. Whether or not he believed Martin Luther King Jr. was "an uppity negro seeking to rabble rouse and stir up trouble" is inconsequential in the great scheme of things. Too bad. I was really anglin' for a true believer ready to defend the Iraq War until the day he dies. Damn you, university-inspired apathy and inanery!
ODDS!
1,000,000:1 - Taken by rapture along with other Christians, world a better place
9:1 - Shot for wearing one of those stupid Reagan revolution shirts
7:1 - Auto-erotic aphixyation while jerking off to Ann Coulter pictures
6:1 - Zombie Goldwater rises from dead, takes a bite out of Fan Club Chairman
Tyler J. Kristopeit
5:1 - Patton kills Tyler for being a pussy
3:1 - Iraq War Reenactment Society meeting goes awry
2:1 - Iran War veteran killed
1:1 - Goes on 'holy rampage'; kills 13, self
Tyler J. Kristopeit is...the Dick Cheney of dictators (a coward), Tyler J. Kristopeit is...the Not-Homer of Family Guy 2 characters (Republican), Tyler J. Kristopeit is...the 9/11 of slaughters (Republicans love it!), Tyler J. Kristopeit is...the Britney Spears of whores (stupid and conservative) and finally, Tyler J. Kristopeit is...the Jeffrey Loria of baseball owners (hates Canada).
View previous Facebook Idiots of the Week:
Week 1: Deric Hope
Week 2: Amy Rymaszewski
Week 3: Kris Allen
Week 4: Steph Warsh
Week 5: David Adams
Week 6: Adam Butler
Week 7: Peter Szlachetka
Week 8: Jordan Powell
Week 9: The Truth about the Civil
War
Week 10: Craig Higgins
Week 11: Chris Bell
Week 12: Randall Adams
Week 13: Delist Palestine from
Facebook as a country!
Week 14: Facebook