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Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Captain America
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
I should be getting some mad pussy from chicks depressed by my death [read it in Captain America #25! - Shameless Stan]. Snorting coke off a bitch's ass just feels better when she's moaning AND crying. But yet I'm not doing any of that cool shit. Right now, the Sentinel of Motherfucking Liberty is writing an Internet column for some Dr. Doom-like motherfucker's shitty 'web site'. Look, I know Dr. Doom. I fought Dr. Doom. Dr. Doom was a villain of mine. This Doom guy is no Dr. Doom. Anyway, things have admittedly been pretty quiet (other than the media coverage) after Captain America #25 hit seven days ago. Playing poker with all the other dead comic book characters gets boring fast, especially since all the hot bitches come back to life at some point. Gin rummy against the original Swordsman, Mockingbird, Ralph Dibny and Sam Loeb? Fucking bo-ring. All the cool motherfuckers get resurrected. Even my former partner and wingman, Bucky. Now he's got some fucking cyberarm, which I'm told is fucking great for fingering chicks. Christ. I've gone off point again. Did any of you read Civil War: Frontline #11? Yeah? No? Okay. In it, Sally Floyd says I don't know shit about America because I don't log on to YouTube or visit Myspace or jerk off to pictures of Anna Nicole Smith's corpse. Since I don't have shit to do while those assholes at Marvel milk my dead body, I'm gonna start dropping some Captain America knowledge on your asses. Yeah, America's first supersoldier (and BEST supersoldier) is going to tell you what the fuck is wrong with your shitty culture. First, Facebook. Watch out for a star spangled shield to knock you on your motherfucking asses!
Search Method: This whole 'searching' on 'Facebook' thing is new to me, the greatest Avenger of them all. So I naturally looked for the only thing that matters to me: Captain America. Well, hot bitches as well. But they're #2, not as important as Steve Fucking Rogers. After sifting through a lot of gay ass shit about Captain Planet (seriously, he wasn't cool, morons), I finally found one befitting of Jack Kirby's finest creation: Remember Captain America. On the surface. Looking through it led me to determine that you 21st century people don't know shit.
REMEMBER CAPTAIN AMERICA
The first thing I noticed was how low the membership was. Considering I just got done dropping acid and fucking chicks anally at Club Jones, there are way more appreciators of the ol' Star Striped Avenger than 150. Facebook has, what, millions of members? There definitely ought to be more than 150 lovers of Cap. I know this for a fact. A motherfucking fact. Shit, I got at least 200 pairs of panties from bitches willing to spread it for THE CAPTAIN. The second thing I noticed was the picture they used of me. It's from those fucking Ultimate comics, not one of the REAL Captain America, i.e. ME. Look, Ultimate Captain America is a small-dicked asshole. The real Cap would never cockblock Hank Pym, especially not in favor of that bitch wife of his. If Hank was fucking Black Widow, sure, Red and Blue would've smacked him across the country to get a taste of some Iron Curtain pussy. But not for Janet; bitch is homely. And despite her petite frame, Stark tells me her pussy is bigger than you'd think. No go. I could kick the ass of Ultimate Cap any day of the week. And I'm not some conservative prick like he is, either. I care when animals are killed, and I voted for Jimmy Carter twice. Try thinking of another motherfucker capable of smacking Baron Zemo across a continent who voted Carter! Point is, 616 Cap is the bomb. The fucking Hiroshima bomb. Not Nagasaki, that one's for pussies.
I still have a hard time understanding what the fuck Facebook even does. Doom tells me it's for college morons who can't make friends on their own, so they need an online service to do it for them. Back in the days of the Greatest Generation, we didn't need to do shit like sign up on some magical 'digital' service to make friends. We went out to the malt shop and said, "Okay, who wants to give me a blowjob?" And it worked, Goddamnit! It's how I met Peggy, the old dame who later turned me on to Sharon, the bitch who moans spectacularly in bed...AND FUCKING KILLED ME! Fucking bitch. I should've listened to Stark when he told me 'bros before hos'. People who need the Internet to make friends are losers, 'nuff said. Hell, I'm not exactly sure what the fucking Internet is. I don't come from a time where some magical 'thing' exists to connect everyone everywhere. Back in my day, we used to play baseball at night and fuck dames on the beach while Frank Sinatra sung a hopeful yet somber tune.
And fucking look at the people who want to 'remember' me. No hot chicks. At all. Not a tight pussy in the house! Just a lot of ugos and nerds. While I have nothing against them in theory, I much prefer wet pussies to some pencil necked geek looking for Ed Brubaker's autograph. We had a saying during World War II: "if it ain't got muff, it ain't worth the stuff", stuff meaning 'effort'. You see, that was a war anyone could get behind. I personally saved at least 5 examples of hot Soviet ass and fucked more than enough lady Nazis. You remember those werewolf lesbian movies made by the Nazis? I made those. You can tell because the director is credited as "C. America", aka CAPTAIN AMERICA. There are a few girls in the group I'd fuck, but none of them are pretty enough for me to leave my phone number on the night table. One night stand with NO possibility of repeat. It's how I roll, motherfuckers.
Look at these stupid motherfuckers. These stupid motherfuckers! In WW2 we would've used these little shits as target practice. Don't sit in your fucking chairs at your fucking 'magic boxes', go out and kill some Iraqis in the war. Who cares if it's a justified war, it's war! And these little pricks can't even be bothered to follow all of CAPTAIN AMERICA's appearances. No Civil War, no Captain America #25, no The Confession [out now! - Swindlin' Stan], nothing. Why are you broken up over the Captain's death when you didn't buy any of his comics? Stupid shits. America was founded on the free market, and the free market is what kept me alive all those years! Stan Lee hated me because I used to fuck his wife AND Flo Steinberg in the Bullpen meeting room, while Jack Kirby did rough sketches (these would later become his landmark series The Eternals). He wanted to kill me several times, but sales never allowed for it. You fucking killed me, fans! If you bought my comic I wouldn't be dead right now! That nigger Luke Cage would be where he belongs, at the back of the New Avengers, and Iron Man would be sans head (MY SHIELD CUTS THROUGH ANYTHING). Crossbones didn't kill me, you did!
No one can replace Steve Rogers as Captain America. No one. I have nothing against niggers like Josiah X or the Falcon, but why would a darkie be able to live up to the mantle of Captain America? Red, White and Blue, not Red, Darkie and Blue. The other guys couldn't hold my huge jock strap even if they wanted to. Except for maybe the Punisher. But he only seems to do one of the two things Steve Rogers does so well. He kills, but he doesn't fuck anyone. Ooh, waa, waa, my family died, I can't bang anyone anymore because my poor wife died in Central Park. Knock it off, bitch, and start boning chicks again. You think this A stands for America? No, it stands for ANAL! Christ. Get it right, America. The best replacement for Steve Rogers is a buff, 20something version of Steve Rogers. Make it happen, Marvel. Take a time machine back to when the supersoldier supersodomized tons of ladies!
All in all, people like these suckers make me want to go hang ten in the ice again. In the 60 years I've been gone, this is the best America can do? The best? Sally Floyd was right. I don't know shit about the new America or the new American Dream. And I don't want to. Fuck Myspace, fuck YouTube, fuck women. Yeah. I like the sound of the last part. Fuck women. Whatever. Later, bitches!
Remember Captain America is...the Adolf Hitler of dictators (deserving to get punched in the jaw by me), Remember Captain America is...the Ricky of I Love Lucy characters (communist), Remember Captain America is...the Somme of slaughters (lot of French bastards dead), Remember Captain America is...the Jessica Simpson of whores (too peroxide for Cap to hit) and finally, Remember Captain America is...the Connie Mack of baseball managers (a prick).
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