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Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Doom
I am your lightning rod of hate.
So, it's been a while since we did one of these. I won't lie to you: it was both due to a lack of material (once you see one shithead, you've seen them all) and some weariness on my part. I'm too drunk and pissed off to work on this shit with a clear head as it is. Can't even try while on drugs or on any plateau other than 'stone cold sober'. But thankfully, a crazed little Asian man has shown us the way back to these weekly features. His sacrifice of nearly 40 people gave us tons and tons of material to work with. Because the only thing funnier than the sensationalistic media reaction is the shitty memorial poems, Facebook posts, songs (acoustic, natch), armbands, ribbons, and, of course...Facebook groups.
It'd be too easy to just screencap a lot of crying shitheads and laugh at their histrionic pain. No, the Daily Raider is a proactive organization, like the Authority or the klassic KKK. We don't write about the hilarity, we make the hilarity. At great cost to our reputations and our levels of tolerance for "BURN IN HELL, YOU CARPETBAGGER FAGGOT" messages in the ol' Facebook inbox. Thus, I embarked on a trip to the epicenter of Facebook Virginia Tech hilarity - the aptly and hilariously named "ALL OUR PRAYERS ARE GOING OUT TO VIRGINIA TECH" group. I pretty much picked it at random, although it did seem to be the most populous one at the time of choosing (4-17, aka 'The Day After The Day That Will Live In Infamy').
I started off the action by writing a thread entitled "What a load of horseshit". The first post is in the screenshot below:
Not my best work, but a decent powder keg. And boy, what a fucking powder keg it was. I received more responses for it than anything else I've ever done on Facebook. Trust me, you will be shocked by both the volume and the intensity of the responses to follow here.
One of my favorite responses, as it is really one of the archetypal responses people make when notified of what the fuck is going on in the rest of the world. It boils down to, basically, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT?!?!" Which leads me to ask what they're doing about anything, and of course the answer is 'nothing'. They seem content to be on Facebook, doing nothing and wasting the time of everyone else. Hence their being on a fucking Virginia Tech group, offering sympathy to dead people. How I love it!
I got into some hot water with this one, mainly because my response to her was something to the effect of "One of those girls in your picture looks fuckable. Are you that one?". Anyway, let's focus on what idiocies she spouted here. Her post is marked by whininess, bitchiness and generally anything else a girl with a bad case of PMS suffers from. Maybe Cho's rampage aggravated her already dicey female troubles? Yeah, and I also like the hilarity of a woman asking me to have sensitivity. It reminds me of the few times I have a girlfriend and how they ask me to be nicer and not such a prick to everyone in the general vicinity. Her final point - that V-Tech matters more because it shouldn't have happened - makes me laugh. What, so Iraq should happen? All those other 'tragedies'? Her point fucking sucks! Advice: get my cock out of your mouth the next time you want to put forth a compelling argument. UH OH MORE SEXISM!!11111
The next appropriate stupid response: shock at my callousness. She sorta goes off-track insofar as her long block of text bores me (and should bore you), so I've taken it upon myself to summarize it into a few sentences for your reading pleasure:
"Blah blah blah blah People care about Iraq and Darfur! Just not now, or here. You're naive for not believing in the overriding goodness of human nature; people pray, even for people they don't know suffering from things they can't understand! This affects all of us, and it could've happened to any of us. We need to come together and help each other make it through this. It's okay to react this way. Blah blah blah blah."
You would've had to read her entire rant if not for me. I do care about you, readers.
This one doesn't really respond to my post so much as it lashes out at those blasted South Koreans for the "ASO ASO" chemical imbalance in their tiny, rat-like brains. I only have a few things to say to defuse her 'argument'. 1. Cho lived with a lot of pain...hence him BLOWING HIS TOP AND KILLING THOSE ASSHOLES. 2. "Blood bath murderer" is a fucking hilarious phrase. 3. Again, idiot prays for corpses. YOU CAN'T PRAY FOR WORM CHOW, SARAH. Accept it.
Ah yes, this screenshot needs some explaining...I think. See, I'm a terrible person. But you already know that. Sometimes, though, I'm such a terrible person that even I am surprised by the depths of depravity I plumb. This is one of those cases. I made a lot of sexual comments to various people in the thread (probably why Facebook banned me - more on that later), which included "I'd fuck you" responses to the long posts girls made, "If Cho sodomized your sister, maybe he wouldn't have snapped" to a couple guys and just other various demeaning turns of phrase directed towards girls. Man, I love being an unrepentant jackass.
I made this topic in response to someone making one entitled "Was Cho schizophrenic?" I think I did a good job of satirizing the unwarranted speculation and stupid pop psychology these fucks love doing by wondering if Cho was schizo or crazy or suffering from a case of the gooks. Oh, one more question: Who was more angsty: Cho or Jason Todd? It may seem clear-cut at first, but just let me set up the background information. Cho has the whole "You MADE ME do this" thing, whereas Jason Todd has the daddy issues and the "You didn't kill Joker when he killed me" thing for Batman. He's wearing the costume of the guy who killed him and hates Batman for not paying sufficient attention to him, despite Batman mentioning "I let Jason die" every 20 seconds in every Batman story after his death. So who had the most angst? Decide, people!
Ah, Tina D, one of my favorites. But definitely not a girl I'd want to fuck. She looks too redneck for me, first of all. And second of all, her high horse moralizing doesn't turn me on, even if she does let me nut in her mouth. Her naivete pisses me off as well. Yeah, sponsoring a kid is popular for white people suffering from white guilt...but it's not like giving a couple bucks a month to unreliable services guarantees starving kids don't become underage circumcised pussy fodder for the Janjaweed. Nor does, well, anything white people do guarantee it. I also like how she states we can't kick down Africa's door and take over when Europe did it easily a couple centuries ago. It's possible to kick it in and make it shittier...but improve it? NEVAR!!! Would take thinking and energy, right?
The final point most of all angers me: who says buying shitty ribbons does more to not-help people here than buying shitty ribbons for people in foreign countries?!?!!?!
Another classic post summing up one of the other arguments people tried to put together: the 'they're more important because they're white' argument. Now, you readers might be saying "I don't think race has anything to do with it" right now. Normally, I would agree with you. I'm no Al Sharpton when it comes to playing the race card. But look at the guy's use of "first class citizens". Where the fuck do you EVER hear "first class citizens" used except in reference to minorities being treated as "second class citizens"? Do first class citizens get to "drive the bus"? The answer: no. So it's okay to assume he meant white people. I mean, what else could he possibly mean? I doubt all these people were 'model' citizens, although 'first class meaning Republican voters' could be it, since Virginia Tech is located squarely in retard territory. And if he's using himself as an example of a first class citizen, I have to call foul. Despite our citizenship tests being multiple choice, I don't think immigrants seeking citizenship can spell their names in Internet tard speak.
I like this one for the sheer sake of the insanity of it. First of all, you've got a chick who seems to despise me for no apparent reason. I mean, fuck, she's Canadian. Why the fuck should she care about some dead rednecks? Shouldn't. Exactly. Next, she seemingly spins character assassinatin' lies out of nowhere. And they're not even good or well-written lies. You don't fucking need "because he raped the boys mom and got her pregnant" as an explanation! You can let the readers assume. Needless exposition combined with bad writing skills and the apparent belief that these rambling paragraphs of accusations will touch me off equals a bad rebuttal to my initial post. It's easy to call someone a pimply faced rapist; it takes a true master to spin some hilarity out of limited information. But I shouldn't continue to concentrating on mocking poor Diane. Given her icon, she's probably autistic. Heh. See, this is why I refuse to spar with her. All I'd need to do is drop some forks and she'd spend the entire time picking them up and rearranging them. Advantage: Von Doom!
In addition, that so-called 13 year old girl she mentioned is actually 18. So if I am indeed stalking her, it's good old fashioned legal pussy I'm trying to hit! The muff is open for business is all I'm sayin'.
Kristin. Kristin, Kristin, Kristin. I'm, frankly, disappointed in you. Sensitivity? Maturity? Come on. She didn't even do the classic "HOW DARE YOU!!!" post. I'm disappointed.
The rest of the story is pretty cookie cutter. I wake up one morning to see not one but TWO e-mails from Facebook in my inbox, informing me of my violations of the Terms of Service and how I should shape up or ship out. Or something. But the great thing is Facebook didn't ban me yet. That happened a day later, which leads me to wonder exactly how fucking incompetent the administrators there are if it takes them 24 hours between two warnings of violations and a permanent ban. The other great thing is it's a simple e-mail banning and not an IP, meaning I was able to re-register without any administrator noticing. Of course, they did kick me again, but I registered once again and no one responded by canning me. I win! The struggle to circumvent Facebook's bullshit policies has gone in my favor. Victory is MINE! Viva la revolution!
Interesting final note: About two weeks after I started trolling the group (and after one banning), I took a look at it again, seeing if I could stir up some more shit. To my surprise, I couldn't. Nothing was going on. They literally proved my assertion that they'd forget all this shit two weeks after it happened.
View previous Facebook Idiots of the Week:
Week 1: Deric Hope
Week 2: Amy Rymaszewski
Week 3: Kris Allen
Week 4: Steph Warsh
Week 5: David Adams
Week 6: Adam Butler
Week 7: Peter Szlachetka
Week 8: Jordan Powell
Week 9: The Truth about the Civil
War
Week 10: Craig Higgins
Week 11: Chris Bell
Week 12: Randall Adams
Week 13: Delist Palestine from
Facebook as a country!
Week 14: Facebook
Week 15: Tyler J. Kristopeit
Week 16: Remember Captain America!