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Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nerdlinger
guest starring Fat Rights Activist
Week 48: The Man They Call Butterball
Who's they? Well, I, I guess. I, Doom, came up with the moniker 'Butterball' for this week's Facebook Idiot, despite knowing nothing of the man except for his physical appearance. But as 'they' say, a picture tells a thousand words and the real life visages of Butterball do indeed corroborate the perception that he is a slightly taller, darker haired (but just as pudgy!) version of Uter from The Simpsons. You remember Uter, right? "Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!"? Exactly. I figure if you're fat you already have one strike against you, unless of course you're one of those ribald fat guys (Chris Farley, John Belushi, Goering). Trust me, he ain't ribald by any stretch of the definition. Nick "Butterball" Serio has more than one strike, too, as he's an incredible douchebag. He'd be a worthless waste of space even if he was skinny. His Facebook bears this out.
NICKALAS "GAMERA" SUCEVIC-SERIO
Single? I am surprised.
Butterball here has quite a reputation of notoriety at the Raider. We don't really talk to him; hell, we didn't know his real name until his Facebook popped up, but we do know that we hate him. And why is that? Well, it could be simple enough that he's fat, but then Furioso and Nerdlinger wouldn't be able to do this article either. From the information that has been gathered about this waste of flesh, as he has so been called by his own relatives, is that he is the utter definition of the word "failure". His entire life can be summarized into this word. Nothing he has ever done can ever be considered worthy of praise or even recognition apart from what can be deemed mockable.
From information gathered by the Raider Intelligence Service, Butterball believes he has one good trait to his life and that's the ability to play video games. However, from time and time again at playing against Butterball, Butterball has failed to best anyone. It's pretty sad to say the one thing you're good at is playing games, but when you lose to Nerdlinger? He's a fucking moron and can't win at anything! It comes down to the fact that Butterball is no match for anyone at Smash Bros., Halo (a game he claimed to be good at, to the point where he would gladly suck Master Chief's cock at command), Soul Calibur... The list goes on, people. In fact, the only game he seems to have developed any sort of skill at is Dead or Alive, by which I mean he spends hours on end trying to figure out which moves make the breasts jiggle the most. Truly an accomplish befitting a Renaissance man.
Fun fact: in real life Butterball looks like Berkowitz, only fatter.
Interests beyond video games are what you would expect if your conception of Butterball linked him to a love of shitty shooters and power metal and bad, bad, bad comedy. See, Big Boy suffers from what a lot of nerdy idiots suffer from: nostalgia fever. This is not to be confused with any real physical illness associated with nostalgia. Basically, the motherfucker loves everything from the 80s, such as Transformers, Aliens, Predators, and so on and so forth. Shit from the 80s. A normal person would grow out of these things by, say, age 15. But not Butterball! You know, I find this especially confounding because he was born in 1990, thereby making all of his nostalgia for 80s bullshit ersatz at best. And if you don't think those deserve condemnation, look...look at his fucking favorite 'comedy' 'movies'. They're the sort of shit played at the Hague to those accused of war crimes. White Chicks. Scary Movie. Austin Powers. Meet the Goddamn Spartans. I cannot...I...my brain just shuts down when I try to process the information that this dumb likes The Simpsons and fucking cheap, disposable unfunny 'parody' movies made for $6 and expedited into theaters before people forget the movies it 'parodies'. Him quoting The Grinch ala Jim Carrey and Red vs. Blue is just icing on the bad taste cake.
Butterball also claims to be something of an artist, possessing a crude ability to trace things he's seen dozens of times on TV or the internet. As a matter of fact, he also happens to have a DeviantArt page (I deliberately forgot the URL; be assured it had something to do with Halo and/or Yu-Gi-Oh) where he showcases his "skills". Personally, I've never been one to claim I'm an artist. I can barely draw, I don't really like drawing and I don't have any major ambitions to improve my skills any time soon. Yet I still consider myself to be more of an artist than he is (mostly because most of his ideas revolve around poorly copied ideas from more popular venues). He's like that episode of The Simpsons where Bart and Lisa run into Lester and Eliza (yes, that means he's a fucking confusing waste of five minutes).
The rest of his Facebook fills space with a lot of those pointless survey results and extra applications devised for Facebook by mediocre programmers trying to justify their hours and hours spent on a fucking social networking site that doesn't even have the trashy camp value of Myspace. I took the liberty of not including screenshots of these because, really, what's the point? If you use Facebook with any regularity you already know the 'applications' function as those survey results on Myspace and rarely anything more. And if you don't use Facebook with any regularity, you don't want to know about this stupid shit anyway. We've already established him as a goddamn moron; no point in searing useless information into your head.
To top it all off, he's quite possibly a bigger and more disgusting pervert than Greg "Too Much Greg on the Knob" Johnson and is personally responsible for mentally scarring me. You might be asking how someone so pointless could do something so amazing. It basically happened like this... He invited me over to his house for a birthday party, which I attended because I was both bored and hungry for free pizza. So after about an hour of sitting around slaughtering Butterball at the games he claims to be good at, I went onto the house computer (because Butterball and his mommy shared it) and was fiddlin' around with his files when I noticed that in the document's folder was a very overt folder named Nick's Stuff. Thinking that it would be funny to see if he had any scans of his crude drawings (to draw mustaches on them and save over them), I opened it. I instead stumbled onto Pandora's Box.
Usually, I'm not one to judge people on their sexual fetishes, but the sheer fact that he didn't bother to hide it very well and uses the same computer as his mother (meaning she could have easily stumbled onto it like I did) just made the discovery of his hidden fetish porn all the more disturbing. Remember that scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory when that girl chewed on the gum and turned into a giant blueberry? Butterball was jacking off to shit like that. See, it turns out that Butterball is into inflation porn, in which women are blown up like balloons via various methods. The audacity of Butterball to people who may have used his computer combined with the oddness of what he was stimulating himself with caused a critical blow to the memory core of my brain. I repressed it in the hopes that I wouldn't have to remember it and be forced to deal with possibly causing the suicide of Butterball. Thankfully, a dozen months and a half-bottle of Thunderbird later, I remembered the horrors of the House of Butterball and told everyone I could, since now that I didn't have to deal with him personally I could slander him all I wanted.
For some dissenting opinion, I've asked Fat Rights Activist to step in. He apparently thinks fat people aren't useless. Hah.
I am offended! How dare you insult Mr. Serio here! He is not some sort of punching bag for you to... Ow, I get tired just talking about things that can be used for exercise purposes. But, Mr. Serio is in fact a proud and noble man of considerable girth! Who cares if his sexual deviancy could make Jeffery Dahmer choke on his own bile? (Mmm... Bile) You don't have any right to poke fun at him as if he were some sort of delicious marshmallow treat fit for the whole family to enjoy by dunking it into rich, molten chocolate... What? That's carob? You people are fucking sick! I'm leaving to get me my daily tub of ice cream covered with miniature fried apple pies!
I do not find your rebuttal compelling, Mr. Dean, mainly because I find you to be morbidly obese. Let's wrap this article up, as I don't think I can stand to devote wasting brainpower to Butterball's plight any longer. He's a useless person, no one should like him, he embodies all the worst characteristics of the nerd subculture, he could die and no one would miss him, he should be castrated for the good of society, he'll end up in The Big Book of Serial Murderers or on Perverted-Justice eventually, he sucks at everything and any children he fathers (due to forced impregnation or sperm donating, of course, even though any sperm he donates will be noted as either a deadly toxin or the Anti-Life Equation) will suffer from developmental disorders, low self-esteem, inferiority complex and a compulsion to masturbation at all times. Does that cover everything? Good.
CAUSE OF DEATH ODDS!
1,000,000:1 - Dies having sex with a real woman he didn't pay for sex
9:1 - Natural causes
7:1 - Murdered by Nerdlinger
6:1 - Arrested for stalking and sold for cigarettes so often in prison that he
eventually kills himself
5:1 - Testicular Cancer
3:1 - Tries to rape a police officer; killed before he even gets his tiny dick
out
2:1 - Busted for child porn
1:1 - Autoerotic Asphyxiation
View previous Facebook Idiots of the Week:
Week 1: Deric Hope Week 19:
California Minutemen Week 37:
Darfur, Man
Week 2: Amy Rymaszewski Week
20: Barack Obama Week 38:
Puerto Rican Statehood
Week 3: Kris Allen Week 21:
Joseph E. Shelton Week 39:
A Tribute to School Shooters
Week 4: Steph Warsh Week 22:
Angeline "PORN" Catena Week
40: School shootings need to stop
Week 5: David Adams Week 23:
Nigger Cosplay Week 41:
Monique B.
Week 6: Adam Butler Week 24:
Dane Cook Sucks Week 42:
Dizz
Week 7: Peter Szlachetka Week
25: Ron Mejia Week 43:
Ty Ziegel
Week 8: Jordan Powell Week
26: Against The War; But Support
The Troops Week 44: Krista
Gottfredsen
Week 9: The Truth about the Civil
War Week 27: Abortion:
America's Silent Holocaust Week 45:
Love is the Movement
Week 10: Craig Higgins Week
28: Everyone Stay Home from
School on September 11th Week 46:
Hug A Jew Day
Week 11: Chris Bell Week 29:
John McCain Week 47: Andrew Stuiber
Week 12: Randall Adams Week
30: Free Burma
Week 13: Delist Palestine from
Facebook as a country! Week 31:
The Brotherhood of Russian
Supremacy
Week 14: Facebook Week 32:
Ron Paul
Week 15: Tyler J. Kristopeit
Week 33: Adam Breihan
Week 16: Remember Captain
America! Week 34: Bradley
Schultz
Week 17: All our prayers are
going out to Virginia Tech Week 35:
Pray for the city of Milwaukee
Week 18: I'm voting for Ralph
Nader! Week 36: Rammspieler