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Too Human Review |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso 2008-08-24 I keep banging my head against the wall for ever deciding to keep using my Xbox 360 even though I have a PS3. To be honest, I don't know why anyone even bothers to continue using it. Sure, I hear nothing but praise for the excessively loud and hot deathmachine, but deep down inside every Xbox fan, there has to be a small piece of them that's screaming out "WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING RETARDED? YOU WASTED GOOD MONEY ON THIS? I'M LEAVING!". |
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Blinx 2 Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-07-09 There's also a portion of the game you play as the pigs, but we refused to play it upon finishing up the character design for the custom pig character. Look, no one wants to fucking play Blinx 2 as a pig. Find me someone who does and you'll have found someone with severe brain damage or more voices in their head than Mel Blanc. Just imagine a towering inferno engulfing all manners of innocent life and you're likely to have an accurate depiction of the pig storyline of Blinx 2. |
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Army of Two Review |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso 2008-04-16 Remember how Doom reviewed the Bratz movie? Remember that weird existential breakdown he suffered as a result? Well, I had a similar experience with EA's newest IP, Army of Two. |
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Bomberman: Act Zero Review |
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by: Deathkill-360 2008-03-05 Bomberman is a popular franchise beloved by all...ALL BEING PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO SUCK DICK FOR A LIVING! YEAH, THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT YOU GODDAMNED FAGGOTS WHO DON'T SKATEBOARD ON GIANT RAZORBLADES THAT ARE COATED WITH THE POISON OF THE BRAZILIAN DEATHSPIDER! I'VE ALWAYS COMPLAINED ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHITTY ACTION-PUZZLERS LIKE FAGGERMAN DON'T HAVE ENOUGH KILLING (I MEAN KILLING WITH GIANT BLOODY FIREBALLS, NONE OF THAT FAGGY KNOCKED OVER BY A BOMB SHIT!). WELL, NOW THEY DO! |
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Perfect Dark Zero Review |
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by: Deathkill-360 2008-03-05 SO YEAH, THIS GAME IS TOTALLY FUCKING AMAZING AS IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT STUPID STUFF THAT MADE PERFECT DARK GAY, SHIT LIKE UNLOCKABLE LEVELS, CHEATS AND GUNS (WHY WOULD I WANT A FUCKING GOLDEN GUN WITH INFINITE AMMO WHEN I COULD JUST USE A GODDAMNED CHAINSAW!?). INSTEAD YOU GET A FUCKING AWESOME STORY ABOUT EVIL CORPORATIONS AND SPIES. MUCH BETTER THAN THAT FAGGOTY STORY ABOUT EVIL CORPORATIONS, SPIES AND ALIENS. ANY GAME THAT HAS MORE THAN THREE PLOT POINTS IS FUCKING GAY! GAY AND NIGGER! |
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Half-Life 2, Ep. 1, Ep. 2 Review |
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Half-Life 2, Ep. 1, Ep. 2 Review by: Nightcrawler 2008-02-11 In the world of video gaming, there are several titles that are generally accepted as the best games of our time, no matter how many trolls say otherwise. The Legend of Zelda series and the Mario series are generally front-runners, and occasionally included in such decrees of perfection is the Half-Life series. So when I started to play the only other games that had yet to be touched by my hands inside the Orange Box, my hopes were high. Which of course led to them falling farther then I thought possible. |
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Burnout Paradise Review |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso 2008-02-10 As Burnout Paradise is indeed a racing game, one would expect a soundtrack worthy of whizzing through streets and smashing opponents into walls. Unfortunately, we are treated to the EA Trax massacre of good taste. The soundtrack contains such classics as "I Want to Rock" by Twisted Sister and "Paradise City" by Guns N' Roses (GET IT?!?!?!?!?!?) which do not fit the mood of this game at all. Also, Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" is on the soundtrack, but it's oddly set to never play unless you put it to do so; it's almost as if someone at Criterion games had the heart to keep EA from assailing our ears. |
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Medal of Honor: Airborne Review |
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Medal of Honor: Airborne Review by: Generalissimo Furioso 2008-02-10 AHOOOORAH, YOU LOUSY MAGGOTS! THIS GAME WAS TERRIBLE! AND I RAPED AND GUTTED ENTIRE VIETNAMESE VILLAGES, SO YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE I KNOW TERRIBLE WHEN I SEE IT! AHOORAH! THERE'S NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH INDISCRIMINATE KILLING TO MAKE THIS GAME ENJOYABLE OR REALISTIC! THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS AT EA FORGOT THE BEST PART OF WARFARE - THE MURDERING! |
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Devil May Cry 4 Review |
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by: Nightcrawler 2008-02-06 The reason that I don't see Devil May Cry 4 as a hack and slash is the fact that hack and slashes are button mashers - games where you do nothing but press the attack and jump buttons as you travel from one side of the screen to the other, ending with a boss fight in which all you have to do is hit said buttons over and over again. Devil May Cry and other games like it (Ninja Gaiden for instance) cannot be played successfully like this. |
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Dead Rising Review |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso 2008-02-03 In terms of gameplay, Dead Rising plays like a combination of old-school styled beat-em-ups and Koei's Dynasty (Samurai, Sengoku, Musou, etc) Warriors series. Just like Dynasty Warriors, you are given objectives throughout the map and you have to complete them before time expires. The only difference is that instead of wave after wave of generic loser troops, you have wave after wave of flesh-eating zombies (that and projectiles are actually useful in Dead Rising). |
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The Simpsons Game Review |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso 2008-01-30 Essentially, the game counteracts its simplicity with a zany sense of humor that few games can ever possibly claim to have (Psychonauts!!!!). Despite being a EA game, it's incredibly satirical of practically every "popular" game that EA publishes. All throughout the game you can see posters and billboards advertising games like Need for Speedo: Sexy Time (complete with Homer wearing the infamous swimsuit from Borat) and Maddening "insert year here" (Can anyone say PALETTE SWAPS?!?!?!). Hell, there's like three levels devoted to bashing EA and its various practices ("It's like a factory of mediocrity!"). |
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Team Fortress 2 Review |
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by: Nightcrawler 2008-01-12 Other games that follow the same pattern as TF2 (Star Wars: Battlefront) have a wide variety of maps with various environments and unique classes. TF2 has none of these elements. Despite the talk of creativity and complex team combat, it comes up dry in the area of lasting rewards as you eventually discover that all TF2 contains are glorified "defend here" and "capture the flag" games that, while fun at first, leave you yearning for something more after you play the game type on the same map for two weeks straight. |
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Mass Effect Review |
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by: Nightcrawler 2007-11-30 It's KOTOR in SPACE! |
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Call of Duty 4 Review |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso 2007-11-25 Unrelated Spider-Man Poem: Spider-Man is Cool |
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Halo 3 Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-11-04 As stated previously, Halo is something that can quite literally never die, as the swarms of ignorant fans and Microsoft would never allow it! So with the year 2007, Bungie's answer to a question that nobody asked is back with a terrible vengeance on the White Xbox, and it's shinier and explodier than ever! |
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E3 2007: Microsoft: Halo 3, Guys |
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E3 2007: Microsoft: Halo 3, Guys by: Soulless Microsoft Exec 504 and Deathkill-360 2007-07-19 Deathkill-360: FUCK THIS FAGGOT RPG, I HATE READING, BECAUSE READING IS FOR FAGGOTS! RPGS ARE DOUBLE FAGGOT FOR MAKING YOU READ! EVEN IF THEY DO HAVE BLACK HOLES THAT ONLY SUCK UP PEOPLE!!!! |
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Crackdown Review |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso 2007-03-21 |
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Microsoft's new strategy in Japan |
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Microsoft's new strategy in Japan by: Soulless Microsoft Exec 504 2007-01-06 The latest (but never the last, NEVER THE LAST) brilliant idea created solely by the Master/Creator/God, the cell phone brainwashing idea involves turning Japan into an army of servants and robots. Through various shell companies and shapeshifting entities, Microsoft will first monopolize the highly important cell phone market (Zune, in addition to being the center of the universe, also works as a very good cell phone). |
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Superman Returns: The Game Review |
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Superman Returns: The Game Review by: Generalissimo Furioso 2006-12-06 My favorite mission objective is..."SAVE THE CITY!" No FUCKING DUH! The side missions aren't much better either. Race Mr. Mxyzptlk around the city for extra costumes! Play as Bizarro with his Reversed Powers! (Freeze Vision, Heat Breath and Super Sucking... I'm not kidding he both sucks in the game and in the game!) |
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Gears of War Review |
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by: RoboCop and Superboy-Prime 2006-11-14 Now, the rest...the graphics look good, sure. But they goddamn well better considering this is a next gen game, and they'll be dated as all fuck in about 4 years. Remember when we all thought the first Half-Life or Metal Gear Solid 2 were the best looking games ever made? Take a look now and try saying the same thing. So I guess all we've got left is the shaky camera gimmick. Basically the camera shakes when you press the run button like you were in Saving Private Ryan. And that's literally all they've got. |
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Gears of War Review |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso and Deathkill-360 2006-11-14 Two years ago this game was just a blip under the radar, but the second that Bill Gates found out Halo 3 wasn't going to be ready by the time the PS3 came out, they decided to take a random game and make it seem like it was the best damn game in the entire fucking history of mankind! That game turned out be Gears of War, a game with graphics but no substance. Yeah, it looks nice, but so did that girl in the corner of the bar last night. And we all know where that ended up, right? RIGHT?! |
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Greg Hastings' Tournament Paintball |
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20 Things I Learned About Paintball from Greg Hastings' Tournament Paintball by: Dizz 2006-10-29 In the end, you will come to find that this game is about the equivalent to methamphetamines, insanely addictive, but brutal to your mind and body. Or you could compare it to addictive Libertarianism, since the poor and mentally disabled are one and the same in a Libertarian's book. |
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Prince of Persia 2 Review |
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by: Doom and Deathkill-360 2006-10-13 EXTREME! |
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Grabbed by the Ghoulies Review |
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Grabbed by the Ghoulies Review by: Deathkill-360 2006-09-27 Eventually you face EXPLODING SKELETONS and IMPLODING VAMPIRE FRANKENSTEIN WOLFMAN MUMMY ZOMBIES and HOMOSEXUAL MORMONS and you need to use SPECIAL NEW GUNS like the BLOOD GUN WHICH SHOOTS RADIOACTIVE EXPLOSIVE BLOOD, the NUCLEAR WARHEAD GUN, and the GUN GUN WHICH SHOOTS ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT GUNS to defeat those faggots! |
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Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines: The Game Review |
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Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines: The Game Review by: Doom and the Red Fox 2006-09-27 But at least it gives you the ability to play as Arnold T. Schwarzenegger, the second game ever to do so after Fuhrer Tycoon: Amerika Edition. I guess if you want to play as an Austrian Nazi cum movie star cum governor cum Supreme Leader, here's your game! |
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Saints Row Review |
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by: Generalissimo Furioso 2006-09-17 It's GTA3, WITH HATS! |
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The Reasons for the Fall of Humanity: #1 the Halo Franchise |
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The Reasons for the Fall of Humanity: #1 the Halo Franchise by: Generalissimo Furioso 2006-08-24 Secondly, it's engine's ability to create Machinema, has led to creation of Red Vs. Blue, honestly one of the least funny things to ever exist in Humanity's existence, HA HA HA, look at those super soldiers talk like 20 year old losers with nothing better to do than make horrible tasteless humor and commercials for EA's various sports videogames (none of which I enjoy either). |
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The Thing Review |
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by: Expendable Sony Executive #804 2006-08-06 I could pull a better game out of my ass if the creators at Sony elected to remove it at birth due to fears of anything resembling sexual intercourse. As such, let me modify my statement: if I had an ass, I could pull a better game out of it, better than The Thing. |
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Enter the Matrix Review |
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by: Doom 2006-08-01 To anyone who played this unfortunate mess of a game, I suggest therapy. "Enter the Matrix experiencers anonymous" has really helped me out with my constant bad jumping reality night terrors and my fear of warehouses and mail sorting buildings. |
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Raider Grudgematch: Battle of the Shitty Superhero Titles |
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Batman: Dark Tomorrow vs. Spawn: Armageddon by: Doom, The Red Fox and John Madden 2006-07-29 John Madden: "Sure, Dark Tomorrow may sport a full orchestra in certain plays, but not enough to make it count. Most of the time there's minimal sound and when there is, the voice acting is so repetitive you really gotta question Don Shula's handpicked audio coordinator here. And the visuals, the whole effort is just completely shodding. I haven't seen such a poor effort since Gilbert Brown performed a version of "The Full Monty" during half-time! Oh ho, I needed some tough actin' Tinactin then!" |
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The Xbox 360: A ripoff in sheep's clothing |
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The Xbox 360: A ripoff in sheep's clothing by: Expendable Sony Executive #524 2006-07-26 Halo 3 will definitely pale in comparison to the much superior Killzone 2, which will make Killzone the original look almost as bad as Halo 3 is going to be. Halo was a bunch of guys shooting at things, completely unoriginal unlike the highly innovative Killzone. Plus, can't Microsoft think of any unique ideas? All Xbox 360 has is sequels, sequels, sequels. Whereas the Sony Playstation 3 has on its slate several original games such as Metal Gear Solid 2 and Grand Theft Auto IV. |
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Drake of the 99 Dragons Review |
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Drake of the 99 Dragons Review by: Doom 2006-07-26 Determining the personality of Drake proves troublesome when one understands his want to be badass, but feels contradicted when in gameplay his arms resemble Olive Oyl's and he generally reminds me of the sunken, lifeless form of Keanu Reeves. Hey, if there's ever a Drake of the 99 Dragons movie...okay, maybe not, but Uwe Boll still could! And it's accurate to assume in 10 years Keanu Reeves will resemble, if not directly be, Christian Slater. |
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Pulse Racer Review |
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by: Doom 2006-07-19 Similar to Russia's stab at capitalism during the 90's, Pulse Racer smacks as an emulation of F-Zero or Wipeout, with deep flaws and unsatisfactory positives, leading to horrible depression. |
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Blood Wake Review |
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by: Doom and Ben Grimm When He Went Back In Time And Became Captain Blackbeard 2006-07-14 Some asshole reviewer described the game as Twisted Metal in water. I like to describe it as bass fishing, only harder and less fun. |
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True Crime: Streets of L.A. Review |
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True Crime: Streets of L.A. Review by: Doom 2006-07-10 YOU'RE OFF THE FORCE, GUNDERSON! |
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NARC Review |
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by: Doom 2006-06-30 The people who like this game must be the same people who think "the nigger [Rodney King] wasn't hit hard enough! Shoulda kicked the jigaboo some more!" If anyone wants to reenact the event that spawned many, many riots, in crappier resolution and to the beat of a shitty R&B soundtrack, NARC is the game. |
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Blinx Review |
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by: Doom 2006-06-25 Since Blinx desperately wants to become a successful franchise like Mario or Sonic or, shit, even Turok [I DID say desperate], theoretically Blinx the character should have some level of charisma instead of no level of charisma. No sense of personality, no witty one-liners thought up by interns at 1 AM on a Friday night, not even a grin or a smirk. He's the cat equivalent of Hal Jordan. Throughout the game Blinx just...exists. Indeed, Blinx spends the duration of his adventure with one bored, stupefied expression on his maw, and the huge turtleneck he wears makes him look special in a retarded way. Frankly, I'm disappointed. |
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State of Emergency Review |
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by: Doom 2006-06-10 Controversy! Yes, State of Emergency was published by Rockstar Games, and given the success and controversy of Grand Theft Auto III, it was expected that SoE was to be great but also controversial. It's controversial, yes, in the sense that the game advocates killing corporations and the police, but it's also a very shitty game. This is what cemented in my mind that Rockstar Games is nothing more than a publishing outfit out to whore itself out to the press. Every game has been more and more of an attempt to show how edgy they are with no concern as to whether or not the final product is something that can be designated 'playable'. If it gets the New York Times talking, who cares if it's fun or not? State of Emergency is so blatantly a poor attempt to be 'edgy' that it comes off more as comical and pathetic than offensive. |
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E3 2006: Microsoft: Mission Somethinglished |
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E3 2006: Microsoft: Mission Somethinglished by: Doom 2006-05-21 Microsoft's great hope is Halo 3 and its ability to somehow stave off Playstation 3 and the Nintendo Wii as well as greatly increase sales of the Xbox 360. I'm not going to say it's impossible, because Halo 2 was a huge piece of shit and it still sold 7 million copies, so Halo 3 very well could cure cancer and nuke Japan in one fell swoop. I just highly doubt that one game will save an entire system. Remember, it took two Halo games to save the Xbox. |
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Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects Review |
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Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects Review by: Doom 2006-05-14 OH FUCK NO |
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Fight Club: The Game Review |
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by: Doom 2006-05-04 Fighting gets boring halfway through the first fight as the realization dawns upon the player that "This is going to be the same fight over and over, again and again until I kill myself." |
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Red Dead Revolver Review |
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by: Doom 2006-04-05 The entire game goes downhill around chapter 4 or 5 when the geniusmakers at Rockstar decided "Why not include some clowns in this game? This game isn't shitty enough yet, so it definitely needs some clowns." Clowns are never good in video games. Have you EVER seen a good game that has featured a clown? Ever? No, I didn't think so. Spawn had clowns, Manhunt had clowns, nearly all the shitty Simpsons games had clowns. FOR GOD'S SAKE, KISS: PSYCHO CIRCUS INVOLVED CLOWNS! |
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Burnout Revenge Review |
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by: Nixon 2005-10-08 The music, on the other hand, had nothing nice about it. While the mute button may save me from my woes, the fact of the matter is EA does more to piss off the player with poor audio taste than, say, challenge on most levels. This game presents plenty of emo music with Fall Out Boy, a band synonymous with determining how angsty you are, on a scale of Linkin Park Rocks to JESUS CHRIST JUST KILL YOURSELF ALREADY. Also, on a note of personal disgust, EA included a very homosexual remix of a KMFDM song, but not the song itself. WHY MUST YOU TOY WITH ME EA?! |
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Timesplitters 3: Future Perfect Review |
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Timesplitters 3: Future Perfect Review by: Nixon 2005-07-21 Traveling through time isn’t just a story element however; it’s also the driving force behind Future Perfect’s shifting gameplay. Each time period has its own feel, ranging from zombie film, to stealth action, to Bond style massive firefight. The most notable way this is done is through guns. Each period (1920s-1960s-1990s-2020s-2300-2500) holds four or five unique guns allowing the player to be fully immersed in the fighting conventions of the period (similarly, none carry over). |
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Jade Empire Review |
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by: Nixon 2005-06-21 Jade Empire is best described as the next evolution of Knights of the Old Republic. Granted, the stories or settings of these two games are not intentionally related, being set in two entirely different universes, but the underline gameplay clearly shows that Bioware has been doing its homework. Jade Empire includes a smooth but complex fighting system, great dialogue and quests, fun mini-games, an effective interface, and polished graphics. |
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Brute Force Review |
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by: Nixon 2005-06-02 In all honesty, the amount of sci-fi stereotypes in the story literally hurt my ears; as each mission truly plays out by the dots in terms of ‘what’s the next most generic thing we could think up’. If it’s not the classic separatists from the ‘Confederacy’, or the mutants on the trash heap planet, it’s the psychic bastards on lava world, or Ewoks on tree top city. |
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Xbox 360 |
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by: Doom, Rammspieler and Nixon 2005-05-24 Now you're thinking "Jesus Christ, Perfect Dark Zero looks shitty. Did Rare shit on Microsoft's doorstep and say 'Here's our game, you yankee fuckers'?". But it gets better! Apparently the reason these look so horrid is that they're in alpha stages. In fact, even the console is in alpha stage. And it's supposed to be released in 8 months. Oh, those Microsoft cut-ups are at it again! |
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Xbox 360 Revealed on MTV |
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by: Doom, Nixon and the Red Fox 2005-05-15 The guys of "Pimp my Ride", well, half of them, decided to make the Xbox even more awesome than it was originally, which was pretty fucking awesome to begin with. The awesomeness is definitely increased when you add a killer badass extreme skull to your Xbox. |
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Star Wars Republic Commando Review |
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Star Wars Republic Commando Review by: Nixon 2005-04-04 While fun, Republic Commando places the player in a linear, watered down squad-based FPS, and while the fire fights can be intense, and the squad fairly intelligent, a general simplicity hampers the game. |
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NASCAR 2005: Chase for the Cup Review |
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NASCAR 2005: Chase for the Cup by: NASCAR 2004-12-31 I would recommend, for the die hard fan to get a gaming computer, pick up a steering wheel, and pay 9.99 for a copy of Nascar Racing 2003. Being two years old it still blows this game out of the water. |
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Serious Sam Review |
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by: Nixon 2004-11-24 To say that Serious Sam has a story may be an exaggeration. A series of bizarre jokes stapled together would better describe the plot of Serious Sam. |
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Bloodrayne 2 Review |
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by: Nixon 2004-10-30 When all else fails, steal from games that work better than your own. That idea not only stands as the mission statement of Microsoft, but also applies to Bloodrayne 2. |
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Halo 2 Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2004-10-28 The most anticipated sequel ever, in actuality, is not the return of Christ. It's Halo 2. Halo 2 has been hyped up by idiotic drivel sites such as Gamespy, IGN and Gamespot. But this site has, instead, been conflicted regarding the hype that is Halo 2. Everyone tried to enter this game without bias, and the results are still disappointing. Halo 2's bottom line, no matter what the fanboys say, is that it just ain't that great. |
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Halo 2 Impressions |
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by: Nixon, Doom, NASCAR, The Red Fox, vyralsurfer 2004-10-18 Locustpocalypse:I found it
illogical that all species in the future speak French, too. |
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Halo 2 Stolen |
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by: Nixon 2004-10-14 Who's more stupid? The guy who admits to pirating the game, or the guy who thinks everyone who pirates the game gets caught? |
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Motion Tracker =/= Gaydar | ||
by: Nixon and MS Halo Helper 2004-09-13 Motion tracker does not work like a compass. That's why instead of using directions like North and South, I will use things like 12 o clock, and 3 o clock. So you say, "but MS Halo Helper, what does time have to do with direction"? Why, that's a great question. Since both a wall clock and the motion tracker are circular, they both turn out working like clocks! |
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