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Myspace Loser of the Week: Week the Third: Juggalos Unite
by Doom and Nixon
Endangered species. You don't hear about a lot of them. Sure, there's the popular ones, but there's also the unnoticed ones, ones who may be endangered solely by neglect. One such unnoticed endangered creature is the fan of the rap/rock group the Insane Clown Posse. But after reading the Myspace page of one of the 'juggalos', as the creatures like to term themselves, they're endangered because they are simply too stupid to know how to mate.
http://www.myspace.com/eclipse_69_05
Let's start with the screen name. It has the year he graduated high school, or more likely received his GED, and has the number 69 in it. Oh, and goody, he lists his favorite car. I would have been lost without knowing he loves an Asian automobile that appeals to a very large portion of the youth demographic. As noted he is a Juggalo, which makes him the lowest tier of music fan, sub Phish, even. We didn't find him because of his love of ICP, as it is generally assumed that they are too stupid to even use Myspace. No, we found him because he is also a fan of American Dad, something which seems out of place considering his music choices.
See, things like American Dad, every car show on television, Boogeyman, and American Wedding are all far too sophisticated for a man who has evil clowns decorating his main page. Those choices are for a semi-lucid retard who masturbates to the 60 year old nurse who helps him take a shit every morning in the assisted living home, not an Insane Clown Posse fan. The only point where he reminds us where he falls on the IQ line is when he lists his favorite groups in paragraph form, in the groups section. He takes the excellent position of listing one real group then writing an entire paragraph of links about a group he wishes existed. That's nice. He also considers magazines books, which oddly is a step above the average Myspace user's "bokz r gayz" stance. Since we all know as Myspace usage increase literacy drops exponentially.
There's some nice stuff here. For starters his blog entries remind us why we don't need blogs or LiveJournals or those photobook things that are the shit for the elite college crowd instead of the serf swine that use Myspace. Most people don't have that much to say for phone conversations or meetings in person for that matter to have so much left over that they have to post shit on a bulletin board. Listen, he's a white guy who likes to street race (well, claim to street race) who is obsessed with cars and shit music. You see these guys everyday, they might just be collecting in your rain gutter right now. Do we need a website that helps them connect and grow in mass until they spill into the streets staring blankly at fence posts and wondering if they can turn them into bongs/NOS? No, we don't.
The last thing of note is his friends list. Clearly he must be the leader of the pack, because I am convinced it's all downhill from here. There's the girlfriend in the top right, who looks like someone who will die in a shelter for crack heads at 39, the dumb guy who thought he would be the first person on earth to make his user pic him flipping us off, Justin, who appears to have some kind of mental difficulty, the anorexic whore, and a second row of guys sure to die from alcohol poisoning/car wrecks.
Brandon's an excellent example of why less people need internet access, not more. In a world of limited bandwidth, there's no point to waste bandwidth so we can hear this guy's tales of Californian plight. Period.
View previous Livejournal Morons of the Week:
Week 1: Autistic Josh
Week 2: Lor the Whore