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Welcome to Myspace Loser of the Week!
by Nixon
The Crimson represents the collision of all that makes a great Myspace Loser of the Week, tastes that are not only bad but contradicting, whoring out to Hot Topic, criminally bad spelling, and my personal favorite, being an Australian. Yes, one must even consider that "The Crimson" (which sounds like a cross between a bad porn name and a band whose high point is high school dances) comes from the only former British colony to turn out worse than America, Sudan included. And while THE CRIMSON doesn't reflect the progressively more xenophobic/religious culture forming there (red state a go go) he does represent the piss poor counter culture that really doesn't counter much at all, besides the forces of good taste.
Speaking of taste, THE CRIMSON has all the greats when it comes to horrid tastes. Yes, American Dad makes his TV list, along with Zach Braff's holocaust Scrubs, and Stripperella, a show proving Stan Lee was suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's. While I've grown accustomed to people liking American Dad on Myspace, despite no one in real life admitting to touching that show with a 15-foot pole, I thought most people weren't even aware of Stripperella, for that matter liking it. Christ, it was bad by Spike TV standards, which is a weird statement considering Spike TV has no standards. Movies rank in the level of "Why even bother mentioning them as bad". Seriously, Scary Movie 4 and Matrix 3? That's just depressing.
Like most would be alternate people The Crimson exhibits a wide range of bad music tastes. While his internet taken poll proclaims "100%" metal, apparently we're working on a 500% scale, considering he has My Chemical Romance, Dashboard Confessionals, and The Used above, say, Black Sabbath. To further bolster his metal attitude he has Cake lyrics posted in full in his horribly designed side bar, because when I think metal, I think Cake. Okay, to be fair he his self-described emo/punk/goth but that's just a boiler plate so he can listen to overtly mainstream music and still claim to be hip. Yeah, My Chemical Romance is everywhere, but since I am emo, I still look original listening to it. There's also the obvious shit bands like Good Charlotte (this will be addressed later when I note he is bisexual) and Marilyn "I don't believe in the shit I sing" Manson. Better still is his misspelling of band names (Black Sabeth) and the fact that he only has one modern metal band on his list, for being the 100% metal head (Killswitch Engage).
The Crimson is also a classic Hot Topic whore if ever one walked the Earth. Evidence? Foamy. The "next" new hip thing that Hot Topic found and turned into every product under the sun. Of course, it was never comedy gold, or close, it was just something to augment the Family Guy adult diapers. There's nothing more to say about that, except, "THAT'S TOTALLY EDGY IN A UNSURPRISING, GENERIC WAY."
The Crimson's spelling is perhaps my favorite oddball bonus
in finding his profile. I've long postulated that exposure to Myspace
gradually destroys one's ability to write the English language, but
Crimson's relatively new profile proves that if you're Australian, you get
that kind of bad ability by birth. Here is a passage drawn at random from
his profile, "ilove jus lazing around lol im fun out going n random....
i like to drink 2 weeeeeee hahaha lol i dont do it much bt yeh ... atm i
currently jus dropped outaskewl n then going to tafe.. hopefully going to b
a piercer i dont know i think im to much of a pussy 2 do that lol oh and i
live in perth lol". Is this a joke? Does he intentionally fuck up this bad?
Or is this man dropping out of 6th grade? Clearly, he needs to stay in,
since he hasn't mastered the high knowledge concept of "a sentence". As in,
capital letter at the beginning, verb, noun, and some kind of punctuation at
the end.
A last place of very worthy mention is his Details box. This is where I decided The Crimson was some bullshit hipster guy versus just a straight loser. Evidence? Orientation: Bi, religion = Buddhist. Much like a female listing Bi would just be a sign of an FBI sting operation, a male listing Bi is an attempt to keep a "feminine" side in hopes of trapping girls with it, when he desperately can't get anything. It's a fairly simple equation, you = horny/lonely, you = realize women like gay guys, add the two concepts and, you = declare yourself bi in a last ditch attempt to have contact with female genitalia. I will give him a chance at being partially gay because he does like Good Charlotte, but that could just be inserted by him to establish a gay back story. Buddhist kind of punches up the bullshit hipster angle. Let's face it a guy who talks about getting drunk and "ohhhhhh yeeaaa ...... paris hilton... for teaching young girls how to open their legs.." (Under Heroes) is not a Buddhist. However, he does need to be "unique" and "edgy" in a generic way and...that's exactly where Buddhism falls.
On the bright side? Buddhists are anti-violent. Maybe it will tame his criminal origins.
WATCH OUT! IT'S THE CRIMSON!!!
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week:
Week 1: Autistic Josh
Week 2: Lor the Whore
Week 3: Juggalo Brandon
Week 4: Usagi Kou
Week 5: Stupid Wuss Man
Week 6: Jordan Powell
Week 7: Pat Lee
Week 8: Flora Bush
Week 9: FBI Sting Operation #524
Week 10: Cipriani
Week 11: Carlos Mangual