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The Great Myspace Crash of 2006
by Doom
Who would've thought a large site visited repeatedly by teenage girls and pedophiles would eventually crash under the heavy server load. Or who would've thought a popular site would ever get hacked by a bunch of Cossacks with nothing better to do than wreak havoc on the Internet to distract from the pathetic state of post-communist Eastern Europe (democracy on the march!). I did, but I didn't come prepared, so instead of a profile a loser's Myspace (which I should've finished in advance, but whatever), we will instead take you on a journey about the futility of caring about Myspace's crash. And document the hilarity in people upset about Myspace crashing. It may read like parody, but all of the following posts do exist on the Internet, I fucking swear to you.
The hysteria begins and ends on the famous message board, known by me as 'The Nexus of Stupidity'.
THOSE FUCKING MYSPACE FASCISTS! Myspace is no longer in my Top 8...for websites! To be fair, he's justified for being angry at apparent account deletion, as a Myspace forms a symbiotic bond with the user. Minus the Myspace, the user simply isn't aware of how many friends they have, how many positive comments they received about their latest haircut, or what important events are upcoming. The hours of time that went into the crafting of the perfect layout - gone!
Gasp, I might have to re-enter all of my interests and re-take all those surveys! I don't even remember what I put down that gave me the result of "Stewie" for "What Family Guy character are you?"!!! Will the horrors ever cease in my life?
I spent all this time getting friends on the Internet and they better fix it or else I'll lose my magical Internet friends, even though they're probably either drunks or pedophiles with lowered standards anyway! Oh, the tragedy of it all.
If you thought the hysteria on message boards around the horn looked incredibly retarded, check this search engine result for 'Myspace'.
2 million results for Myspace on the blog search engine Technorati! Hundreds of losers whining about their Myspace pages not showing up anymore! "Oh no, how shall I bait teenage girls now?!" "How shall I whore myself out on the world wide web now?!" "How shall I write a weekly column on idiotic Myspace pages now?!", it just goes on and on and on. Almost funnier are the people writing on their blogs for people to get over losing their Myspace pages. I love the irony of someone going on their blog and talking about a worthless Internet pedophile attracting service going belly up, and then posting about how people complaining about losing their Top 8 should get a life...while writing on a blog. Shit, man, at least I own a real website with real hosting and a real server and real forums, not some blogspot shit. The whole cycle is a veritable Mobius strip of loserdom.
What exactly caused the crash? Reasons vary, from hacking to server overload or database fuckups to a strange conspiracy involving the United States government taking down Myspace for security concerns and information gathering. Now that's a government conspiracy I could get behind! I bet it's hackers, because the Internet as a whole is plagued with my people hacking for no other reason than proving they can hack popular websites. A bit dorky yes, but a havoc creator nonetheless. However, sheer Myspace incompetence fits as a valid reasoning too, because Myspace is inherently incompetent. A database and/or hardware wouldn't be out of the question. Tom of Myspace says it's a database moving, but maybe he's not Tom at all, instead a Manchurian Candidate!!! No matter what, it's fuckin' hilarious.
Tips for people suffering from Myspace withdrawal:
1) Go outside. Going outside is an excellent idea, even if it's hot. It will force you to network with physical embodiments of people instead of bad layouts and pedo-friendly pictures. The sun, while at first proving to be a tough mistress, is your friend too. A friend who will stop you from contracting rickets and possibly scurvy. And if people follow my advice, then there are teenagers and loser 20-somethings wandering the streets, dazed and/or quietly sobbing.
2), specifically for pedophiles, use the tactics your pedophile forefathers used. I know the stigma increases with each passing year, but hanging out at a park or a McDonald's play area, or even Chuck E. Cheese can pay off much faster than an Internet pedophile wooing. Plus, with the Internet people there's a large chance the little girl you may be speaking to is actually an FBI sting operation. At a playground, those kids are all kids. The mall functions just as well for pedos interested in old but not too old children, say, ages 13-16, whereas the playgrounds tend to favor 3-10. I don't have the time to go into strategy in-depth, but using a child actor to pretend to be your child so the other parents don't go, "Hey, that sicko doesn't have a kid here! Get 'em!"
3) Quit Myspace. Even if it does come back, learn to quit the social networking designer drug. If you check your page more than once a day (and even that's a bit too much), you have a problem and it must be fixed immediately. Learn how to socially interaction in real life settings, or start a heavy stint of alcoholism. You'll be inebriated constantly, make stupid comments regularly, and do many embarrassing things. It's just like Myspace only more fun!
If the hilarious Myspace death persists, expect this weekly feature to morph into either "Friendster Idiot of the Week", "Blog Fuckhead of the Week", or perhaps even "OkCupid Sucker of the Week". Here's hoping, because even we need a change now and then. And here's also hoping all the accounts are deleted, as that'll explode the head of every My Chemical Romance and Dane Cook fan ever. It saves me the trouble of having to start a killing spree.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week:
Week 1: Autistic Josh
Week 2: Lor the Whore
Week 3: Juggalo Brandon
Week 4: Usagi Kou
Week 5: Stupid Wuss Man
Week 6: Jordan Powell
Week 7: Pat Lee
Week 8: Flora Bush
Week 9: FBI Sting Operation #524
Week 10: Cipriani
Week 11: Carlos Mangual
Week 12: The Crimson
Week 13: Billy Boy
Week 14: Ashleigh
Week 15: Lucky Charms McHomosexual
Week 16: Abby the Age Liar
Week 17: Insane Clown Nazi
Week 18: Harlem Prophet