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Steve Niles' Stupid Motherfucker of the Week
I know, I know, Steve Niles isn't doing these anymore, but the lease on the name doesn't end until next week so we might as well put it to good use. Excuse me for a moment while I look through the official Myspace Loser of the Week rolodex, in order to better choose the next 'winner' of our prestigious weekly award. Hm...no, too gay...no, too ugly...no, too Cobra...ah, perfect! I found the perfect winner for this week, a man who symbolizes the trouble our nation currently faces, the threat to every patriotic America's way of life and if we don't stop him and people of his ilk we'll all be speaking French. I'm of course talking about Disgruntled Joy, who's so joyous he's no longer even gruntled, and his stupid face painted face. A real threat to America to be sure.
Take a look at his face if you can even call it that. Clearly we're dealing with a juggalo. Right? No. I saw no evidence of juggaloness. Which may be disappointing at first, but when you think about it it's even MORE hilarious. How so, you ask? See, juggalos have a reason for wearing stupid clown makeup. A stupid fucking reason, but a reason nonetheless. Unless this guy lives a secret life as a gothic gay rodeo clown, he has no reason for wearing clown facepaint except for the 'lack of brain stem' 'excuse'. And the Georgia excuse, since I noted he's from the fine state of Georgia. I mean fine in a sarcastic way, as it is a shithole in every sense of the term. The background of his profile says to me that he's a retard interested in Satanic art or at least devilish-looking crap, and his face is his retarded way to show his faith of Satan. What else could possibly explain the background which looks like an acid trip I once had? Nothing other than retardation or faith (a synonym for retardation, not surprisingly. In fact, the Chinese's word for faith is also their word for retardation. Faitardation.).
The interests are about what one expects from a guy with the stupid audacity to clad himself in black/white face. Bad horror movies, lots of music genres ending in 'core' or beginning in 'death', and no book interests to speak of. The only surprise I saw in there was his interest in the Smashing Pumpkins. Why would a dark hardcore member of THE DARK CARNIVAL like the Smashing Pumpkins, or more importantly the singer/songwriter abilities of one Billiam T. Corgan? The guitarings of James "40's Japanese Supervillain" Iha? D'Arcy the Untalented Wench? My guess is he used to be a normal looking guy but then a group of crooks convinced him to wear the Red Hood and ripoff a chemical plant...and eventually it led to the rebirth of him as THE HUMAN JOKE!
He writes in his blog too, another warning sign of idiocy!
Uh oh, Dad's Minutemen brigade is shipping out to Qatar to kick the asses of some foreigners on their own foreign soil. First of all, who the Hell serves in Qatar. The place is smaller than New York City, less Jewish, and is notable only in how it plays both sides - aids in Hurricane Katrina disaster relief AND supports Hamas. I could be the entire peacekeeping force in Qatar. Second of all, the irony he cites isn't very ironic at all! STOP MISINTERPRETING NON-IRONIC THINGS AS IRONIC THINGS, YOU FUCKING REDNECK JACKASS.
Hm...I'm gonna go ahead and say no. If this doesn't prove his stupidity, I don't know what will!
Oh, great, he's an amateur musician too. We don't have enough untalented fucks in our society, why not add another to the melting pot of lackwitism! I bet this guy has this really great band. They're a cover band right now but they'll totally start doing their own songs soon. A mix of Slayer and Iron Maiden with Metallica's drumming. They'll get really popular on the local college radio station, but then, like, the bassist will get a job and money so he won't have time to hang out in the drummer's basement and jam. And then Clown Boy here start working at McDonald's and then they'll all start to drift apart. But the demo tape totally rocked, dude. Gnarly, even. Everyone will remember "Killing The Devil's Aborted Fetus Baby Cannibal Bloodsplosion" and the somber ballad "I'll Kill Your Dad For Me".
Now I'd like to reflect on what we learned about the youth of today. One, most of them are freaks or at least act like freaks. Clown Boy in particularly scares me because I feel he might break into my house and sing the chorus from Slayers "Raining Blood" at any time, complete with banjo accompaniment from his buddy in Georgia, Billy-Bob Three Eyes. Two, freaks tend to create freak Myspace pages. Three, as evidenced by his friends, he lies about who he befriends, as no way does this guy actually know real women with photographical evidence of themselves being women (yes, that includes period pictures!). And fourth, these people really shouldn't have any online presence. It only ends in them being mocked as shown by right now! Here's hoping some dumbass hunter/governor in Georgia mistakes him for a deer and shoots him, then roadkilling him and serving him for dinner for the hunter/governor's family of 35 children. Then justice will be served (JUST LIKE HIS BODY IS SERVED FOR DINNER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: