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Myspace Loser of the Week #28: Or Why I Chose to Leave Behind My Otaku Phase
By: Doom and Rammspieler
Some of the staff are quite familiar with a period in my life that when I look back at it, I both regret being the person that I was during that period and I am glad I have outgrown it. I was once a fucking otaku, boys and girls! For those of you that know who these misguided souls are, then you know what a nuisance they are to normal human beings. For those of you who don't know what an otaku is, well I'll explain it later on. Once upon a time, I too would go around dressed in gaudy anime themed clothes and speak in faux Japanese to any passerby, not caring for the looks of concern for their safety that I would receive and their complete apathy. It was a shameful period in my life and while it is hard at first to admit it, I think that the only way to both initiate the healing process and to help those who were just like me, I must speak out against the evils of anime otakuism based on my own experiences and my observations from life after being a fucking otaku. That is why I hope that when I inform this week's loser about his utter mental retardation, he will see the error of his ways and strive to overcome the this horrible stage in his life. He pretends to be happy about it, but I know that deep inside, he is suffering. So without further ado, we present to you, "Ubermaxi" or as we will now know him as, "Fagnime".
"AHHHH! MY EYES!" was exactly my reaction when I saw this so-called 'Myspace page'. Right off the bat you envision a guy whose left hand is in his pants, fiddling around with his dick to promote sexual self-stimulation, the other hand in a bag of Doritos, desperately groping the inside of the bag for the last pointy little chip. And boy, after reading some of his page, there's no way he can't be Jerky McDorito. World of Warcraft for starters. World of Warcraft, or WoW for the bigger losers, represents the lack of lives people have, especially this guy. Night Elf Warrior? Level 60? No one owns a Night Elf at Level 60 AND regularly engages in human contact at the same time. It's one or the other and Fagnime chose the former. His picture amuses me; I love him putting a picture on his Myspace of his normal position in life, sitting on a couch, looking like a fucking idiot, probably masturbating to a picture of a 7 year old in a Sailor Moon costume. Way to rake in the ladies, Casanova.
Points that I must clear up for the uninitiated. Fagnime here says that "otaku" means "anime or manga fan" in Japanese. That is what all American otaku think and why the Japanese just roll their eyes and/or shudder whenever they hear American otaku say it out loud with pride. You see, American otaku like to think it is the meaning of the word, but because it's a forgone conclusion that despite what these creatures from mom's basement like to say, they don't know jack shit about Japan. Otaku, to the Japanese means "a creepy nerdy guy who still lives with his parents, has no prospects in life and likes to masturbate to pedophilic hentai manga books involving tentacle rape and large breasted 13 year olds and is somebody who should be registered on a sex offender list because like hell do I want my kids within a 100 feet radius of an otaku!" Yes, that is what the meaning of otaku really means to the Japanese. Should one of these American otaku ever actually fulfill their dream of going to Japan and living their, it will be a hard life, what with the Japanese's culturally enforced xenophobia and the restraining order against them!
Besides his declaration of voluntary mental instability, we see that like most otaku, his tastes are pretty much hit and miss. I'll give him credit for being a Clerks, Akira and Spaceballs fan. But when he mentions a liking for such cinematic classics like Napoleon Dynamite, X3 and a Will Ferrell comedy, we know that there is no turning back, people. Fun fact: The only time you will see a purportedly straight American male admit to liking pop music is when he says that he likes J-Pop, "Because it's like, totally in Japanese and therefore it is cool!" Never mind listing J-Rock. The only time J-Rock was ever accpetable was when Buck Tick joined Raymond Watts and Sascha Konietzko to form the short lived KMFDM side-project, Schwein. Liking J-Rock for any other reason brings up questions about one's sexuality. He also hates to read, because I doubt that game magazines and manga are considered normal literature.
You know who he's really going to end up meeting, every single night, for the rest of his natural life? His hand. He and his hand will jerk the night away every night and every day for all of eternity or whenever his Pop Tarts singes the roof of his mouth and kills him. I now suggest we start an incarnation of one of our famed operations, Operation: Trojan Trojan Horse. Step one, pretend to be a girl and woo this freak of a man. Step two, ask for a phone conversation, give him a phone number. Step three, he calls, a gruff sounding Rammspieler answers. Step four, "[girl's name]?", he asks. "I will be once I get enough money," responds Rammspieler. SOLID FUCKING YEARS OF THERAPY GOLD. Maybe then he'll go out and get a real job, or become catatonic. Either one's good cause both result in him no longer maintaining this mockery of a bandwidth waster.
Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. I take everything back. Wait, no I don't, I increase everything I said before 10 fold. This guy brings new meaning to the word 'loser'. In fact, right now I'm petitioning Oxford to include his picture in the new printing of the Oxford Dictionary. Look, I understand, though I still question your sanity and sexuality if you take pictures such as these for private use, such as in frames on your mantle or condensed framegrabs on your business card of "Fagnime, Loser for Hire, open for business all hours except during Inuyasha reruns". But to take retarded pictures and then upload them for public consumption? I don't understand it, and like all Pilgrims, I hate what I don't understand! BURN THE WITCH! BURN HIM OR AT LEAST DROWN HIM! Seriously, dressing like fucking Naruto doesn't make you cool, it just gives more joke fodder for the guys who beat you up for lunch money. In fact, I kinda want to give this kid a swirly between 3rd and 4th period now. Especially for the Spider-Man picture. Nigga, you aren't even Ben Reilly OR any of the Slingers. Or Mangaverse Spider-Man. MAYBE Chapter One Spider-Man. But not any of the good Spider-Mans.
Wow, what a loser. Time for predictions by way of betting odds!
1:1: He dies alone
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: