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Myspace Loser of the Week #33: WARNING SPOILERS!
by Doom and Rammspieler
My, what a frightful Halloween experience that was! What showed up on the eve of the 31st, ladies and gentleman, was a look into two years ago, when this site was a very different place than what it is now. A site that didn't have the stringent quality control and professional staff it has now. A SITE WITHOUT RAMMSPIELER sums it up quite well. As some of our more loyal and older readers know, back when the site began, it started out with two douchebags amongst the staff who have helped shape our hatred for douchebags, the Right and everything else this site is dedicated to ousting and despising. We already did a Myspace Loser on one of them several months ago and well, let's just say that we didn't do a Myspace Loser on douchebag number two because douchebag number one was threatening to take us to court or something. It was hilarious because Cipriani had his dad call Nixon to tell us this. But here we are, with douchebag number two. The man who was solely responsible with creating what is perhaps the Daily Raider's longest running inside gag. Besides giving us all ample warning about spoilers, he is perhaps best known for throwing fits and questioning one staff member's sexuality when said staff member flat out refused to subscribe to Xbox Live and for writing the Raider's first political article which turned out to be unintentionally funny due to its high "give Bush a blowjob" factor. I would say more, but this was all before my time. So without further ado, we present to you, Cobra!
If there is anything that can really describe Cobra, closet homosexual lover of Cipriani and Rush Limbaugh in the making, then look no further than his Myspace profile. I think the heading "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." says it all, people. That and his confession of how much he loves burgers, Taco Bell, Reese's and perhaps deep fried Cherry Pepsi if he can devise a way to actually deep fry liquids like he does his peanut butter cups. I should also warn any potential visitors to his profile about his music player playing Nickelback. NICKELBACK! The crackeriest music known to mankind. At least he has the balls to admit that he is in fact an unemployed loser who spends most of his time eating, hanging out with his friends and later on eating them out (and later eating them).
Cobra has all the required markings and attributes of a true suburban redneck cracker. Redneck crackers who have the luxury of living miles away from black people indulge in tricked out expensive-for-no-Goddamn-reason cars (his favorite is the Volkswagen...I bet his ashtray is made of Jewish bones), white whine rock, testosterone fueled homoerotic action pictures of the 80's and 90's (anything involving Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone), love of contributing to the country's obesity problem, and fearful reactionary social conservative views. Wearing the tie and dress shirt for a Myspace photo (which requires either nakedness or drunkenness, according to the TOS) suggests Young Republicanness, another quality retards in the sticks tend to have. The typical lifestyle of a cracker indicates that Cobra will at some point in time (after his wife/partner leaves him) put a gun in his mouth, pull the trigger and fail to kill himself because he can't fire a gun correctly. It finally ends in Cobra passing out during his failed attempt to cut through his blubber to reach his veins. Mean, yes. Inaccurate, no.
The graduating KKK class of 2006.
His friends likewise display varying degrees of 'pampered suburban white kid who cannot handle existence outside of mom and dad's little bubble'. Anyone who, for their Myspace default photo, a) dresses in their graduation gown, b) stands in front of a car, or c) takes a picture of themselves with two other people is categorically a cracker with a great possibility of becoming the next "Whore found dead in ditch; no one cares". Oh, and wearing sunglasses is cool only when you don't resemble a gay prostitute from the future while wearing them. It is obvious why these 'people' associate willingly with Cobra; they seek to look better by comparison simply through standing in his proximity. People will say, "Christ, what a load of lard uselessness" while not mentioning the person in periphery! It's a slam dunk for idiots slightly better than Cobra (aka his 'friends').
Guess who didn't fuck anyone. C'mon, guess.
Throughout the profile, Cobra professes his manly, manly love for current Governor of California, Arnold "88" Schwarzenegger. In the 1990's this would be perfectly acceptable, Arnold was a huge action star then. Now? It comes off as more than a little gay, and not in the joyous way. Molesting Nazi-sympathizing future dictators in the making do go out of style at some point and Cobra feels several years out of date tooting the Governator horn (while Arnold forcibly rapes an intern). Often Cobra pointed to the man as the closest personification of his political ideology, which speaks to the low standards he exhibits for his. Arnold based his Republicanism on viewing a 1968 televised debate that never happened. This means Arnold, as a young man, watched an episode of The Flintstones and an English-speaking friend convinced him that Fred/Richard Nixon was making a lot of really good points on the need for fiscal conservatism. I wonder if Cobra too underwent a political awakening after seeing a badly translated Dutch copy of True Lies. I am, once again, scared for the country's future.
The tragic and hilarious irony of all white supremacists is their invariable nature of being a poor example for the upsides of the white race. And out of every pudgy, squinty, ignorant White Nationalist I've uncovered over the course of my fake journalistic career, Cobra not only takes the cake, he devours the cake whole, leaving his face covered in frosting and sprinkles. When I picture the idea of the superior white man, I expect a strong, smart and attractive man capable of punching through tanks and breaking steel with his cock (apparently my conception of the Ubermensch is Steve Niles). Contrast this Nietzschian blonde beast with the weak, Schwarzenegger-loving flabby ass of Dan T. Cobra. A no-brainer, right? This guy is a shitty white man. Frankly, if this is the caliber of Nazis we put out today, we deserve to lose the race war.
I have seen the face of death.
What else to say of our good 'friend'? Not much. His Myspace page encapsulates all the flaws inherent with his person. One hopes someday a massive coronary sets him on the right path; namely, the path of not shoving anything non-living into his mouth. One also hopes someday he learns the folly of his political beliefs and does the right thing by joining the Log Cabin Republicans or dilute his influence completely through joining the Libertarian Party (irrelevant since its founding!). Not great life choices, but certainly better than the nothing he's done with his joke of a life so far.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: