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Myspace Loser of the Week #35: [Insert witty title here]
By: Doom and Rammspieler
special guest appearance by Chuck Austen
I think that we can all relate to the following situation. You're walking around campus or wherever, minding your own business, when your eye catches the site of a small group of rather well dressed (for what would otherwise be a rather mundane place) group of attractive young women. You know the type. The ones that are always decked out in designer clothes and an expensive late-model cell phone in hand (complete with integrated camera and the latest Paris Hilton ring tones), a look on her face that let's you know that she would rather put her overly expensive manicured hands through demeaning manual tasks such as doing her own hair than to be caught dead near your general vicinity. She has the look of an amateur or small time model because she's too short and no matter how many times she tries to puke our her own guts, she's always a few ounces too fat to go pro. She tries to be all "worldly" and "intellectual" by dabbling with the indie crowd of hipster fucks, but she doesn't want to cry with them because it would ruin her perfect makeup and she still has major ties to the cryptofacsiofascistic lifestyle of the sheep as emo fucks like to call normal people. But you do admit to yourself that she is fuckable material, but then the eternal dilemma arises. Would you willingly stick your penis into a girl who by all outward appearances is screaming to be fucked, but you would feel dirty afterwards because her type makes you go into boredom induced coma when she opens her mouth and starts babbling about things like how she gets all her fashion tips from her gay male friends or how she enjoys taking black and white pictures of toilets because it's somehow artistic? Yes, I knew that you all have passed through that same situation. In fact, I go through with it every fucking single day when I go to class and see the campus full of the pretentious bitches riding around in their SUV's and talking about the party in the trendy and upscale bar, where she and all the pretentious fucks go to piss the night away drinking alcoholic beverages so diluted thanks to all the juices and soda they put into it that it's more like Capri Sun than Vodka and $2 shots of Tequila. Yes, they give you wood, but fuck do they have to be so annoying? Well, that's what we will try to find out with this weeks Myspace Loser, as we try to figure out just what is it that makes Lindy tick.
Boys and girls, meet Lindy. The vaguely Hispanic looking, super impatient and voyeuristic pretentious fuck and possible extra from The OC. I wish I could comment more about this particular section of her profile, but one thing we do know about Lindy, like all women, is that she has a big as fuck ego, as can be ascertained by the lack of any real details on her profile and her filling it up with pictures of herself. Attention whore alert!
Finally, we have some interests! Maybe we can figure out if she's some sort of joke being played upon humanity by a cruel God. Apparently, God does hate humanity. We have here all the overclichéd traits of an indie fuck, while at the same time having traits of a pretentious OC bitch. Painting and vodka drinking? Photography combined with a love for rich people food like Thai cuisine? Inane indie bullshit like "all the pepitos of the world" (to be honest it could be a name for a made up band of talentless hacks that haven't been discovered by Pitchfork yet.) and cheese tasting? I wonder how she manages to please both crowds without pissing off the indie losers with her mainstreamness and not pissing off her rich pals with her musings on photography and how we are like, all children in side, maaaaannnnnnnn! An interesting mix of snobby aristocracy with the prissy hipsterism of disaffected youth. And the mix distills itself into...idiocy.
Fuckable? Yes. Talk nerdy to her? She would just fall asleep and fucking sleeping girls ain't no fun. What else to say? Hm. I know! Let's ask Chuck Austen what his opinions are on the subject of fucking girls while they're asleep!
Uh, thanks, guys. I'd just like to say, as a rule, I do not fuck girls who are asleep when I intend to fuck them, and I'll explain why. As noted before, it's no fun. Part of the fun is hearing them moan and cry and scream, "No, stop! Stop, please! Please stop!" Another aspect comes from the poor level of response from someone in the higher forms of sleep. In REM sleep, the body never recognizes the act of fucking, and in NREM they wake up way too easily and that leads to a lot of 'sexual assault' and 'rape' charges being thrown my way. Trust me, sex offending is not particularly enjoyable nor fun. Before I became the critically acclaimed writer/creator of Tripping the Rift, women often considered me a nerd and never gave me the time of day. Prostitutes do the job fine, but there's always the sense of detachment there, and my student loan payments won't pay themselves if I'm giving all my money to sex. My advice is to drug them and keep them in a semi-awake state enough for them to fuck but enough for them to remember what's going on. Plus, you never have to give her money for date rape! Win-win in my mind.
Sensory overload. A good rule of thumb is never trust someone who has more pictures than words on their Myspace page. Pictures do roughly equal 1000 words, yet they give the sensation of shallowness and an inability to come up with more than monosyllabic words. Right now I'm torn between masturbating to these pictures and criticizing them. In lieu of doing both and totally grossing everyone out, I'll do the latter instead of the former. These pictures display a woman with a group of similarly shallow cunts, and a woman kissing what I think is a man. I'm really not sure. Additionally, I'd like to mention her call for the camera thief to return her camera. What whoredom. The statement implies people steal her things just to get material of her to jerk off to. Yes, very plausible. Just like someone made off with my hard drive so they could read "Fuck Supporting the Troops".
1152 friends? Shit, this here is the opiate of the masses now. Myspace friending. Fuck religion, Myspace friending is the new dressed up cult appealing to society's rejected and unloved. The stalking service tends to skew whores so to see them populating a friends list is not entirely unexpected, but this highly concentrated amount of whores is quite unexpected. Whores to the right of me, whores to the left of me! Okay, to be fair, some don't fit in the airtight definition of 'whore'. Some are better described as sluts, gigolos or transvestites (look at Miss Kristin and Cupcake for examples of obvious trannies). Bill O'Reilly once said a man is judged by the caliber of his friends. If we listen to Billy for once, then Lindy is Pinochet.
Then again, she wouldn't let you fuck her. She is taken by her stereotypically gay-looking boyfriend. Oh, he's gay. He may say he's not, but he's going to turn to the dick side within...3 years, if not less. It gives me a little more sympathy for the girl, since despite her delusions of adequacy, she's really a beard for a far in the closet gay man. Heartbreak is never nice for anyone, especially for women dating obviously gay men. In conclusion, I think Mark Twain put it best when he said, "Bitches, man. Bitches." Or maybe it was Snoop Dogg. Anyway, this transcendentalist statement with a Southern twang to it summarizes Lindy completely. Myspace is not exactly the best avenue to judge character with, but someone this shallow and pointless is deserving of scorn.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: