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Myspace Loser of the Week: Rammspieler's Sister's Creepy, Nerdy Cyber-Ex
by Rammspieler
Oh, fuck you!
It certainly is nice to be back on the site! What with the failed April Fool's gag and and Doom's insistence on keeping the gag running, despite being A DRUNKARD WHO KILLED MY FATHER WHOM WILL EVENTUALLY PAY FOR HIS CRIMES! I was starting to get all antsy and so wanted to release the misogynist bastard in me. Two fucking long weeks and here we are, ladies and gents. A Myspace Loser of the Week that will either have Scarecrow praising me or making him want to quit the site in disgust because we have, over the past two years, been losing the avant garde edge that appeals to his literary faginess. Why? Because, despite making solemn promises to try and not turn our work into petty personal revenge pieces, this is the closest thing I have ever written for personal revenge and yet not only do I not know the Loser first hand, but I don't really give a fuck about him being a creepy online stalker because, quite frankly, it is hilarious. And yet that is why I decided to go along with this one. Because we can never have enough stalkers to profile on The Daily Raider and because I told my sister that should she ever "leave" this guy, to let me profile him on the basis of being a dumbass. Boys and girls, I present to you...Marlon!
Click here for ongoing unintentional comedy!
Oh look, it's Stupidfuck Claus in April! This, folks, is Marlon. I still don't know the details as to how he found my sister on Myspace, but I can tell you what I know of the story. Apparently, Marlon here is some virginal nerd in his mid-30s who found my sister's profile and immediately added her because she was apparently the hottest chick he has ever seen that openly admits to being into Star Trek. For the record, my sister is not a person who takes an active pursuit of geeky shit, but since most of my DVD collection is geeky shit, she watched the entirety of my Star Trek movies and instantly learned how to do the Vulcan greeting. However, she still thinks most of the shit I'm into is boring and 'gay'. Anyway, after what seemed like a mere week of friending her, he asked her if she would like to be his 'girlfriend'. Now my sister also happens to like to flirt around with guys for shits and giggles, whether they are aware of it or not. So being the charitable yet cruel soul that she is, she said 'sure'. From then on it was non-stop pestering and manifestations of stalker tendencies right from the get go. His main complaints were that she flirted around too much with her guy friends on their comment pages, including YOURS FUCKING TRULY! I'm not making this shit up, people. The guy is truly a soul in need. But I think a secondhand account of what really happened is sorely needed. Therefore, I present the following transcript of an interview I had with my sister's best guy friend (and my campaign manager), Jorge, on what he had to say about Marlon. The transcript has been translated for the convenience of the non-spics out there.
1. How was it that you found out about Marlon's apparent personhood?
The first time I ever heard about Marlon was when I went to leave a comment on your sister's profile. I noted that there were several comments from him, all written in a rather effeminate and infantile language.
2. Do you think that Marlon is a fruit?
Sure I do. A little after I found out about him, he started sending me various messages asking me to friend him when I never even spoke to him. A few days latter, the victim (your sister) told me that he would always be keeping an eye on the comments we always left each other and then later on bring them up as a means of extortion. Besides that, he would always complain to her about our friendship. Besides being paranoid, he seemed to have a persecution complex as well as just being plain creepy. All the more that makes me think that the man has obvious mental problems, especially on his insistence in giving his dog human characteristics as well as on wearing pink and clothes that would normally look good on women.
3. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest score, how much of a 30-year Old Virgin loser do you think Marlon has to be to go looking for love on Myspace?
Wow, I think he's an 11! In the film The 40-Year Old Virgin, the main character does not use the Internet as his principal means of trying to get laid. On the other hand, Marlon does and he doesn't even try to get laid by real world means. In fact, he seems to be quite happy with having a virtual relationship. He equates having a cyber relationship with having a real life one, not wanting to get to know your sister in person nor wanting to find women within his own zip code.
4. What would you tell Marlon if he was in front of you at this moment?
Really? "Go get some help before you become another Cho and you end up killing innocents. If you don't want to or don't know how to relate with people in real life, then go rape a dog or something."
Once again, my sister's best friend, Jorge, ladies and gentleman!
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S THAT FUCKING UGLY DOG OF HIS PHOTOSHOPPED INTO A SUPERMAN COSTUME! And I thought that people who posted photomanips of cats were fucking insane. But that's not the reason why I'm showing you this screencap. It's basically a summary of his life and his goals in life, except for the part where he expresses his desire to show his love to the women on his MSN friendlist by sending pics of his naked ass and perhaps even cybering in all of his deformed glory (the guy has some deformities). My sister got saved from the webcam show part by partially lying about not having a webcam. Of course she has one, Marlon; she just can't use it on her Mac! And, dude, I think the world has no need to see your ass. But look at the final part of the screencap. Of course, the whole thing was too fucking long so I had to merge the top and bottom half together, but your eyes do not deceive you. WE ARE ALL SUPERMEN INSIDE. SIMPLE ESCAPIST FANTASY FROM THE 30S IS ACTUALLY A MORAL ETHIC TO LIVE BY! Yes, you certainly are drawing a smile on my face, Marlon. One from uncontrollable laughter at your childish naivete.
Top half, from left to right: Repressed desire to be Nicolas Cage, trying to look cool and trendy and failing miserably, yet another horrible photoshop that sullies the very concept of Superman (it's Superman, Marlon, not Supertard), some mildly attractive and perhaps underage Latina prostitute who goes out with him because, much like the chicks that hang out with JDPLVY, his father is paying the whore to hang out with him (or she does so out of pity).
Bottom half: Same Mexican prostitute but in a car after the handjob, my sister, him looking really gay (I think the hat even has pink triangles), some white chick he stalks on Myspace.
What deeper expression of love can there be than a cheesy photoshop of a pic from my sister's profile! Actually, I'm showing this pic to see if I can auction her off for the night and make enough money so I can make it to Raidercon this summer over at Daily Raider world HQ in Doom's basement. The bidding starts at $100. Do I hear $150? $250? C'mon Marlon, I know I'm thrashing you here, buddy, but I really need the money! Anybody want to put up $1000?
Text from an actual email he sent my sister regarding finding a new love with a functional webcam:
"hi annie
sorry if i am bothering you i only wanted to say goodbye. i hope your okay
and are doing well just because we are no longer even friends doesn't mean i
hope things go bad for you, not at all. i hope the chicks are bigger and
healthy and i hope your doing good too :)
as for me, don't laugh but i have another cyber girlfriend lol!!! but we are
doing great and yes i do trust her and she's here every night with me and we
even see each other on webcam so that's cool. it wasn't my idea to be gf bf
but she fell in love with me and asked me to be her boyfriend- yes, that's
right she asked me, wierd huh? why do i attract girls that act like guys
hahahahaha!!! do i have lipstick on my face or something and look like a
woman or what?
but seriously we are very happy and am going to go see her when she returns
from mexico. she is studying right now and is getting her bachelor's and
even wants to get her masters, it's funny because she reminds me of you, she
has the prettiest eyes, she's real smart and also wants her masters, and
well you probably could care less huh- sorry ok
i wish it could've worked for us but we had too many things against us and
the most important thing you didn't wish to move to live with me, my novia
lives in new jersey and returns in august, she is studying in mexico because
as you know, education is cheaper there to pay for and she's from there so
it was easy decision :) but she is dying to get back just to meet me as am i
just look at one of her daily emails she sends me and she writes this way
every single day and talks this same way on messenger:
AMOR CIELO HERMOSO YA REGRESE DE EL REZO ME DOLIO DEJARTE BEBE PERO LE HABIA
DICHO A MI ABUE QUE HIBA A IR CON ELLA Y PUES NO LE PODIA FALLAR.
MI CIELO HERMOSO COMO TE AMO ERES UN NINO HERMOSO QUE AMO CON TODO MI
CORAZON, Y AL QUE LE QUIERO DEDICAR MI VIDA ENTERA PARA HACERTE MUY FELIZ Y
PARA TENER A GABRIEL ALBERTO Y A ALANA AMELI, JAJAJAJA ;-) Y TAMBIEN PARA
CONTARTE MUCHOS CUENTOS DE HADAS POR LAS NOCHES : ) Y PARA QUE JUNTOS
LEAMOS MUCHOS LIBROS Y EN FIN HAGAMOS MUCHAS COSAS JUNTOS.
ERES MI COMPLEMENTO, MI OTRA MITAD, MI ALMA GEMELA, EN FIN ERES TODO MI
MUNDO.
TE AMA TU NOVIA PRECIOSA QUE SIEMPRE PIENSA EN TI.
see how sweet she is, it's adorable and she laughs easily like you too
hahaha but well, i wanted you to see am ok and found someone i trust and
love, and just wish you the best in life too :)
take care annie, i do miss you and i am sorry i got stupid and don't worry
am not being stupid with my new girlfriend, cuidate baby, i will always have
a place for you in my heart :)
goodbye annie, i wish things could've been different between us i really do
i think your pretty awesome and don't stop studying- get your masters too
ok... adios xoxo
--
marlon picasso"
I'm too fucking lazy to translate what it says in the middle but yeah, he does have lipstick on his face. As The Flying JimJim would say: "HE'S A FAGSKATCHIMO!"
His new webcam girlfriend. I want to fucking throw up.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week:
Week 1: Autistic Josh
Week 19: The Death
of Myspace Week 37:
Playboy
Week 2: Lor the Whore
Week 20: Jeremy the Gay
Week 38: Gears of War
Week 3: Juggalo Brandon
Week 21: World of
Warcraft Week 39: Postie
Week 4: Usagi Kou
Week 22: Freak12
Week 40: Marine Corps!
Week 5: Stupid Wuss Man
Week 23: Girl Pants
Week 41: JDPLVY
Week 6: Jordan Powell
Week 24: Chrissy
Week 42: Islamofascist
Week 7: Pat Lee
Week 25:
Fagberto Week 43:
Youth Action Coalition
Week 8: Flora Bush
Week 26: Dan
Brown aka Anal Scurvy Week 44:
Phantom Simba
Week 9: FBI Sting Operation
#524 Week 27: Clown Boy
Week 45: SORRY MUTHA FUCKA ADIOS Part Deux
Week 10: Cipriani
Week 28: Psycohol
Week 11: Carlos Mangual
Week 29: Fagnime
Week 12: The Crimson
Week 30: I Are Coop
Week 13: Billy Boy
Week 31: Brian
Michael Bendis
Week 14: Ashleigh
Week 32:
Model4Christ
Week 15: Lucky Charms McHomosexual
Week 33: Cobra1237
Week 16: Abby the Age Liar
Week 34: Machacek
Week 17: Insane Clown Nazi
Week 35: Lindy
Week 18: Harlem Prophet
Week 36: Sadie