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Myspace Loser of the Week
Over my year or so on the site, it has dawned upon Doom that I have yet to do a single Myspace Loser of the Week article (at least on my own). So, in his infinite wisdom, I have been chosen to be in charge of this week's update. Being the anti-social bastard that I tend to be when it comes to these "social networking" sites, I have little to no knowledge of how to easily find any candidates. However, I have devised a simple plan on finding candidates that can be hit or miss, which was touched upon the last time I partook in Myspace Loser. This week's porn star was Charmane Star (if I recall correctly), who seems quite absent from JHWK's top friends list. For shame, JHWK, and here I was hoping this would be a little easier.
So here we have our typical "YEAH SPORTS!" kind of guy in JHWK. A space cluttered with what I believe to be the initials of some SPORTS college. Grand; I can tell he's my kind of guy already. Hell, he lists SPORTS as the only thing in his general interests. A man of many tastes, I see. Truly, these men are the pinnacles of our modern day American society. "Who gives a shit about the state of the world when my favorite throwball team may not make it to the playoff bowl finals!" So even though I can't berate JHWK on the easy fact he has a pornstar as a friend, I can still rant about his fondness for all things that flat out suck, which all seem to stem from this fond love of SPORTS!
To start this off, the common theme among all Myspace Losers is a horrible layout that just makes your eyes want to bleed out of your skull and drain down the sink you're looking at the web-page over for some reason. Okay, maybe I stole that from Dizz after he did some serious shit, but I don't care. I'm not here to be original, damn it! But really now, DOES YOUR PAGE HAVE TO RAIN WITH THOSE DAMN COLLEGE INITIALS? It reminds me of what Doom has come to say about throwball fans, who have to somehow incorporate that the team winning somehow affects their life. You're not the team, dumbass, so don't try to act like it. When they win against some college, you didn't win against said college, it was whoever the hell was playing that day. It just becomes sad really, especially once you're pushing 30 years old.
Running along with the roller coaster of idiocy, you just have to look at what our new Loser likes to listen to and watch, besides SPORTS! The music list:
Let's stop right there. Right there, anything else that could be credible as good music to me was just lost with the first band on his list. I don't even care if Queen is on there (and I'd sell my soul just to suck a non AIDS infested Freddie Mercury cock). I have one vague memory of Blink-182 having fans, and that was seeing two 11 year old boys begging their mom to buy the CD for them while I fiddled around with a broken GameCube Controller at the local Target. It's a sad day when I've realized there are grown men who love music that 14 year old girls masturbate to whilst imagining they're "totally the perfect one for *lead singer*". Perhaps this is what JHWK does secretly every night and I'm the first to have uncovered his little secret! At last, this nerd has done something right!
Onto the movie list, then. Maybe he has some redeeming qualities there:
GOD DAMN IT! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! He's just furthering my stereotypes of YEAH SPORTS! guys even more so now with this crap. Now it seems JHWK is in the category "Will Ferrell! Yelling! Funny! MAKE CRUNK LAUGH! AH HA HA HA!" He further propagates the myth that Will Ferrel is funny, much like every college student who furthers along Dane Cook's career. This is getting to a point where I don't even feel like continuing on with this shit. I mean, 13 year old boys find Will Ferrell's style of humor funny; grown men shouldn't.
The Loser Qualifier
Well, perhaps TV then, oh, fuck it, you all know where I'm going with this one: FAMILY GUY! The shithole of TV has reached the shithole of the internet, yet again, as the Family Guy legions just constantly seem to pop up in The Daily Raider's ongoing series against these fucked up social networking sites. Can't say I wasn't surprised at this, given all the other factors that just add up and up and up: SPORTS!, Will Ferrell, pre-teen "rock". All are signs of some sort of mental retardation. Then again, JHWK is from the South, so this may all be results of some sort of inbreeding gone wrong (or perhaps right, for all I know about the South).
In case you just HAD to know the rest of the list. I sure didn't.
You know what, I just won't do this shit anymore. This man has just... it's ruined the fun for me. I was hoping to have some sort of challenge mocking him, yet everything on his page is a mockery within itself. I can't click on anything there that doesn't just make me either boil with rage or pity the human race to know such a person exists with these tastes past the age of 15. And I can't just idly sit by and see something fester like this in our society and be allowed to breed! This is Darwin Awards material right here and he needs to take that chance, by gum! And furthermore, I'm surprised just how far I've gone into this whole article without once nitpicking on how he's friends with a porn star on Myspace. But fuck it, I can't just keep this shit bottled up anymore! YOU FUCKING FRIENDED A PORN STAR! WHY?! IN SOME SORT OF BELITTLED HOPE THAT SHE WILL PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR "Hey, just wanted you to know I think you're hot!" POSTS?! HOW SAD DOES ONE MAN HAVE TO BE, TO GO BEYOND JUST GREGGING IT TO THOSE 15 SECOND CLIPS YOU FOUND OF HER OFF OF SOME THUMB SITE TO TRYING TO GET SOME SORT OF GLIMPSE AT HER ONLINE?! THIS IS JUST TOO SAD FOR ME TO PITY, IT JUST CREATES THIS ANGER, THAT SOMEONE CAN DO SOMETHING SO UTTERLY IDIOTIC, WHEN HE KNOWS HE HAS NO FUCKING CHANCE OF EVER BEING AN ACTUAL "FRIEND" TO THIS STAR!
...Fuck... I need to stop hanging around my uncle... Also, I apologize to Rammspieler profusely.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: