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Myspace Loser of the Week
by En Esch
Week 72: Sascha Konietzko
The Daily Raider cruelly mocked my Myspace last week and I felt I must take drastic action to respond to it. Thus, I struck a deal with Doom of the Daily Raider: he would be able to keep up that article of libel up on his website if I was able to rebut it by doing a Myspace Loser of the Week of my own. Since Guenter does not have a Myspace because his Myspace would not fit within the resolution of the largest monitor, I have chosen Sascha Konietzko. Yes, the very same Sascha Konietzko whose band I quit over 8 years ago. Now, I did not have anything against him until he revealed himself as a power hungry monster - which is to say I did not have anything against him until I met him. From then on, I knew he sought to take the talent of me and use it to propel his own career and then hang out me to dry. That's why I am not a multi-millionaire. Sascha took the best years of my life and left me with nothing but a pee-covered cot and several broken copies of my solo album Cheesy. Well, now I am going to return the favor by making passive-aggressive snipes at him on the Internet. See if you can defeat that, Mr. Sascha!
Look at him. He thinks he is such a big man for having nearly 5000 more friends than I do. To that I say: you are definitely not a big man, Mr. KMFDM. I am 1/3rd as popular as you, should we go by Myspace friends counts. Thus, that means Slick Idiot is not the pathetic vanity project you describe, Sascha. Slick Idiot has popularity. We sold 20 CDs this last month, and while I am sure that is not larger than your monthly amount, it must be impressive and intimidating to you, as it comes from a small label with little market penetration (due to your blacklisting efforts, you neo-McCarthyite). Soon Itchy Records will overtake your pathetic and overrated KMFDM Records, with our upcoming release schedule of... okay, nothing yet. But someday! Someday What Apology 2, Cheesier and Slick Idiot in: Fuhked Upp will come out and blow away your little KMFDM project. All we need is the money to buy equipment, recording time, CD pressing and distribution. So in 5 years the Slick Idiots will knock you from your roost, Sascha!
You should notice all of his top friends are women, and attractive women at that, with the obvious exception of his wife (which I will get into later). I believe this to be another example of Sascha Konietzko the braggart. Here he is saying "I could get all of these women, but I choose not to, for am I better than you, En Esch of Slick Idiot, you pathetic loser who got kicked out the band and replaced by Tim Skold of all people". I...I can find beautiful women as well, Sascha! I am capable of it! I have, as the target demographic of Slick Idiot's music would say, "game"! Just last night I received the phone number from a woman. And before that, I have been linked to Mona Mur and the girl who toured with us in the xScrewciating tour. The one who wasn't the guy from More Machine than Man. She was attractive, was she not? So yes, Sascha, just because all of us did not headline 'national' tours does not mean we are incapable of receiving woo from attractive women. While I have not bedded women in a long time, that relates more to my lack of bed for the past 6 months than my virility. And...and at least I did not marry the band ruining harlot Sascha calls his wife.
Speaking of her, I notice she is the 'top friend' of Sascha's. How sad! My top friend is most certainly not my wife. In fact, my top friend is Vas Kallas of Hanzel und Gretyl, who remixed a Slick Idiot track once. How can you top that, Sascha? Of course he is unable to top that, for despite all of his success he is still not a ladies' man compared to En Esch. Back before the horrible accident that took my hair and caused my expulsion from State University, many women found the Eschster very irresistible. I remember one time I even received a phone number of a particular lady. I lost the number in my jacket pocket, but that is not the point. At that point in my life I certainly did better than having to marry the woman who once fronted a band (Drill) that lasted a total of one album. We of Slick Idiot are 400% more successful than Drill; we have released four albums! Ha ha ha, top that Lucia. Although I do believe Sascha and Lucia are meant for each other because both are inferior musicians whose lack of talent deserves each other. The only more fitting wife for Konietzko is Skold (see what I did there).
His interests also show his unending arrogance. Sascha is a man known for his arrogance, by the way; he singlehandedly rejected all of my ideas for KMFDM by saying "I am the Kapt'n and I decide what is best for the band". Those ideas went on to become DickNity. His loss! Examples of his arrogance in his interests are seen in his 'music' section, in which he lists "the kind i make" as the music he is interested in. Arrogance! What about the other kinds of music? What about Slick Idiot's retardotronica (which was a nickname given to us by one of our fans)? Schulz's 'Guent rock'? Cheesy's Eschcore? Of course he fails to acknowledge these widely accepted forms of musical expression. He did not have a hand in them, so therefore in his mind they are to be regarded as worthless. He did that all the time during our time together in KMFDM. I cannot tell you how many times he smashed a guitar over poor Guenter's head for "thinking", which was supposedly something "only the Kapt'n can do". We tried calling social services but no one would take us seriously. Sascha's arrogance and his anger are a threat to anyone daring to differ from his dictator vision of music.
That connects to his refusal to hear criticism of any kind. He would rather surround himself with Skoldites than have people question him. Sascha is like Hitler only worse and if Hitler ran an industrial band instead of slaughtering 6 million Jews (Sascha has only personally slaughtered 100,000 Jews). This self-centeredness explains him only wanting to meet "anyone who's into KMFDM". A Slick Idiot fan? A Schulz lover? Someone who likes More Machine than Man? Sacrilege. Not worthy of meeting the mighty Sascha, who does not descend from his mountain of a 'house' unless it is someone he can mold into a supporter of his. I remember one time he saw a PIG fan at a concert. Sascha stopped the concert, motioned to security, who escorted him to Sascha's reeducation center. The fan is now lobotomized and a poster on the Ultra Heavy Beat, a KMFDM puppet organization. This Myspace is also a puppet of the Big Brother-esque KMFDM. I am surprised his Secret Police have not disposed of me yet (that is what happened to Raymond Watts - he is now buried under "Yankee Stadium").
Sascha of KMFDM ruined my career, stole my glory and because of him I am living in a cardboard box on the outskirts of Berlin, deciding whether or not to eat a cheeseburger I know for a fact will give me hepatitis B. It is all his fault! He personally sabotaged the pressing runs of every Slick Idiot CD, making all of them sound completely unlistenable. He gave Guenter diabetes...wait, no, that was all the Burger King he's eaten over the years. But the point remains. He has destroyed the lives of Slick Idiot, as well as probably the life of the guy from More Machine than Man. He must pay for this, or at least pay for the monthly rent on the box I am renting this winter.
View previous Myspace Losers of the Week: