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Myspace Loser of the Week
by Nerdlinger and Ed Gein
Special Guest appearance by Slurms McKenzie™!
Week 77: Cloverfield The Movie
WHIMMY WHAM WHAM WOZZLE! What's up, party dudes?! This is the original Party Worm™, Slurms McKenzie™, here to introduce you all to this week's MySpace Loser! Now, when I'm not partying every night for Slurm™ ("It's Highly Addictive!"), I enjoy watching the awesome movie that today's youth loves! That's why I can't think of any movie better for my and Slurm's™ endorsement than the smash hit "Cloverfield"! Now, there are a few un-cool dudes in the bunch who don't like the movie, so they're here to harsh my groove as they jive on about the Cloverfield Movie Myspace page! Slurms™ out, and keep on partying, dudes!
Ed Gein: Hey hey hey, it's first timer (but not when it comes to killin') writer Ed Gein here! Tagging along is Raider-writer-regular Milhou- I mean Nerdlinger. Oddly enough this week's Myspace Loser isn't a human being (aren't they all). It's one of those fucking advertising movie profiles, filled with like...advertisement and shit. Although Cloverfield may not look like it's going to become one of those rare positive reviews we've given to films, it still is the preferred choice for us when you look at the other shitfests they've got lined up for January. Really, which would you choose:
As you can see, it wasn't that hard to pick which one (at least for me; not too sure about Milhouse though). We got that son of a bitch fucking money and spent it on the monster movie. And guess what? I made the right choice, as it sucked the least out of all of them. But that's not the point here. I mean, just look at these guys right here, in the comment section. Absolutely NO mention of Voltron. DID THEY NOT WATCH THE SAME MOVIE THAT WE DID?!
I mean it's pretty obvious not to miss Voltron's presence in the movie. Even in the trailer, we all heard that guy say "I saw it, it's a ROBEAST, it's huge!" Cue Statue of Liberty head. How the fuck did no one catch this? How did they fail to comment on this genius, subtle
hint towards the monster's (or should I say ROBEAST) appearance? Let's take a look with Nerdlinger's insights.
Ed Gein, e'rebody!
Nerdlinger: Cloverfield has a Myspace, eh? Well, since The Simpsons has one, as well as The Simpsons Movie, I suppose this isn't that quite farfetched. Indeed, it seems very "major" release has its own Myspace page. I wouldn't be too surprised if Meet the Spartans (MY ETERNAL FOE) had one. But I suppose Cloverfield isn't that bad of a movie. Sure, it isn't the cream of the crop, but I don't want to judge it just yet until our official review comes out. Barring making any quips directed at the movie (seeing as I have yet to watch it myself), instead I can just surmise what happens.
As many should know, Cloverfield is some sort of monster movie with Blair Witch style photography set in New York City. Now, the entire hype around the movie was that no one knew what the fuck the monster looked like. My guess was it was, in fact, a Robeast. Said Robeast was so fucking huge that it was able to tear off the Statue of Liberty's head and fling it halfway across the city. Of course, since it was a Robeast, there was only one hope for the city. That hope: Voltron, Defender of the Universe! Clearly, this movie is the greatest modern adaptation of the Voltron mythos since Waterworld (but really, it wasn't that hard to beat it).
While being the greatest Voltron movie ever made, there's still something that irks me about Cloverfield, and that is its Internet fan community. I mean, just look at all of its top friends. Every last one of them uses pretty much the same damn picture for their avatar. Why not use an image still of Voltron from the movie? I suppose they all want to remain spoiler free, but come on. Who hasn't heard of this news yet? Pretty much everyone already knows about Cloverfield being a Voltron movie; I don't understand why they don't just let the cat out of the bag already.
There but for the face of Voltron
But, in all seriousness, why the hell do all of these people use the same damn avatar? Some originality for these kinds of friends would be nice. Perhaps one of the actual Robeast. Maybe one of Voltron. Some others could use people from the movie. All said mages would confirm the user's love for Cloverfield and keep them all fresh and original. But, alas, this is not to be. Apart from the pictures of the Statue of Liberty post-Robeast attack, there are a few of actual fans showing off their faces. The problem is the obscene amount of Myspace angles used for everyone of them. Take "Slusho Fan #1" for instance (a claim I highly refute), staring off into deep nothingness with his image reflected by a mirror with an emo swoop covering his unexposed side. Then there's "Iron Slusho Whale" (yet another claim I doubt is true), with the camera peering down upon his body to hide the ripples upon ripples of fat on his body. It's bad enough that he has to make a shout out to a dead man. Why not just add insult to injury, jackass!
Further along with these fans of the movie come the wall comments for the movie. It's a travesty, really. Every last one is nothing but "Awesome movie man!" or "Can't wait for a sequel!" I think the ending was pretty open for a sequel, guys. I mean, come on, I think it was obvious after Witch Haggar arose from the decaying corpse of the Robeast as Voltron blasted away into space after their job well done. The inanity of all these comments just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. All too damn common and run of the mill. I NEED ORIGINALITY HERE, PEOPLE!
WHY NO MENTIONS OF VOLTRON?!
So there we have it folks: hundreds of fans and not a single one seems to get the point about Cloverfield. The movie was all right, we know. People loved it, we know. There'll be a sequel, we know. But what we don't know, from your posts, is the awesome power of Voltron! He made the entire movie reek the pure stench of awesomeness from his first transformation. I couldn't help but let myself nerdgasm when the main pilot decreed "And I'll form the head!" Pure genius at its writing level there, and it has fallen onto deaf ears. Shame on you, Cloverfield fan community. You have all disgraced Voltron.
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