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The Moth Diaries Review |
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by: Doom 2012-10-02 The fuckin' vampire whose face is too small for her head's arrival at Primly's School of Scowls and Rebukes is a ground zero for strange occurrences. She offers the students whose names I couldn't give you if you put a fucking gun to my head some real primo stuff and it's apparently movie drugs because Rebecca has flashbacks of the vampire's past and the Asian chick throws a chair through the window. Is it angel dust? Man, if only Helen Hunt showed up, then I'd know for sure. |
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House at the End of the Street Review |
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House at the End of the Street Review by: Doom 2012-10-01 There was fucking nothing in the TV spots; the most I got was Jennifer Lawrence (the Mystique who was never married to Stamos) moving to a new location and people talking about some crazy shit that happened at that fucking house, the one at the end of the street. Her mom does not want her around the boy who lives there, dammit! Well, let me tell you, it gets worse at full length. Lionsgate may've pushed this from April to capitalize on The Hunger Games, but they should've pushed it even further to next April, where it can be in the dumping ground where it belongs. This is Psycho for retarded people. |
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The Resident Review |
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by: Doom 2012-07-31 Things are askew immediately, as the audience is introduced to a sweaty, jogging Hilary Swank. That isn't appreciated. I'm all for a hot woman exerting herself, breasts bouncing, tank top wet with sweat. When Hilary Swank does it, I'm like, what's the goddamn point? |
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Superman vs. the Elite Review |
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by: Doom 2012-07-31 Just as people start to question the obsolescence of Superman as a hero unwilling to kill his enemies and unwilling to settle international disputes using his powers, a hot new team of superheroes come to show the world that Superman's a boring old fuddy duddy with his "ethics" and "moral boundaries". The Elite start out on good terms with Superman, collaborating with him to avert a few disasters, but they part ways when leader Manchester Black uses his psychic powers to Jack Bauer interrogate a couple of terrorists. He almost kills them, but he does get the necessary information, so I'm pretty sure the Obama administration wouldn't prosecute, nor would the British government. |
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Episode 50 Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2012-07-31 If The Blair Witch Project didn't already suck, I'd hate it for the floodgate it and later Paranormal Activity opened. Horror has always been a low budget genre; a facsimile of murder or something that isn't really there doesn't cost a whole lot. But the explosion of the found footage genre has allowed shitty amateur wannabes put together a film product and disseminate it to the masses when in years past they simply couldn't due to lack of capital. Now all you need is a fucking handheld, maybe some lighting, a few friends who won't feel embarrassed by giving terrible performances assholes like me will mock mercilessly and the thin outline of a plot to make something unwitting suckers might put on while trawling the NetFlix Horror category. |
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Chernobyl Diaries Review |
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by: Doom 2012-07-31 The fact that Chernobyl Diaries isn't even as good as the fucking Hills Have Eyes (hell, it's inferior to The Hills Have Eyes 2: Hillin' It) is pretty fucking sad. If you've ever seen a horror movie about a group of idiots in an isolated area, you know how the plot goes. Of course someone chews on the van's wires. Of course the guy who decides to go out at night to do something is taken by the antagonists. Of course someone gets injured and gives a shaky account of what happened. Of course the gang splits up to find help, medical attention, all that shit. Of course it's a stupid fucking movie made by incompetents. |
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A Thousand Words Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2012-07-31 There's more theoretical laughs where that came from, since he can't do his job while not being able to talk and so his assistant Clark Duke (whose name in the movie, seriously, is Wisenberger), the potato-like Waylon Smithers to John Thousand Words' Mr. Burns, must perform his duties in his absence. Now, if you've got a black main character and a nerdy white sidekick, you're just waiting for the moment where the nerdy white sidekick tries to talk like a black person and A Thousand Words does not disappointment; it employs that tired device with aplomb. Either Clark Duke's a total racist who thinks black people talk like that (as John Thousand Words doesn't, not really) or the production is so tone-deaf, so disconnected from societal trends it thinks this stupid, predictable nonsense is worthy of comedy set piece status. |
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Bride Wars Review |
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by: Doom 2009-01-28 The film's writing is credited to five people, unearthing a disturbing proposition: was Bride Wars not able to be finished by one man, one woman or one heroin addict ferret? I'd like to meet these people who couldn't do Bride Wars on their own and give them the Killing Fields treatment. The film, being made by some women for some like-psychotic women, irrationally destroys the two women's friendship and makes them bitter rivals. Christ, it's not as if Hudson ate all of Hathaway's bees. |
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Gossip Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-31 Things don't look good for a movie when Joshua Jackson gets credited with an "and" preceding his name. The "and" is for people too well-known and commanding to not receive top billing even if not in the starring role. Thus, the creation of the "and" credit. This means the people involved in the making of Gossip thought Jackson an important and significant actor. No one should ever fucking think Joshua Jackson represents the pinnacle of any acting era, even if he did reign over the WBification of the film industry for 5 years in the late 90s. |
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Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning Review |
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Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning Review by: Doom 2008-10-28 Drinking, I don't know if it made the movie better, but, uh, I think I reached an understanding about the movie made for kids too fat to go outside and do something physically stimulating. I just know my fucking triplet cousins will be watching this garbage at some point because apparently this is less offensive and world destroying than showing them The Wire. |
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Hollow Man 2 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-25 Now, I wouldn't call myself a fan or an appreciator of Kevin Bacon; far from it. But you must admit, Kevin Bacon is several rungs above Christian Slater in terms of fame and in terms of acting ability. Kevin Bacon can still be in films. That go into theatres. Real theatres. Christian Slater? Well, he's kind of went from Jack Nicholson impersonator who incidentally starred in some good movies to fat, bloated hack to guy who can't get any projects off the ground, mainly because most bodybuilders couldn't get him off the ground. |
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Hollow Man Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-24 Sebastian Caine ups the sicko ante when he goes back to his apartment and sees that chick from Nip/Tuck (Carver's sister) across from his apartment looking hot and getting undressed. You know what that means, kids. Rape: the Ugly Man's and the Invisible Man's great equalizer. Unfortunately, we don't get to see the rape, because when Hollow Man was test screened, a scene depicting the rape tested poorly. Fucking puritans! I wanted to see the invisible rape of Rhona Mitra. |
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Joy Ride 2 Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-10-23 Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead: Dead End: Dead Reckoning: Dead Ringers: Dead Man Walking: DeadAlive: Dead or Alive: Night of the Living Dead: Dead: Dead: Quentin Tarantino Presents Dead |
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Max Payne Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-22 Max Payne reminds me of Hitman in that both are incoherent pieces of shit with a emotionless robot in the lead and Olga Kurylenko as some chick who tries to fuck the emotionless robot despite no interest on the robot's part. I wonder if the director schmuck saw Hitman and felt compelled enough to show he could do a shittier job. |
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Joy Ride Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-10-22 The concept of a crazy evil trucker is one that isn't quite as good as any other horror villain archetype and Rusty Nail is an especially bad example of why this is true. For one, he possesses the ability to magically know who's talking to him over the CB radio, which isn't that magical of a superpower. He doesn't have any particularly scary unique traits. The only thing he does particularly well is drive a giant black truck, which I'm pretty sure that almost every single horror movie villain has done at one point in their careers (even the Alien from the movie Alien did it). |
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Quarantine Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-16 If you thought Cloverfield wasn't shitty enough, well, here come the fucking Cloverfield ripoffs, which in reality are actually The Blair Witch Project ripoffs, but Americans' attention spans are too short to remember shit from 1999. Not only that, Quarantine remakes another movie, [Rec], so apparently the fucking morons who made this could not even have ripping off popular American movies as enough inspiration for their "screenplay". |
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Radio Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2008-10-15 You do not care about the story of Radio in the same way you don't care about the Rally Monkey; you care about the Anaheim Angels who won the World Series. This made me come to the conclusion that Radio is indistinguishable from a sequel to Air Bud. Air Bud inspired his team to victory despite the handicap of being a dog. Radio inspired his team to victory despite the handicap of being a retard. See! Same fucking thing, people. |
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Eagle Eye Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-15 Analyzing a message found in Eagle Eye presumes a message in Eagle Eye exists. I'll try anyway for your benefit. In order of importance, I detected the following: technology is evil, bombing Arabs without certainty they're terrorists is bad, and, uh....fuck.
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Shutter Review |
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by: Doom and the Jewker 2008-10-10 Well, actually the movie Shutter remakes is Thai, but that doesn't mean much. Japan equals Thailand except the Thai don't just accept pedophilia, they make it mandatory. Especially among expatriates. |
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Death Race Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-10-09 Choose your own tagline adventure: |
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Midnight Meat Train Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-08 Although I didn't care for the product itself, I would like to see Midnight Meat Train live on in the annals of popular culture. Midnight Meat Train is a great name/term for the following: an indie rock band, a cock rock throwback band, anal rape on a child by an adult relative ("wake up, Tammy, TIME TO GET ON THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN!"), prison rape, porno, a subway train somehow constructed entirely of meat, and some more I can't think of right now. That's pretty much all this piece of trash filmmaking is good for, intriguing enough premise/hilarious enough name aside. |
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I Know What You Did Last Summer Review |
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I Know What You Did Last Summer Review by: Doom 2008-10-04 The final comparison to Scream I believe I need to make to proves I Know What You Did Last Summer's greater importance: the sequels. Wes Craven directed every Scream movie and Richardson wrote the first and second ones. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer included neither the first's director nor writer. By the third one it was already headed into direct to video territory (with none of the preceding films' cast, might I add). This is the format successors in the neo-slasher subgenre would emulate, not Scream's. |
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House on Haunted Hill Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-10-03 The scares leave much to be desired, as do the deaths. There's a significant body count relative to the number of cast members, true. That means nothing if the deaths aren't shockingly gruesome, meaningful, unexpected or novel. House on Haunted Hill contains none of those ingredients for a good death; the best one is Famke stabbing the guy who looks like but isn't Greg Kinnear to death. And that's not even supernatural! |
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Rock Star Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-02 Hollywood films want you to believe fame doesn't really matter, despite all of the main people involved having shitloads of cash. Audiences fail to catch the cognitive dissonance of rich and famous people telling you it's not all that great and you'd be better off as a mediocre schlub. You just have to love the trend in American entertainment to shine a light of the horrid plight of the rich, famous and powerful. |
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Ninja Cheerleaders Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-01 You know, when movies establish character personalities through teletype montages also involving showing the women stripping and cheerleading, you might as well fucking turn it off. |
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Bangkok Dangerous Review |
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by: Doom 2008-09-07 The Pang Brothers show all the directorial and filmmaking acumen Homer Simpson does in "Beyond Blunderdome". Actually, that's unfair. Homer's reworked version of a Mel Gibson remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is much, much better than Bangkok Dangerous. It had humor, violence and a certain amount of pathos. The Pang Brothers don't even know what those words mean and not because they're foreign. |
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The Nutty Professor Review |
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by: Doom 1996-09-03 Sherman Klump is a smart man who's also fat, and guess which trait takes precedence. If you guessed fat, congratulations, you have sentience. He doesn't like being fat because someone who's fat and intelligent never receives adequate respect for their talents. Also, fat people are disgusting subhumans who ought to have been killed in the Holocaust (the problem with Hitler was who he wanted removed from the gene pool, folks!). |
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What Happens in Vegas Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-08-20 Their characters are night and day difference - Diaz is a workaholic Type A sociopath, Kutcher is a Type B slob who gets fired by his own father for his utter incompetence. You can pretty much write the fucking film based on that, and that's what I believe the script monkey did. Speaking of which, the script monkey in question is a woman, Dana Fox, and her only other credit is the script for something called The Wedding Date. Apparently, women can literally only fucking write or do things related to weddings. |
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Mirrors Review |
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by: Doom 2008-08-17 Okay. We've officially reached the very bottom of the barrel as it concerns 'scary things in Japan' to adapt. There's been videotapes, cell phones and technology/the Internet. Not to mention the all encompassing freaky pale children. All of these concepts have varying levels of fear associated with them, but all have promise or potential. The latest South Asian flotsam adaptation, Mirrors, does not. I mean, come on. Mirrors. |
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Pineapple Express Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2008-08-13 Seth Rogan made a film about smoking pot that I saw on DXM and it was not funny because I did not use the drug he wanted me to. DXM made this movie very boring, it removed all the funny parts of the film which one would only laugh at if one was high on pot, which I was not. See, I don't follow drug culture's laws which these days come down to smoking pot and drinking and fucking wasting your life within the combination. |
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Step Brothers Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2008-08-13 Step Brothers ruined the 21st century for me. As Will Ferrell cashed his oppressive paycheck over this piece of shit, he began to reign in the era that was the destruction of America. There is nothing in step brothers that makes mankind proud, it is a film of failures, like a blooper from the Holocaust. I hated Step Brothers with a passion. The film mocks common plot, which dictates that one must have a central drive, an engine, to create ideas and situations. Instead, Step Brothers is a meaningless string of jokes that insults me, chasing me around corners with 80s references and D&D jokes. |
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Space Chimps Review |
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by: Doom 2008-08-06 Space Chimps is about Andy Samberg as the descendent of a beloved icon who is overconfident about his abilities and fucks up routine stunts in a supposedly hilarious way. Does this sound like Hot Rod? That's because it essentially is Hot Rod, except make everyone literal simians instead of intellectual simians. Oh, and he's a cynical slacker in this one who must take on responsibility and his legacy, so I suppose for such a limited actor that is a huge acting stretch. Someday Andy Samberg will be sucking someone's dick and he'll be called "David Spade" by mistake. |
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X-Files 2: I Want To Believe Review |
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X-Files 2: I Want To Believe Review by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-07-27 McGee, McGee. McGee McGee McGee. McGee, McGee. You get the picture...if McGee brainmailed it to you correctly and McGee is known in this and other universes for his excellent postage skills. McGee was the original X-File because you cannot even try to explain McGee in this language or in any other language known by denizens of Earth. McGee's real name cannot be translated into English. Nor can the mystery of the X-Files, since McGee is the McGee Smoking Man who is constantly plaguing Mulder and Scully in their quest for the truth. |
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X-Files 2: I Want To Believe Review |
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X-Files 2: I Want To Believe Review by: The Fanboy 2008-07-27 The plot is really lame and does not advance the mytharc AT ALL. I know I didn't want aliens when I first heard this movie was being made, but that was before I found out the new villain: body transplant experimenting...people. I don't think that proves what happened to Samantha Mulder, nor does it address the alien invasion said to occur in 2012! This should've been a mytharc movie to address all the questions Carter took 9 seasons to never answer instead of some character based garbage. |
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Meet Dave Review |
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by: Doom, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-07-16 I mean, really now. What has Eddie Murphy done of late that's been any good? Dreamgirls? Maybe, but he wasn't funny in that. The rest of his recent career has been fucking unspeakably terrible. I went into a coma for 3 weeks upon seeing Norbit, for example. |
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Street Kings Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-07-16 The twist behind Street Kings becomes obvious when you realize the easiest protagonist/antagonist differentiation: the facial hair. Forest Whitaker sports a mustache. Jay Mohr has facial hair. Ergo, they are evil. Several other criminals and criminal cops have some hair on their face. Keanu Reeves, Hugh Laurie, Chris Evans, Terry Crews and the nurse chick are all cleanshaven and thus the good guys. See, there's no fucking moral ambiguity. |
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Black Resistance Reviews: Hancock Review |
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Black Resistance Reviews: Hancock Review by: Josiah X 2008-07-09 See, white man Jason Bateman thinks the best way for black man Hancock to become acceptable to crackas in the suburbs is if he shaves himself, takes off his nigga shades and spends some time in prison to make up for all his property damage. Oh yes, prison. Whitey always wants black man to go to prison yet refuses to hire a brotha once out of prison because he has a criminal record. See, Hancock don't show that because it's propaganda meant to get strong black men to understand the supposed benefits of becoming servile to the man. |
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Hancock Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-07-09 The Kingdom's director continues his career of making incomprehensible films with little to no actual storytelling. He thinks he's in the tradition of Michael Mann, but he's fucking not insofar as Mann made good movies in his career and Peter Berg thus far has not. Yet clearly he wants to become Michael Mann. The bank heist scene should've had a "previously seen in Heat" line of text at the bottom of the screen. Whereas Mann uses unexpected and inventive shots to stage the action, Berg chooses to emulate Michael Bay, making shit as incomprehensible as possible. |
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Stop-Loss Review |
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by: Doom 2008-07-06 Shit becomes an action movie America understands as it's now one man against droves of state troopers and other stupid as fuck figures of authority that should be easy to outmaneuver. Brandon beats the shit outta some people and goes on the run like Lem did in Season 5. He gets the bright idea of seeing a Senator in Washington about his stop-loss status, thinking Senators actually give a shit about people. Spoilers: they don't. To be fair, Brandon isn't Lem; he's Vic since he has a modicum of competence compared to the kentucky fried idiocy of Channing Tatum/Steve/Shane. |
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Wanted Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-06-30 What made Wanted a comic book worth reading was Millar's style, specifically his take on superheroes and supervillains. Since this movie lifts out the entirety of that element, there is little of worth to bother watching for. Sure, Wanted: The Film takes the Fight Club ripoff bits of the narrative and does them adequately, I guess, but then it captures none of Millar's tone. It does not even try. And since I know this director fuck's other films, I know it was intentional. |
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Blue State Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-30 Advertisements either bill this a comedy or a comedy-drama/dramedy. Sometimes a romance. I see no evidence of Blue State fitting into any of those distinct categories. For one thing, it's completely jokeless except for one thing which I'll mention later. No comedy. None. Unless you consider 'Canada sure is weird' jokes to be comedy, and I don't. |
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Agent Cody Banks 2 Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nixon 2008-06-29 I can't, I just can't do this anymore. That these films exist, I just can't. No more. This and Big Momma's House 2 strike me as twins of sorts in the horrible 'person you do not think would be secret agent is in fact a secret agent'. They both go to the inane automatic sequel generator and they both do not deserve to exist when so many other projects could have been greenlit. I don't know why the fuck Doug Naylor has problems financing Red Dwarf: The Movie when Hollywood apparently forks out millions in dough whenever someone comes with an idea befitting the Agent Cody Banks 'franchise'. |
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Next Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2008-06-28 If you're a fan of the Philip K. Dick work this purports to be based on...don't. You'll only be disappointed and infuriated. You remember the abysmal wrecks Paycheck and Minority Report? This one's even worse. For one, it has Nicolas Cage, proven to be worse than Ben Affleck and Tom Cruise. Secondly, it diverges even more so, bypassing the entire concept of animal instincts versus human instincts that was the short story's backbone in favor of a stupid and drab terrorism plot cause IT POST 9/11 AND WE GOTS TO GET MORE MOVIES BOUT TERRORISTS TO FEARMONGER AMERICA WITH. |
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Popeye Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nixon 2008-06-27 Again, this...thing...stars Robin Williams. Run! RUUUUUUUN! A lot of people try to justify his chronic lack of humor as of late by saying, "he was funnier when he was younger (aka on coke/drinking severely)". Well, Popeye proves that argument wrong. |
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Be Kind Rewind Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-26 For all its themes, they fall flat because Be Kind Rewind is so unrealistic. I'm not just talking about the embarrassing scene of Black's piss being magnetic, I'm damning the very premise of the movie. No one would fucking pay $20 for a 20 minute film starring a fat loud guy and a black dude constantly on sedatives, the former of whom kisses a transvestite in several of the videos. No one. Even if the town this is set in had an absurd amount of retards among its denizens, I would still find myself incapable of believing the goings on. |
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Adventures in Egomania Vol. 2: The Happening Review |
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Adventures in Egomania Volume 2: The Happening Review by: Doom 2008-06-25 The film begins with its scariest revelation: Shyamalan cast Wahlberg for a role of authority and knowledge. Mark Wahlberg plays Elliot, a loser inner city science teacher who unrealistically still has passion for his job and seems to have a sexual interest in discussing the disappearance of bees (his line delivery and orgasms become indistinguishable early on). |
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The Invasion Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-25 The only people truly safe from the virus are people who had really bad cases of chicken pox (seriously), Kidman's son being one of those people. They need to find the kid to be able to engineer a cure, and so The Invasion goes from thriller to Search for Anti-Spock, with lots of car chases and explosions. People love explosions! |
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When A Stranger Calls Back Review |
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When A Stranger Calls Back Review by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-06-24 One thing that really pissed me off was When a Stranger Calls Back, title-wise, engages in flagrant false advertising. You see, the Stranger never calls in this one, nor does he call again (obviously), so the entire predicate of the title is false. Why call it When a Stranger Calls Back when the Stranger doesn't use the phone? |
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Final Destination Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2008-06-23 With this and every other Final Destination that has and, sadly, will come out for public viewing there is always the exact same question to be asked: Why are the death's so damned complicated? I'm pretty sure, with the whole "Death has a plan" thing that went on in this film, that Death has much better things to do than just to terrorize a bunch of teens who were somehow able to figure out his master plan. I'm guessing there is a simpler way of killing someone besides having twenty events leading up to a strangulation, or having a giant fake out where one person was supposed to die, yet changes the entire order around. |
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I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry Review |
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I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry Review by: Doom 2008-06-22 When one thinks of proper satirizers of gay marriage "debate", Adam Sandler and that fat fuck from The King of Queens do not immediately spring to mind. They're actually Numbers 10495 and 10497 on the list of "people who should satirize the gay marriage debate", sandwiched between Ray Jay Johnson and after and before Fred Phelps and Margaret Cho. And yet these fucks made I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry anyway, forever solidifying the tendency of Hollywood to task the creation of a movie to people who hate the subject matter (first seen with Birth of a Nation). |
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Big Momma's House 2 Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-06-21 We clearly needed more star vehicles involving Martin Lawrence fooling an obscene amount of people, making them think he's really a fat black woman with poor personal hygiene habits and a sassy demeanor. I mean, really now. I know Americans are fucking dumb, but this is taking things a little bit far, don't you think? It's sorta like the whole German nationalism thing. It's all right to be proud of your country and your heritage, but once you start deporting and exterminating Jews for sake of protecting your national/ethnic interests, you've taken things a bit too far. |
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The Sitter Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-20 The Sitter has no ideas except for the basic premise that crazy women are crazy, which is a tautology I don't think needs to be translated to film as often as it has over the years. Women are crazy, yes, but water's wet and with the exception of Waterworld we've never needed a movie to establish that. The Sitter takes the tried and true Fatal Attraction formula (and of course the Hand That Rocks the Cradle formula, from which the plaigiarism is most blatant, and the "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge" episode of The Simpsons formula) and mangles it to fit the premise of a crazy babysitter who seeks to place herself in the life of a dippy white supremacist's dream family. Fuck, at least Glenn Close boiled a fucking rabbit. |
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The Reaping Review |
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by: Doom and Ronin 2008-06-19 The screenwriter spent no time working on the character to give her nuance, depth or some hook beyond 'she is played by Hilary Swank and therefore you should empathize'. Her character goes through a simple arc: she starts off as spurned follower of the Lord and through the events of the film becomes a Bible thumper again. This happens in every fucking movie about a doubting atheist. They see God and fucking go all Born Again. |
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Valentine Review |
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by: Doom, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-06-18 Valentine was another one of many movies attempting to capitalize on the slasher resurgence brought by Scream (which, while bad, was not as bad as the pathetic copycats, of course). It's interesting for a couple of reasons: it was directed by Urban Legend's Jamie Blanks, a hack who's gone on to direct a total of two more films and WB cut the film off at the knees by throwing out a lot of the more violent shots despite Valentine receiving an R rating anyway. When was the last time a studio movie was cut for reasons other than to bring it down to a more profitable rating? Fucking never. |
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The Incredible Hulk Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-18 The non-Betty scenes could've been goddamn perfect and it still would've been bad if coupled with the Betty scenes. Why? Liv "Face Like A Vending Machine" Tyler is the worst possible actor for the role. Worst. Worst. That means, yes, I would've preferred a man to play Banner's girlfriend. And why wouldn't I; they seemingly cast a man in the role already, given Tyler's lantern jaw that's more rock hard and manly than MY jaw. |
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The Incredible Hulk Review |
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by: Original Famous Fanboy 2008-06-18 The Incredible Hulk gets the Hulk in a way Hulk never did. The Hulk is supposed to be this terrible threat in the mind of Banner but in reality he's actually a noble hero who doesn't kill people or willfully endanger anyone. He's not some psychological crap I can't understand because it's stupid. In this Banner does eventually realize the Hulk can do good and so he uses the power of the Hulk to stop the Abomination and not kill him. Unlike all the bloodthirsty heroes in other Marvel movies, Hulk doesn't kill. I'm sure once Abomination got knocked out he was sent to Ryker's Island where he won't escape. As it should be. |
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The Incredible Hulk Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2008-06-18 Despite being nearly two hours long, there are many dropped and undeveloped subplots which will annoy anyone who is trying to watch for the story and not the fight sequences. The supersoldier program, Bruce's efforts to control the Hulk, any semblance of a storyline for Betty. This is the irony of The Incredible Hulk--it sought to erase the moribund pacing of its predecessor but went too far in the opposite direction, a breakneck pace which does not allow the narrative to breathe or develop any of the characters. |
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The Incredible Hulk Review |
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by: Doom, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-06-18 Edward Norton's eyebrows could furnish a Ukrainian village for two years. Just as Liv Tyler's arm hair could replace Comerica Park's astroturf three times over. |
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The Cell Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-17 A serial killer has just been apprehended, but he's in a coma and the FBI needs to find out the location of his final victim. How will they get to her in time? Through a thorough investigation, i.e., their job? No. That'd be too easy and would make more sense. And it would require the FBI to do their jobs. Bureaucratic institutions don't like that. Instead, they give the task of discerning the location of the girl to Jennifer Lopez, which is always a good fucking idea. |
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88 Minutes Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-16 Pacino doesn't have stunt doubles, he has latex puppets replacing him in scenes. |
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When A Stranger Calls Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-15 Here's a horror cliche: if a homeowner introduces a house sitter to several distinct elements of the house, expect them to come into play later on in the film, either as legitimate intended scares or fake outs meant to freak out Jill and the stupid fucking moron audience. UH OH! A SUDDEN NOISE! IT MIGHT BE THE MURDERER...OR...A CAT! REAL SCARY, EH, KIDS? |
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The Cry Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-14 "What's for dinner, mom?" "DIE." |
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The Hitcher remake Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2008-06-13 Meyers chooses Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" as the best accompaniment to that scene. "Closer", albeit one of Trent's best tracks, is not something to set a fucking police chase sequence to. "Closer" does not sound imposing; it's a light industrial jaunt through Reznor's depression-filled mind. It makes the whole thing funny, which I assume was not the intention of the director or the producers. |
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Spike Lee is a boring old |
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Spike Lee is a boring old by: Charlie Sykes 2008-06-12 In addition to being a secret Black Panther, Spike Lee is quite the little/niggle malcontent too; this isn't the first time he's mouthed off to the black biased press. One time, he said patriotic American and guns rights hero Charlton Heston should be shot with a .44 bulldog. On another occasion he accused Trent Lott of being a member of the KKK, simply because Lott lauded Strom Thurmond. Thurmond was a great man, far greater than some communist film director who thinks anti-white invective is 'cool'. |
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Candyman Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-06-12 The film was originally titled Jungle Fever and was directed by Spike Lee. |
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Dead Silence Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-11 Are you scared of puppets and ventriloquism? Well, then, you're an idiot. |
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Urban Legends 3: Bloody Mary Review |
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Urban Legends 3: Bloody Mary Review by: Doom 2008-06-10 In the span of a week I've gone from having seen zero Urban Legend movies to having seen all of them. Blame boredom and several long intervals between college classes. I think seeing them all within the same time period helps. You're able to draw connections between quite unconnected films. Also, you're able to see just how the production values degrade from installment to subsequent installment. The first looked like a professional (if bad) product and the third resembles a student film. |
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Urban Legends: Final Cut Review |
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Urban Legends: Final Cut Review by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2008-06-09 Urban Legends follows in its predecessor's footsteps with incredibly shitty fake scares, one of which is a lot of seagulls ambushing Cameron by flying past her. Seagulls? SEAGULLS? I'm sorry, but you can't use seagulls. You can't. Others don't insult my intelligence as much but still suck. A couple characters walk around in creepy monster masks and scare Cameron until she realizes it's all a gag. (The killer uses the same method later, showing bitches ought not to prejudge situations based on past experience.) |
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Urban Legend Review |
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by: Doom and Commando 2008-06-08 People like to believe in stupid shit. This is apparent in everything from psychic detectives to religion to democracy. But somehow, people don't quite believe in the stupid shit they want to, and every once in a while it becomes necessary for someone to restore their faith in bullshit. Alas! A movie is born, presumably from some pop culture obsession with dumbass horror stories. "Haven't you ever heard the one about the.." oh just fucking kill me now. |
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Monkeybone Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2008-06-07 "If only I didn't mug so much! Maybe then I'd still have a career! But...my initial success was based on mugging! CONTRADICTION [head explodes]" |
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Senseless Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-06 Marlon Wayans probably getting raped at the end of Requiem for a Dream is not enough retribution for his prior film mistakes. Course, classing them mistakes is like establishing the Holocaust as 'a bit of a cock up'. |
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Swimfan Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-06-05 Jesse Bradford and Erika Christensen ably anchor the cast to the bottom of the ocean floor with their poor performances. Well, I wouldn't say the performances are particularly or notably bad; it's just that they're not very talented. They both look like cheap equivalents of popular in the early part of this decade teen stars. Bradford's a poor man's Freddie Prinze Jr. and Erika Christensen is one of those Real Dolls if they made one of Julia Stiles. Man, what does it fucking say for Swimfan when they couldn't afford the acting 'talents' of Julia Stiles? |
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The Strangers Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-06-04 One more thing: if you see The Strangers in American theatres, most screenings should be preceded by the trailer for Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. It's more horrific than anything you'll see in The Strangers. Trust us. |
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Black Christmas Remake Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-04 At the basest of the base levels Black Christmas does provide what one conceivably wants from this kind of movie - hot girls getting murdered by a weirdo with a fetish for some vague Christmas trappings (ornaments, icicles, candy canes, Santa hat, etc.). But that's pretty much it. |
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The Forgotten Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-06-03 "Hi, I'm Telly." "HI, MY NAME IS *HIC* BOURBON SOMBRERO. WELL, I GOTTA GO, I GOTTA A LONG SKEDHULE OF DRINKIN' AHEAD OF ME."
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Corky Romano Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-02 In terms of humor, Corky Romano relies heavily on Chris Kattan's questionable physical talents. Did I say heavily? I meant entirely. Non-pratfall humor contributes maybe 4%, leaving the movie 96% Chris Kattan falling over, getting himself stuck in things and receiving multiple physical blows (him receiving down low blows only appears in the director's cut, coming soon to the bargain bin of Costco near you). |
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Antz Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2008-06-01 A whiny coward who takes credit for shit he didn't do? Well, if the yarmulke fits... |
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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Whatever the Fuck Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-05-25 The plot is one of those incomprehensible things only George Luca freebasing some of Chris Carter's ashes (but he's not dead yet, you say! Well, his career is.) while hopped up on some E could come up with. |
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Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie Review |
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Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie Review by: Doom, Commando and Black Goliath 2008-05-25 Ooze's idea is to construct two Ectomorphicons, which is a fancy term for crappy CGI metallic hornet and scorpion. Rather than constructing these using his amazing, undefined powers, he enslaves the adults of Angel Grove by giving out his semen to kids and expecting the parents to touch the jizz and become mind controlled by it. (He markets it, and somehow enslaves the entire adult population without anyone noticing, through a giveaway at a carnival and a commercial which boasts a "FREE OOZE" banner.) The slave labor will build the monster robots and kill themselves after their work is complete. |
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Iron Man Review |
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by: Iron Man 2008-05-07 In this movie, why doesn't Tony Stark have access to a time machine? |
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Iron Man Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2008-05-07 Yes, I am back. It'll all be explained in $150 worth of comics from Geoff Johns. |
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Iron Man Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-05-07 It's a true rarity for this relatively unknown website: a positive critique of something. Anything, really. We here at the Raider bitch about so many negative things that it's a real change of pace to actually give something its due for once. [Editor's Note: Typically there are about 5 positive reviews for every 50 negative ones.] Yes, this movie was actually worth the price of admission. A movie that lived up to the hype, Iron Man is a really good blockbuster film, with enough explosions, thrills and Robert Downey Jr. to make you forget about any faults you could find. |
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21 Review |
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by: Ho Chi Gookerson 2008-04-27 21 have MTV styre dilection and editing. This anothel leason why Ho Chi Gookelson plefel the Asian Japanese Co-Plospelity Sphele firm industly. In Asia, thele is vely good dilection, with wiles and kung fu and evelything. No kung fu in Amelican firm 21. No wiles, no rotus frowels, no nothing. Just croseups of rots of praying calds and chips because appalentry that is what constitute dilection good in Amelican cinema. |
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The Ruins Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-04-23 I just realized something. All of the characters are analogous to Scooby Doo characters! Jeff is cool and collected Fred, Eric is long haired weirdo Shaggy, Stacy is ditz Daphne and Amy is Velma (since she too wears glasses)! I guess that leaves Mathias as Scooby Doo. They both share an obvious speech impediment. I wish the vines were revealed to be land developer Mr. Jenkins, who created a fake rape monster to get people off his ruins. |
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Nim's Island Review |
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by: Doom 2008-04-13 I suppose I should talk about Nim's Island plot. Admittedly, I'm not a good judge of the plot, as Black Goliath and I snuck into the last 20 or so minutes of it after leaving Prom Night and before trying to see 10,000 B.C. (I'll go into that bit later). But, but I defend my decision to review regardless by pointing out I'm a better human being for not seeing the entirety of Nim's Island. What I lack in authenticity in regards to the film, I more than make up for with skills not retarded by wasting 100 minutes on the melodramatic idiocy of a spoiled, stupid bitch whining incessantly about her asshole father. |
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Prom Night Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-04-13 Must all crappy teen horror flicks start with shots traversing vast expanses of water? MUST?!?!?!!?! |
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Run, Fatboy, Run Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-04-02 Why not watch Black Books Series 3 instead? It has Dylan Moran and Simon Pegg in it, without the hazard to humor David Schwimmer! |
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Superhero Movie Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-04-02 The last reason I hate the movie: it apparently seeks to besmirch the good names of Metropolis Records (probably my favorite current record label) and KMFDM (my favorite band). |
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Blades of Glory Review |
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by: Doom 2008-04-02 The overarching theme here is "Homosexuality is disgusting and wrong". From the gay costumes to the unease everyone has about a male/male figure skating pair, Blades of Glory mines homosexuality for laughs, but of course in a way which does not disgust the people watching it. If one or both of the characters were gay it'd be sickening. But when they're two straight, straight men who love fucking pussy it's more than okay! As long as they ain't REAL queers, America doesn't have a problem with it. |
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Meet the Spartans Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2008-03-30 Comedy-wise, Meet the Spartans fits snugly in between Epic Movie, Date Movie and the other shit these untalented motherfuckers find themselves responsible for. Although I must admit Meet the Spartans follows more of a central storyline than other parody movies. As in, it largely follows 300 instead of being an amalgamation of several recent movies which all bump up against each other in haphazard fashion. I applaud this decision, for it makes it a bit more coherent, yet it also makes it more confusing why Transformers or Sandman or the judges from America's Next Top Model would be in Sparta. |
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Semi-Pro Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-03-19 In addition to Will Ferrell in the lead role, we have such fine actors as Woody "White Guy in White Men Can't Jump" Harrelson, Andre 3000 and an assortment of mid-level comedy actors who Ferrell casts in all of his films, including Rob Corddry, Will Arnett and Miscellaneous (David Koechner is the comedy equivalent to Miscellaneous if there ever was one). |
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Untraceable Review |
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Dot.Kill 2: Untraceable Review by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-03-16 Now now now now just wait here a minute! Are...are you telling me that 'websites' can kill people? Are you telling me that? Well now wait there a tin horn minute! If this Internet can kill people, then why in Sam Hill is it still allowed by the fed-er-ral gubahmen? Why the hell hasn't anyone banned it? If they haven't, I will. I'm on the Senate committee for the Internet, I think, and as the most senior member by about 200 years I say we ban this thing before it becomes like Untraceable and traps people in acid vats or kills cats or any of those things it did in the motion picture! |
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Vantage Point Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-03-05 This guy, this guy is just pissin', just pissin' on his career! |
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Raider Grudgematch: I Know Who Killed Me vs. Captivity vs. P2 |
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Battle of the Torture Pornography by: Doom and Nixon 2008-03-02 I KNOW WHO KILLED ME: I don't understand why the team would make Chris Sivertson the director. Chris Sivertson doesn't know the first thing about directing. He comes out of the college draft in the 6th round, and this is the first team he's been on that I've ever heard about. The lack of experience shows me that this guy's too green to coach a professional team, even if that team is the Arizona Cardinals or Tampa Bay Buccaneers. |
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Juno Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-03-02 Juno is quirky. You know who else was quirky? Hitler. And his lovable little quirks led to the deaths of over 6 million Jews. |
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The Travoltas 2007 |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon, Black Goliath, Lemansky, Nerdlinger and Malice 2008-02-20 Even though Bay didn't win the award which uses him as a namesake, Transformers shows Bay does deserve the Gallo. Congrats, Michael Bay! Although his previous efforts to 'direct' sucked ass, none of them rival the product placement/war porn/bad comedy/awful melodrama/bombastic slo mo of Transformers. Transformers is a fucking achievement in awful, and it's only right to honor the man for whom the film owes its shittiness most to. |
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Jumper Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-02-17 David and Millie (the girlfriend)'s relationship consists of "I don't understand!" "I'll explain later!" "Okay, I trust you even though you without explanation returned to my life and are a wanted criminal!" for 90 minutes. The girlfriend receives no other characterization; literally, she's just a piece of ass given a voice occasionally. |
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Step Up 2: The Streets Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-02-17 Oh, I see how it is. THE BLACK MAN can't have a movie to himself. Step Up 2 the Streets is too DARK for Whiteytosa's mall. Even if it's starring two CRACKERS, black man can't have it. Might 'incite riots'. Mayfair, you MOTHERFUCKING CRACKERS. You think black man's gonna riot after seein' a movie? What, black people too stupid to understand what a moving picture is? Or maybe it's just that you don't want folk like us ruining your white image and dirtying up your WHITE decor. |
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Book of Shadows: Blair Witch Project 2 Review |
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Book of Shadows: Blair Witch Project 2 Review by: Doom and Malice 2008-02-17 When the entire idea is 'we can make some money by fooling people a second time' for a film, it's not really a good idea for anyone to watch it if they know it's just for money in the first place. People in 1999 agreed since no one went to see it then and its reputation has not positively increased by 2008. Book of Shadows is a bad horror movie, a bad movie in general and not worthy of the already not-that-worthy-anyway name of The Blair Witch Project. |
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P.S. I Love You Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-02-14 Holly follows her dead husband's whims rather than seeking her own path in life. Normally this would be seen as idiotic, psychotic, pathetic behavior, and to the movie's credit some of the characters point this out. But then this reverses itself by way of the last couple letters leading to Holly finding a vocation, finding purpose, moving on with her life...which would mean devoting a year of her time to being her dead husband's slave was a good thing. |
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The Eye Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-02-14 Jessica Alba is probably the worst actress working today. Besides her hotness, she has nothing else going for her. Her best performances are ones which don't require her to speak, so Dark Angel is pretty much the best she's ever going to get. Now she stars in bad science fiction, bad comedies and bad horror movies. In the last two years alone she's done Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Good Luck Chuck, Awake, The Eye, with The Love Guru coming later this year. |
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Cloverfield Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-02-10 A prominent United States landmark destroyed? INNOVATIVE. Also, I UNDERSTAND THE PLAY ON WORDS WITH "SOME THING" INSTEAD OF "SOMETHING". |
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Dogma Review |
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by: Shaenelle Johnston 2008-02-06 Hello everyone, this is Shaenelle Johnston, and before anyone asks, yes I was the one who got Lemansky thrown out of college. So what? He DESERVED it! He obviously was threatening me and every other person in that college with his 'free speech'! |
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Rambo IV Review |
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by: Doom and Malice 2008-02-03 The ending is most definitely the best part. Rambo takes the white bitch's words to heart and goes back to the United States. Specifically, his dad's farm. That's where the film ends. The credits roll as he begins walking up to the farm. I found it hilarious because I'm almost certain it took more than one take to complete the unbroken shot of Sylvester Stallone walking. Prior in the film, we only see him standing up or firing a weapon (achieved through animatronics, of course). |
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One Missed Call: American Version Review |
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One Missed Call: Bastardized Stupid Fucking American Version Review by: Doom and Malice 2008-01-27 Beth (Shannyn Sossamon) seemingly cannot go 5 minutes without stupidly saying something for the audience's intended benefit. An example: when she listens to a message on her friend's phone which comes from the future and from her number, she says "that's your voice". No shit, Beth! On other occasions she plays the role of the standard horror heroine to a T. Though she receives top billing and all the character development, she still cowers in fear and must receive help from cop Ed Burns! |
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The Travoltas 2006 |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner and Nixon 2008-01-27 Well, it's taken us about
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The Comebacks Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2008-01-23 It takes no skill whatsoever to come up with the jokes found in The Comebacks. I know I say this often, but I would not be surprised if the writing process involved in the script was two guys sitting in a room, throwing darts and 'comedy dartboards'. |
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Sweeney Todd Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2008-01-23 Isaiah Washington: You know who are faggots? Faggots. Faggots make faggot things even more faggoty, as empirically proven by the faggotilm Sweeney Todd: The Faggot Faggot of Castro Street. Directed by Tim "Faggot" Burton and starring Johnny "Faggot" Depp, Sweeney Todd is the faggotest faggot film I've seen in all of my years as a physician in Faggotology (a field meant for studying faggotry, not partake in, you implicating faggots). There is singing, there is dancing, there is mincing, and the character of Sweeney Todd looks like a woman. |
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Pulse Unrated Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2008-01-23 Pulse: Unrated corrects all the problems of the theatrical release, if you consider the problems of the first to be 'not enough scenes with bad lighting' and 'too few instances of static killing people'. On the other hand, if your idea of the bad things about Pulse included inane plot, horrible characterization, generic villains, tons of plot holes, and too much poor lighting, well, Pulse: Unrated leaves you shit out of luck. |
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Justice League: The New Frontier Review |
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Justice League: The New Frontier Review by: Doom and the Red Fox 2008-01-23 Superman is a real loser when it comes to this film, as he is incredibly nerdy as well as having the ability to annoy every other super powered character in the film with his mindless morality. This gets in the way a lot, like during the start of the film where he chastises Wonder Woman for allowing a bunch of raped Korean women to kill their captors with their own weapons. Yes, isn't it bad for women to protect their own rights! This is the fifties after all. |
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Batman Forever Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nerdlinger 2008-01-20 While the Burton movies had some good elements, you just knew the atmosphere they set up was hospitable to the glam and homoeroticism of Joel "The Hack" Schumacher. This is exactly what Batman Forever is - the Burton formula given a homosexual glam twist, with a lot of bad direction and hammy overacting to boot (as if Batman and Returns didn't have enough of those already!). |
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War Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2008-01-16 Hm. You'd think someone would have taken the title 'War' and already made something decent out of it. Or perhaps the simplicity of it engenders deterrence. After all, you'd have to be pretty brazen to think you could encapsulate the word 'war', perhaps one of the most loaded and meaningful terms/concepts in the English language, in one shitty motion picture. Especially one starring Jet Li and Jason Statham! |
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Yo Soy Boricua Pa' Que Tu Lo Sepas! Review |
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Yo Soy Boricua Pa' Que Tu Lo Sepas! Review by: Rammspieler 2008-01-16 My experience watching it was more or less as follows: anger, mild interest, laughing out loud at on screen unintentional hilarity and finally sheer boredom. |
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Southland Tales Review |
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by: Jurassic3000 2008-01-12 What happens when you finish a graphic novel with a movie in less than 60 theaters in America, yet with wide releases in Europe and Canada? What happens when the cast of your movie ranges from Dwayne Johnson (he'll always be the Rock to me, but that's not a bad thing) to Zelda Rubenstein, the old lady from that 80s classic Teen Witch? When I heard about the lousy reviews that the recut got from reviewers, I thought it would be a visual train wreck, but Southland Tales ended up being a great watch. |
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Enchanted Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Nerdlinger 2008-01-02 I don't know about the mass majority of America, but this movie scares the fuck out of me. Seriously, that whole scene with the roaches and rats is right out of fucking Creepshow, man. That, combined with the mind-boggling aspects of crossing over from the cartoon universe to the regular universe, raises too many questions. How can she keep her powers despite the fact that the talking chipmunk cannot talk once in the real world? Do some magical elements transfer and some do not? |
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Alvin and the Chipmunks Review |
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Alvin and the Chipmunks Review by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Nerdlinger 2008-01-02 They're back & nigger than ever. |
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AVP2 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-01-02 "Wait, they made an Alien vs. Predator 2?" were the very words Sophie said to me when I told her I had watched AVP2. I called her an ignorant bitch for not noting the title is now Aliens vs. Predator, which is more accurate (the books use the plural and so do the later computer games, although the later computer games use unabbreviated 'versus'). |
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Bratz Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2008-01-02 I don't know why girls would find this inspiring at all, much less teenage girls who are quite impressiona...oh. I guess that would explain why. But still, Bratz message seems suspect if you factor in the hypocrisy of simultaneously decrying conformity and praising individuality while still trying to bilk the audience into buying Bratz related bullshit. I suppose one runs the risk of this happening whenever the film comes from a multi-million dollar commercial property. However, that does not excuse anything in Bratz. |
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The Brave One Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-12-30 BEWARE THE WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY |
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The Kingdom Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-12-30 The Kingdom is essentially a movie version of 24 in that it shows an Arabic nation rife with evil, villainy and mustache twirling despite relatively few of the Arabs having mustaches adequate for twirling. Hence why I'm questioning the need for this as a film. America already gets 24 episodes a year of a white man breaking down doors and killing Arabs, so why is The Kingdom necessary? |
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Superbad Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Nerdlinger 2007-12-30 And so marks the birth of a billion T-shirts. |
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Zeitgeist Review |
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by: Doom, Rammspieler and Nixon 2007-12-25 Zeitgeist is the perfect title for the pseudo-documentary Zeitgeist because, like the documentary, the word 'zeitgeist' is vaguely defined and often used by all sorts of douchebags who search for a word signifying something important. Example: go to any indie fuck music review. You'll most likely find the word 'zeitgeist' in it, regardless of whether the word's relevant or makes any sense within any context. |
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Rush Hour 3 Review |
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by: Doom, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-12-25 The difficulty of an action-comedy lies in trying to keep it funny while also keeping it dramatic. Rush Hour fails in this regard for two reasons: the comedy sucks, and the drama sucks. First, the comedy: there's literally an entire scene in which the entire joke of "Who's on First" applies to a Chinese man since his name sounds like the word 'who'! It goes on for several minutes, and it only gets worse as the movie continues. |
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Hot Rod Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-12-25 Disjointed. That's really what Hot Rod is: a collection of sketches poorly patchworked together and strung along for an agonizing 90 minutes. I told you motherfuckers! I told you this would happen; the YouTubeification of comedy. I blame the Lonely Island fucks for it. They seek, in their humor, to craft not a narrative or a cohesive series of events with themes and meaning and shit, but rather a couple moments over a period of time which will get put on YouTube and laughed at by mouth breathing retards. |
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National Treasure 2 Review |
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by: Doom 2007-12-23 9/11 was really just a clue that leads to some treasure!! |
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I Am Legend Review |
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by: Doom 2007-12-23 When you put in Will Smith, it automatically becomes an action film, just like I, Robot went from what could've been cogent science fiction (by American standards, at least) to holy shit Will Smith is fighting him some robots. His acting is not, by definition, subtle. Thus why the scenes where he tries to acclimate to the two survivors are unintentionally amusing. He goes all Duddits for a while and then starts quoting Shrek. It's nonsensical. |
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Knocked Up Review |
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by: Doom 2007-12-19 Seth plays 'Ben', a zany guy with zany friends who say zany things and have zany jobs and smoke LOTS A' WEED CAUSE THAT'S WHAT ZANY SLACKERS DO!!! THEY'RE HIP AND WACKY, KIDS! LAUGH AT THE JOKES! BUY SHIRTS BASED ON THEIR CATCHPHRASES! GREASE THE WHEELS OF THE BLOOD-DRENCHED AMERICA GARMENT INDUSTRY! |
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The Day After Tomorrow Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-12-16 As far as plot advancement in this movie goes, well, there really wasn't any. The film had a very basic formula centered around several different groups of characters (New York teens, ISS astronauts, Al Gore, Dick Cheney) which all seemed boring and very terrible. |
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The Fly Review |
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by: Doctor Wankenstein 2007-12-16 Oh, mannnnnnn! |
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The Golden Compass Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2007-12-12 I still don't know why I bothered watching this. |
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Red Dawn Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2007-12-12 The stupidity of this entire movie is maddening beyond belief. I can understand how this movie became a camp classic, but for someone who wants a good cinematic experience, it fails miserably. It's not really entertaining enough to be stupidly fun, and it's certainly not good enough to be good. What you're left with is a boring film with no redeeming value, an overwrought plot that completely diverges from what history is and how things work, and too much Patrick Swayze and too much Charlie Sheen. |
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Rocky V Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-12-05 GO OUT AND GET 'EM, ROCKY! I AM A LAMP! BURGESS MEREDITH! |
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Stephen King's The Mist Review |
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Stephen King's The Mist Review by: Doom 2007-12-02 Yes, it's pretty much an even shittier version of The Fog in terms of concept. There's this mist that, like, kills people, and then the survivors have to find a way to survive the mist for the rest of the running time. And then shit happens. I realize I'm massively oversimplifying, but that's because it pisses me off so much. |
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Futurama: Bender's Big Score Review |
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Futurama: Bender's Big Score Review by: The Fanboy 2007-12-02 The plot gets more and more ridiculous as the aliens use Bender to steal riches for them, and then to kill Fry when they realize the time travel is not beneficial for the fabric of the universe. Paradoxes and dodgy time travel concepts ensue, and Fry is eventually killed after many attempts on Bender's part. An alternate timeline where Fry never goes to the future also gets created, and it does not make sense at all. Why would Yancy name his son Phillip if his brother never disappeared?! Answer me THAT, Ken Keeler! |
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Hitman Review |
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by: Doom 2007-11-30 As with all good anti-Russian propaganda, Russians here are portrayed as moronic dimwits, whose pathetic Slavic blood keeps them incapable of making proper decisions or dealing with situations wisely or smartly. Let's consider the plan Evil Russian Politician Tycoon Guy enacts to replace the pro-West, moderate prez with a 'hardliner' right out of the Gorby Cold War years. The plan is to have Agent 47 kill the prez, then replace the president with a body double who looks exactly like him, only this one speaks the right party line. Now, if you factor in the part about Agent 47 killing him on LIVE TELEVISION, it makes less than no sense. |
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League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Review |
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League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Review by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-11-25 If you read the original miniseries by Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, you shouldn't watch this. You'll just get angry and throw something at the screen, causing property damage you could have prevented had you chosen not to watch it. Those of you unfamiliar with League, don't be discouraged by the low quality of the film, as it really has little to do with the series in anything but characters and the concept of a team of literary characters doing things. Beyond that, LXG veers off the course after about 3 minutes. |
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Bee Movie Review |
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by: Lorne Michaels 2007-11-18 Bee Movie also shows the Zionists have no ideas of their own. As usual. If they did, they would not be employing so many white inventions for their nefarious ends. CGI animation was created by the whites, but as usual we see the ZOA (Zionist Occupied Animators) latching on to an innovation and bogging it down with Jewish flourishes and homosexual-supporting rhetoric. Animation itself was pioneered by White Nationalist Walt Disney before those Siegel and Shuster shylocks stole it for their Hymie Superman. |
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Gothic Vampires From Hell Review |
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Gothic Vampires From Hell Review by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-11-07 En Esch: I did not care for this movie Gothic Vampires From Hell because there was no Slick Idiot on the soundtrack. They could have asked us to contribute a track to their soundtrack. We would have certainly obliged had they offered us food or a stipend of two beds for as long as we were recording. |
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Leprechaun 3 Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-11-06 So, you're turning into an Irishman: A Coping and Prevention Guide |
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Cinderella III Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-11-05 I know this is a children's film and all, but media for children doesn't necessarily have to be as mindnumblingly dumb as this. This is so stupid it's not even about anything. Seriously. I watched it, and I saw nothing from it. Usually with Disney flicks you can determine a message by the end of it, such as "be yourself" or "teamwork" or "give into the patriarchal society you've been forced to adhere to all your life". It's all just a lot of crap about people stealing wands and going back in time and the Prince having to marry an ugly person. |
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Live Free or Die Hard Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nixon 2007-11-04 Live Free or Die Hard tries for jabs at America's horrible national security skills. However, it doesn't really work because nothing that happens in this film has ever come close to happening in America in real life. It's the same for 24 attempting to tackle issues in the real world. Both franchises are predicated on everything else in America failing EXCEPT John McClane/Jack Bauer. If security was actually good or if there weren't at least 8 moles in every governmental organization, the characters would have no adventures at all. |
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Transformers Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-11-02 NOSTALGIA BREEDS CONSERVATISM BREEDS NATIONALISM BREEDS FASCISM BREEDS THE KIND OF MILITARY ADULATION PERPETRATED BY THE MILITARISTIC PIECE OF FILTH KNOWN AS TRANSFORMERS. REJECT THE OLD, EMBRACE THE FUTURE! DIE MICHAEL BAY DIE MICHAEL BAY DIE. |
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Death Sentence Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nerdlinger 2007-11-01 Indeed, Death Sentence shows Saw Hack at his hackiest, something which is surprising considering Saw singlehandedly set back Asian directors in American film 30 years (Annapolis went on to set it back another 340 years). For example, the opening sequence of the film is of home movies of Kevin Bacon and his family. If there's a more saccharine, heavy handed way to start a story out, I don't know of it. GET IT, THE HOME MOVIES SHOW HIS LIFE AT A BETTER TIME, AND THESE GOOD TIMES WILL SOON BE CONTRASTED BY THE HORRIBLE TRAGEDY OF HIM LOSING HIS SON AND THEN HIS FAMILY! |
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License to Wed Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-10-31 Robin Williams was funny last sometime in the 1980s when all the planets lined up and he got a really good coke dealer, he was last tolerable sometime in the 90s between Aladdin and Patch Adams, and he was last credible as a human being about 10 minutes before Bicentennial Man started. There's no real reason for him to be anything more than an infomercial pitchman by now. Yet the joke stealing comedy black hole still gets jobs. |
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World Trade Center Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nerdlinger 2007-10-31 Directed by Oliver Stone, World Trade Center gives new meaning to the word 'boring'. I think we should petition Webster's Dictionary and Oxford to officially append the entry for 'boring' to include an alternate meaning, which would be "the film World Trade Center directed by Oliver Stone". |
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30 Days of Night Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2007-10-30 Niles and company present a type rarely seen in vampire fiction - the uncouth hillbilly type. So far no reason to decry it, since as an archetype it's certainly not 'too much blood on the knob'. But 30 Days of Night takes this redneck vampire thing and completely fucks it up by throwing in pretentious aspects which bog down the concept and result in a bunch of nonthreatening Eurotrashery. First of all, there's the decision to subtitle all of the vampire dialogue and have them speak in either Klingon or some dialect from an abused group in Eastern Europe (so anything but Serbian). |
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Return of the Living Dead IV: Necropolis Review |
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Return of the Living Dead IV: Necropolis Review by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-10-28 We at the Raider often mock cheap horror films for shooting in Eastern Europe in order to cut down on production costs and shoot their latest atrocities in secret, but Necropolis in particular deserves a ton of scorn for its outsourcing nearly all of the jobs to Romania. This can be seen by, despite it taking place in America, an insane number of supporting characters who speak in thick Eastern European accents. Not just the Russians from the opening. Employees of Hydra Tech, security guards, thugs, random civilians...you name someone outside the main cast, you're going to get a Romanian. |
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Saw IV Review |
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by: Doom 2007-10-27 At this point, characterizing Jigsaw as a loser who needs pussy post haste seems a better fit than anything else Saw IV tries to say about the late killer. I may not be an expert on human behavior, but I think you should try for some muff before you plan out your succumbing to cancer so precisely that you actually put a fucking tape in your body so the coroner can play it once you're autopsied. Or anything, really. Build model airplanes. Read a book. Do something, for God's sake. |
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Evan Almighty Review |
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by: Doom, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-10-26 Evan Almighty follows Evan Baxter, aka Steve Carell, a recently elected Congressman who...I don't fucking know. There's no premise to follow this shit until Evan begins seeing things and engaging in strange behavior. No, he doesn't become a serial killer, a serial womanizer, or Ted Stevens; he becomes gay for God! Specifically, God by way of Morgan Freeman tells him to build an ark. Now, if you're thinking what I thought during the film, you're wondering why the fuck Congressman Evan didn't just contract out the construction of the ark to Halliburton or one of the other admin fav. companies. The answer to that question is...Evan Almighty never explains it. |
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Doctor Strange Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-10-25 The film, to its credit, keeps that basic premise. Yet it adds in stupid, stupid details. For example, Strange isn't a bastard because he's a bastard (like, say, Dr. House is). He's a bastard because he failed to save his ailing sister. OH NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, DAD! [goes to room, plays The Black Parade] You'd think he would have underwent the journey through mysticism in order to bring back his sister. It all becomes pretty ridiculous when his memory of his sister begins to border on something previously reserved for the South or Fox Mulder. Shit, even Iraq limits it to cousins marrying. |
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The Return Review |
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by: Dizz 2007-10-24 Yes, loyal readers, the time has finally arrived. The review I promised DOOM almost a year ago is finally finished. The Return is possibly the most boring film I've ever seen. Sure, The Messengers was bad, but this movie reaches into levels of awfulness I have never seen before and hopefully will never see again. |
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Anchorman Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-10-23 Apparently, Anchorman: The Unfunniness of Ron Burgandy is, apparently, part one of a trilogy Ferrell calls the "Mediocre American Man Trilogy". The films aren't related as such (the second being Talladega Nights: The Etc. of Someone), but they feature recurring elements, or show proof of Will Ferrell's inability to think outside his very, very, very tiny little box of comedic thought. Or both! |
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The Omen 2006 Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-10-22 A kid swinging. ISN'T THAT FUCKING EVIL AS HELL |
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Mars Attacks! Review |
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by: Toby Keith 2007-10-21 It was going to be called 'Jews Attack!' until the ACLU stepped in. I HATE Y'ALL ACLJEW! |
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Psycho 1998 Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-10-20 Gus Van Sant, well known for Crimes Against Cinema, has indeed many marks on his record indicating a career of 'too much blood on the knob'. But what's the biggest piece of shit he's helped to contribute to? The 'what does this mean' verisuck Elephant? 'And a white man will lead them' Finding Forrester? Not veiled at all riff on overrated navel gazer Kurt Cobain's death (Last Days)? Good-only-for-its-Burroughs-cameo Drugstore Cowboy? Nope. None of them. They all pale in comparison to Gus Van Sant's biggest thing, his 1998 remake of Psycho. |
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Deep Blue Sea Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2007-10-19 Any way you slice it, killer sharks are fucking worthless. It, what, heightens their hunting abilities? They're already good at hunting. Allows them to kill humans? Killing Michael Rapaport doesn't show as a sign of intelligence, just refined taste (not in the food sense; Rapaport's terrible food, all stringy and monster makeup Ted Danson-y). |
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Identity Review |
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by: Doom 2007-10-18 Yeah, so, people dying. Since we don't care about any of these people, they're merely chunks of torsos meant to be fed into the meat grinder, save Cusack and perhaps Ray Liotta (the cop who may not be all that he seeeeeeeeeeems). The audience also learns some dark secrets. The aforementioned Cusack used to be a cop bit, Liotta's in actuality a criminal, the owner of the motel's a scam artist who found the real owner's dead body and decided to take over and put the body in the fridge, shit like that. Again, the dark secrets don't matter if you have no connections to the cookie cutter arch roles in the first place. |
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Resident Evil 3: Extinction Review |
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Resident Evil 3: Extinction Review by: Doom, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2007-10-17 Do you remember when the Resident Evil movies actually had zombies in them and not just shots of Milla Jovovich running or being all action-y? ...Yeah, me neither. |
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The Covenant Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-10-16 Caleb is the leader guy who's also the main character. He's cute and attracts the attention of the new girl in school. Reid's the rebel. Tyler's the shy one. And Pogue is Caleb's best friend and the brooding loner type despite having a girlfriend. If the descriptions seem superficially related to Dreamcatcher, it's because they are. That one ALSO had four friends who got magic powers somehow and used their powers to create a neverending bond of friendship. Problem is, there's no Duddits around to shit his pants or yell "I DUDDITS". |
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Rob Zombie's Halloween Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2007-10-15 John Carpenter was a no-name director trying to eke out an existence in the big Hollywood game. That was until he helmed a film titled Halloween and became famous enough to helm such classic movies as The Thing and Escape from New York and pieces of shit like the rest of his career. Rob Zombie, however, helmed a "rock" band named White Zombie and after releasing a song aptly titled "Dragula" he decided to become a big city director and helmed such, uh, "movies" as House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects. |
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Good Luck Chuck Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2007-10-14 WORST. THING. EVER. |
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The Others Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-10-13 Nicole Kidman must take care of her monster children and hire new servants. Sounds simple, right? Not when there's evil on the loose! Things such as doors locking when they're supposed to be unlocked and doors being unlocked when they're supposed to be locked. I dunno if I'd call that 'evil on the loose', unless the person seeing the evil is autistic and can't stand someone undoing their work of locking/unlocking doors. |
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Soul Plane Review |
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by: Doom, Commando and Black Goliath 2007-10-12 With this plot quality, Soul Plane is like a more cynical version of the Inner Party's kaleidoscopic media arrangements in 1984. The very worst of culture converges to form an aggregate tumor manifestation of society, reflecting all that is cruel and evil and base about the human race. |
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Hide and Seek Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-10-11 The fucking 'the killer is you' is so fucking boring at this point I wish De Niro actually fought some sort of imaginary ghost man named Charlie who wanted to become a real boy through some bizarre body switching experience. It'd be shitty, but a different kind of shitty. And maybe then Robbie the Washed Up wouldn't subject us to his version of Jack Torrance (which is about as scary as if Danny DeVito played Henry Lee Lucas). |
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Raider/Counter-Raider: 300 |
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by: Bill O'Reilly, Gay Ultron and Osama bin Adam Reed 2007-10-10 Talking Points
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Hostel 2 Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-10-09 Anyone who wants to see torture on a mass scale committed by punk assholes with no accountability can just go to Iraq and take the Blackwater tour of death and destruction. |
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Primeval Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2007-10-07 Hollywood's run out of ideas for serial killers. Most of the good ones have been used already - Manson, Gein, Bundy, Wayne Gacy, and those who haven't have inspired fictional killers already. Hell, even Gus Van Hack's done one on the Columbine boys. So Hollywood's left with two options - one, think of new ideas, and two - move on to non-human serial killers. I think we all fucking know which option they took. |
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Dracula 3000 Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Black Goliath 2007-10-06 Watching Dracula 3000 put me on another plane of consciousness, a plane of consciousness I could not reach with the strongest drugs. I mean, for fuck's sake, it's Dracula 3000. Once you let something like Dracula 3000, there's no real point in reality have any pretensions. Dracula 3000? Sure. Zippers in the sky? Why not! Penis space stations that reflect killer radio waves onto the planet's surface? Go ahead! Bats just exploding at random? Let's all go for a spin! A just and loving God? Hey, let's not go nuts. |
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Wrong Turn 2 Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-10-05 The explanation/origin for the villains leads into the requisite B-movie attempt at social commentary. Like the rest of the film, no one really tried to make it good, memorable or original. Lots of B-movies display the 'environmental dumping bad'. Before it became trendy to do so, even! This one's about 30-40 years too late, however, and does the derivative thing in an oddly stupid way. As mentioned before...paper mill? Really? A fucking paper mill? What the fuck's a paper mill supposed to represent? The crushing stronghold Big Paper's got on West Virginia, turning citizens into monsters for profit? |
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Wrong Turn Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-10-04 It's not every horror film you get to see deformed hicks cannibalize 20-something yuppies from the city. It's every other horror film. And that just about sums up Wrong Turn which, while not the worst horror film I've seen, certainly places well towards the top in terms of most generic. The film's incredibly straightforward in execution. |
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Dreamcatcher Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-10-03 DUDDITS SMASH |
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The Messengers Review |
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by: Dizz 2007-10-02 WATCH OUT, BITCH, THE FARM IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!! |
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Gamebox 1.0 Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-10-01 Remember Stay Alive? Many of you may have groaned all throughout it, but I personally loved it, in a detached, ironic sort of a way. A rarity, really, for most movies that're 'so bad they're good' are actually just really, annoyingly bad. Alas, it seems they can't leave well enough alone, as some hack directors somehow ripped off Stay Alive, went back in time, and made a shitty piece of shit known to the world better as Gamebox 1.0, or 200Suck: A Forced Attempt To Court Video Gamers By Acknowledging Video Games Exist And Employing Them In Clichéd Situations And Scenarios. |
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Superman: Doomsday Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nerdlinger 2007-09-30 Lois and Superman dated for six months before his death and Lois still didn't know his secret identity. Christ, good thing Superman never had a pair of glasses accidentally fall onto his face. Anyway, people are sad, Daily Planet crumbles, blah blah blah. Jimmy gets a job at the National Voyeur in a subplot that lasts about 1 1/2 scenes and Lois meets Clark/Superman's mother and figures out the truth after Clark doesn't come into work the days after Superman's death. MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE ALSO LOOKED AT SUPERMAN'S PICTURE AND DRAWN GLASSES ON IT. |
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Stan Lee's The Condor Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2007-09-26 I have never seen anything quite like the degree of stereotypes presented in The Condor. There's the Mexicans, who all speak the 'bro, ese, holmes' type dialect, and of course one of Tony's best Hispanic friends is a member of a gang, because 50% of all Hispanics in America belong to some vaguely defined street gang who, in animation, never seems as threatening or as life changing as the real thing. |
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United 93 Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nerdlinger 2007-09-26 Eventually, some of the passengers do find out what's going on and decide to STOP THE TERRARISTS. It is at this point that United 93 shifts gears once again and morphs into a zombie film mixed with a disaster film. Seriously. The passengers (the whitest and most masculine, natch) shamble to the cockpit, ganging up on terrorists guarding the cockpit, claw at the door, shout "BRAINS" (or not, I don't remember), break open the door and begin clawing at the pilots until the plane goes into a swandive and FADE TO BLACK. |
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The Bourne Ultimatum Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-09-26 The main theme of The Bourne Ultimatum seems to have something to do with the government betraying those who serve them or something like that. You know, the whole Vietnam "they spat on us" thing. See, it doesn't work so well in the present day because whereas disillusionment was common in Vietnam because drafted kids had no reason to fight, the people enlisted now do so of their own volition, proving they're crazy and don't need a reason to kill people. |
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Delta Farce Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-09-12 The three are actually part of one of Georgia's reserve divisions, The Sleeping Marmots (formerly the Lazy Niggers until Comrade Bill Clinton made them change it in 1998), who somehow dodged their mobilization call. So they go to drink at the base alone every weekend, like the majority of the Army Reserve pre-Iraq War, until central command needs even more troops for the Freedom Grinder. I bet the Army wishes it had a lot of drunk rednecks who missed mobilization in real life. |
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1408 Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-09-03 Watch out, bitch, the hotel room's behind you! |
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The Simpsons Movie Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2007-08-25 The plot shouldn't be hard to figure out for anyone aware of the show's decline these past 15 years. Most shows these days involve Lisa on a hippie liberal cause, or Homer getting a new job, or Homer and Marge experiencing marital strife. Due to the need for a long plotline in the movie, this plot contains elements of all three. Way to be creative, writers! Homer takes in a pig and hilarity does not ensue. |
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Talk to Me Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2007-08-25 Stay. Roll over. ...Act? Yes, Don Cheadle manages to act in Talk to Me. He beats the fucking hell out of the one talking dog who was able to say "I love you". He plays the role of Petey Greene in much the same manner as every other fucking role he ever plays; raspy voice, glistening eyes, a troubled soul, and endless panting (although I suppose being an annoying one-dimensional jackass differs from his roles as a straight man in Reign Over Me, Hotel Rwanda and everything else). I guess you really can't teach an old dog new tricks. |
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Monty Python and the Holy Grail Review |
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Monty Python and the Holy Grail Review by: The Fanboy 2007-08-18 Graham Chapman must be spinning in his grave, even though he was alive during the production of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and was by all accounts pleased by the final product. Don't punch holes through my overdramatic invoking!
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Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Review |
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Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Review by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-08-18 Ruh roh, Harry! Loose lips let the Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere win and Japanize the Western World! |
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Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters Review |
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Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters Review by: Osama bin Adam Reed and Hitler Devil Thompson 2007-08-18 Jewish non-garbage! |
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The Shining Review |
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by: Josiah X 2007-08-05 The Shining is often hailed by film critics - or as I call them, honkies – as creating a new breed of horror film, eschewing the body count or the cheesiness inherent in 70s horror in favor of more atmosphere and disturbing imagery. This may seem good when you first think about it, but that's if you've been brainwashed by the Jew media (which you have if you watch TV, go to public school, private school, or read newspapers). If you haven't, well, you know 'a new breed' is just code for a new way for the white race to oppress the black race. Oh snap, we got ourselves new shackles now! |
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Fantastic Four 2 Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-07-25 This is a bad movie, a bad, bad movie, with so many bad events, characters, and toys they are trying to peddle to bad, ugly children that I am completely saddened by its existence. If only it could have been as good as the first, then it would only have been terrible rather than the abysmal mess it turned out to be. Jack Kirby must be spinning in the gutter he was buried in. |
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Mr. Brooks Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-06-20 Dane Cook gets fingered as the Thumbprint Killer, meaning Brooks can live his life free of suspicion or a police investigation. The movie ends with the Joker robbing a bank and the Brookssignal appearing in the sky. I will leave it up to you to choose whether you believe that last line or not. |
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Oldboy Review |
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by: Dizz 2007-06-06 "a wanna be action film , with subtitles 5 stars i think not ill give it one star for few good fights , while looking very fake they did take few chances here and for that ill give them a star , as far the rest these reviews , they seem paided off cause i saw nothen to warent 5 stars . wanna see a good movie on revenge try payback . want to see sick movie about stored hate check out american history x , the bite the curb part at start of that film .this movie could have been 5 stars with a real budget cast and no subtitles." |
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Ghost Ship Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-05-29 The most interesting character has to be the Ferriman, aka the Soul Collector, aka Evil Spirit Man. It's not so much because he's interesting, but because the other choices are Alien cast-offs or cast-offs from any other 'crack team investigates something weiiiiird' movie. The process of elimination gives us Evil Spirit Man. He appears at first to be an average member of the very average salvage crew, until he reveals to Maureen that he's actually a collector of souls, or Satan, or God, or whatever. |
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Grim Reaper Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-05-28 You know, I could just go on about how unoriginal the film is. But I don't feel like it. Instead of running down the list of the many number of films Grim Reaper ripped off, I'm gonna do something a little bit different. I'm going to list titles this film definitely did not steal from. Citizen Kane. The girl has no sled named Rosebud, never becomes successful, never dies, and the actress playing her will never be directed by Orson Welles, even if he came back from the dead right now. |
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Freddy vs. Jason Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-05-27 Like all team-up/versus stories, the 'turn' makes little to no sense. Freddy's back, Jason's killing...shouldn't everyone be happy? Is Freddy really such an egotist that he refuses to share the love? The constraints of the formula require Freddy to act retardedly in order to create a vendetta between the two that really shouldn't exist in the first place. Under ANY inspection, the premise becomes inane and untenable. |
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Hostel 2: Turistas Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-05-26 John Stockwell. What can be said about a man whose sole talent in life is making it seem like teenagers are slowly being cut to pieces for some reason? Well, you could start by calling him a talentless waste of space and working your way from there. But knowing America (and I know America pretty damn well), he's going to be called the next Alfred Hitchcock or whosits (you know, the fat guy who directed Misery), because Americans tend to enjoy watching blood and shit rather than genuinely being scared through the use of suspense and mystery. |
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Hostel Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-05-25 Eli Roth. What can be said about a man whose sole talent in life is making it seem like teenagers are slowly being cut to pieces for some reason? Well, you could start by calling him a talentless waste of space and working your way from there. But knowing America (and I know America pretty damn well), he's going to be called the next Alfred Hitchcock or whosits (you know, the fat guy who directed Misery), because Americans tend to enjoy watching blood and shit rather than genuinely being scared through the use of suspense and mystery. |
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The Hills Have Eyes 2 Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-05-24 Other things don't add up here. Such as what's with the nerd recruit trying to weasel out of his National Guard service? Unless he did so as a drunken prank and promptly wanted out, the last time I checked, we don't have a draft. Secondly, a National Guard under federal jurisdiction doesn't exist. That's called the military. The National Guard answers to specific states, not the federal government. This is shit I know, and I'm a peacenik hippie who's never even raised a gun at someone before. |
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Hostel 3: Vacancy Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-05-23 Never lodge at Best Western. |
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The Ring Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Nixon 2007-05-22 The whole methodology of the curse is, let's go out and say it, retarded as well. It seems as though the writers threw together the most random series of effects watching the video could have upon you. First, immediately after the video ends, a phone rings. AND THERE'S NO ONE ON THE LINE. SCARY, KIDS, RIGHT?!!? I know I'm fucked up after a string of hang ups or games of ding dong ditch. I mean, it could either be some impish kids playing a joke...OR EVIL!!! |
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Evil Bong Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-05-21 Evil Bong is one of those rare breeds of horror that tries to cross genres - specifically, a horror/comedy hybrid. Suffice it to say, it fails on both accounts. In fact, the comedy is so boring, you'd literally have to be high to laugh at it. And even then it's still a crapshoot. The first clear bit of comedy comes when the lazy stoner - you know, that one - dies and the gang must hide him ala Weekend at Bernie's. Classic hijinks, yet Charles Band (director, writer, Gingerdead Man) manages to make it tiresome and moronic. |
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Hellraiser VII Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-05-20 Hellraiser VII: Deader isn't actually one of those hilarious fake titles we put in to confuse and mystify you. They literally called it Deader and thought, "You know, this is a damn good title. Let's all get blowjobs and cheap Scotch." THE REALM BETWEEN JOKES AND REALITY HAS COLLAPSED. Yeah...this won't end or begin well. |
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Taxi Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-05-19 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! |
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Spider-Man 3 Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-05-19 But why should I be disappointed, though, really? I should've expected such horrible directing from Sam Raimi. The guy ruined Evil Dead by turning Army of Darkness into a comedy, and The Gift did not fit Dawson's Creek continuity AT. ALL. |
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See No Evil Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-05-18 Acting. Uh, can we consider Kane an 'actor'? I guess we must, since wrestling isn't actually real. But on the other hand, wrestling is so fucking poorly acted it's hard to call anything in wrestling 'acting'. Yet another the other other hand, their material doesn't give them much to work with (someone puked into a fountain pen and gave said pen to the monkeyhouse; a week later, Smackdown scripts). |
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Halloween H20 Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-05-17 Next, in Halloween 9: Unprotected: Michael is in trouble when he gets a girl pregnant. Especially when he wants to abort the baby and she wants to keep it. Why can't that man understand it's HER choice. Sunday at 8 on the Lifetime Network. |
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Halloween Resurrection Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-05-16 At least the producers didn't decide to switch up the familiar Halloween formula of gore and horror. Far too often, movies try 'suspense' and 'slow boil' in the wake of popular Japanese horror (or Japhor for short) remakes sweeping America. Resurrection is basically a time capsule of what people thought was scary in 1986: a brutish, possibly Hispanic man killing white people with plenty of promise and bright futures ahead of them. And a black man manipulating white kids into dying. |
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Spider-Man 3 Review |
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by: Doom 2007-05-15 Best movie ever. |
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The Faculty Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-05-15 Another lesson that can be taken away from this film is very plain to see: Don't trust the new kid. A wise choice for everyone in a high school today, since those are the places most new kids appear. How do you know that person from another "state" isn't really an alien bent of world domination? You don't. This is the reason why it is fine for people to persecute those who are new to schools, it is simply a process by which to determine if they really are aliens or not. |
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Secret Window Review |
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by: Doom and Nixon 2007-05-14 Johnny Depp is beloved by girls of all stripes because he's supposedly dreamy and, like, totally deep. Me, I've never liked him much. He's not entertaining and most of his roles are rubbish. Like him as the gay pirate in Pirates of the Carribean (which somehow got an OSCAR NOMINATION) or Willy the Child Molester in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The list goes on. Here he's pretty much one note as a pastiche of J.D. Salinger and every other bum guy who has cheetos stuck on his robe you've ever had the misfortune of meeting. |
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Walking Tall 2 Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2007-05-14 How bad does this suck? Well, let's just say they couldn't even get the Rock to star in this turkey. And he literally stars in anything. The Scorpion King, for God's sake! And The Rundown with the guy from Dude, Where's My Car? who isn't Ashton Kutcher. Clearly, we're in for a rollicking bad time. |
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The Condemned Review |
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by: Doom, Generalissimo Furioso and Black Goliath 2007-05-14 There are certain things that are inevitable in life: death, taxes and stupidity. There is a certain level of intelligence that is necessary to realize wrestling is stupid. It's been stupid since the Greeks did it 3000 years ago (naked and greased up, no less) and it's stupid as fuck today (only with sparklers and spandex). Unfortunately, people like watching people beat up other people while wearing sparkly costumes. |
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White Noise 2 Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-05-13 Failing to kill the hippie teen causes him to kill several others and now there is only one person left. After a few scenes he is eventually able to kill her with his ghost powers (he is dead at this point) and saves an oil tanker from exploding. All the souls then go to heaven and Kaine is killed by some ghosts in the psychiatric ward. An all around happy ending. Or stupid. Your choice. |
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Disturbia Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2007-05-07 There's some more fake-out bullshit of "How could you possibly suspect him of being a murderer even though you video record him harassing a prostitute and you should really go to the cops with this one you stupid piece of shit" that comes with the territory of ripping off a classic and dumbing it down for modern audiences. And watch as LaBeouf tries to alert the cops only to be shook off because off a previous incident involving a false alarm attributed to his ankle bracelet going off! I love it. Oh, wait, no I don't. |
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Reign Over Me Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-04-27 WAPNER KILLED 3,000! WAPNER WAPNER WAPNER! |
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Are We Done Yet? Review |
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by: Barack Obama 2007-04-18 I think Are We Done Yet? sums up my political campaign perfectly - man gets hit in crotch by raccoon...for AMERICA. The well-being of ALL people, not just 'the poor' or 'the needy'. |
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Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Review |
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Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Review by: The Fangirl 2007-04-05 I mean, the game arguably had the most original, fleshed out and overall best story in the history of video games. Final Fantasy X came close, but I always go with the classics ^.^! In fact, I say that it has an even better story than most of those boring ol' classics that they force me to read in community college! BETTER THAN LORD OF THE RINGS EVEN!!!!! |
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The Number 23 Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-03-29 This book follows a detective named Fingerling who gets into all sorts of trouble involving a woman obsessed with the number 23, a professor, and lots of other shit oddly paralleling Jim Carrey's life. SPOILER: HE IS FINGERLING. I knew it from the start. You know how I know? In the Fingerling segments, Jim Carrey (aka the Walter Sparrow character) plays the Fingerling character. And the girl Fingerling murders is played by Virginia Madsen, aka Walter Sparrow's wife. DUN DUN DUN. See, didn't take a fucking genius in deductive reasoning at all! |
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Ghost Rider Review |
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by: Doom 2007-03-27 The villain this time is Blackheart. Remember Blackheart? He looked all gnarly and had spikes and a tail and all that shit. You'll be shocked to find out they didn't reproduce his comic book look for the film. Instead, Blackheart resembles the guy from My Chemical Romance (you know, the faggy looking one) or Flabber from Big Bad Beetleborgs. Yeah, when I think scary villain, I think eyeshadow and pale skin. |
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Borat Review |
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by: Jedi Guardian 2007-03-24 If this news of Borat getting sued is not shocking to you, I have more. Turkey has officially banned Borat from their cinemas, along with most of the Turks wanting to assassinate Sacha for portraying the Balkans/Central Asian countries as being anti-Semitic, even though Sacha (that means Ali G, Bruno and Borat) himself is Jewish. Damn, way to downgrade yourself even more since the fall of the Ottoman empire, Turkey! |
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Van Wilder 2 Review |
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by: Nixon 2007-03-10 They (and by 'they' I mean the writers) also clearly have a very poor idea of what Britain is (beyond that place where they done speak American funny), as most British jokes involve the concept of old men wearing wigs and long black robes, generic European objects (suits of armor, swords), or, my favorite, characters simply talking about how British they are. Yes, the writers sometimes felt so compelled as to have the British stereotypes mention just how British they were as if the audience might forget and/or not appreciate how much their being British brings to the film. |
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Lightspeed Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-02-22 He seemingly gets his powers from a titanium pelvis doused in radiation which supposedly meant to accelerate the healing process of his damaged tissue. Python makes a visit to the hospital, however, cranks up the radiation, and seemingly gives David his super powers to heal as well as run really fast. This really doesn't make sense to me because the light of the radiation was pointed directly at his crotch. In reality he would have testicular cancer, at least, and if he was given a super power it would be that his penis would be able to change into any shape on command. |
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Epic Movie Review |
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by: Doom 2007-02-17 This is like an MC Escher painting, only more convoluted and pointless. |
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Casino Royale Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2007-01-22 Somewhere along the way, EON forgot who to make James Bond movies for. Not the 'mass audience' or 'people with money'...the fans are who the film should be geared towards. ONLY the fans. Not anyone else. If you make it for someone else, you risk completely destroying the very tightly-knit continuity the series is known for. And if you lose the continuity, what's the point of telling the story to begin with? |
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Stan Lee's Mosaic Review |
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by: Doom 2007-01-12 NOT LOBDELL AGAIN. |
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Rocky VI Review |
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by: Doom and the Red Fox 2007-01-12 Ol' Sly falls way short of showing any technical skill as director. His directing style relies on idle shots instead of anything resembling action or excitement. Rocky VI is the bored stroll on a Sunday afternoon of movies when it comes to composition. Hell, Rocky VI may be the first film to lose no narrative consistency from the translation from movie to Viewmaster set. Except for the fast-motion boxing match finale, which seems to me to be an error Sly made in the ol' editing room. |
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