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Livejournal Moron of the Week 8: Crazy Cat Lady
http://asininehopes.livejournal.com/
by Nixon and the Red Fox
Oh, Crazy Cat Lady. Reading her journal was like delving into some world of bizarre, and generally frightening, contradictions. Apparently she:
- Has gone to prison.
- Is a lesbian/isn't but wants to be.
- Hates immigrants.
- Sounds generally Republican because of the above.
- Is one of those crazy pet people that will eventually end up being arrested for owning 65 cats.
Apparently illegal immigrants just because they aren't citizens are also not people! Haha! Hilarious.
See, contradictions. Having gone to prison and being gay would generally be two strikes against being some semi-right wing nut job, but, well, miracles can happen.
One of the things we noticed in reviewing her journal was that if she wants to be a lesbian, she doesn't really understand that lesbians are "attracted to women". See, she lists Hillary Swank as one of the hottest women she has seen. Well I got bad news for Crazy Cat Lady, but Hillary Swank is a man. Yes, I know, she got Best Actress for Million Dollar Baby but Hollywood has made errors in the past. And this is clearly one of them, since we all know she was meant to get Best Actor.
Wow, prison really fuck this chick up royally! I don't really know what she was sent there for, maybe for some simple theft or maybe from throwing a cat at somebody causing them to run into a street and get hit by a car, but there is surely some strange things that happened to her. First of all she is very, very gay, yet prefers the company of cats rather than that of humans. I'm guessing that, before going to prison, she probably lived with her parents and had a cat that was her best friend, because she was butt ugly. After her minor infraction with the law, her parents decided it would be better to send her to jail than pay off her court costs and, after having a cell mate named Big Bertha, or something similar, she was turned into a lesbian. All that seemed to hold her sanity was the fact that she had her cats waiting for her when she got out, but her parents had them euthanized because they hate their daughter. The last remains of her sanity gone, she went to live in some shitty apartment and bought several million cats in hopes of bringing back her lost childhood. Now, with the power of the internet and television, she has returned to her lesbian ways and now wants to have sex with every female tennis star out there, and furries too, can't forget the furries.
In all honesty though it wasn't her prison lesbianism that made us love Crazy Cat Lady. Or even, the fact that she was Crazy Cat Lady. No, what we loved was her views on immigration, and to a lesser extent, drug rehabilitation. You see, this lady just loves to hate those immigrants, mainly because of how they are ruining the republican America that this woman helped to build. Since, of course, this would limit the amount of cheep labor in the country, it could be focused on those of a somewhat similar intelligence, yet, Caucasian nature. That's right, the drug addicts. When not suffering from the early symptoms of withdrawal, these crazy bastards could be used to landscape local parks and serve you food at McDonalds, trust me they would be a great improvement over the current workers there. I mean, if she wasn't a crazy cat throwing weirdo, she could run for President on the Republican ticket, her views are just that crazy.
An artist's conception of what Crazy Cat Lady may look like.
Crazy Cat Lady isn't the most insane person we have seen, everything pales in comparison to pheowulf, but she certainly wins the "most contradictory".
View previous Livejournal Morons of the Week:
Week 1: Exnine
Week 2: Imortal Misery
Week 3: Malibu Stacy
Week 4: Usagi Kou
Week 5: Billy Corgan
Week 6: Dante the Furry
Week 7: Pheowulf