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Livejournal Moron of the Week #14: This Accurately Describes What I Am Feeling
by Misery McGee Painford the 3rd
Doom asked me to write this because "These fuckwads remind me of what a stupid, worthless pussy of an androgynous whatever you are." Despite how his cruel phrase reminded me of how, like, hateful these stupid conformists are, it also rang true because this is a community that is about self injury icons, and self injury is about the only thing I do well in this pain filled joyless existence people call "life". The people are just like me too! They wear nail polish, recite poetry and know that existence is pointless for anything other than fostering Jhonen Vazquez comics. Since the icons are the basis of the community, I'll be posting some of the icons and talking about how I feel about how totally deep and meaningful they are.
Goddess, this one is so accurate it's like it was subconsciously made by me. Whenever adults or other people ask me what's wrong, I'm always thinking that there's no way ANY of these people would EVER be able to understand what I've gone through my whole life. How could any of these people know heartbreak, loss, the media perverting what physical appearance should be like or poor grades? Obviously only I and people in my Anne Rice book club know what it's like. My dad once tried to talk to me, but how could he know anything about what I'm feeling? When HE was my age he was having fun with all of his friends in some Asian country. He certainly never had to suffer through final exams.
So so so so accurate. Other than my Anne Rice book club, the Invader Zim livejournal community, the Joss Whedon Myspace group, there's really no one that I talk to, so the blade is my only companion. All of my friends feel the same about it too. My blade does everything for me. When I use it, it brings me attention from other people. People are more interested when my blade's around and its cuts are seen on my wrist and arms. Not that I use the blade for attention, no, I do it so I can feel something real. Only my blade can do that, that and all the medication I take so I don't feel so depressed.
When I started cutting, it was to impress a boy - or maybe it was a girl, I don't remember. They didn't notice me at all so I figured if they saw I was bleeding they'd at least make some comment to me. I was right. In the best moments of my life, my love said to me, "Hey, it looks like you're bleeding profusely. You should probably get that looked at." They never said anything to me after that, and never even assisted in helping me, but the moments before I was knocked unconscious due to blood loss, those moments were bliss.
Operation Orange, if you're a conformist who DOESN'T know, is a way of identifying other cutters, by wearing orange beads as a sign of solidarity amongst the cutter nation. We demand equal rights, because apparently suicide is 'illegal' in this country, and that if you kill yourself you risk life in prison. That's just wrong. Why shouldn't I be entitled to end my life if I so choose, because I got a 70 on my Math test, for example? Cutters should also be able to freely cut in public without being mocked or beaten up. Goddess, it's just like how blacks or gays were discriminated against, only worse because it's affecting me AND the rest of the fanbase for Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. If cutters can unite, then maybe we can become treated as first-class citizens. Operation Orange also helps to unite cutters just by being able to know who cuts. I know that after wearing my orange beads I've been invited to many a cutting party [Doom thought it'd be funny to call it a "box-cutter social", but he just doesn't understand my pain].
If you're feeling pain like I am, which is unlikely due to how totally unique my problems are, you should go to the Self Injury icons community because it will give you a visual for all your pain, or, as Doom says, "It's a picture that will sum up your bitching so people don't have to read that worthless shit anymore."
View previous Livejournal Morons of the Week: