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by Expendable Sony Executive #524
Behind God, the most loved entity in the world right now is Sony. And don't worry, we intend to usurp the popularity of silly religious deities soon enough. This brings me to my next point, a point I made to the rest of the editorial board: why focus on a few bands of anti-Sony radicals when we could instead reward the many who worship our products literally? Previous, Sony rewarded customers loyal to the cause by injecting a Sony product barcode into the base of their neck, and then slowly assimilate a certain product in them for the purpose of creating a super-PS2 or such, but 'laws' supposedly prohibit rampant genetic tampering. Instead, we seek to give honor to those loyal soldiers of the Sony infantry by dedicating a new section of the Daily Raider to them: Livejournal Moron of the Week. No, that won't do, how about Livejournal GENIUS of the Week? Much better. Let us begin the first celebration of Sony lionization by focusing on a livejournal community dedicated to the third best system in existence, the Sony PSP. I'll be answering some of the questions posed in entries of the community.
A very good question, one deserving an answer! As you know, we here at Sony love all our products, as a father loves all his children. But even we must admit some of our children are technologically and aesthetically better than other children. It fosters competition between the children and leads to better products for the consumer. The new ceramic white PSP has a better volume system, a higher directional pad and higher buttons. No, I won't out and out say people who continue to buy the original black PSP are morons, but one can assume a lot about a person if they choose not to purchase an obviously superior product. So, again, I recommend buying a ceramic PSP white if you have the money to do so. If you lack the necessary funds, use your welfare checks on a nice PSP black. It may not look good at a country club, but it's certainly suitable for the ghetto.
Due to my genetics and due to Sony being perfect, I am unable to admit any fault with the PSP firmware, nor can I admit any fault with a PSP itself. So the fault must be levied at you. Shame on you, yellowperil, for obviously defiling your PSP to the point where it can no longer play mp3s after resuming from sleep mode. The only suggestion I'm allowed to give you is: buy a new PSP, and buy three more PSPs to compensate for your heinous crimes against Playstationmanity. Ugh, just thinking about you sickens me. To everyone else, update the PSP firmware, because 2.80 has the ability to create candy out of thin air. If anyone uses this quote against me, I'll claim it was taken out of context.
Ah, yes, finally, someone asking about our wonderful new LocationFree program. Let me explain the process of the LocationFree for the uninitiated Sonyiacs: By connecting to the LocationFree program, a PSP user is able to watch a recorded TV program or a DVD in their DVD player without actually having to be there at the time! Of course, for it to work, your television and DVD player need to be Sony products, but I'm assuming like all good Americans the poster owns only Sony multimedia home entertainment products. The LocationFree base station [$500] hooks up to audio and visual signals from a TV or DVD player, and then feeds it to an LCD screen [$500 for a good, Sony-compatible one]. The LocationFree system additionally collects information on the user's social security number, purchase habits, check card PIN, all kinds of information any unscrupulous individual can and will use for their own gain. That's why the good people at Sony are taking the information from you in order to ensure it stays safe from identity theft criminals or companies overly concerned with market research.
No, no, no, no, no. Madhero is obviously confused by the new Sony innovation: nonsound. Basing itself on Stephen Hawking's wild scientific theories, nonsound works much the same way as a black hole, it existing sound out of the universe. The headphone system is what we call plussound, working as a white hole, as seen in Red Dwarf. Thus, the sound sucked out of the universe when not using the headphones is spit out as plussound. It's a brilliant way of storing sound, and I'm not just saying that because I'm paid to say it. You cannot fix the nonsound we created, in fact, we said the exact same thing to scientists angry about our 'apparent inclination to play God'. Is it playing God when you work for a company better than God?
Snipers are descending from your rooftop as I type this.
I had a great time explaining the mission statement of Sony and I hope you had a similarly great time learning how great Sony is, though I'm unsure of why you would 'learn' it as it is common knowledge for myself and all of Howard Stringer's loyal drones.
View previous Livejournal Morons of the Week: