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Livejournal Moron of the Week 22: Greg the Fuckhead
by Doom
Stupid assholes are everywhere, but especially on the Internet. The best kind of these assholes, or at least the kind that makes me laugh the most is the drama assholes. Here's the difference between someone who is a normal functional human being and a drama asshole.
Normal human being: "Argh! Stubbed my toe." [ignores it the rest of the day]
Drama Asshole: "Gasp! My toe is stubbed! The injustice of it all, what did I ever do to deserve this?! My life is so horrible! It's events like these that make me wonder why I haven't killed myself yet. I think I will write about this in my livejournal, shamelessly whoring for replies of sympathy."
This brings us to the part where I announce the newest induction to our hall of Livejournal Morons, the fucker I called Greg the Fuckhead. I don't know much about his personal life, but I assume he's a friendless loser whose interests include being depressed out by Marilyn Manson, feeling sad and whining. These are the conclusions I reached after reading way too many of his Livejournal entries, the final of which was "Christ, this guy is a drama asshole if I ever did come across one". He's written a lot of shit and much of it evokes a lot of laughter from me. So, without further ado, I give you the man whose life was once ruined through a Math test...Greg "The Fuckhead" Gregson!!!
Let me try to find the deeper meaning of this, because the post doesn't really give us much of a clue in regards to what Greg's dad actually did to him. I'm ruling out molestation and/or rape because I really doubt even the guy responsible for Greg's existence has such low standards. I bet here's what happened: "Stop with the purple nails, son. You look faggy." Greg responds: "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND DAD, YOU NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE PAIN I FELT WHEN I GOT A C IN AP ENGLISH! I HATE YOU DAD!!!!" and then runs off to his room, slamming the door shut and putting on the latest Cradle of Filth CD, "Puking in Sadness".
Yeah, I bet his dad works for a living as well as his mom, and his siblings, while unemployed, still contribute more to society than Greggy here does [i.e. something compared to nothing]. If those people are his family, yeah, I really can't see them being related to this whinebag. So I too suggest he receive a new family more like him and his outlook. Watch out, Greg, you're gonna get a family who loves Dashboard Confessional and cutting themselves in lieu of real work!
My vice is wanting to punch him in the face over and over again until his face is nothing but a pile of goo.
I originally became hip to the Gregster through this post because it encapsulates neatly the insanity behind the postings of the serial-killer-or-suicide-case-in-training. Honestly, what comment can by made to this? What can possibly top the hilarity of the entry itself? It's already a howlin' mad affair of insanity. So let's take a look at the idea of disproportionate response, as Greg suffers the affliction very regularly. It goes like this: something unfortunate happens, but then you treat it as though it's the end of the world. In this instance, a 70 on a Math test makes him "ashamed to live on this filthy planet". In many countries, this would be seen as a sign of a well-deserved stoning, but in America he's supported and sympathized with. What a country. I'd also like to comment upon his stated belonephobia and how it's well, bologna for his situation. Belonephobia is a fear of needles, something that has nothing to do with the slitting of wrists, as wrist slitting uses knives. Plus, overdoses...self-inflicted gunshot wound...droning...hanging...eventual death due to smoking...he's got tons of options! Same with self-pain. You've got your pinching, your biting, your attaching electrodes to your nipples...In the end, he's just too much of a pussy to go through with suicide.
What's your guess, for his embarrassing interest? I think he either still sucks on a pacifier OR he wears his older sister's prom dress when the rest of his family is away.
Man man man man man man man man man. Wow wow wow wow wow wow. 'Too negative'. As a criticism. I'm awestruck, honestly. I'm struck by awe. I hope he complained about 1984 being too totalitarian and Animal Farm having too many animals in it. The list goes on. This is the first of his entries where he mood even begins to approach 'positive'. It's blah, but apathy's closer to it than negativity is! POSTSCRIPT: EXPENSIVE LIP BALM. JESUS T. CHRIST.
I think I'm about done here. If Greg's reading this...kill yourself, using some of the methods I mentioned earlier in the drubbing. It won't interefere with your fear of needles, trust me.
View previous Livejournal Morons of the Week:
Week 1: Exnine Week 19: Underwater Ally 3
Week 2: Imortal Misery Week
20: Xbox Community
Week 3: Malibu Stacy
Week 21: PSP Community
Week 4: Usagi Kou
Week 5: Billy Corgan
Week 6: Dante the Furry
Week 7: Pheowulf
Week 8: Crazy Cat Lady
Week 9: Steel-Spine
Week 10: Raven55
Week 11: Sepherotica
Week 12: Family_Guy Community
Week 13: Anti-Game Community
Week 14: SIcons
Week 15: Sissy
Week 16: ComradStalin
Week 17: Weise the Naztive American
Week 18: Republican Furries