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Livejournal Moron of the Week
by Iron Man
Execute: Skullduggery Program.
If you read the latest Facebook Idiot of the Week on the Daily Raider, you'll see it's written by none other than Steve "Captain America" Rogers. The same Captain America who turned traitor against the United States and tried to stop laws from being enforced. The same Captain America who got killed off a couple days ago and has soaked up the media coverage ever since. Well, Tony A. (the A stands for Awesome, not France) Stark is not a person to be outdone by some wet brained dead man wearing an American flag on his ass. I'm going to show him, and I'm going to show everyone who bashed me during the whole superhero Civil War brou-ha-ha. Marvel painted me in a bad light, Goddamnit. You would've done the same thing in my position, and if you had a mustache of proper length, you also would've twirled it often! I'm tired of hearing you bitches complain. And I'm most certainly tired of people saying Captain Fucking America gets more pussy than me now because he's dead. No way! A billionaire industrialist gets head just for showing up at a party. You want to fight, asshole? Kids gloves are off. Call it an Internet Civil War. Bitches.
SHIELD regularly profiles these livejournal people who consider themselves fans of superheroes and the superhuman community. What can I say, Nick Fury is something of an information pack rat. The normal superhero fan writes entries about superhero sightings, comic books, the aftermath of the Civil War, things of that nature. Ayako Akatsuki is not your typical fan, however. She/he (my database does not yet contain the accurate information of their 'gender') does something else entirely - slash. Although I've been around, and although I've fucked a lot of women in many different locations and in many different positions, I was not aware of 'slash' until I checked the SHIELD databases. What I found out...it shocked the fuck out of me. It shocked me more than the 15th time my armor turned into Ultron. Slash is pairing two normally heterosexual characters together into a homosexual pairing. Now, I'm all for homosexuals. Yellowjacket is probably gay (overcompensating by growth technology) and I'm one of his best friends. But one thing Iron Man does NOT stand for is people thinking Tony fucking Stark is a faggot! Tony loves the ladies! And their pussies! Anyone who says differently is about to get a few hundred capekillers knocking at their motherfucking door.
In fact, this reminds me of the time I plowed five chicks at the same time. Some of you must be wondering "How could Tony Stark, a mere mortal, fuck five women at once?" Two words: Extremis, baby! Extremis allows my brain to run several different Iron Man suits at the same time, with none of the lag plaguing previous attempts to do so. With Happy on point as wingman (before his unfortunate demise [READ IRON MAN #14 - SHILLIN' STAN!]), I fucked an Asian, a Mexican, two blondes and...uh...a stiletto wearing Suicide Girl wannabe. Yeah. That's the ticket. I had a particularly good line back then - "I like my women fucked, not stirred." Good times, good times. See, would a gay man say something like that? No, a gay man would clone Thor and fuck him by shoving his enchanted hammer (Mjolnir, now more lubricated than ever) up his ass.
But I'm veering off topic. My sexual conquests are for another article. Ayako's livejournal is entirely in Japanese or some other Asian language. While I fuck a lot of Japanese women (for free; Tony doesn't need a fucking prostitute. Not now, not ever!), I don't know a word of any of the Asian languages. Why else do you think I always kicked the Mandarin's ass? He was probably some cabbie who wanted a tip for his trouble. But fortunately for us, the majority of this weirdo's posts center around images. Sick, sick images. Some people become superheroes because they want to do good. Others because they gained powers through an accident or birth. Still others want to become a superhero in the hopes of eventually taking over a UN-sanctioned peacekeeping organization. And some just want hot dames and plenty of 'em. The latter is me. But not all people have what it takes to become a hero, a villain, or even a person who professionally writes or draws superheroes for a bad paycheck at Marvel or DC. Some delve into...fanfiction and fanart. According to the Iron Man information database, those 'things' are for people too pathetic and sickening to do anything else with their lives. They scare me more than an old Chinese guy wearing magical rings.
Let me say to you: this is the straightest picture I found of myself on this idiot's livejournal. The straightest. And I still look faggy in it! The Iron Man no longer drinks. Why? Because he doesn't fucking need liquor to bust loose and fuck bitches anymore. Used to be Tony giving a White Russian or two to bitch of choice. Nowadays, "Director of SHIELD" is enough to get those panties moist and fallin'. I hate when people draw me metro. The mustache is not gay, people, it's totally manly. Totally. I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO YOU, I'M THE FUCKING KING OF SHIELD MOUNTAIN, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
WHAT THE FUCK? I would NEVER share a cookie or any other sort of chocolate dessert with fucking Steve Rogers, not after what happened during Civil War. That star spangled prick called me an mentally insane sociopath...yet he employed the Punisher AND the Kingpin. I only gave jobs to Bullseye and Venom, who by all accounts are nice guys once you get to know them. Anyway, Steve Rogers is no friend of mine. He got himself killed a week or two after Civil War ended, for Christ's sake! Even Black Goliath lasted longer and got offed by a huge thunderbolt. Not a faggy shouldershot and some gutshot. Jesus. Supersoldier my ass!
As you can see, this person who 'drew' this is very, very, very disturbed. The picture is not even close to accurate. If you read Civil War: The Confession, you'd know this scene never happened. Ever. Ever. Ayako thinks Steve and I fucked in a prison cell? Well, I've done it before, but only with women, and definitely not in SHIELD lockup. Well...okay...once I had Madame Hydra blow me in between interrogation sessions. (What? What did I do?) Even if I were gay, no way I'd screw Steve. One, he's dead. Two, he's a self-righteous dick, and there can be only one of those in the Marvel Universe. Three, too Aryan. I don't like blonde bitches all that much, and presumably the same applies in the What If reality where Iron Man loves fleshy cock.
Let's take a moment and think about the technical artistry involved in this atrocity of an art 'piece'. Each has the distinct markings of manga/anime - the Japanese version of comic books. Asian = bad. The Mandarin is bad, Radioactive Man is bad, Sunfire is a jerk, they're bad and wrong. I should know. I have Extremis, bitches! Don't question the SUPERCOMPUTER THAT READS YOUR BRAIN RIGHT WHEN YOU READ THIS ARTICLE. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, almost lapsed into JMS characterization mode. My mistake, my mistake. Manga is not western art. Western art gave us Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko, Don Heck (my favorite), plus a lot of other talents. Manga? No one. Just some losers who went on to do anime tentacle rape shit (which Director Stark does not approve of). Obviously he/she has some problems if he/she's using the lack of 'talent' to draw pornographic gay pictures of copyrighted American characters. Sounds a lot like law breaking. I think we need an Internet Registration Act. Er, I mean, we have to have one, or else the government will enslave every Internet user. I see into the future!
Rest assured, SHIELD capekillers are being sent to this 'person''s home as you read this. The superhuman community will not stand for such flagrant character assassination and copyright infringement. Wait, did I say capekillers? I meant Venom, Bullseye and the Hatemonger. The original Hatemonger. Yeah. I said it. I SENT MOTHERFUCKING HITLER AFTER THIS JAP FREAK. TONY DOES AS TONY DOES, FUCKERS! Peace out. I'M WATCHING YOU.
View previous Livejournal Morons of the Week: