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Wolverine: Evolution Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2009-01-28 Black Panther explains that, contrary to popular belief, humans didn't only evolve from apes. Another group evolved from wolves. He backs up his theory by mentioning "the number of mutations" that vaguely resemble wolves...then goes on to list about four of them. I don't know, there are a fair number of speedster mutants, does that mean they evolved from fucking treadmills? |
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Mighty Avengers #21 Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2009-01-28 The writing outside of the lines isn't good either, as Slott spends way too fucking long explaining why competent heroes like New Captain America and the Dark Avengers can't handle the threat. For example, the Fantastic Four are stuck inside a TV. Seriously. What's more, they're stuck on channel 4. Get it...Fantastic Four...Channel 4...if you find that clever or funny, give me your home address so I can chemically castrate you. Look, in a shared superhero universe, it's a given that other heroes won't be included in the story. Suspension of disbelief. Calling attention to it makes shit worse. |
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Wildstorm: Death of a Shitty Fucking Salesman |
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Wildstorm: Death of a Shitty Fucking Salesman by: Doom 2008-12-10 I'm pretty sure there have been somewhere around 3 or 4 revamps of the Wildstorm Universe in the past 5 years, all of them incredibly unsuccessful. But it's not like they did not have opportunities to be successful; Grant Morrison/Gene Ha and Grant Morrison/Jim Lee as creative teams for the imprint's flagship books would've brought increased sales to the line if both Authority and WildC.A.T.S. didn't foghorn after 1 or 2 issues. Morrison gave up on Authority after reading Internet criticism of the issues that did manage to come out. Yes. Seriously. |
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Venom: The Enemy Within Review |
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Venom: The Enemy Within Review by: Doom 2008-12-10 The fight ends and Morbius reveals he's neither the king nor does he have anything to do with the goblins. So, uh, why did he attack Venom? A reason is never given. Man, I know in the 90s Marvel pretty much required a fight in every fucking issue, but this is inexplicable even for a 90s Marvel comic. |
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War Machine: Weapon of S.H.I.E.L.D. Review |
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War Machine: Weapon of S.H.I.E.L.D. Review by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2008-12-10 The last page promises Rhodey's story continuing in War Machine #1, out next month, but it would not be wise to pick it up. War Machine is almost always written as "more extreme" than Iron Man, and that means the new series will be nothing but Image over the top violence and anemic, overwrought drama. I know. I own too many of the original War Machine series to not. |
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Secret Invasion #8 Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-12-10 As the Skrulls are retreating like the Three Stooges through a doorframe, Tony Stark happens to find the ONE ship they're using to hold captive ALL of their prisoners of war. And they're all people who were previously revealed, so no Skrulls stayed deep cover as a contingency plan. Skrulls seem to be as smart as Americans when it comes to waging war. Mockingbird, Spider-Woman, Dum Dum Dugan, Contessa, Wifebeater Pym, they all return. Good thing; I don't know what the MU would do without Dum Dum Dugan. Jessica and Luke realize Skrull Jarvis lose their baby, meaning we are able to read another comic about a black man losing place of his child. |
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Hulk #8 Review |
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by: Doom and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-12-10 Hulk calls Sentry S-Man when in the Sentry miniseries Hulk referred to him as Golden Man. I'm assuming 'S-Man' is to better remind people Sentry indeed is an analogue of Superman, whose name could be shortened to 'S-Man'. Hahaha, hilarious. I wouldn't bristle at poor continuity so much if the story was any good, but it's not. It brings to mind a retarded person wildly abusing a keyboard and the artist faithfully recreating what appeared within the retard's wild typing. Only worse. |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 11 Roundtable |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 11 Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, Kennedy, Stan Lee and Tom Brevoort 2008-12-10 Stan Lee: Welcome, merry Marvelites, to yet another month of crappy, crappy Spider-Man! I'm Stan Lee and I'm rich so I don't really give a fuck what Joe Quesada does to Spider-Man these days. Sometimes that fat fuck asks me if I want to write an introduction or some shit, and I agree to it because more money means more blow and more ladies. I'm usually high as fuck when doing shit for Marvel, let me tell you. |
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Secret Invasion #7 Review |
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by: Bruce Banner 2008-11-12 I continued to detect a strain of racism in the event; essentially, the plot is about an invasion of religious fundamentalists who walk among us Americans and want the world because their scripture tells them it belongs to them. They also have no individual will of their own, gladly blowing themselves up for the greater good. Not only does the concept resemble the revamp of Battlestar Galactica, it carries strong similarities to the current War on Terror as well as past instances in which the United States fought against a faceless foe of a different race. This connects with the large amounts of the killing in the series, even by heroes who once stated "Avengers don't kill!" as their code of conduct. |
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Squadron Supreme 2 #4 Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-10-29 The issue also introduces the origin of the Old Soldier, which I'm sure would create lots of handwringing offendedness if people other than me, Blicko Blacko and Chaykin's mom read the book. See, the Captain America analogue is composed of the ashes of all the Unknown Soldiers in the Tomb of the Unknown in Washington. I have seen people offended by this, saying it's disrespectful to the unknown soldiers. Bah. Who's gonna get pissed off? The unknown soldiers? They're dead. The unknown soldiers' families? I think you can see why that's faulty. |
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Hulk #7 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-29 Loeb's scripting is terrible as well. (Does that shock you?) He gives into the fanservice predilections of Frank Cho all too easily. For example, one panel is devoted to the girls undressing and changing into their battle clothing. Was it necessary? No. Did it serve a story purpose? No. It's there just so Cho can draw and can masturbate while drawing it. Loeb includes a lot of godawful and clichéd lines in the dialogue, from Red Hulk's "If you're going to bring a weapon into battle -- LEARN HOW TO USE IT" to his Hellraiser ripoff line "Come to daddy". If you had high expectations, or any expectations for that matter, for this, you're a fucking sucker who deserves to get bilked by Marvel. |
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Venom: Funeral Pyre Review |
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by: Doom 2008-10-29 Funeral Pyre takes place in Oakland, specifically "the part you won't see on postcards". In the 90s, Oakland was never seen in postcards. I was there in the 90s, I fucking know. A gang that would never exist in real Oakland because it has too many white people try to run down a black man and eventually cause him to fall to his death. Again, this is an event that sounds more suited for Iowa than Oakland. When you think of Oakland, "white street toughs running down black men" does not come to mind. |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 10 Roundtable |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 10 Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon, Black Goliath, Kennedy, the Fanbot and Freakface 2008-10-29 Doom: Oh, Christ, not again. Yes, it's more Spider-Man, in spite of the fact that sales are circling the mediocrity drain and the Daily Raider's interest in the title has achieved a record low. This is seen in how long it took for me to bring together a writing team for this roundtable. It being 4 issues made it hard for me to cajole various motherfuckers into doing their part to be grist for the site's funny mill. Let's see, what can you expect in this month's spate of stories? There's the conclusion to the incredibly popular "New Ways to Die", an issue highlighting Flash Thompson's post-Mephisto continuity, Hammerhead's triumphant return (if you didn't read Extra, and you shouldn't have), and the origin of Jackpot. |
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Secret Invasion: Deadpool Review |
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Secret Invasion: Deadpool Review by: Kennedy 2008-10-22 One of the great new changes to the series is the new art team. Paco Medina is the new penciler, Juan Vlasco the inker, and Marte Gracia the colorist. Much as I enjoyed the stylized pencilling by Ed McGuinness in Deadpool's first ongoing series, the new team's more traditional comic book-realistic style lends something pleasant to the character. |
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Secret Invasion #6 Review |
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by: Obsequious Internet Critic 2008-10-22 Bendis really knows how to create a cliffhanger, showing both Captain America and Thor joining the fray along with all the other heroes. We haven't seen Captain America and Thor interact with a lot of these characters for quite some time, so I think Secret Invasion will be their coming out party, so to speak, or their quinceanera. Fuck. You know what I mean, right? |
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Secret Invasion #5 Review |
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by: David Icke 2008-10-15 I've tried proselytizing in regards to the threat of the Reptilians, but no one listens to me. Maybe they'll listen to this Marvel comic. I mean, they're lightweight, have no citations and are pretty cheap compared to my books, though you should still buy mine because they remain the real key to quashing the Babylonian Brotherhood (no relation to the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants...or is there?) and their quest to rule the world. Well, they already do rule the world. But rule the world more. What? Look, I have books to sell, everything can't be consistent, and consistency is exactly what they want anyway. |
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Punisher: The Origin of Microchip Review |
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Punisher: The Origin of Microchip Review by: Generalissimo Furioso and Kennedy 2008-10-08 The comic starts off like any other Punisher comic from the 90s. That means Frank Castle is doing something action-related. In this case, jumping over a wall while a black man inexplicably dives into it. This leads into some unnecessary foreshadowing wherein a corporal says that he doesn't like the jib of Frank or the Chinaman (I assume he's a chinaman, mostly because he looks like one). Cut to the really important part: Linus Lieberman A.K.A. Microchip going to his first day of class at State University (GO SCHOOL!). |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 9 Roundtable |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 9 Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, Kennedy, Joe Quesada and the Green Goblin 2008-10-01 Kennedy: I can't really express to you you how absolutely sick I am of characters who finish one another's lines. Venom: "Ha! Did you-" Anti-Venom: "-See that?" GREAT JOB GUYS LET'S JUST REUSE MORE AWFUL COMIC BOOK TROPES THAT MAKE ME WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF. |
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Hulk #6 Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2008-10-01 HULK ANGRY BECAUSE HULK IN JEPH LOEB COMIC SUCKS! IT MAKES HULK SO MAD!!! HULK LIKED BEING A SMART HULK IN WORLD WAR HULK AND PLANET HULK, BUT THEN JERK QUESADA MAKE BIG SATELLITE ERASE ALL OF HULK'S PERSONALITIES EXCEPT DUMB HULK PERSONALITY WHICH HULK NOT LIKE ONE BIT! NOW HULK NOT EVEN REMEMBER WHY HE HATES IRON MAN FOREVER! LOEB IDIOT WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO CHARACTERIZE HULK MORE COMPLEX THAN STUPID TALKING BRUTE WHO SAYS CRAP HE SAID IN THE 70S COMICS. |
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Ultimate X-Men: Absolute Power Review |
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Ultimate X-Men: Absolute Power Review by: Doom 2008-10-01 All throughout the four issues, Absolute Power contains events occurring that could only be described as Loebian (maybe "fucking retarded" too). The X-Junkies go to Colossus' farm in Siberia to receive Banshee from the then-mysterious manufacturer. Colossus tells everyone else to go inside the farm while he meets them outside. The manufacturer then forces Colossus to wear a blindfold, as Colossus doesn't know their identity either. Two points: how the fuck did he travel out to Siberia every time he needed another fix, and why didn't any of the X-Men notice the routine visits; why didn't Cyclops simply look out the window to find out the manufacturer's identity. |
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Titans #5 Review |
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by: Doom, Bruce Banner and Black Goliath 2008-09-24 Maybe if you blot out all the writing Titans #5 will become tolerable. Oh, who am I kidding. It won't. Only hard liquor can erase Winick's writing from your mind, and if you have hard liquor, why the fuck would you want to read Titans #5? Here's hoping Lopez's stay in Winickland ends soon; he deserves better than being wasted on such trash. |
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Avengers #400 Review |
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by: Doom 1996-09-03 Anniversary issues are important because they indicate a comics company has been able to publish something every month (or every other month sometimes) for years, decades. Also, people like big round numbers. |
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Thunderbolts: Faith in Monsters Review |
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Thunderbolts: Faith in Monsters Review by: Doom 2008-08-31 I've harped on Ellis' writing a lot when it comes to Marvel, since up until now I didn't think he ever put in any effort into any of his scripts (Ultimate Fantastic Four sucked and the Galactus trilogy was too long and too boring, and Reed's Ultimate Nullifier's secret ingredient was LOVE). Thunderbolts and newuniversal shows he does care about his work, if only sporadically or depending on the project. Or, rather, he can knock work out of the park if the project is attuned to his strengths. |
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DCU Brave New World |
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DCU Brave Old World Disguised as Brave New World by: Doom 2008-08-31 DC loves advertising like Dan Didio loves expensive hookers (long and hard). So the major company not named Marvel packages some cheap 10 page previews of a bunch of miniseries people still won't buy, wraps it around with shitty space opera crap, and prices this abomination of advertising $1. |
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The Kid Who Molested Spider-Man |
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The Kid Who Molested Spider-Man by: Doom 2008-08-27 Our story begins with a little boy named Tony who is being molested by his sitter Judy. He's afraid and humiliated and shit. You know, typical molestation shit (which consists of the same emotions one feels when watching a Joe Lieberman speech). But then Tony is graced with the presence of none other than the Amazing Spider-Man himself. It's pretty terrible for a comic about the horrors of child abuse to have a little boy react ecstatically to a masked middle aged man coming through his window and telling him to talk to him. |
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Useless Sidekicks |
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by: Doom 2008-08-27 Just like Jason Todd typified 80s Reagan "we need to take care of those Russians/criminals" whininess, new Jason Todd was the epitome of emo "I hate you dad!!!" bullshit which came into vogue in this decade. The new Red Hood hates Batman for not avenging his death and so kills criminals in direct contravening of Batman's code on dispatching criminals. Doesn't he remind you of the hardcore replacements for heroes who cropped up in the 90s, usually with ridiculously extreme code names? |
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Superman #677 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-08-27 I believe Robinson is trying to get us to relate to Superman by having him do normal things like talk about women and play catch with his dog with a DC twist (he's in spaaace). However admirable that attempt may be, he fucking fails. Superman instead resembles that one crass asshole friend who would hit on a guy's dead girlfriend and rub it in his buddy's face that his life is perfect and his buddy's is not. I'm sure everyone has known "that guy" at one point or another in their life. So yes, in that respect Superman is kinda relatable. |
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Squadron Supreme 2 #2 Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-08-20 The low debut number pretty much guarantees Squadron Supreme 2 will last less than a year, considering Marvel is the company to axe Blade in a year even when it had a moderately viewed television show. Unless Joe Quesada pulls a Blue Beetle, expect cancellation, which raises the question of what's the fucking point of reading this or reviewing this if it's gonna be gone in a couple of months. There really is none. |
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Hulk #5 Review |
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by: Doom and Bruce Banner 2008-08-10 When reading a Jeph Loeb comic, particularly his Hulk series, one cannot help but feel equivalent to a blind man in a barfight. You are confused and you do not anticipate the punches that hit you with shocking regularity. And there is no defense except waiting and hoping you do not inevitably receive more blows to the face and genitals. |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 7 Roundtable |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 7 Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath, Ronin, the Fanbot, Joe Quesada and Dan Slott 2008-08-03 Doom: Month 7 of Brand New Retarded shows the so-called braintrust is running out of ideas and fast. Already in the 7th month of this bold, idiotic experiment, the gang is resorting to another child of Kraven. And the return of Overdrive. Seriously? Overdrive? You wanna get him out of the mothballs? |
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Comics Ennui |
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by: Doom 2008-08-03 The comics industry staying in a holding pattern is what makes me apprehensive to bother with reading comics regularly anymore. Almost every fucking thing at Marvel ties in with Secret Invasion, an event which bores me, and I know almost every fucking thing at Marvel will tie in with the next big event that'll come next year. And so on and so forth. Anything low selling will get axed or will be forced into shallow sales raising efforts, like, you know, tying in to events for no reason other than the momentary sales boost. |
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Uncanny X-Men #500 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-07-30 Uncanny X-Men #500, for an anniversary issue, is really quite shitty because Brubaker and Fraction believe anniversary means they ought to replicate the original #1 in some ways, namely a completely pointless fight with Magneto, who is for no apparent reason back in his Bwa-ha-ha Silver Age ranting mode. I suppose it might be an homage to X-Men #1, since Magneto too was in ranting mode in his first appearance. But, uh, that was the 60s and this is now. |
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Secret Invasion #4 Review |
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by: Joe Quesada 2008-07-23 It's great. It's fucking great. Awesome, even. Why is it great? First of all, Marvel published it, and we all know how hard we (we the Marvel) work to ensure all of our products are quality enough for you, the reader. Second, Bendis and Yu is the creative team behind the issue as usual, and as usual they do a magnificent job writing and drawing. Why wouldn't they, they're two of Marvel's best exclusive creators. If they weren't great we wouldn't have given them lots of money and health insurance. |
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Squadron Supreme 2 #1 Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-07-23 Supreme Power was one of the best, most mature, most intelligent books Marvel ever put out...and then Joe Quesada fucked it all up by tinkering with something that wasn't broken. |
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Watchmen Merchandise: The potential of it all! |
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Watchmen Merchandise: The potential of it all! by: Doom 2008-07-20 How awesome would it be to have the smiley face button with the drop of blood on a black T-shirt you could buy for $22 from Hot Topic? I'll tell you how awesome: very awesome. This is clearly what Alan Moore intended when he wrote Watchmen. The comic was simply a precursor to the shirts, a herald if you will. When you wear these shirts, people will recognize the shirt and say "hey, nice shirt" and your self-esteem will be boosted because a person's self-esteem is inextricably linked to strangers' opinions of their clothing choices. You purchased the shirt, and therefore you are noble and wise for choosing to wear it amongst people who agree with its existence. |
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Ultimates 3 #4 Review |
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by: Doom, Scarecrow, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-07-16 The Yellowjacket Ultron, despite his short amount of page time, spouts several hilariously terrible lines. How the fuck can you explain him saying "we just might be winning the battle against turning into poo". Yes, fucking Ultron used the word 'poo'. This explains the random appearance of Venom: Ultron must've created a robot version of Venom who melted into crap after being defeated. I doubt it will be explained why exactly robots turn into goo instead of just exploding. |
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Final Crisis: Requiem Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-07-16 Requiem is not a good memorial of Martian Manhunter because it only lends credence to the view that killing off J'onn was stupid and pointless. It accomplished nothing. Libra is no more imposing a villain as he was in DC Universe #0 because at the end of the day he's a loser, with a fucking faggot costume. I doubt he'll feel sorry either. Any meta message Morrison intended to infuse in the death of Martian Manhunter is lost on me and apparently lost on Tomasi as well. |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 6 Roundtable |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 6 Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, the Fanbot, Joe Quesada, Mr. Negative and Misery Paingoth 2008-07-09 Joe Quesada: All of you are missing the goddamn point, okay? Amazing Spider-Man is Amazing Spider-Man and you should like it because it's Amazing Spider-Man. Anybody who doesn't like it needs to shut the fuck up because you're Internet net nerds whose opinions don't matter anyway. Many people like Bob Gale's writing. Many! They're not here; they're in Bill's house...and Fred's house. |
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Titans #3 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-07-02 Of the many bad things about Titans #3, what seems most off is the pacing. The pacing has been horrible this entire series and it doesn't look to be getting any better anytime soon. The team, in the span of 22 pages, finds the same result 3 times, bitches, and then the fucking Trigon children just fucking stroll up to them. What was the point of the detective work, then, besides filling up pages? No reason, no reason at all. In fact, you don't even need to read the comic to know what progressed in the storyline. You only need to read the cover. |
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Hulk #4 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-07-02 This review exists because I want to investigate a claim made by defenders of the book that Loeb is writing this as a satire, a la what many believe All-Star Batman to be. When I first saw this claim made on message boards, I found it dubious. Loeb? Satire? Subtlety? Going beyond the surface of the comic? The guy who brought us Fallen Son and Ultimates 3 is not capable of such hoodwinking of the audience, nor is he able to have any self-awareness. At least that's my view on the matter. Let us see if this new issue of his awful Hulk series bears out the satire explanation. |
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Being friends with the Devil is awesome |
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Being friends with the Devil is awesome by: Peter Parker 2008-07-02 Mephisto's got a great personality. He knows when to be fun and when to be serious. When he's out having drinks with people, he's a funny motherfucker, able to keep up quip-wise even with me. But when he has to be serious, he is, like when he's planning on invading New York City in an effort to piss off God, or when he's trying to divide up the bill at the sports bar. You'd think Mephisto, lord of the underworld and all that shit, would be 'on' all the time as far as evil is concerned, but he's not. He's just like you or me...if you had control over the realm of Hell. |
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Wanted (the comic book) Review |
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Wanted (the comic book) Review by: Pseudo-Intellectual College Student Douchebag 2008-06-30 So I just saw that awesome movie with Angelina Jolie in it, Wanted. It was awesome, man, there were curved bullets and like a lot of stuff on destiny and choosing your own fate and a black guy you don't normally associate with the word "motherfucker" said the word "motherfucker". Apparently the movie is based on a comic book so I checked out the Wanted 'trade' at the Barnes & Noble near the theater. I have to say, I'm really disappointed with the crappy comic book they put out to coincide with the movie. |
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DC Uber Alles! |
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by: Dan Didio 2008-06-25 While our sales are not as high as Marvel's, that is certainly not the fault of me, Dan Didio. The responsibility for the disparity lies at the feet of my ingrate subordinates who do not know how to follow simple, simple orders. Didio orders. That is why there's to be a DC Nation cleansing soon. The rebellious writers, artists and editors will be sent on a train ride from which they will never return. And though the higher ups at Time Warner cannot officially encourage me to kill, and devour the flesh of, subordinates who cross me and the will of the DC, they do so off the record. |
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Why I Left DC |
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by: Chuck Dixon 2008-06-15 Batman & the Outsiders was really a disaster from the start. It was predicated on the belief that Batman would need a black ops team to deal with criminals. Which is a sound idea but not in the way DC forced me to do it. I wanted Batman to go door to door, murdering criminals as he saw them. DC found that 'too disturbing' and instead wanted me to write that black ops bullshit. |
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Secret Invasion #3 Review |
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by: Jim@Marvel 2008-06-12 I am the peaceful, fun loving Marvel innovativeployee who is the middleman between your money and Marvel. Er, you and Marvel. You and Marvel. Sorry, I misspoke. |
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Amazing Spider-Man Brand New Day Month 5 Roundtable |
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Amazing Spider-Man Brand New Day Month 5 Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Nixon, Black Goliath, Nerdlinger, Ronin, the Fanbot, J. Jonah Jameson, Joe Quesada and Misery Paingoth 2008-06-04 Doom: Who cares anymore. |
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Final Crisis #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-06-04 Yeah, you can make sense of the events contained therein, but you won't care. |
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King-Size Hulk Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2008-06-04 The stories are those you would see in a one-shot meant for sales and not quality, so at least they are fitting the format. However, this does not mean they are worth money. Any could have been supplementary back-ups in a regular issue. And even then they would be poor; the second story with Frank Cho, for instance, is a blantant page-filler and/or excuse for Frank Cho to draw overtly sexualized women. That is certainly not uncommon when drawing She-Hulk, but the vignette has an odd, exploitative feel to it, as though the scene plays out the way it does to allow Cho freedom to draw sexually provocative positions for She-Hulk to find herself in. |
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Tony Stark: Director of S.T.R.A.W. M.A.N. |
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Tony Stark: Director of S.T.R.A.W. M.A.N. by: Doom 2008-05-28 Inevitably in all his guest appearances, someone yells at Tony for several paragraphs and he responds by, uh, doing nothing. Quite often in these appearances, people claim he killed Cap instead of Crossbones and brainwashed Sharon Carter. Even when there's no evidence pointing towards Tony being directly responsible for Cap's death, unless you whine about there not being enough security guarding Captain America. But if you're going to go that route, you should lambaste public trials in general as they offer too many opportunities for the defendant to get iced. |
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Love triangles, love triangles, love triangles |
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Love triangles, love triangles, love triangles by: Peter Parker 2008-05-21 Fans of Spider-Man, aka me, love love triangles, as shown by the incredibly high sales when I was juggling Gwen Stacy AND Mary Jane, though not in the surface definition of that term (unfortunately for me!). Compare this to sales prior to One More Day, when I was married, and you'll see sales for when I was engaged in triangles were a lot higher than the ones during my bout with monogamy. Sales equals quality, people, or else people would give a shit about Speedball. Do they? No. |
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Amazons Attack Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-05-21 The mythology behind the book blows; Amazonians are basically this bizarre island race of characters too one dimensional for even softcore lesbian porn you see on Cinemax late at night. I mean, listen to this motivation behind the Amazons attacking. Hippolyta decides to go to war against the US government because they illegally detained Wonder Woman so they could torture info out of her on how to create a purple death ray. A purple death ray. No. Fuck no. Good comics don't have purple death rays in them. |
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Infinite Crisis Hardcover Review |
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Infinite Crisis Hardcover Review by: Doom and Bruce Banner 2008-05-18 Infinite Crisis generally just feels like a half-assed sequel to a story from 20 years ago that never needed a sequel in the first place. It's entirely unnecessary for both the remaining Multiverse characters and the post-Crisis Earth. Do you really need to know the original Golden Age Superman rode off into the sunset with the love of his wife...and then 20 years later got manipulated by Alexander Luthor and had to fight Superman and a lot of other heroes until he came to his senses and got killed by a version of himself from another Earth? |
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Titans #2 Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-05-18 Winick is an untalented cretin with no ability to write any preexisting characters and the new characters he does create are shallow stereotypes imbued with the typical Winick style of vague America dislike and unencumbered sexuality. I like the idea of hating America and having lots of sex, but Winick does not handle it very well, leaving one with abysmal stories starring characters contorted in awful ways for the sake of covering up his previously stated problems with writing characters he didn't create. |
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Hulk #3 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-05-14 In addition to just being a terrible issue of a once good ongoing title, it took about 2 minutes to read. Some of you may think that's better, but it's really not. There's still as much Loeb per page as there is in a "normal" comic of his. And the less words and plot means more of what Loeb likes best: action sequences. Action sequences is where Loeb's masterful learning of the tools of the trade on writing Commando comes in handy. It's also where I feel the need to eviscerate myself in order to take away the lingering effects of Mr. Dead Kid's 'writing'. |
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Everything is Horrible |
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by: Elitist Self-Indulgent Twat Douchebag 2008-05-14 I'm referring to the comic book industry, of course. My article on how everything else is horrible, titled 'Everything Else is Horrible', will come out at a later date. Anyway. Everything in the comics industry is horrible. I realized this recently, that it wasn't pretentious enough just to hate capes books. So now I hate everything. The comics medium jumped the shark once comics existed and the industry was created. |
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DC Universe #0 Review |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-05-14 As noted in the Countdown Month 12 roundtable, originally this was meant to be Countdown #0. You know, a weekly series having 52 issues, one for each week, instead of Countdown's eventual 51. Then DC saw that everyone hated Countdown and it would be better to make its association with Final Crisis as remote as possible despite being called Countdown to Final Crisis for half of its run. Thus, DC Universe #0, a 50 cent comic written by writers people actually like (Geoff Johns, Grant Morrison), was born. |
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Countdown to Final Crisis: Month 12: 4-1 Roundtable |
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Countdown to Final Crisis: Month 12: 4-1 Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Jedi Guardian, Black Goliath, Dan Didio, Paul Dini and the Fanbot 2008-05-11 Doom: What I find most funny about this debacle (debacle is the kind version of what I would call this) is it ended an issue earlier than originally planned. The initial plan was for Countdown to count down to Countdown 0, which would lead into Final Crisis. Now it's been altered so the zero issue is entitled DC Universe Zero and unconnected from the larger series of Countdown. That's right. The thing the book has been counting down to this entire fucking year ain't happening anymore. |
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Secret Invasion #2 Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2008-05-11 It's so bad I went on a 3 day sojourn to Tibet to meditate and find new ways to insult Brian Michael Hitler Bendis. And this comes from someone who thought he had honed himself enough to take on anything by Bendis ever without breaking a sweat. Oh yes, there will be blood spilled in this review. Bendis has written something worse than the Millarocaust of Civil War #7. Yes. I am serious when saying that. This is the newest worst comic ever to ever exist. |
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Countdown to Final Crisis Month 11 Roundtable |
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Countdown to Final Crisis Month 11 Roundtable by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath, Nerdlinger, Dan Didio, the Fanbot and Jack Kirby 2008-05-07 Doom: Countdown 6 takes an alternate approach to the expected. Instead of taking the perspective of the characters we've unfortunately followed, a new character from the new Earth introduced last issue narrates shit in his diary. He's none other than alternate Buddy Blank! Man, I've read at least 10 of his appearances and I still don't fucking know who the character is or what he does. |
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Titans #1 Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-05-07 "Cyborg's been gravely injured." "So? Who cares about RoboNigger?"
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I'm fun! |
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by: Peter Parker 2008-05-07 Mark Waid once said "If you can't make readers chuckle four or five times with a Spider-Man script, you're writing it wrong." and I agree wholeheartedly. Kraven's Last Hunt should've been a fucking rib tickler and Gwen's death wasn't funny enough which is why it's not considered a classic. I doubt people will even remember those two stories in a couple of years after the Dan Slott run finishes up. Dan "Hilarity" Slott and the rest of the funny, fun fun fun braintrust will erase the memories of those godawful serious storylines Amazing Spider-Man has been plagued with for so long. |
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Venom: Lethal Protector Review |
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Venom: Lethal Protector Review by: Doom 2008-05-07 Another group is out to get Venom besides the Treece the hobo killer and his goons: the Jury. The first guy Venom killed, a guard at the Vault, had a rich father who will do whatever it takes to bring Venom to justice/kill him, and 'whatever it takes' apparently includes bringing together some of his son's buddies and outfitting them in cheesy fucking costumes with similarly cheesy code names (the most hilarious of them being "Screech". Tip: Don't name a villain after a Saved by the Bell character. Not even Zack Attack.). |
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Secret Invasion #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-04-23 Secret Invasion #1, unlike the previous House of M by Bendis, moves at a fairly steady (for Bendis, anyway) clip. This is partly because an inordinate amount of set-up has occurred in New Avengers, Mighty Avengers and other assorted books. Thankfully for new readers it is not an incomprehensible mess reliant on having read lead-ins (ahem, Infinite Crisis #1). |
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Young Avengers Presents #2: Hulkling Review |
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Young Avengers Presents #2: Hulkling Review by: Captain Marvel 2008-04-23 Making matters worse, the little snot even literally cries in front of Skrull me. What was the title of that pornographic film with Hilary Swank? Boys Don't Cry? Yeah, well it applies here. So I can only assume Hulkling is actually a girl who is pretending to be a man for some faggy reason. Man, I hope. If Hulkling was a girl, at least she'd be salvageable as a Kree. She'd just need to stop dressing in leather like a homo with all those queerrings and wear a dress instead (hell, I'm surprised supposed homosexual male Hulkling doesn't already wear dresses; that gay J. Edgar Hoover did). |
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Iron Man is an Asshole |
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by: Captain America 2008-04-23 And look at what's happened to the Avengers since my death, since IRON MAN has been in charge of everything. A split in the team leading to the New and Mighty Avengers, Tigra getting her ass kicked, a Skrull invasion, the Hood taking over crime in New York and Dr. Doom getting jailed for a crime he didn't commit. Frankly, the Avengers have never been worse off and it's all thanks to Tony. |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day by: Doom 2008-04-20 The writers and the artists are not anything special and definitely not befitting some lionization. Dan Slott, Marc Guggenheim, Bob Gale and Zeb Wells on their best day (combined) are somewhere slightly above mediocre and on the worst day they're awful and intelligence insulting. I especially hate how they try to remind readers of the good ol' days by throwing in inexplicable hip speak for the editor notes and the text at the beginning and end of the issue. |
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Amazing Spider-Man Brand New Day Month 4 Roundtable |
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Amazing Spider-Man Brand New Day Month 4 Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, Fanboy Boy, Bub Sanders and Joe Quesada 2008-04-20 Joe Quesada: Considering just a couple of years ago Zeb Wells wrote Spider-Man in Peter Parker Spider-Man, what makes Brand New Day different from incidental stories which would have normally run in the crappy supplemental Spider-Man books? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You caught us. This is a story from 6 years ago we reprinted, just to see if you would notice. And you fucking didn't, motherfuckers! So in the end, we still fucking win. What're you gonna do about it, fanboys? Quit reading Marvel? That ain't gonna happen. |
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Yes, I would prefer my aunt to my wife |
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Yes, I would prefer my aunt to my wife by: Peter Parker 2008-04-09 I should not forget to mention Aunt May, unlike MJ, holds no standards for me and thus is never disappointed by my constant failures. She doesn't care if I can't find a job or an apartment. MJ does. She constantly whines "when are you ever going to get a job more distinguished than freelance photographer, a position a 16 year could and did fill?". Meanwhile she's some major soap star or supermodel or whatever. Think about that! The nerve of her! Asking a grown man to get a respectable, decent paying 'job'! I'm too busy fighting Big Wheel, the Rhino and THE SPOT do that and she knows that! |
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Raider/Counter-Raider: The State of the Industry |
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by: The Fanboy and Elitist Self-Important Twat Douchebag 2008-04-09 Everything is going great, at least, if 'everything' means DC. The Superman books are back on track, no more brooding from Batman, Wonder Woman finally gives us the ascension of Donna Troy to her rightful place as Wonder Woman (no more Diana cause she's a murderer and a liar), Green Lantern remains as great and as Hal as ever, and the Flash continues to be the fastest title alive in terms of improvement. |
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Civil War #7 Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2008-04-09 Making matters worse, Herr Quesada devotes the last several pages of the book to advertising more comics which will only make Joe $$$ more money. Geez, Joe, you just destroyed several of America's most enduring (until now) icons with your asinine Civil War miniseries. Is it really the best time for you to bilk blood money out of fans in an effort to line you and your war profiteering buddies' pockets? I guess so, given this is Joe Quesada we're talking about and not a human being with a sense of decency or humanity (as we all know, Joe Quesada is part lizard and eats mice and schoolchildren for dinner). |
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Blame Tony Stark! |
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by: Doom 2008-04-09 Marvel got you down? Tired of all their event-building? Sickened by the death of Captain America? Annoyed by Tom Brevoort's constant desire to not get on his hands and knees to suck the collective dick of the whiny fanboy? Want Millar's Crohn's to go into overdrive? Well, there's a better and more efficient way for you to let out all your excess rage. And no, I'm not referring to playing video games or jerking off to rape porn. I'm talking about blaming Tony Stark, aka Iron Man. |
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Lord Havok and the Extremists Roundtable |
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Lord Havok and the Extremists Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, the Fanbot, Dan Didio, Joe Quesada, Mark Millar and Captain America 2008-04-02 Captain America: What the hell is...okay, actually, this is pretty accurate. More accurate than that pussy ass series Marvel saddled me with before those assholes killed me. I really did get my pussy teammates on the Avengers to go on bullshit errands whilst I unbeknownst to them fucked their wives (them also refers to the wives...what're you gonna do, inform the police CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA is a rapist?). |
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Amazing Spider-Man Brand New Day Month 3 Roundtable |
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Amazing Spider-Man Brand New Day Month 3 Roundtable by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath, the Fanbot, Joe Quesada, Doctor Wankenstein and Alex Ross 2008-03-30 Alex Ross: As you know, I threw away all of my issues of Amazing Spider-Man once Sins Past occurred and irrevocably ruined Gwen and her reputation forever and ever and ever. Well, when I was at Marvel this week, bringing in my new cover of Avengers/Invaders, the new issue of ASM caught my eye. I had heard of the marriage wiping out nonsense and I decided to give it a shot. I have mixed feelings about Amazing Spider-Man #552. On the plus side, very few niggers and no mentions of Gwen being raped by the Green Goblin. On the downside, there were...I don't know...too many NEW ideas. |
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JLA #83 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-03-16 And when you get down to it, the story in and of itself is neither involving nor interesting nor...anything else, really. Kelly rushes the developments since he needs to wrap it all up in one issue as well as sledgehammer the 'dream' ending at the backend of the narrative. The entire 'preemptive strike' discussion period before the War in Iraq began got compressed into less than 20 pages. No matter your opinion on the war, you must agree with me that the incidents which brought about it require more than 15 fucking pages of explanation and elucidation. |
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Black Panther Annual 2008: Black to the Future Review |
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Black Panther Annual 2008: Black to the Future Review by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2008-03-12 HULK HATE WRITER HUDLIN |
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Crime Bible Roundtable |
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by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, Lemansky, the Fanbot, Dan Didio, Steve Niles, Chuck Austen, Captain Marvel, Pope Benedict XIV and Woody Allen 2008-03-09 The Fanbot: Ahem, am I not correct in saying the original Question was Victor "Vic" Sage and that no one should replace him? If you don't find me correct, you're a continuity hating maverick who wants multiculturalism to destroy the DC Universe. Vic Sage was a white man and the Question. Could he be the Question without being white? I don't fucking THINK SO. Therefore, the idea of a Latina LESBIAN Question...just...just...ridiculous. |
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Amazing Spider-Man Brand New Day Month 2 Roundtable |
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Amazing Spider-Man Brand New Day Month 2 Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, Nerdlinger, Joe Quesada and the Fanbot 2008-03-09 Joe Quesada: So what if this rehashes last week and several decades of storylines? IT'S SOMETHING BY MARVEL, YOU SHOULD BUY IT. Brand New Day is a sales success. A success, I tell you, unlike all that gay ass JMS bullshit we forced you to buy years earlier and now fierily denounce. Therefore, shut the fuck up, it's great, it's selling well, stop complaining and BUY IT ALREADY. Joe Quesada needs a new goddamn motorcycle and a heart transplant (so what if I ate too many curly fries in my life? I'M RUNNING MARVEL COMICS, BITCH). |
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Dan Slott Will Fuck Your Kids |
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by: Doom 2008-03-09 He looks like if Harvey Pekar ate Harvey Pekar. |
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Black Panther: Ready to Die Review |
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Black Panther: Ready to Die Review by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2008-03-05 Hudlin takes the approach of using the Psycho-Man's machinations to reveal to Black Panther and Storm their concerns and worries regarding the marriage. For Storm it is the idea that T'Challa's legacy as the Black Panther and the Panther God will crowd her and smother her. Token mention to her claustrophobia, check. Panther, contrastingly, fears the X-Men are a Caligula-esque orgy and that Emma Frost could rape him at any time. No, I am not exaggerating for effect. |
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Tiny Titans #1 Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-03-05 I admit it is difficult to separate the concept and the execution. Like, how can you bash it when DC wants it to be short attention span theater with art befitting a bad coloring book? It's impossible. Pointless to yell about an apple being too much of a fucking apple. However, I can say I don't think children will like this. When I was a kid, I wanted to see fights. That's why I wanted to read comic books. Action. Tiny Titans contains no action whatsoever. No fights, no conflict, no nothing. |
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How to fanboy it up over Civil War: The Confession |
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How to fanboy it up over Civil War: The Confession by: Doom and the Fanboy 2008-03-05 No Civil War-related bitching can do without unnecessary (unnecessary in terms of the criticism's validity) Iron Man bashing. If you've ever hated on the event before, you should know what to do. However, if you just so happen to be a newbie to the motteditor game, here's a few things worthy of inclusion in any well-rounded Stark bitchfest. Mention his alcoholism. Nothing big; just something along the lines of "that drunk" or "the alcoholic madman" or "the wino murderer" or...I could go on and on. |
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Ultimates 3 #3 Review |
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by: Doom, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2008-03-02 Hawkeye: Just as long as you know your place we'll be all right. Wolverine: My place, huh? What, like the back of the bus? Hawkeye: What, you think you're driving the bus? Wolverine: Dammit, Clint, you know what, he doesn't want to hurt your little feelings, but Cap has plans for me! Hawkeye: He's my best friend! He's been my best friend for 7 years. Do you really think he's going to push me aside for some mutie? |
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Hulk #2 Review |
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by: Doom, Bruce Banner and Black Goliath 2008-03-02 As can be expected from Hulk #2, the script is rife with groanworthy dialogue and faulty logic. Such is Loeb! You cannot not expect that shit from him. It'd be akin to thinking Uwe Boll will one day make a great film. He tries to hide his shitty writing through references to Silver Age Marvel staples (for example, a gentry of robotic Iron Men called the Shellheads), but it doesn't work. Nor does his shitty dialogue. |
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Fucking Me: It's The Law |
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by: Iron Man 2008-02-27 There's a rider attached to the Superhuman Registration Act that you may not be aware of. It applies to all women who are subject to the SHRA, and it stipulates that ALL women are forced to have sex with me, Tony Stark, Iron Fucking Man, at least once. I know what you're thinking. "That can't be legal. That's, like, systematic rape." It's legal and it's not rape. I helped draft it myself and my legal team and I did everything in our power to ensure the rider was fair and within the laws of the United States of America. It's not at all coercion. We're giving you a choice. Either fuck me or you don't get to register. |
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Black Adam: The Dark Age Review |
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Black Adam: The Dark Age Review by: Doom 2008-02-27 Although the anti-hero premise shows promise from time to time, Black Adam should be morally ambiguous like Doom or Namor, not a fucking sweater vest wearing Magneto (aka Claremont's Magneto) or a lovesick faggot. Yet The Dark Age overwhelmingly focuses on Adam's lovesick faggot characterization in spite of several scenes showing his propensity for ultra-violence. I cannot fucking tell you how many times he bitches about his dead wife, because I lost count after the first couple issues' bathetic mewling about the love of his life, Isis. |
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The Magical Xylophones 2007 |
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by: The Fanboy 2008-02-27 When I said I wasn't going to read it because I didn't want to see Spider-Man ruined again by war criminal JMS, I heard a knock on my door. I answered it and it was none other than Joe Quesada himself. He said to me, "I hear you don't intend to read One More Day." I replied in the affirmative. He said, "Well, that's a shame. It's a really good storyline." I said I respectfully disagreed, "you rapist" (hardly an offensive slur). After that, some of his thug 'buddies' came into my house and beat me and tied me down. "I think you're gonna read One More Day." Quesada laughed. |
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Countdown to Final Crisis Month 10 Roundtable |
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Countdown to Final Crisis Month 10 Roundtable by: Dan Didio, Paul Levitz, Paul Dini, Tony Bedard, Sean McKeever, Adam Beechen, the Palmiotti/Grey Composite Rocket, Keith Giffen, Jose Juan and Geoff Johns 2008-02-25 Dan Didio: Das ist mein krieg, das ist mein blut, das ist mein Dan! Das ist mein krieg, das ist mein blut, das ist mein Dan! Das ist mein krieg, das ist mein blut, das ist mein Dan! Das ist mein krieg, das ist mein blut, das ist mein Dan! |
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The Up-Chuck Awards 2007 |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath and Chuck Austen 2008-02-20 The Red Fox: Countdown, Countdown...COUNTDOWN! Did I mention Countdown! There is absolutely nothing worse this year that occurred this year other than this comic series that, thankfully, has a definite ending, even though it doesn't seem to be in sight anytime soon. All of the characters are C-list or worse. I don't count the fact that there are one or two pages of Batman or Superman every few comics, because that just doesn't count, and the stories that are there are about people like Mary Marvel. Mary Marvel! Girl Black Adam! Enough said. |
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Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane |
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by: Doom 2008-02-14 RIDICULOUSLY INEXPLICABLE COWBOY HAAAAAAAAT |
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Superman/Batman: Vengeance Review |
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Superman/Batman: Vengeance Review by: Black Goliath 2008-02-11 More hijinks ensue as the "Mistaken Identity Crisis" (GET IT? It's referring to Identity Crisis, a mini series that occurred before this story and is used as inspiration for the title. I GET IT!) continues! More fight scenes, more Maximums using extreme force, more one dimensional characters, the fucking Kryptonite Man (remember the package that Atomic Skull stole?), and Robot saying he believes the murderer of Skyscraper is, in fact, not Superman or Batman. Another alternate reality, this time involving Batman and Superman, but with boobs! |
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Countdown to Final Crisis Month 9 Roundtable |
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Countdown to Final Crisis Month 9 Roundtable by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath, Nerdlinger, the Fanboy and Dan Didio 2008-02-10 Dan Didio: So, we finally found Ray Palmer and revealed Bob the Monitor as a traitor to the Challengers. Sounds like actual story content in Countdown, doesn't it? Yes, it does, which breaks THE CARDINAL RULE of Countdown, which is NEVER TELL A FUCKING STORY. It looks like the Countdown braintrust slipped this little 'development' past my desk. Going against the orders of The Dan at DC is treason. |
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Amazing Spider-Man Brand New Day Month 1 Roundtable |
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Amazing Spider-Man Brand New Day Month 1 Roundtable by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, Nerdlinger, Nightcrawler, Malice, the Fanboy, Joe Quesada, Ho Chi Gookerson, the Green Goblin and Stan Lee 2008-02-06 WALLOPING WEBSNAPPERS OH THAT AWFUL SPIDER-MAN HE'S A MENACE YOU JUST HIT THE JACKPOT TIGER GREAT POWER AND GREAT RESPONSIBILITY BRIDGE GWEN UNCLE BEN NO SPIDEY SENSE! |
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Ultimates 3 #2 Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2008-02-06 Valkyrie continues to be a total fucking moron and a reason for ordinary men to turn into rapists. (She looks attractive, yet talking to her for more than 3 seconds will melt your mind, thereby necessitating the act of rape if one wants to get into her panties.) Does she just spend all her off-time fucking Thor and giggling? The obvious answer: yes. |
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New Avengers |
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by: Nightcrawler 2008-02-03 Clint Barton - back from the dead, Hawkeye decided to stop being Hawkeye because Scarlet Witch isn't around to give him sex. Because of this, he takes on the mantle of Ronin. This is a decent role for him to play and shows how awesome he is even without the archery set. |
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Youngblood #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-01-30 A good comic exploring the dynamics of fame and fortune interspersed with wham bang superhero fights should contain at least an attempt at moral ambiguity/shades of grey. I saw no shades of fucking anything in Youngblood #1, except for maybe one shade of bland. |
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52 Aftermath: The Four Horsemen Roundtable |
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52 Aftermath: The Four Horsemen Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath, the Fanboy and Dan Didio 2008-01-27 Dan Didio: Why Four Horsemen? Why now? I'll tell you why: I FUCKING LOVE MONEY. I mean I love it in BOTH senses. Yes, I fuck money. I wrap my dandick in a WAD of bills and jerk off into it. It feels so much better than a diamond-encrusted sock (which I bought after Identity Crisis, you stupid fools). Hell, after the success of Infinite Crisis, I even commissioned an anatomically accurate woman to be made of money. I FUCKED HER LIKE CRAZY. |
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The Up-Chuck Awards 2006 |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner and Chuck Austen 2008-01-20 Welcome, fellow comic book nerds! Today you're reading our first annual Up-Chuck Awards. Named after Chuck Austen, the Up-Chucks (or Chuckies, if you prefer) give tribute to the worst comics, the worst characters and the worst 'talent' involved in making comics in 2006. As a result, this is pretty much a protracted way of bashing Detective "Infinite Crisis" Comics (DC for short). |
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Fantastic Four: Isla de La Muerte: A Spic n' Span Review |
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Fantastic Four: Isla de La Muerte: A Spic n' Span Review by: Rammspieler and Generalissimo Furioso 2008-01-16 For instance, you have Johnny making a remark along the lines of "Ben is probably sitting on a beach eating a taco" and Reed responds by saying "Sigh. Yes, he'd be eating a taco, if he were in Mexico. He's more likely to be eating Mofongo or an Empanada. Maybe some Tostones." I didn't bold those words for nothing; they're actually like that in the fucking comic. It's almost insulting to have things like that explained since I eat those foods on a semi-regular basis and the rest of the world should know that the Caribbean and Mexico are entirely different places that eat entirely different things. |
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Onslaught Reborn #5 Review |
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by: Doom 2008-01-16 It's finally over, people. Our long national nightmare of Loebfeld is over. At least until one of them has the bright idea again to combine their forces for the bad of mankind. But for now we can consider the Hack Bible closed. |
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Hulk #1 Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/Loeb Hulk 2008-01-12 Loeb writes a great many characters wrong. But the pertinent question is, of course, who he writes the worst. This is difficult, as all are filtered through the Jeph Loeb lens of bad dialogue and inept characterization. But after some deliberation, I must give the worst title to Doc Samson. He superfluously goes through a reenactment of a crime with the skill of CSI, he punches Red Guardian unprovoked, and he overall bases claims on nothing but guessing and reading a Jeph Loeb interview in Wizard. |
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Fallen Son Review |
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by: Doom 2008-01-09 5/5 Loebs - the full brunt of Loeb's
hackery. Among the worst, if not the worst collection of words to ever
see print. |
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Ultimate Power Review |
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by: Doom 2008-01-09 When Ultimate Power first was announced, I thought to myself, "Hm, I'm not expecting a lot from a crossover series. But on the plus side, at least the JMS issues should be good. He is one of three writers to work on the universe, and definitely the best at portraying all of the characters. No way he can fuck up his 3 parts." He fucking did. |
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Amazing Spider-Man #545 Review |
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Amazing Spider-Man #545 Review by: Doom 2008-01-06 On that final page, the lower left hand corner bears the message "To JMS - from the Marvel gang" instead of the usual "The End". Man, what a...what...man. This issue invalidates everything JMS did in his 5+ years on the book, and Marvel has the temerity to dedicate it to JMS. This issue and the last one were barely even WRITTEN by JMS; Quesada and his crackerjack team of editorial goons extensively rewrote #545 and #41 of Sensational to fit their shitty vision of Brand New Day. |
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Amazing Spider-Man #545 Review |
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Amazing Spider-Man #545 Review by: The Fanboy 2008-01-06 Hahahaha, I bought a comic, which gave you profit, and then ripped it up! I'M REALLY STICKING IT TO YOU, MARVEL! TAKE THAT! |
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Countdown Arena Roundtable |
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by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath, Nerdlinger, Dan Didio, DR2 Doom, Savage Banner, Snap Foster, Andrew Steiber and the Red Fox-Prime 2008-01-06 Nerdlinger: Green Lanterns time, with Hal Jordan, Hal Jordan (fuck...) and Batman Green Lantern. But first, we have to have a shit match between Mr. Ray-whatevers, which even has a cute Nazi one. The writer still fucked up with his character though; he didn't give him a German accent at all. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE NAZI HAVE A FUNNY VOICE, GUYS?! |
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Countdown Month 8 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath, Nerdlinger, Alex Ross, Dan Didio and Paul Dini 2008-01-06 Alex Ross: Jimmy Olsen...kissing...an alien? That's not right! The Jimmy I know isn't some freaking alien lover! Aliens are monsters and they deserve to be fought, not kissed! How do we even know Forager is a girl alien, anyway? Jimmy certainly isn't gay, and I'll be damned if Didio makes him some sort of gay alien lover. What's next if DC allows this stuff to go through? Colored heroes? Women who actually save the day instead of getting kidnapped? 'Aeroplanes'? |
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Search for Ray Palmer Roundtable |
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Search for Ray Palmer Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Nixon, Black Goliath, Dan Didio, the Riddler, Steve Niles, Ted Stevens, Joseph Stalin, Paul Levitz and Chuck Austen 2007-12-23 Doom: Here's a prediction: they don't find Ray Palmer in any of these tie-ins. |
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Tales of the Sinestro Corps Roundtable |
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Tales of the Sinestro Corps Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath, Jurassic3000 and the Fanboy 2007-12-23 Doom: I find it funny how, excluding me, this is the first all-black collaborative article. What is with black people and Green Lantern anyway? |
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Captain Carrot and the Final Ark Roundtable |
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Captain Carrot and the Final Ark Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, the Fanboy, Dan Didio, En Esch, Dr. Strange, Dr. Reginald Teeth, O.J. Simpson, Penance, Ted Kennedy, Ronnie Gardocki, Doc Samson, Stan Lee, Ben Grimm When He Went Back In Time And Became Captain Blackbeard and Joe Quesada 2007-12-19 I HATE THIS COMIC SO MUCH. |
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Captain America #25 Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2007-12-16 Worst. Death. EVER. |
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Green Arrow/Black Canary |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2007-12-16 URGH! HULK HATE JUDD WINICK! HULK HATE HIM MORE THAN HAVING TO SUMMARY JUDD WINICK COMICS. HULK HATE WRITING ABOUT THIS CRAP, BUT HULK WILL OR ELSE METAL MAN DOOM WILL PUT HULK BACK IN CELL. HULK HATE CELL MORE THAN EVERYTHING ELSE COMBINED! |
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Ultimates 3 #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2007-12-09 Loeb is a master of showing us and telling us because he assumes we're as retarded as him and we need help with needless explanations everywhere. For instance, Wasp specifically confronts Hawkeye for being a loose cannon who acts as though he has a death wish. GET IT, IT'S COZ HIS FAMILY IS DEAD. GET IT. Hawkeye of course responds psychotically, threatening to kill her if she ever calls him Clint in public again. Why? His identity is public knowledge. Is he going to soon demand for Wasp to call him "The Plague" from now on? Christ. |
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Countdown to Final Crisis Month 7 Roundtable |
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Countdown to Final Crisis Month 7 Roundtable by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath and Alex Ross 2007-12-09 Doom: Month 7. Christ.
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Countdown Month 6 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath, Nerdlinger, Dan Didio and Adolf Hitler 2007-12-05 Dan Didio: We at DC love homophobia. It's our main export! It's not because we hate gays. We don't hate gays at all. Look at how many of those people we've let work at DC over the years (albeit almost none of them during the Didio regime). The only reason there are few working here now is because we outlawed homosexuality last year. Again, nothing personal. It's just that fags are, you know, weird. Why would someone want to have sex with a man when that's not what The Plague would do? |
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Warren Ellis' Thunderbolts is tooooooo dark |
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Warren Ellis' Thunderbolts is tooooooo dark by: The Fanboy 2007-12-05 Sure, Thunderbolts is about villains trying to reform, but that doesn't mean it should necessarily be dark. Why would a comic about murderous criminals trying to go straight or pretending to try to go straight be 'dark'? It's the same as a regular superhero book in my opinion! Swordsman isn't dark because Nicieza created him. Penance is definitely too dark for my tastes. Not to mention stupid. I don't see why Speedball wouldn't stay his usual chipper and bright self after indirectly causing the deaths of 600 civilians! |
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Spider-Man: One More Day |
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by: Doom 2007-12-05 The next issue deals with Peter following around a little girl, meeting alternate versions of himself, and the little girl turning out to be Mephisto (GET IT, CHILDREN ARE UNEXPECTED TO BE EVIL SO YOU SHOULD EXPECT ANYTHING PRECOCIOUS TO BE SATAN). At this point the book goes down faster than [insert gratuitous sexual reference here]. Mephisto wants something in exchange for saving Aunt May's life. Peter Parker's soul, perhaps? His powers? His life? No, it's something out of left field and inane. Mephisto wants HIS MARRIAGE! Wow, I didn't know Mephisto was gay and/or Joe Quesada. |
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Titans East Special Review |
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by: Doom and Black Goliath 2007-12-02 It is funny, though, to see the Titans kick the asses of two foes whom Batman and Superman routinely have trouble with individually. Maybe the lack of Roy Harper gave them the edge? Beast Boy chalks it up to "when we're together, nothing can stop us". Oh, I get it! Juxtaposed with Cyborg being a lonely fuck, it's ironic and hilarious! I get it, but I still think it's retarded. |
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World War Jobbing |
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by: The Fanboy 2007-11-30 But it's not just the Sentry. The other people Hulk defeated deserve a lengthier mention. Let's take Black Bolt. He has the power of a voice that can, at full power, create a rip in reality. Yet Hulk beats him up and leaves him almost dead? I think Marvel was right to shove most of the fight offscreen because there's NO WAY Hulk could have possibly defeated Black Bolt. Statistical advantage? Resilience? I WON'T HEAR OF IT. |
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Poems About Spider-Man |
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by: Nerdlinger 2007-11-30 "Aww... That's sweet. I HATE SWEET! What I need are photos! Photos of Spider-Man!" |
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World War Hulk #5 Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2007-11-25 HULK THINK THIS ISSUE KICKED LOTS OF ASS BECAUSE IT SHOWED HULK BEATING UP EVERYONE AND NEVER LOSING AND THERE WAS LOTS OF ACTION AND HULK LOVE ACTION. THE ONLY THING WORLD WAR HULK #5 NEEDED WAS HULK HAVING SEX WITH WOMAN! ALL OTHER CHARACTERS DON'T DO ANYTHING OR GET YELLED AT OR KILLED BY HULK. THIS PERFECT HULK COMIC. |
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Comics Porn |
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Comics Porn: These Guys, These Guys Are Just Pissin' All Over Me by: Chuck Austen 2007-11-23 Arousal is the most important part of porn, and I can't see how indie shit would accomplish that. Then again, I never understood those fucking pirate comics in Watchmen, so maybe I'm not the best authority on the subject. |
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Green Lantern: Rebirth Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2007-11-18 BAH! HULK HATE HAL JORDAN (OR SHOULD HULK SAY 'HAL BOREDAN'? OR 'SUCK JORDAN'? HA, HULK CRACK HULK UP!) AND CRAPPY COMICS HAL STARS IN! HULK WAS HAPPY WHEN HAL DIED AND BECAME STUPID DEATH WHITE GUY! KYLE RAYNER MAKE HULK LESS ANGRY BY COMPARISON BUT CAN DC NOT SCREW THAT UP? NOOOOOOOOOOO! DC RELEASES STUPID MINISERIES ABOUT STUPID HAL STUPID COMING BACK FOR STUPID REASON! |
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Onslaught Reborn #4 Review |
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by: Doom and Zombie Sam Loeb 2007-11-07 The final scene ends in Loki pronouncing Franklin Richards to be the root of all evil in the universe and for the universe to live, he must die. Reed confirms this in what I assume to be a stupid swerve which will be repudiated in the first five pages of the last issue. I'm also betting that announcement will lead to some hero vs. hero fighting!!! |
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Infinite Halloween |
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by: Doom, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner, Scarecrow, the Jewker, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, Jurassic3000, Nerdlinger, the Fanboy, Steve Niles, Dan Didio and Superboy-Prime 2007-11-07 Dan Didio: Heil, DC Nation! You know, it's funny. We actually based this hilarious wraparound on real life; oftentimes DC writers living in my Didio Compound plot ways to escape so they can be 'free'. And along with that they tell stories using DC characters I'll soon entirely own. Then, just as they try to pull off their escape, I send Didiotroopers into there and give them a good beatdown. |
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Countdown Month 5 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2007-11-07 Doom: Blah blah blah another month of inane bullshit blah blah blah blah DC sucks blah blah blah fuck Dan Didio and his corporate ruled sense of creativity blah blah blah Jimmy Olsen is a terrible waste of lines I hate Batwoman blah blah blah Paul Dini is a magician fetishist blah blah blah negativity negativity negativity. There. I think I covered all the important points... |
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Final Crisis and the Inevitability of Outrageous Crossovers |
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Final Crisis and the Inevitability of Outrageous Crossovers by: Black Goliath 2007-11-04 One is a fascist dictator whose authoritative style and low tolerance of dissidents leads to brutal disappearings and removals. His horrible decisions has turned a formerly respectable empire into the world's joke. The other was born in Italy. |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Swing Shift Review |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Swing Shift Review by: Doom 2007-10-31 It turns out 'Overdrive' (seriously) did commit a real crime: he stole an artifact from the museum. THE ARTIFACT? OH NO!!!!!!!! IF HE HAS THE ARTIFACT, HE COULD...DO SOMETHING! OH FUCK! YOU GOTTA SAVE US FROM THE WRATH THAT WILL BEFALL THE WORLD IF THE ARTIFACT FALLS INTO THE...WRONG HANDS!!!! |
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52 Month 12 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner, Dizz, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, Nerdlinger, the Fanboy, Superboy-Prime and Dan Didio 2007-10-31 It is done. Everything is as it should be. |
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30 Days of Night Review |
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by: Doom 2007-10-30 One wishes 30 Days of Night could feature art so minimalist the comic didn't exist. |
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How to fanboy it up over Mighty Avengers #1 |
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How to fanboy it up over Mighty Avengers #1 by: Doom 2007-10-28 Women have led the Avengers on only a few scattered occasions, each receiving substantial criticism for "WOMAN CAN'T LEAD TEAM, SHE HAVE VAGINA UNLIKE CAPTAIN AMERICA". Yet I believe Ms. Marvel's leadership to be a unique case for which you can, dare I say it, increase the misogynistic bitching about a woman leading Marvel's premiere superteam. See, Iron Man is part of the team. So why does Ms. Marvel need to lead it when Iron Man, who's already director of SHIELD, is around? It's a magical fucking xylophone of 'crazy noises' and wizard's keys. |
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World War Hulk #4 Review |
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by: Chuck Austen 2007-10-28 You and I both know what World War Hulk #4 and World War Hulk as a whole has been missing: tits. John Romita Jr. is not a good artist as far as women are concerned. Sure, he can make them look 'attractive' and 'human' and 'realistic', but I don't want any of that shit. I want tits, man. Tits and ass and vagina and everything else that I can see on a woman when I use my Chuck Austen X-ray specs (now illegal in 13, no, 18 states). |
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All-Star Batman #7 Review |
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by: Alex Ross 2007-10-21 I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever been so offended in all my life. I'm so offended I think I may die of offensive. I used to think DC CARED about the integrity of their heroes, but the continued feeding of Frank Miller's delusion says otherwise. Therefore we have All-Star Batman, a series that gives us Jerkass Dark Knight Batman in a way we've never seen before. As a psychotic. I'm, I'm almost speechless. I'm crying and have been doing so for the past 93 minutes. |
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Punisher #50 Review |
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by: Alex Ross 2007-10-07 Pardon my foul language, but I didn't support this book through thick and thin just to read page after page of a nigger killing people. I mean, if I wanted to see that, I'd just look outside my window, you know what I mean? |
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State of the Comics Industry Version 35.2 |
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State of the Comics Industry Version 35.2 by: Elitist Self-Important Twat Douchebag 2007-09-26 Take the new Booster Gold series for instance. It fucking sucks because Johns is using too much history of the character's exploits (mostly Silver Age) to affect his current storylines, and it's way too cheesy. I don't want to be embarrassed about reading comics about a guy with a blue and yellow jacket and visor who has a best friend who looks like a golden football. I want comics my girlfriend (WHO I'M FUCKING) is interested in. I want comics that don't make me look like a geek because I'm insecure with my self-esteem and need to feel cool to feel like I'm worth something. |
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9/11 Report: The Comic Review |
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by: Doom 2007-09-26 You ever wonder what comic book sound effect the Pentagon made when a plane hit it? This is the book for you! |
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Wildstorm |
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Wildstorm: One Man's Journey To Continually Fuck Up His Intellectual Property by: Doom 2007-09-26 But before long, DC was chomping at the bit to purchase Lee's imprint. Not because of the level of quality or anything; rather, for the digital coloring studio within Wildstorm. Man, I think that sums up the nature of DC's relationship with Wildstorm better than anything after the purchase. Wildstorm was bought as an appendage to a coloring studio. Jim Lee must've felt bad when he wasn't rolling in the dough he made from the deal. |
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She-Hulk #21 Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2007-09-23 I am a big fan of Dan Slott. He 'gets' it. He gets that comics aren't supposed to be about 'new stories' or 'new characters', they're supposed to be about continuity and referring to previous stories written decades ago. The great example of this is in She-Hulk, a title he is unfortunately leaving after #21, the issue I am reviewing. Said final issue of his run may very well be the greatest comic book written in history. Why? Because it's about continuity. The entire issue was made to explain continuity. God, I love it. |
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Civil War #6 Review |
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by: Dan Didio 2007-09-13 I don't give a fuck about your Crohn's. FINISH THE SCRIPT NOW OR I'LL PRICK YOU WITH AN HIV INFECTED NEEDLE. I'LL DO IT! HOW DO YOU THINK JUDD WINICK'S FRIEND PEDRO GOT IT?! |
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Amazing Spider-Man #36 Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2007-09-12 WORST. TERRORIST ATTACK. EVER. |
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Queen of the Banned: An Interview with CitizenKang |
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Queen of the Banned: An Interview with CitizenKang by: Doom 2007-09-11 CitizenKang is known to the Newsarama populace as a villain. The scum of the Earth. A lowly excuse of a human being whose innate homosexuality is only matched by his inability to get laid/go outside/not live in a basement/whatever other clichéd Internet insult you want to invoke. I think it's about time someone told his side of the story. |
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Countdown Month 4 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath and the Fanboy 2007-09-09 Doom: Countdown! Woo! I'm really, really running out of ways to introduce these roundtables. I've done angry, I've done mock enthusiasm, I've done labored explanations as to why 52 roundtables took so long, I've pretty much taken every approach possible. And now I'm doing the 'there's no other way to introduce Countdown' approach! God, I'm shameless and pathetic. |
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The Great Mike Wieringo Reaction-Off |
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The Great Mike Wieringo Reaction-Off by: Doom 2007-09-03 Also, the constant overuse of invoking the family and friends of Mike Wieringo pissed me off. Look, extending your sadness to Wieringo's friends, family, well-wishers, associates, fans (someone DID say fans, no joke), bowling league, and goldfish won't fucking help them at all...CAUSE THEY WON'T TURN TO THE INTERNET IN THEIR FUCKING TIME OF GRIEF. I can't imagine his wife checking Millarworld and expressing a sigh of relief. "Wow, now that I know Internet nerds such as Tobin and Sidharta Filoco have expressed condolences, my heart is at ease." |
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World War Hulk #3 Review |
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by: Iron Man 2007-08-25 EXTREMIS, INITIALIZE: COMMENTARY MODE. Playa Tony Stark had some problems with World War Hulk #3. A lot of problems. More problems than I've had women blow me in the past hour, which means more than 6. The biggest problem, due it to relating to ME, is the utter lack of Tony Stark in the issue. The first had a copious amount. Last issue, none. This issue? One panel. That's all. ONE FUCKING PANEL. WHAT THE FUCK?! |
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Not Live From Wizardworld Chicago 2007 |
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Not Live From Wizardworld Chicago 2007 by: Doom 2007-08-18 Cage! is, apparently, the answer to all those fanboys whining about there being no comic books depicting Luke Cage as a stereotype relic from the 1970s. So hold on to your hats, nerds, cause the guy who made Samurai Jack is here to nig up the New Avengers leader in ways not even Brian Azzarello could imagine. Yes, this means the tiara, the chain belt, the yellow silk shirt. Nostalgia, especially nostalgia for the 70s in regards to black characters, is a terrible, terrible thing. |
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World War Hulk #2 Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2007-08-18 If Stan Lee wrote this miniseries, General Ross would have been in issue 1, page 3, panel 7. And the whole thing would end in a big misunderstanding. And then Hulk and the Avengers would unite to stop Loki, Count Nefaria, or possibly the Mad Thinker. But there's no way Stan Lee would EVER want to write this garbage, least of all because it craps on the universe he created. |
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Tales of Newsarama 2: The Banning Thing |
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Tales of Newsarama 2: The Banning Thing by: Doom and Scarecrow 2007-08-15 Doom: I suppose it is a tad pathetic when 50% of your supporters also support Scott Pilgrim. And the other 50% is a Marvel loving Quesadaite. Scarecrow: Terram is a house-troll, anyway. Doom: Yeah. Massah MoneyMelon allows him to shuck and jive at dinner parties while trolls like me have to pick cotton. Scarecrow: I hear Lady Carrie's even been teaching him to read. Doom: That's some Driving Miss Daisy bullshit right there. |
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Countdown Month 3 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Nixon, Black Goliath and the Fanboy 2007-08-15 Black Goliath: In this issue, VenoMary teams up with The Riddler and shoots off Clayface to space, Karate Kid prepares to leave this time period, and Donna Troy, Jason Todd, and Ryan Choi leave to go the Palmerverse. If any of that makes sense to you, or even worse, it sounds like a grand ole time, then please get help right away. The storyline is truly slow and uninteresting, which is weird, since this is supposed to be the blow em' title. The only thing that seems like a joy to read is VenoMary flying around beating up people and showing off a bust of Power Girl proportions, but even that is getting old pretty fast. |
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JMS is Pissin' All Over Us |
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by: The Fanboy 2007-08-05 In just a little over 6 years, think of what he's done to Marvel and comics as a whole: 1) He sullied the most classic origin story of all time (Spider-Man's) by making it some mystic totem crap. I mean, what next, turning the radioactive material in Daredevil's origin into some sort of a magical xylophone? |
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52: World War III! Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner and Generalissimo Furioso 2007-07-19 Doom: Oh, you thought 52 would be merely a self-contained 52 issue weekly series. You thought wrong, motherfucker! When DC thinks of a way to squeeze money out of stupid fanboys, DC finds other supplementary ways to squeeze money out of fanboys. Such is the case with WWIII the miniseries, which in actuality is not really about World War III itself. No, it's about taking continuity points and filling in Point B (as the OYL jump meant continuity went from Point A to Point C). So really, it's a combination of "things that should've been shown in 52 instead of being left unexplained" and "things people already picked up on". Meaning: USELESS. |
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Countdown Month 2 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger 2007-07-19 Generalissimo Furioso: Wowee, what a piece of shit we have here with Countdown 46! There's so much to talk about, I don't even know where to start! I'm pretty sure the demon made of dead babies is a pretty good place to start this foray into the realm of inane shittery. No, your eyes do not deceive you, this issue features the creation of a demon made of dead babies, and it's fighting Mary Marvel. |
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52 Month 11 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon, the Fanboy and Doctor Wankenstein 2007-07-11 Doom: YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. OSIRIS GOT KILLED! AND IN A WAY IN WHICH IT MAKES IT VERY HARD FOR DC TO BRING HIM BACK! Finally, the Lord has answered my prayer. I hate annoying teenage bitches and, contrary to my hopes, DC has kept a majority of them alive (Superboy-Prime, Anarky, Inertia, Match, Supergirl), but one them bit the dust here in a spectacular bit of mindless death and destruction. |
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THE SKRULLS ARE REAL! |
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by: David Icke 2007-07-11 Much like the Reptilians, the Skrulls possess the ability to mimic the human appearance, but they possess an even more devious power! Unlike Reptilians, the Skrulls can mimic the appearance of anything! That's right! Everything you can see could possibly be a Skrull! That new neighbor of yours, a Skrull! The new supervisor at work, a Skrull! That fancy new credenza? IT'S A SKRULL! The only way to be sure that anything you own or see isn't a Skrull is to either send me $50 for an authentic David Icke Skrull-O-Meter. |
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52 Month 10 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon, Black Goliath and Doctor Wankenstein 2007-07-11 Doom: Sometimes 52 goes for a complete one issue story instead of dividing up the pages between various storylines. I prefer the latter because it gives changes of scenery, therefore making it easier for me to not fall asleep in my computer chair whilst reading the issues. Considering the one issue story in Week 40 is Steel...well, I needed a lot of caffeine just to stay awake during the 20-some pages of a black Superman fighting off cannon fodder and an effete bald man. |
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Illuminati? More like Jerkluminati! |
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Illuminati? More like Jerkluminati! by: The Hulk 2007-07-04 NOW TONY STARK DIRECTOR OF SHIELD AFTER KILLING CAPTAIN AMERICA AND CLONING THOR IN CIVIL WAR. HM, HULK THOUGHT CIVIL WAR HAPPEN HUNDREDS YEARS AGO. STUPID EDUCATION SYSTEM NOT TREAT HULK RIGHT!!! TONY DRUNK BEING DIRECTOR OF SHIELD MEANS HE IN CHARGE OF EVERY SUPERHERO IN COUNTRY AND NOW HE WEAR STUPID LOOKING BLUE AND BLACK JUMPSUIT THINGY. HULK NEVER LIKE THOSE, MAKE HULK LOOK STOUT. |
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The Flash: Fastest Man Alive #13 Review |
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The Flash: Fastest Man Alive #13 Review by: Alex Ross 2007-07-04 BEST. ISSUE. EVER. |
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Countdown Month 1 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Generalissimo Furioso and Nixon 2007-07-04 Doom: But luckily for you, we intend to be on time in our writing on this. No more several month delays! Shit, as of this writing, we're not even done with 52 shit, although we will be...eventually. I won't let Countdown fall behind just because of prior obligations to a prior shitty series. Hey, we're like real DC, starting the new thing before finishing the old thing, only we won't publish the rest of the 52 Roundtables in an Annual 4 months from now. And no Allan Heinberg! |
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Hawkeye is NOT a ninja!!! |
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by: The Fanboy 2007-07-04 If there's one thing I know about Hawkeye, it's that he won't allow some nigger to talk about Cap without him getting to have his say in the form of a long, rambling monologue punctuated by loudmouthedness and shirking of conversational rules followed by high society. That Brubaker didn't even give him ONE line in the issue just shows a) Ed Brubaker's contempt for the fans and for the Marvel Universe as a whole, b) the lack of logic going into the death of Captain America storyline, and c) Marvel's unspoken policy of raping the character of Hawkeye. |
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Supergirl Redesign: The Awful Change |
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Supergirl Redesign: The Awful Change by: Chuck Austen 2007-07-04 No one who used to read Supergirl wants to read the book as a regular teenager who struggles with real teenager problems. Realism in comics? Bah. There's one reason and one reason only why comic books even still exist: sex. You saw how popular cheesecake art was back then, and it's the only thing keeping it afloat now. I'm sure many of you are now saying "Oh, Chuck, that's not true...Civil War blah blah blah". No. I'm correct. |
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World War Hulk #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2007-06-21 Who needs political commentary on current events and all that complicated crap when you got explosions and loud, hilarious sound effects (like KRAKKABA-THROOM!)? |
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52 Month 9 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Dizz, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and Black Goliath 2007-06-14 Black Goliath: Lesbian kissing scene. Diplomatic gestures by a world power. Megalomaniacs planning dastardly deeds. Sounds great. Just one thing. Since this is Christmas, we need the mandatory "happy, happy, snowy, Santa" issue. Not bad, but not great either. What? Nothing actually happens storywise? Okay, not a good sign, but not a deal breaker. Wait, what did you say? Lex not getting anything for Christmas is the high point of the story? Oh shit. |
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52 Month 8 Roundtable |
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by: Geoff Johns, Mark Waid, Greg Rucka, Grant Morrison, Dan Didio, Paul Levitz and Superboy-Prime 2007-06-14 Dan Didio: People often ask me, "Dan, dear leader, why is DC so great?" After yelling at them for hours about why it's wrong to question me ever, I give them the answer: 52. 52 is the reason DC is so great. It has everything, literally. Great characters, great continuity, great storylines, great writing, art that is in fact art, and even origins of obscure characters by famous artists who can only tolerate drawing two pages for us. |
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Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #12 Review |
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Flash: The Fastest Man Alive #12 Review by: Alex Ross 2007-05-20 BARRY ALLEN GOT SCREWED!!!! SCREWED, I TELL YOU!!!! |
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52 Reasons 52 Sucked |
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by: Doom 2007-05-07 |
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Onslaught Reborn #3 Review |
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by: Zombie Sam Loeb 2007-04-28 We left off in Onslaught Reborn #2 with Hulk and Thor about to fight. But one of them was secretly Onslaught. I don't remember which, nor do I care. See, my dad only has about three plots he uses. One is a mystery where Two-Face is a suspect. Another is a hero splits into a good side and a dark side. The third, which he uses in Onslaught Reborn #3, involves having two heroes, one of whom is mind controlled, fight for no reason. I must get my KICKASS WRITER GENES from mom's side of the family. |
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Tony Stark: Fascist or Dictator? |
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Tony Stark: Fascist or Dictator? by: Scarecrow 2007-04-28 In fact, I wouldn't doubt it if Tony Stark had never been in a single fight in his entire life! He's already been caught staging fights to win public opinion during The Great War Against Oppression ("Civil" War, my ass), so who's to say he hasn't been doing this his entire career? He is a futurist, after all (more on that bowel-emptying term later). Plus, can anyone even name an Iron Man villain? |
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52 Month 7 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner, Dizz, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath, the Fanboy and Steve Niles 2007-04-26 Black Goliath: If I was a fan of DC, I might've actually gave a fuck about the characters or the horrible plot. Unfortunately, I don't. One part that did stand out was the Bill O'Reilly interview. Leave it to the crackers of DC to make the only entertaining scene about a white guy harassing a "uppity nigger". "How dare you bring your nappy headed ho in my studio, you filthy sambo! "You may paint yourself silver, but you're not pure enough for me!!" |
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Green Lantern #18 Review |
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by: Jurassic3000 2007-04-18 Well, Sinestro's decided to form his own space organization called the Sinestro Corps because he's run out of ideas. Apparently, he forgot about all the times he lost despite having a yellow ring (I know they've changed the weakness, but damnit I'm trying to explain this to everyone the best I can), so he's decided to set up a bunch of potential villains for disappointment and black eyes. |
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How to fanboy it up over Civil War #7 |
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How to fanboy it up over Civil War #7 by: Doom and the Fanboy 2007-04-17 The big one. The all or nothing issue. The culmination of everything you've complained about for the last 10 months. The grand finale. The final showdown. And so on. This one separates the fanmen from the fanboys. If you fuck up criticizing Civil War #7, you might as well hang up your mouse, cancel your Newsarama account and call it a day. |
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52 Month 6 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner and Nixon 2007-03-24 Bruce Banner: We should mention a key departure within 52. After 20 or so issues, editor Stephen Wacker left the project in favor of joining the editorial staff of DC's competitor, Marvel Comics. I do not wish to heap conjecture onto the discourse, but one has to wonder whether or not Wacker became disenfranchised at DC solely because of 52's low quality and intensive schedule. I fall into the former camp, and I believe it to be a bad harbinger if the editor quits halfway through DC's grand experiment. |
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How to fanboy it up over Captain America #25 |
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How to fanboy it up over Captain America #25 by: Doom and the Fanboy 2007-03-21 The death itself is obviously going to take up the lion's share of the space, and for good reason. It is, after all, a fucking death issue. Cap's only died, what, several times before? Even in the fucking Jurgens run, he died. Yecch. Anyway, I say you ought to start off in the death department with a lot of skepticism, and a load of unfocused anger. The more emotional the rant, the better (and by 'better' I mean 'more insane'). |
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Marvel Initiative Solicitations Whine-Up |
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Marvel Initiative Solicitations Whine-Up by: The Fanboy 2007-03-10 BROTHER VOODOO? NOT MY AVENGERS!!! BRING BACK ROGER STERN |
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Onslaught Reborn #2 Review |
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by: Doom and Zombie Sam Loeb 2007-01-17 In the second issue, we see much more of the Heroes Reborn Earth. Since the Heroes Reborn Earth became a Counter-Earth hellhole a few years back, I'll go ahead and assume this is some sort of a pre-Wildstorm crossover Heroes Reborn universe. Back to the days of Nick Fury's huge penis cigars and Hawkeye looking like Wolverine for no particular reason. Oh, how I loved to loathe those days! |
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How to fanboy it up over Civil War #6 |
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How to fanboy it up over Civil War #6 by: Doom and the Fanboy 2007-01-09 A very popular target for scads of Internet legions, Iron Man works great because he doesn't even have to do anything to deserve the criticism heaped on him. But EVERY good instance of complaining up Civil War #6 NEEDS a reference to Iron Man. I personally prefer "Iron Maniac", "Iron Prick", "Iron Dictator" or "Enron Man". |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 6: Coping Method #5 |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 6: Coping Method #5 by: Doom and the Fanboy 2007-01-09 "Dan Slott actually cares about continuity, unlike Joe Quesada's group of pot-smoking nogoodnik story over continuityers." "Dave Cockrum never beat his wife, unlike some current Marvel EICs." "As opposed to the character raping exploits approved of by Butcher Joe Quesada, Dave Sim doesn't frequently destroy entire universes of creativity." |
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52 Month 5 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Dizz, Generalissimo Furioso, Nixon and the Fanboy 2007-01-06 The Fanboy: The space story is still incredibly great. How great? I legally changed my name to I Love The Space Story in DC's 52 Steiber (no hyperbole; check my driver's license)! Turning Lobo into an archbishop is a stroke of genius. What better way to bring back the original character of a badass over the top edgy guy than to make him a priest? I can't think of a better way. |
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Onslaught Reborn #1 Review |
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by: Doom and Zombie Sam Loeb 2006-12-30 Rob Liefeld is at it again, the 'it' being 'butchering comic books with his horrific art'. Why? Who knows. Maybe he does it to inflict pain upon fanboys. "Hahahahahaha, enjoy seeing The Thing look like Badrock, you stupid motherfuckers!!" Maybe he's autistic and can't recognize the wide hatred for his 'art', in addition to the autism causing him to scream wildly whenever someone removes the pencil from his hand. |
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Stan Lee Meets: The Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2006-12-30 I've said it before and I'll say it again - Marvel is too loyal to their creators. Who does this Stan Lee think he is, the creator of Marvel as we know it? Typical prima donna creators! Thinking the Stan Lee Meets event is about the writer and not the characters! Stan Lee is a good writer, I admit, but not important enough to warrant a delay. If it's not on time, the timely nature of the project takes precedence over the creator. Why doesn't Marvel get it? Why can't they be more like DC and retroactively announce a fill-in arc? |
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Tales of Newsarama 1: Daniel Way Wins |
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Tales of Newsarama 1: Daniel Way Wins by: Doom and Scarecrow 2006-12-29 Scarecrow: Newsarama should change its URL to exactly that: Sheltered White People.... Who Haven't Been Laid Doom: Hey, not everyone is MoneyMelon! |
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Civil War #5 Review |
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by: Steve Niles 2006-12-28 This story, by Mark "IMPOTENT" MILLAR and Steve "BLUE BALLS" McNiven, begins with Johnny Storm and Susan Storm FIGHTING THE SHIT OUT OF SHIELD AGENTS. This reminds Steve Niles of when Steve Niles scripted the first scene for 30 Days of Night, only STEVE NILES' VERSION INVOLVED A BROTHER AND SISTER FUCKING WHILE THE FBI WATCHED AND APPLIED BARBECUE SAUCE TO THEIR TESTICLES! THAT'S HOW STEVE NILES ROLLS! FUCK YEAH! |
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Infinite Christmas |
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by: Doom, Bruce Banner, Scarecrow, The Jewker, RoboCop, the Fanboy and Superboy-Prime 2006-12-25 Superboy-Prime: Perry White tells Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen to go write a deep and touching story about it and relegates Lois to her usual coffee duty. Women know their place on MY Earth, you dwellers of Earth-Faggot! So Superman decides to take some presents to the innocent boy "for Santa". That's...that's more moving than anything you fools could possibly HOPE to produce. |
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52 Month 4 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner, Dizz, Generalissimo Furioso, RoboCop, the Fanboy and Superboy-Prime 2006-12-25 Doom: As for the Cult of Superboy plot, Jesus Christ. I could come up with something more coherent if I were high on cough syrup and downing cheap shots of vodka while watching Videodrome. Which obviously pales in comparison to Grant Morrison's creative process. The cult makes absolutely no sense. Blood Kryptonite? Fancy robes? Rituals? WHAT THE FUCK!!! |
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Advertisements: How Marvel is destroying the comics industry |
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Advertisements: How Marvel is destroying the comics industry by: The Fanboy 2006-12-01 How bad are the ads, you ask? Very, very bad. So bad that before I even read the Marvel Comics (all on Third Alarm Boycott due to Civil War) I subscribe to, I post 500 times on Newsarama, blasting Quesada for the ads and how they totally ruined my reading experience forever. Every other page, an ad. On the back cover, an ad. Between panels of important story sequences, ads. Ads EVERYWHERE. In fact, Marvel stopped publishing a lot of comics just to replace them with ads for their bigger comic, Civil War. These are apparently called 'tie-ins'. |
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52 Month 3 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Bruce Banner, Dizz, Generalissimo Furioso, the Fanboy and Steve Niles 2006-11-26 Doom: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YES VICTORY IS MINE YES YES YES! LAST HISTORY OF THE DC UNIVERSE EVER! FUCK YOU, DONNA TROY! GO TO HELL, COMPUTER TALKING VOICE GUY! CHOKE ON YOUR OWN BEARD, MONITOR! IT'S ALL OVER, BABY! WOOOOOOOO-AW FUCK GODDAMNIT! IT FORESHADOWS AN UPCOMING EVENT AND DC PROMISES TO FEATURE MORE DONNA TROY, NOT LESS! |
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Black Panther Rules |
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by: Nilduh Dlaniger 2006-11-26 The original Black Panther was boring and complex so Hudlin reinvigorated the title and the character by putting a new spin on both, that spin being an urban one. The black community prefers references to contemporary culture more than complex political intrigue or deep introspection and commentary on the horrors of genocide in Africa. It's what the people want, man. Don't knock what the people want, you white nerds who live in their basements and nitpick 'continuity' and desire 'better' stories. |
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Black Panther Sucks |
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by: Josiah X 2006-11-26 Another storyline showed T'Challa helping with Hurricane Katrina relief, yet he DIDN'T do the right thing and kill President Bush for his involvement in funding the Jewish Weather Machine which led to Hurricane Katrina happening. No, T'Challa fights some vampires (aka random crackers) while the horrible deed of Hurricane Katrina goes unpunished. What in the name of Farrakhan (before he went cracker, of course)? Why won't Marvel let him fight the REAL enemy? |
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How to fanboy it up over Civil War #5 |
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How to fanboy it up over Civil War #5 by: Doom and the Fanboy 2006-11-23 While Goliath allowed for charges of racism or 'too inconsequential'/'too consequential', Jack O'Lantern and Jester give an opportunity for fanboys to use their favorite topic: continuity. See, in Brian Bendis' Daredevil run, the Jester died in a definitive way. Somehow, he's back for Civil War #4-#5 only to get killed again! Refer to Joe Quesada's 'dead is dead' remark from several years ago and call him a flip-flopping Marvel ruining tyrant. |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 5: Coping Method #4 |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 5: Coping Method #4 by: Doom and the Red Fox 2006-11-14 One could even argue that music nerds pull out the jump shark card faster than comics nerds, though music nerds call the jump shark card the sellout card (they mean the same thing). The constant band lineup changes and the releasing of new albums draw similarities to comics' old adage of "The old stuff was better". I'd say if you seek the easiest translation from comics to another thing to waste your life on debating, music has the smallest learning curve. |
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WildC.A.T.s #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2006-10-25 Compounding to this is the apparent continuity shifts in Wildstorm's universe. Uh oh, someone's pulling a DC! When the hardcore nerds don't know what's what, you're in deep shit. My proposed solution: either sell a $.25 comic full of pin-ups and explanatory profiles and timelines for the Wildstorm universe, or reboot the entire universe wholesale, or include a recap page on every comic. People shouldn't need to do research to enjoy their comics, fuckers. Last of all, learn to not do 'soft' rebooting, Wildstorm. The last time a soft reboot happened it was Zero Hour. ...Yeah, that's what I thought. |
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The Authority #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2006-10-22 In fact, the first issue reads like a British marital drama, as the main (and essentially only) character is a British Naval Investigation guy who faces a collapsing marriage and a cell phone he can't find. Seriously. That's the entire Goddamn story. Oh, and he investigates some unidentified object in the ocean with him and his football loving co-worker mates. GEE I WONDER IF THE HUGE UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT IS THE CARRIER. I'd settle for a double splash of Hawksmoor's balls at this point, man. |
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Civil War #4 Review |
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by: Elitist Self-Important Twat Douchebag 2006-09-27 First of all, McNiven's art is in color. Color art sucks. It gives off the impression that the art wasn't painstakingly mimeographed for hours on end and crudely stapled together in time for Wizard World Chicago. You know, REAL independent sequential art. Also, where's the people who look like me, bespectacled and crying all the time over an idyllic girl? Nowhere at all, because McNiven draws too many spandex wearing superpunks in his scenes. |
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DC: The New Frontier: A Hal Jordan Wankfest |
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DC: The New Frontier: A Hal Jordan Wankfest by: RoboCop 2006-09-24 And you've never seen boring until you watch Jordan experiment with his power ring. It can make anything he can think of and he just uses it to bury an alien (by lifting rocks with a light beam...no cool construction equipment or anything) and power his plane. No, he doesn't create a plane; he literally just uses the ring to fuel the one he had been flying. Cooke must've thought the story was getting interesting around that point and needed an injection of pure, uncut Columbian dull to balance it all out. |
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How to fanboy it up over Civil War #4 |
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How to fanboy it up over Civil War #4 by: Doom and the Fanboy 2006-09-20 Joe Quesada drinks the blood of children. |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 4: Coping Method #3 |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 4: Coping Method #3 by: Doom and the Drulk 2006-09-16 Morality-wise, it's a bit dicey as to whether you should drink or drug it up. I looked to the Bible for answers, but the Bible only advocated stoning for everything, which really confused me because why would you choose to get stoned with a whore if you find whores awful human beings worthy of death. Similarly, I looked to the Koran but found I couldn't read anything it said. Apparently, my mutant power isn't the ability to know every language in speech and in writing. Fuck. |
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Hollywood Immigrants: Stealing Comics Industry Jobs |
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Hollywood Immigrants: Stealing Comics Industry Jobs by: The Fanboy 2006-09-15 I've said it before and I'll say it again: COMICS ARE FOR CONTINUITY AND NOTHING ELSE! LEAVE STORYTELLING TO VIDEO GAMES! Every day filthy writers flood the market with good stories and new approaches and new ideas and I hate it! Stop injecting new culture into my industry, monsters! Make sure the comics reconcile events with other comics and ensure the comic's on time. That's all I ask. |
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The Boys |
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by: Doom 2006-09-09 Another Garth Ennis classic in the making. |
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52 Month 2 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner, Dizz and the Fanboy 2006-09-07 Doom: I call the next drink "Prime Punch" for reasons which will become obvious soon. First, grab whatever hard liquor you want. Then, a punch bowl. Then, punch. I don't know what the fuck punch is exactly, just steal it from a high school prom or something. Throw a lot of hard liquor into the punch, presumably all in the punch bowl. You can either drink it all on your own, drink with your friends, or give it to an unsuspecting high school prom or homecoming or whatever the fuck. |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 3: Coping Method #2 |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 3: Coping Method #2 by: Doom and Dizz 2006-09-07 Examples of famous friends: Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton, Leon Trotsky and Joseph Stalin before the exile and icepick unpleasantries occurred. |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 2: Coping Method #1 |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 2: Coping Method #1 by: Doom and Rammspieler 2006-08-31 Many important events in human history took place outside - for example, the Crusades, the French Revolution, the assassination of JFK [I still believe the assassin was outside when he shot Kennedy] and the filming of the first AND the last episode of Lawless all occurred outside any sort of building or architectural structure. |
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Pointless Waste of Time |
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The OFFICIAL Wizardworld Chicago Con Report by: Doom and the Red Fox 2006-08-24 The really washed up people, aka Dirk Benedict, wanted to charge us $20 for a fucking autograph. Fuck that. I need not trivialize my life further by owning a picture of the guy on the A-Team who wasn't Mr. T.
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Civil War Delays will destroy the Comic Book Industry |
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Civil War Delays will destroy the Comic Book Industry by: The Fanboy 2006-08-23 This is also backed up by the flat-out immature and irresponsible behavior by Tom Brevoort. Instead of putting himself on his hands and knees and begging us for his forgiveness, he composed himself as a working, living human being who realized the reality of the situation! I demand he be fired as a sign of goodwill towards the fans, because if Brevoort can't beat the extra pencils out of McNiven, he shouldn't work as editor of Civil War. |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 1: The Problem |
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Coping with Civil War Delays 1: The Problem by: Doom 2006-08-23 SOMEONE ACTUALLY SAID THIS: "So what Millar get sick and all of Marvel gets put on hold? I don't care if the guys dying let him die and get someone else to finish the title. Marvel is too loyal to its creators." |
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Steve Niles' Marvel Universe |
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by: Steve Niles 2006-08-17 Stan Lee always said Spider-Man was really about a kid splooging WEB FLUID everywhere when his aunt wasn't LOOKING, so I tried to stay true to Stan Lee's VISION of CUM EVERYWHERE. Oh, and no more of AUNT MAY or Spider-Man's stupid wife Mary Jane. STEVE NILES DOESN'T ROLL THE MARRIAGE WAY. Instead, in every issue, Spider-Man will fuck a new PLAYBOY centerfold. I'm getting Chuck Austen to write and draw the series, and every cover will be drawn by me - USING ONLY MY MAN-JUICE! |
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The Decline in Booth Babes |
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The Decline in Booth Babes and the Decline of Western Civilization: A Coincidence? by: Chuck Austen 2006-08-10 Convention Nazis, stop infringing upon my civil right of being able to see nearly nude chicks and objectify them accordingly. I want to see some tits and obviously an all-ages comic book convention is the best place to see them, since I've been banned from most strip clubs and bouncers at most clubs carry a copy of my mugshot with a caption "DO NOT LET THIS MAN IN". |
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Civil War #3 Review |
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by: Rammspieler 2006-07-29 OWNAGE |
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Not Live From San Diego Comic Con 2006 |
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Not Live From San Diego Comic Con 2006 by: Doom, Black Widow and The Fanboy 2006-07-29 The Fanboy: I can see it now. The Spirit to Ebony White: "What, are you dense? Are you retarded? I'm the Goddamn Spirit!" Hahahahahahahahahaha! I'm so original and funny! I'll have to relay the joke to my pals on Newsarama, they'll love it. |
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New Avengers - The Collective Review |
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New Avengers - The Collective Review by: The Fanboy 2006-07-26 Damn you, Bendis!!!!!!! |
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I Killed Your Mother! |
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by: Steve Niles 2006-07-14 If Steve "Comics Genius" Niles wants somebody murdered, he goes to the police station, cold cocks a cop [WITH HIS DICK] and steals himself some weapons. He then murders the person he wants to murder, drags the body over to the police station, and says: "I'm Steve "30 Days of Night" Niles and I murdered this sorry dead motherfucker. I killed them with your weapon, pigs, and if you want to do anything about it, let's kung fu it out. I'm Steve "Talked to Joe Quesada" Niles and I know kung fu more than anyone on the planet. Try me, cocksucker." |
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Phoenix: Legacy of Fire MAX Review |
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Phoenix: Legacy of Fire MAX Review by: Chuck Austen 2006-07-05 Mike Marts once said to me regarding that, "Name one person who would ever love being ice pissed on, you sick freak of a man". After giving him a pamphlet on ice piss and jizz fetishists, he became sickened and fired me off the X-books, in fact. I've always wondered if an X-Men comic would ever depict sex so frankly, accurately, and boner-inducing as I intended to, and Phoenix: Legacy of Fire is like a dream come true of sex first and story second. |
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Raider Grudgematch: Battle of the Top Cow Stars |
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Cyberforce v2 #0 vs. Witchblade #96 by: The Red Fox and John Madden 2006-07-05 This may be one of the hardest Grudgematches to figure out the winner, I hate these comics so much. |
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Raider Grudgematch: Battle of the Needless Relaunches |
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Wonder Woman #1 vs. The Flash #1 by: Doom and Scarecrow 2006-07-05 I must note one of Allan Heinberg's other jobs was co-writing JLA with Geoff Johns, who he shares a studio with. Geoff Johns collaborated with Phil Jiminez on Infinite Such-And-So-On. The conclusion? Geoff Johns is a fag hag. |
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52 Month 1 Roundtable |
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by: Doom, Nixon, the Red Fox and Bruce Banner 2006-06-26 Doom: If I type out any more words about something involving Donna fucking Troy, I'm apt to blow my brains out. |
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Civil War #2 Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2006-06-25 Spider-Man in the last 40 years has always been about a kid who has a secret identity as a superhero and can't ever tell anyone about it because of the danger it would pose for his friends and family. That's the entire character. To change him at all is to ruin the character entirely. How are we ever going to have stories where Peter has to decide on who to go to the malt shop with, or how are we ever going to have stories where Peter frets about his secret identity? We can't anymore and that's a shame because of how many potential stories using those two premises have still not been done. Has Peter ever fretted over what his secret identity being revealed would do to his eligibility in the students vs. teachers basketball game? I think not, and it could've been really compelling, but Quesada and his peacenik hippie buddies ruined the chances of that story EVER happening. |
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Gays in Comics |
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by: The Fanboy 2006-06-25 The biggest news of late has been Batwoman, who's going to appear in 52 as Renee Montoya's ex-girlfriend and wealthy socialite Kathy Kane. If you'll remember, in the Silver Age Kathy Kane was the name of Batwoman as well. I think it's terrible that DC is bringing the character into Post-Post-Crisis continuity without one of her most important character trait - her heterosexuality. I can't think of one Batwoman story that would've been what it was if Kathy wasn't straight. Plus, doesn't anyone find this sick? Pushing alternative lifestyles on all-ages books? No offense to gays--who anyone sleeps with is their business. But alternative lifestyles belong in non-mainstream books intended for older audiences. DC is truly obsessed with homosexuality and pushing it on their audience--even more than Marvel. |
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Superman/Batman #26 Review |
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by: Doom 2006-06-14 BUY THIS ISSUE OR SAM LOEB WILL DIE! |
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X-Men Fairy Tales #1 Review |
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by: The Red Fox 2006-06-14 There are a few attempts in this comic to add a few moral lessons that all people should learn in order to live their life. There are things such as mercy, not killing some thieves yet killing others, teamwork, working together for the common good, and friendship, believing in others instead of trying to kill them. Yes, these lessons are demonstrated throughout the comic to give you a feel good sensation that makes me want to puke. What ever happened to the old standby of being different yet wanting to help save the world even though the world doesn't appreciate you that X-Men has always used for great effect. Stop trying to ruin a comic that you have no relation to! |
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Liberality for All #2 Review |
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by: Doom and Rammspieler 2006-06-10 As I've made mention to in my musings on the plot, the fictional characterizations of real life conservatives in this book are the most hilarious thing I've ever read, and as most of you may recall, I read the Spider-Man/Jay Leno comic where Jay Leno magically gains ninja skills like if that was some obscure second hobby he always had.
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Marvel Mangaverse: The Ghost Riders Review |
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Marvel Mangaverse: The Ghost Riders Review by: The Red Fox 2006-05-29 "Chuck Austen is a bastard, can't write comics worth a damn, and must die." Simple, effective, and a very true statement.
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Checkmate #1 Review |
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by: The Red Fox 2006-05-29 Eventually there is a vote to decide if Checkmate will stay as an organization or not and everything seems to be coming up rosy until The People's Republic of China votes against them. Somehow China has the ability to veto the entirety of all of the other fifty votes that have been placed so Checkmate is going to be disbanded in a week.
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Civil War #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2006-05-21 Civil War is one of the few crossover titles that works. It's accessible, it's not laden with continuity but still respects what came before, events proceed logically, the writing and art are top-notch, and there's no universe punching. |
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Infinite Crisis #7 Review |
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by: Doom, Nixon, the Red Fox, Rammspieler, Bruce Banner/The Hulk, Black Widow and John Madden 2006-05-21 It's obvious Didio told Johns "Write this, this, this, this, make sure this doesn't happen because we need it for One Year Later, leave him for 52, kill him off, do this, this, this, this, this, this...AND IF YOU DON'T I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. THEN I'LL PUT OUT A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO GEOFF JOHNS' FAMILY ISSUE OF TEEN TITANS AND IT'LL SELL LIKE CRACK ON A THURSDAY. WHY DO YOU THINK SAM LOEB REALLY DIED? CANCER? DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!" |
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Infinite Crisis #3 Review |
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by: Nixon 2006-05-21 NOT THE PURPLE DEATH RAY. |
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Infinite Crisis #2 Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2006-05-21 I love continuity! |
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Hawkgirl #50 Review |
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by: The Red Fox 2006-05-21 Honestly who cares what happens to her, she's Hawkgirl. |
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Spawn #1 in 3D Review |
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by: Doom 2006-05-21 There's a dilemma for Todd McFarlane. Todd likes making money...a lot. However, he doesn't like doing what made him money in the first place, writing and drawing shitty comics, because that's time taken away from making money. |
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Supergirl #6 Review |
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by: Chuck Austen 2006-05-21 The two girls go on to fight some of the Kryptonians led by fake Superman. The issue ends with fake Superman saying something ominous. There's only one thing that it can mean: a three-some. FUCK YEAH. |
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Supergirl and The Legion of Super-Heroes #17 Review |
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Supergirl and The Legion of Super-Heroes #17 Review by: Rammspieler 2006-05-14 "AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm cumming in my tightie whiteys again!" |
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The Spider-Man Marriage: Threat or Menace |
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The Spider-Man Marriage: Threat or Menace by: Doom 2006-05-04 A fun Spider-Man with a horrible depressing life on the brink of poverty, a shit job he's been working for 10 years, no friends, no support other than his aunt [and I'm sure they want to roll her back to ailing wimp status, too], having nothing going for him ever? Might as well make it down to Earth with swarms of magic robots. |
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Infinite Crisis #6 Review |
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by: Rammspieler 2006-04-26 I bet that in Even Infiniter Crisis on more Earths: Rise of the Machines they will have product placement for what type of hair products Superboy Prime uses or that the Blue Beetle's new car will in effect be a VW! DC is already putting product placement in their new Rush City mini. |
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The Battle for Blüdhaven #1 Review |
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The Battle for Blüdhaven #1 Review by: Doom 2006-04-26 The explanation for the poor and ham-fisted writing can probably be attributed to Dan Didio, the greasy Italian behind DC's recent careening into incoherent continuity stupidity. I imagine him holding up Palmiotti and Gray up at gunpoint "I GOTTA HAVE SOMEONE WRITING THIS CONTINUITY-DRIVEN SHIT, SO DO IT OR I'LL RETCON YOU OUT OF EXISTENCE RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS." |
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The OMAC Project Special Review |
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The OMAC Project Special Review by: Nixon 2006-04-26 The end is that Brother Eye is destroyed....something that one would have hoped Infinite Crisis could have accomplished, instead of needing another tie-in to establish that he is "really, really dead". Like, totally dead. |
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Teen Titans #34 Review |
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by: Nixon 2006-04-14 I mean seriously, when daytime soaps are better at making twists and "shaking things up" than you, get out of the fucking writing business. Try accounting or something. |
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Moon Knight #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2006-04-14 Moon Knight is one of my favorite C-list characters. To say that he's a Batman who wears white is simplifying things. He may look like Batman visually, and he may have a mustachioed companion and a 'MoonCopter', but he and Batman are nothing alike. Only when he's written poorly is he a Batman substitute. |
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Teen Titans Annual Review |
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by: Nixon 2006-03-29 Now, the whole "they did the dirty" thing seems even less significant when you realize that Superboy (non-evil edition) is slated to die in the next issue of Infinite Crisis. That's right, it's that "last thing they do before they die" dealy where the character does something that's meant to be memorable and heartbreaking after the fact. Amazing! I wonder if he's also buying a boat called "The Liveforever". Then he'll really not see his death coming! |
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Superman: Red Son Review |
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by: Nixon 2006-03-29 One hilariously depressing thing is what happened to the creator/writer on the Superman: Red Son project, Millar. After making this great comic series, DC fired him. Yes, they let the guy who made a great, easily followed and enjoyable comic series that put a clever twist on one of DC’s biggest heroes, go. They canned him. Why you might ask? Well, they’re idiots, and this comic is clear proof. |
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Green Lantern: America's Boring Treasure |
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Green Lantern: America's Boring Treasure by: Doom 2006-03-26 I imagine that Alex Ross has a picture of Hal Jordan painted on one side of his bathroom mirror, which has a speech bubble above him saying "You're looking good, Alex!". And he also has a cardboard cut out of Hal that rides in his car's passenger seat. And he has a Hal Jordan blowup doll that he has sex with all night long. You see? All Hal Jordan fans are delusional power fantasy freaks. |
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V for Vendetta Review |
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by: Chuck Austen 2006-03-26 Christ, Natalie Portman's hot. Man, I would so totally fucking rape her in the ass and use a bottle of chloroform to muffle any of her screams from being raped by a love machine like me. |
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Nightwing #118 Review |
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by: The Red Fox 2006-03-26 Two Nightwings are worse than one. |
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Infinite Crisis Secret Files Review |
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Infinite Crisis Secret Files Review by: Scarecrow 2006-03-22 Shit, I almost forgot the best part of this all: It carries a 6-fucking-dollar price tag. I've come a long way and would never even possibly consider stating this a year or so ago but, go take your 6 bucks and buy two Marvel books.
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Teen Titans #33 Review |
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by: Nixon 2006-03-15 First they rescue people, then Superboy gets to weak to rescue people, then Nightwing gets knocked into water and nearly freezes! Then what? SUPERBOY SAVES HIM! HOORAY! THE DAY IS SAVED! Had me on the edge of my...edge there for a second.
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Outsiders #34 Review |
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by: Rammspieler 2006-03-12 Judd Winick also seems to be an expert at boring people to death with his self serving preaching about AIDS, people dying of AIDS, child prostitution and gays, because his comics are anything BUT entertaining. |
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Ant #1 Review |
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by: The Red Fox 2006-03-12 As she goes through a school playground, don't ask me why, she sees two kids fighting over a doll. There is a flashback to when she was young and got hit by a car after which she saw an ant. This is, by far, the worst superhero origin EVER! |
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Spider-Man/Jay Leno |
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by: Doom and Rammspieler 2006-03-12 Rammspieler: The writing is classic Zimmerman, which means that a lot of references to Hollywood are thrown around just to establish the fact that Mr. Zimmerman does indeed write scripts for several well known television series's. However, none of these series' have anything to do with action nor anything having to do with super hero comics. |
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Infinite Crisis #5 Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-03-05 Upon reading Infinite Crisis it strikes the reader as nothing but another Zero Hour style event. A former hero now villain wants to remake the universe to conform to his image of what perfection is, many radical changes are said to occur as a result of the event, DC flirts with killing the Flash again, there will be more problems than solutions when the series is thought to "fix up a lot of inconsistencies that have been plaguing DC continuity" and in a few years people will have little to no positive remembrance of it. |
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Batman Annual #25 Review |
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by: Bruce Banner/The Hulk 2006-03-05 SUPERBOY PRIME, FROM STUPIDFINITE CRISIS SHOWS UP IN THIS COMIC TOO! IT'S LIKE HE IS STALKING HULK THROUGH BAD COMICS! COMIC BOOK EXPLAINS THAT SUPERBOY PRIME GOT SO ANGRY HE PUNCHED THE UNIVERSE AND MADE TIME CHANGE, SO THAT JASON TODD CAME BACK TO LIFE CAUSE TODD SHOULD'VE BEEN ALIVE ENTIRE TIME! DC INTERNET NERDS CALL IT "CONTINUITY WAVE", HULK CALLS IT CRAP! |
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The Batman Strikes! #15 Review |
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The Batman Strikes! #15 Review by: The Red Fox 2006-03-05 Now honestly, what have they done to Batman? They have turned a great superhero into an overactive playboy who likes holding power conventions at his mansion and battling fictional characters. I know something about Batman, and that was just his cover to make sure nobody would guess he was Batman, not his secret identity.
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If I were EIC of Marvel... |
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by: The Fanboy 2006-03-05 Also, I think, during the retcon Peter and MJ should get divorced because there's no way an everyman would be able to marry a supermodel he's known since college, and if he was able to it destroys his everyman image because we all know that everyman characters can't be happy! |
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Infinite Crisis #4 Review |
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by: The Red Fox 2006-02-27 Next time when you think that it would be a good idea to read a comic book half way through, just don't do it. It is confusing, it is pointless, and it will fill you full of spite and hatred for others, in my case Doom. Life is worth living, so don't be a loser and read comics, at least crappy ones that you can't understand because they make no sense. |
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Watchmen Review |
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by: Chuck Austen 2006-02-27 In conclusion, there is no way that The Watchmen is one of the best comic book stories ever and it's horribly overrated. It has little to no sex, not ENOUGH violence, and way too much talking and philosophizing for it to be a good story. If you want a good comic book, try out Strips , by me. It's sort of like Archie if it had sex and drugs and more sex. It's much better than Watchmen and much more realistic because there's no way all of those superheroes could go one issue without fucking each other all the time. |
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Spider-Man: Get Kraven Review |
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by: Doom and Rammspieler 2006-02-14 It's Get Kraven, one of the tangentially-related-to-Spider-Man [the main character is the son of a dead Spider-Man villain] miniseries to sprout up over the years, and it's by far the worst. Written by a guy who really wants to break into Hollywood, it's not so much about the mighty Marvel universe and more about stroking the writer's ego. And to make matters worse, it's neither funny nor dramatic, so you're left with one big in-joke that, because you're not a hack, you don't get. But it gets worse. Much, much worse. |
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Uncanny X-Men: Holy War Review |
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Uncanny X-Men: Holy War Review by: The Red Fox 2006-02-14 Scientist A: So Johnson, what are you working on today. Still looking for that cure for cancer? Scientist B: Yeah, but it is getting repetitive and boring. If only I could do something fulfilling with my life. Scientist A: Well I heard of some crazy fanatics trying to find a way to kill people with communion wafers, how about doing something like that? Scientist B: That sounds like a great idea! My life finally has meaning! |
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Liberality for All #1 Review |
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by: Doom and Rammspieler 2006-02-14 I have been blessed with a generally left-leaning comic book industry for the past decade or so. Gone were the "Slap a Jap" uber-patriotic masturbatory days...or so I thought. But sure enough, here comes Liberality for All, a modern day Slap a Jap that's an idiotic tale about a renegade Sean Hannity and G. Gordon Liddy with XTREME eye patches and cybernetic arms against the Orwellian liberals and their United Nations lovin' government. If you think that's bad, you've only heard the tip of the iceberg when it comes to stupidity in Liberality for All. |
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Chuck Austen's Greatest Hits |
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by: Doom 2006-02-14 For a long time the father of Carter was never revealed, and in the comics it has still yet to be revealed, but recently from Chucktastrophe himself, it has been confirmed who the father was going to be: Magneto. I can see it now: "I'm a mutant supremacist on the go; perhaps I should have a one night stand with a human nurse, even though I hate humans, before I return to Asteroid M and threaten to reverse the blood flow of every world leader unless they surrender their countries to me." |
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Radioactive Man |
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by: Doom 2006-02-07 Overall, the series is one of the most enjoyable I've ever read. The satire is surprisingly sharp, the writing and art superb, and even if you don't get all the references to existing comics and industry history the stories are still fairly amusing. Also, this series is the first other than Captain America to show Richard Nixon as the insane would-be despot that he really is. |
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Raider/Counter-Raider: Marvel vs. DC |
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Raider/Counter-Raider: Marvel vs. DC by: Doom and the Fanboy 2006-02-07 The Fanboy: Thankfully, DC isn't doing things like 'changes', in fact, the only changes that DC makes are usually things that unchange an existing change, and that's something that I can get behind. |
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Spider-Man: The Other Review |
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by: The Fanboy 2006-01-31 The idea behind it is completely stupid because it's about the MYSTIC CRAP in JMS' run. This is easily the worst storyline in Spider-Man history, even worse than the Clone Saga because Ben Reilly was a great character that deserved to stay alive because he was so unique. |
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Wolverine/Punisher: Revelation Review |
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Wolverine/Punisher: Revelation Review by: Doom 2006-01-23 The Morlocks are supposed to be underground dwellers with no possessions of their own because they're fucking hobos. That information understood, explain to me how Revelation could have been cryogenically frozen by the Morlocks IF THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE HOMES. |
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Koroshiya 1 Review |
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by: Doom 2006-01-23 If you're a fan of bleeding dicks, this is the comic for you. |
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State of the Comics Industry Version 21.9 |
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State of the Comics Industry Version 21.9 by: Elitist Self-Important Twat Douchebag 2006-01-16 Take the new Green Lantern series for instance. It fucking sucks because Johns is using too much history of the character's exploits [mostly Silver Age] to affect his current storylines, and it's way too cheesy. I don't want to be embarrassed about reading comics about a guy with a magic green ring who fights crime with it and is weak against wood and the color yellow. I want comics my girlfriend [WHO I'M FUCKING] is interested in. I want comics that don't make me look like a geek because I'm insecure with my self-esteem and need to feel cool to feel like I'm worth something. |
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Teen Titans: The Future is Now Review |
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Teen Titans: The Future is Now Review by: Scarecrow 2006-01-08 This is perhaps my favorite arc of Johns' run so far. Many incarnations of The Teen Titans forgot just that; they're teens. Johns does a fantastic job through use of dialogue and character motivation that these are superheroes that, while being skilled and even experienced, are in fact teens. Relationships are handled quite well, Superboy and Wonder Girl come off as any other teenage couple in their early, awkward stage of intimacy. |
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Ultimate Fantastic Four: N-Zone Review |
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Ultimate Fantastic Four: N-Zone Review by: Doom 2006-01-08 Positive: No Victor Van Damme. That's the best positive an Ultimate comic can have, not containing a punk ass bitch gimboid with all the royalty and dignity of a shriveled goat penis who also has a Playstation controller strapped to his belt and who lives at Burning Man and controls killer robot bugs and has hooves and is related to Dracula. |
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Ultimate Fantastic Four: Doom Review |
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Ultimate Fantastic Four: Doom Review by: Doom 2005-12-23 He tattoos a new member of the Keep with is a little dragon tattoo that gives him control over anyone with that tattoo. Now that's a smart idea on Van Damme's part, but it's still lame. I wish he would've used a mind control agent that's not so...90's. Or at least give the tattoos the voice of Jodie Foster like on that episode of X-Files. Van Damme gets all angsty when he finds out his stupid little robots fucked up and destroys all his equipment in anger. Nice move, dumbass. Now you'll have to go to Radioshack de Denmark and get new shit. |
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Ultimate Fantastic Four: The Fantastic Review |
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Ultimate Fantastic Four: The Fantastic Review by: Doom 2005-12-21 Victor Van Damme? Are you FUCKING kidding me? I have no idea why they changed his name like that. Apparently they said it's to be more realistic, but it's a fucking comic where a guy named Molekevic becomes the king of an underground Mole Kingdom. |
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Supreme Power: Contact Review |
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by: Doom 2005-12-16 Meanwhile, a violent vigilante named Nighthawk shows up in Chicago and starts handing out his own brand of justice - but only to those who attack African Americans. And he's definitely no lightweight, either. His first appearance as a vigilante that we see has him ripping the ears off a Neo-Nazi. I don't think Batman's ever done that. Either way, this is a guy you do NOT want to fuck with. |
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One Year Later? |
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by: Doom 2005-12-02 Just say no to Supergirl. |
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All-Star Superman #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2005-11-20 Let me tell you: Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely have brought us the best Superman in years, and it could shape up to be the best ever. It's that damn good.
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X-Men Ronin Review |
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by: Doom and Rammspieler 2005-11-06 It physically hurts me whenever I have to read through the poor dialogue and the insistence of making everything sound like if it came off of some ninja movie. In fact, by the end of the series, it all just turns into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but with people with special powers and a guy with a really long tongue in the role of Splinter in place of anthropomorphic turtles and rats. |
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Infinite Crisis #1 Review |
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by: Doom 2005-10-15 Direct hit or radish? I decide. |
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House of M #7 Review |
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by: Doom 2005-10-15 For advantages, many people have been complaining about the glut of mutants hanging around, and I'd be very happy if people like Gambit and Lifeguard lost their powers forever. Especially Gambit, as he's a bad Wolverine knockoff that only appeals to slavering fangirls who will grow up to be cat ladies or Jhonen Vazquez stalkers. Killing him would be nice, too. But I digress. |
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All-Star Batman #2 Review |
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by: Doom 2005-10-12 What this quote signifies is Miller's large departure from the usual Batman character - in All-Star Batman I wouldn't be surprised if an issue ends with Batman taking off the cowl and revealing himself to be Marv from Sin City or even Frank Miller himself. |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Sins Past Review |
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Amazing Spider-Man: Sins Past Review by: Doom 2005-10-08 GWEN'S A FUCKING WHORE |
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The Problem with Infinite Crisis |
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The Problem with Infinite Crisis by: Doom 2005-09-24 At SDCC, Didio or Levitz or one of those guys announced that 4 or 5 titles will not be affected by Infinite Crisis. 4 or 5??!?!?!! Jesus, looks like people who aren't 'all in' will have Plastic Man and Plastic Man to read. Great. Remember the last time there were huge events all the time? Market crash. Yeah, that was a nice turn of events, wasn't it? |
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Supergirl #1 Review |
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by: Scarecrow 2005-09-24 Jeph Loeb just recently signed an exclusivity deal with The Enemy (Marvel Entertainment). Realistically, I just find that to be ludicrous, Loeb is perfectly capable of ruining a book (and character, well even more so, in this case) without any malice-laced intentions. He's possesses what you might call a "spotty track record". He's had a few hits, and many misses. |
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Batman #13 Review |
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by: Doom 2005-09-17 No soap! |
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Ultimate Spider-Man: Power and Responsibility Review |
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Ultimate Spider-Man: Power and Responsibility Review by: Scarecrow 2005-09-17 Norman Osborn's personality is unchanged, but now he bears much more of a resemblance to The Incredible Hulk than the 616 version. Peter is still a nerd, except now he's a web designer instead of a photographer and he speaks Hebrew occasionally, too! |
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The Fantastic Four: Build a Fantastic You Review |
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The Fantastic Four: Build a Fantastic You Review by: Doom 2005-08-11 "How am I supposed to keep my energy at full power with an armful of black-and-white mush, instead of my crunchy, crisp, and colorful goodies?" |
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Team Youngblood #3 Review |
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by: The Red Fox 2005-07-29 Youngblood is evil, was built by the Soviet Union, and will someday destroy us all. The American government should dispose of these comics much like we do nuclear waste, dig a big hole, throw the comics in, and fill it with concrete. It is the only safe and cost effective way to dispose of them. |
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Rob Liefeld's Captain America #1 Review |
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Rob Liefeld's Captain America #1 Review by: Doom 2005-07-11 In Liefeld world, instead of yelling "White Power" or "Heil" like regular supremacists, Alexander and his neo thugs yell the uber-lame "RIGHT ON!". It would work well if this were, say, "Wayne's World", but a Nazi rally? Sorta stupid. |
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New Avengers |
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by: Doom 2005-06-24 Bendis, you bastard! You killed Hawkeye! |
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Batman #11 Review |
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by: Doom 2005-06-24 "I've been wanting some strapping young boys recently!" |
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The Punisher |
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by: Doom 2005-06-02 What can I say, it was a period of creative, not to mention financial bankruptcy for Marvel. The Punisher was also given a sidekick, technology geek Microchip, and a "Battle Van". I would not have been surprised if Marvel topped it off with giving Frank a sarcastic robot buddy named "K.I.L.L.". |
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The Punisher: Kitchen Irish Review |
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The Punisher: Kitchen Irish Review by: Scarecrow 2005-04-09 I'm being honest in saying that I do have a quite a soft spot for The Punisher (Ennis's work in particular). It was pretty much solely responsible for quelling my DC "fanboyism". Punisher truly opened up a entire catalog of amazing comics that I wasn't previously privy to. It's a great title that has been currently enjoying one of the best runs in it's history and Kitchen Irish is no exception. |
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Alpha Flight #106 Review |
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by: Doom 2005-03-29 The basic storyline is that former 40's era superhero turned retiree [how he can be a hero in the 40's and still be alive 50 years later in health is a mystery that Lobdell never manages to solve] Major Mapleleaf -- I'm sorry. I have to pause for a moment to laugh at the dubious name. Honestly, do you see Doctor Doom named 'Gypsy Gadfly' and Magneto 'Star of David'? More proof that Canada is backwards. |
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Screwed Up Comics 4: Red, White and Boot Up Your Ass |
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by: Doom 2005-03-20 There've been many wars, but none of them captured comics' overtly racist imagination like World War 2 did. Overnight, above the law vigilantes told us to beat them damn people different. This is their story. |
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X-Men/Fantastic Four #1 Review |
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X-Men/Fantastic Four #1 Review by: Doom 2005-02-25 The question this miniseries raises is, "Why did Marvel approve this?". A tired crossover between two already established teams that already have too many books for their own good. So it must be simply because of marketing. There's an FF movie coming out this summer, and everyone knows the X-Men, so why wouldn't people pick this trade up at a booksellers? The problem is that the new readers possibly netted by this will never read comics again. |
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Dark Knight Strikes Again Review |
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Dark Knight Strikes Again Review by: Scarecrow 2005-02-25 Another problem I had was character development. Due to the aforementioned problem, loved characters usually come off as two dimensional. Green Arrow is a politics-obsessed communist (I love communism as much as the next guy but it comes off as trite here), Plastic Man is just an asshole, which is normal but when more fleshed out the character has redeeming factors. Hell, even the characterization of Batman is shallow. |
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Witchblade #80 Review |
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by: The Red Fox 2005-02-25 If you are considering buying Witchblade, I think you should contact me and we can have an intervention to stop you from ruining your life. Not only is it one of the worst comics plot-wise, it was also filled to the brim with ads that weren't even closely related to Witchblade, except the “soundtrack.” |
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Hitler vs. Stalin |
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by: Doom 2005-01-16 Now you must die at the incredibly inefficient and incompetent hands of Mother Russia! |
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Fanboy Letters |
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by: Doom 2005-01-03 "Dear Spider-Man, my girlfriend died after being pushed off a bridge and erroneously caught by an arachnid superhero. For this reason, I am offended that you would have such a storyline in your comics." |
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Screwed Up Comics 3 |
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by: Doom 2004-12-31 No! If my face is seen...somebody DIES! |
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Comics Satire |
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by: Doom 2004-12-01 Jonah: I was getting it from a costume shop, WALLCRAWLER! I just got a bit carried away, you ARACHNID FREAK! [cigar materializes out of nowhere] |
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Avengers Disassembled |
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by: Doom 2004-11-24 Issue opens with Stark getting his ass booted from the seat of Secretary of Defense, because he threatened to kill a Latverian representative. Goodbye slightly changed status quo of Iron Man! Iron Man rushes to the Mansion, and by ‘rushes' I mean ‘gets there at an increased pace'. |
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Screwed Up Comics 2 |
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by: Doom 2004-11-21 Sink the Japinazis with bonds and stamps! |
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Avengers Disassembled: The Tie-Ins |
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Avengers Disassembled: The Tie-Ins by: Doom 2004-11-17 The Avengers began as collaboration between Lee and Kirby. They put the most popular solo heroes of the era onto a team, much like DC did with the Justice League. There was the constant upheaval of the team – members left, new heroes joined. This has always made Avengers a tough sell – I mean, who wants a book with Gilgamesh and Black Knight when they could be reading about Spider-Man or Punisher? |
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Screwed Up Comics |
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by: Doom 2004-11-11 The bride of Jungle Jimmy! |
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Ask Doom | ||
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by: Doom 2004-10-19 Nightcrawler is involved in massive conspiracy with Church of Humanity, who plans to install Nightcrawler as Pope, somehow, and simulate the rapture using exploding communion wafers. |
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DC/Warner Brothers: A Match Made in Heaven | ||
DC/Warner Brothers: A Match Made in Heaven by: Doom 2004-09-01 Plastic Man Who the fuck cares? |
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