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Blog Moron of the Week
by Generalissimo Furioso
As many of you are aware, most of the prominent members of the Daily Raider writing staff are situated in the state of Wisconsin, America's living conundrum. Despite being a predominantly "blue" state, there are many people who vote red (the bad kind of red). They manage to completely counteract anything the Democrats attempt to do. The result is a state that never gets anything done and leaves everyone within it worse for the experience. This week's Blog Moron is one of those people who probably not only cancel out my votes but also takes away precious bandwidth away from the bloggers who write things that are much more hilarious to read than his tripe. So without further ado, I introduce:
http://texasholdemblogger.wordpress.com/
TEXAS HOLD 'EM BLOGGER: THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN...IN WISCONSIN
Yep, he's one of those millions of people who enjoy playing Texas Hold 'Em (the boring and stupid kind of poker that was invented for the retards in Texas who didn't know how to hold more than two cards), the game that helped to warrant ESPN2 on my cable provider (thanks for the extra $2 on my bill, you bastard). On the other hand, you have to love a guy who thinks that the news used to deliver conservative opinions and the same tired old jokes that Rush Limbaugh made several months ago... Oh wait, you have to hate him for being stupid. Oh, for the record, no-holds-barred usually implies that you're saying something that's going to offend people, not make your fellow elephant rapists congratulate you with a circle-jerk. But I might be overreacting (we Puerto Ricans do tend to be hot-blooded), so let's take a gander at his profile.
Notice the totally unnecessary and pretentious "Welcome to my world." at the top, indicating that somehow he believes that he and I live in totally different worlds, when in reality, we live in the same world, only that he lives in Racine (aka Milwaukee's slightly more inbred cousin of a suburb) and I live in the actual city, where I actually get to meet and talk to people with different skin tones than I have! Also notice his interests: politics, teaching (which somehow happens to involve politics) and good ol' American football (or as we at the Raider like to call it, THOWBA!). The fact that he enjoys watching men smash into each other while chasing a brown piece of rubber must mean that's truly capable of telling me how to think! Another trait usually found with fuckwitted bloggers is the fact that he claims to enjoy reading, but then goes on to list completely pointless forms of literature like historical non-fiction, biographies (because Reagan really did kill Gorbachev by impaling him with the American flag!) and other blogs. Then the American Legion baseball. I don't know what the American Legion is, nor do I really care since it sounds like something that involves saying the Pledge of Allegiance every time you score a run instead of chugging a beer.
But what does Texas Hold 'Em Blogger really stand for? Is he some mild-mannered teacher by day and crime-fighting vigilante at night? I wish. Instead, what we have here is a conservative go-tard with a massive boner for Fred Thompson and an almost mind-boggling lack of wit or cleverness. Take this post of his as a common example of what Texas Hold 'Em writes.
Notice anything particularly off about that entry of his? It's not the punctuation, it's not written in eye-blinding pink on yellow... Maybe it's the total lack of original thought! Texas Hold 'Em just took an endorsement for Fred Thompson from another conservative website and pasted it right here for no good reason. I was going to stop right here, but then I decided to take a peek at Human Events' website to see what the big fucking deal was. That's when I noticed this ad prominently plastered at the top of the screen before anything else of importance.
Yes, people, this is an ad for teaching you the ultimate mode of killing people with your bare hands. I find it especially funny that they clump all martial artists into a giant group (they're like the 5 Jew Bankers, only they're in charge of all the roundhouse kicks and flaming uppercuts) and then claim the Army (which conservatives always seem to support for some bizarre reason) doesn't want you to learn these secret moves because they allow you to kill a man with your bare hands. Now, I'm not a fancy big city level 99 Psycho Space Ninja, but it seems to me that the Army would want you to know these moves since you could then join the Army and kill people without having to spend thousands of dollars on bullets and guns. That and the fact that despite whatever Kung Fu you do, a well-placed knife strike or gunshot will settle your hash plenty fine.
Of course, Texas Hold 'Em wouldn't be a Conservative blogger without making borderline treasonous and definitely racist/ignorant statements about Democratic candidates!
Wow Mr. Texas Hold 'Em Blogger, that's a rather old chestnut you pulled out right there! You're quite the fucking genius to take a name that sounds like a known terrorist leader's and then make them the same with a pretentious use of italics and ellipses. Hey, Texas Hold 'Em is almost like Sodom, which is also like Saddam! Texas Hold' Em is Saddam Hussein! (Though, more accurately, he's so damn insane.)
Texas Hold 'Em also seems to have a severe disdain for people telling idiots like him how not to kill themselves with deep-fried foods and coagulated dairy beverages.
Notice the prominent use of clever conservative "wit", as in using the names that always circle-jerk around their circles, Bloomingidiot, Algore and let's not forget that one that makes no sense, The Breck Girl. Used by people who have no wit or charm of their own to gather fervor around dehumanizing their opponents by making them seem like singular ideas, these names get old quick, yet Conservatives still use them constantly as if they were invented yesterday (like Slick Willy). Then take heed of the fact that he constantly berates the idea of communism and socialism by using the standard elitistism = bad argument. If we didn't elevate people to positions ahead of ours, what would we have? We certainly wouldn't have capitalism, representative democracy, THOWBA or any of the other things that Texas Hold 'Em loves. That and he ruins his entire point of anti-elitism by making a stupid jab at Racine Unified, thus proving that he thinks he's better than them!
Back to Texas Hold 'Em and his zany man-love for Fred Thompson...
Notice more of the Conservative "wit" at work here - The Huckster, Ronald Reagan and National Extortion Association (I assume it was a jab at the National Education Association, which is already incredibly withered thanks to idiots who hate learning and therefore want it to be done for free). But I just love how he assumes that Huckabee is being facetious with his claims about being the next Ronald Reagan. I have no doubt in my mind that if elected, Huckabee will also ruin our nation and attempt to destroy the mud people. Then we have Thompson, who's basically the presidential equivalent of "I uh... also have a preference for that, particular, of beer". He has no real ideas about anything, basically hoping that his years as the D.A. of New York City will serve him well... Wait a minute. Thompson is the next Reagan, if you consider Reagan as the terrible actor he was and how he wanted revenge against the world for his incontinence and crippling lack of erections. Because everyone remembers that scene from Die Hard 2 when Thompson told McClane to do that one thing and he totally did!
Since Texas Hold 'Em is from Wisconsin and a conservative, I just had to check his blog for mentions of UWM. Conservatives hate it for some reason, despite the fact that they fucking cheated me of Financial Aid for a semester for no good reason, and the school is comprised of mostly white idiots (whom are the majority of the Republican party).
That's 10 complaints about UWM and its policies. Complaining about how people smashed the window of the Army Recruiting center nearby (because they're giving aid and comfort to the enemy by smashing our windows!), whining over how those minorities have a better chance of getting accepted than a white guy with excellent grades and perfect scores on the ACT (destruction of argument: Why the fuck would that white guy want to go to UWM if he could easily get a full scholarship somewhere better?). For being a teacher (albeit an elementary school one), he sure doesn't know how to form a decent logical argument.
And for being someone smart enough to realize that the majority of 9/11 conspiracies are total bull-crap, he doesn't seem be able to form an argument against universal pre-school. Note his reduction of the argument to state that the government thinks it's smarter than the parents of the kids. I don't know about you Texas Hold 'Em blogger, but it seems to me that you assume that all kids are being raised by competent nuclear families whom want their kids to be happy and successful in life. In reality, I'm sure there are plenty of parents who would support more free education for their kids, especially now that in America, a college education is going to be nearly mandatory if one wants to avoid being a bootlick to a fucktard like yourself. Oh, for the record, the government does research on shit like this unlike people like yourself who hate children and therefore don't want to have to pay money to support them (See! I can twist arguments too!).
So to bring this week's Blog Moron to a close, Texas Hold 'Em just proved to me that freedom isn't free; it does have a cost. That cost being that although I'm able to speak my mind, people like Texas Hold 'Em also get to speak whatever is on his little bundle of nerves that the brain evolved from (oh wait, does Texas Hold 'Em believe in Evolution? Whatever.). If there was ever a sign to prove that we as a society are dying under our own ignorance and stupidity, Texas Hold 'Em blogger is it. I'm going to take a nap, wake me up when people like him have finally decided to drop nukes on the rest of the world. I want to be the guy who averts the nuclear holocaust!
View previous Blog Morons of the Week:
Month 1: Jacque Randroid
Month 2: Blogs for Bush
Month 3: Kirsten Powers
Month 4: Tom DeLay
Month 5: The Jacksonian
Week 1: Hearing It Right