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The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century
and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor,
cocaine and South American prostitutes.
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Nice idea, democracy. 2012-10-23 |
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America's thing with these
goddamn debates is getting out of hand. Thank Satan it's over now, until
the inevitable midterm circus and a full slate of garbage in 2015/2016.
Hopefully Iran's got the bomb and is willing to use it by then...
Also, it is alucidreality's
birthday today, a decent fellow I consider a good friend in spite of his
ethnic handicap. Happy birthday, you greasy wop bastard! Now get back to
work in the Raider salt mines. I'm sure there's an episode of
Felicity there with your name on it.
-Doom |
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Moth: The Butterfly's Ugly Cousin 2012-10-02 |
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Today we've got The Moth Diaries, an Irish-Canadian film that is essentially
Twilight if it sucked more. I don't know how I got through it
either.
-Doom |
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Dial P for Psycho
2012-10-01 |
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Welcome (?) to the Daily
Raider's...some number annual
Schlocktoberfest extravaganza, wherein every day we take aim at
something horror-related. (The definition of horror can and will be
stretched and mangled at any time at our discretion.) Our first entry is
House at the End of the Street, a movie that dares to be as generic as possible with its title
and with its content. But it's got Jennifer Lawrence in a white tank top
for about the last 30 minutes, so you could do worse if you want to pull
a Paul Reubens in the theatre. Just don't do it at a matinee showing,
have some goddamn self-respect.
-Doom |
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Eight is enough
2012-07-31 |
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Well, not really. Though this
is our eighth anniversary of starting up this little operation, we have
no intention of stopping, despite the rash of writers leaving due to
frayed personal relationships with the site caretaker (i.e., me) and my
increasing addiction to alcohol, benzos, cocaine and painkillers. Those
aspects and a lack of consistent readership would convince sane people
to give up and become investment bankers, but not us. We'll be around
until President Santorum closes down the Internet for our own safety. I'd
like to thank such site luminaries as Jazz/The Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso,
Black Goliath, Jedi Guardian, Ed Gein, Jurassic3000, Bruce Banner,
alucidreality and Hierophant for sticking by me in such troubled times.
You could've deleted my semi-coherent "WRITE SOMETHING GODDAMNIT"
e-mails or done something to dissuade me from my Quixotic quest. But you reading this shit doesn't care about that, you want to read the
articles Frankensteined into a vaguely coherent update.
Here they fucking are, you
little victims!
Bryce Harper, Conservative Hero, Mark Judge, Inveterate Idiot:
The Daily Caller wrote an article about creepy Washington National
Mormon Bryce Harper. It...wasn't good.
Bristol Palin: Life's A Tripp Review:
You know what this fucking thing is, people.
A Thousand Words Review: Eddie Murphy proves the tranny fucking
was the peak of his career with an incoherent parable "comedy".
Chernobyl Diaries Review: YEAH EXPLOITATION OF OTHER NATIONS'
TRAGEDIES FOR BAD HORROR MOVIES FUCKIN' ROCKS DUDE
Episode 50 Review: If you've found something for the first time
on NetFlix, just don't.
Superman vs. the Elite Review: Superman doesn't superman that ho,
nor does he superman ANY hos.
The Resident Review: A film that asks you to find Hilary Swank in
any way erotic.
These might not be the
greatest articles to grace the site, but they are articles that have
been written by beloved contributors such as me, the Red Fox and Rapeman.
We hope to give you more consistent coverage of Western Civilization's
ongoing decline, but you know, moving Raider HQ and happy hour can
always complicate things. At the very least you can count on there being
an update at some point in the future, or possibly the past.
See you, space cowboy.
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Statham Statham Statham
2008-10-09 |
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Jason Statham Jason Statham
Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham
Jason Statham Jason Statham Jason Statham.
-Doom |
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Big Fat Man Is Big Fat Dead 2012-03-04 |
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Andrew Breitbart's dead! He's
finally dead! Goddamn, I should've put that shithead in my yearly
deadpool. Oh well. We've got a goddamn smorgasbord of Breitbart-related
content for you little victims, starting with my Andrew Breitbart retrospective. Well, it's not so much a retrospective as it is an explanation for why you should be happy the fat fuck's heart imploded like the Kingdome.
Of course, Breitbart didn't
die of a heart attack, not really. That's too easy, which is why we
offer 100 ways Andrew Breitbart might've
really died. Two ladies contribute to that, proving even
the Raider is suspectible to the creep of Feminazism. There's also The Gayest Reactions to Andrew Breitbart's Death, also known as me mocking people for getting emotional about the live action model in the latest Winnie the Pooh movie dying from a deadly bee and masturbation attack.
Here's some weekly shit, all
about conservative assholes...ugh, my liver's been punished lately.
Anyway, read 'em!
Blog Moron Week 262: Big Freakout
Facebook Idiot Week 305: It's the most wonderful time of the yeeear...
YouTube Fuckhead Week
252: Politichicks: Zo and Whittle's Excellent Adventure
Did you? If you didn't,
fucking read them. If you did, read them again.
Finally, here's a review of Blade: The Anime, because there's only so much Breitbart can take without committing suicide. Check it out,
Augustus Hill's the voice of Blade. Yes, Snipes is still in jail. We're
working on getting Obama to issue a pardon. It takes some time,
Snipesaholics!
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Darryl 2008-10-08 |
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Previously, on the Raider:
Doom: I'm targeting
Shigeru Miyamoto.
Nixon:
Jameson's one
man campaign bankroll?
Doom: He's buying up
the Raider with yakuza money.
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: Blackmail.
That's how Miyamoto's getting everyone on board the train to Chinatown.
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: Where's the
blackmail box?
J. Jonah Jameson: I am
now in possession of the box, until the time is right to turn it over to
ThinkProgress.
SCENE CHANGE
Shigeru Miyamoto: What
about the files?
Doom: The Jews have
the blackmail box.
SCENE CHANGE
Shigeru Miyamoto:
Jewker has taken something that belongs to me.
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: I need a quick
Jewish political win.
Jameson: The city
controller, Tom Barrett.
Doom: He's in the
blackmail box?
SCENE CHANGE
Jameson: Tom, oh my
god!
SCENE CHANGE
Jameson: I want
Miyamoto in prison and out of my life NOW.
SCENE CHANGE
Shigeru Miyamoto: Von
Doom, this is Mr. Negative. Negative will speak for me.
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: If Negative gets
spooked, we lose our best shot at Miyamoto.
Jameson: That fed in
the writer's room-
Doom: Agent Chou's
looking to take down the Yakuza. Tying Miyamoto to them is win-win for
all of us.
Doom: She's in the
blackmail box?
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: How long has
Miyamoto had his hooks in you?
Chou: I thought it was
a tradeoff I could live with. I've kept you out of the mix. I'm in this
so deep and I don't know how to get myself out.
Doom: You're talking
to the right guy.
SCENE CHANGE
Rammspieler: Hanging
with Nixon is gonna push our heads under.
Doom: We need Nixon
right now. You know what's at stake here for me. Nixon's Jewish friends
can get to our families any time they want.
SCENE CHANGE
Jazz:
Nixon?
[explosion]
Nixon: Jazz I'm sorry!
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: And the way he
died...shit.
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: AND HE NEVER
TURNED ON US! You killed him because you were scared. He was strong and
you were a coward!
Nixon: All I was doing
was following your gameplan, coach.
Doom: You don't get to
do what you did for free. You're going to pay that bill.
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Flashback 2009-01-28 |
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All right, let's get this
shit over with, it's the morning and I am running dangerously low on
cheap wine. We've got an array of content, and by we I mean I. Well,
that's not entirely fair. I only wrote or co-wrote six of the
articles in the update.
Let's start out with a pair
of comics reviews, Mighty Avengers #21 and Wolverine: Evolution, the latter of which
is the worst Jeph Loeb comic ever. It's so bad it could be
written by Chuckles Austen. Bride Wars is another fucking thing I sat through for the purposes of...fuck it, I don't know anymore.
The weekly/inevitable Smallville review sees Clark go undercover as a cop. Also, the black guy is shot. What black guy? Exactly.
So, how about that economy?
It sure does suck. Especially for us because most of don't have jobs, or
futures, or reasons not to jump out the window like suicidal traders. Nonetheless, here's 50 ways the Daily Raider is dealing with the economic depression.
Raider/Counter-Raider: Should Bush be Executed? is exactly what you think it is.
NOTE TO ALL LAW ENFORCEMENT: WE DON'T REALLY WANT TO SEE BUSH
EXECUTED. WE JUST WANT TO HAVE A BEER WITH HIM...SO HE FALLS OFF THE WAGON AND GETS KILLED IN A DRUNK DRIVING ACCIDENT.
Finally, Jedi remembered we
have a PC section. Good for him! Here's Dawn of War II Preview.
Now fuck off, you cunts, I
have some feeling like shit to do!
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Death 2008-10-10 |
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The Jewker and I lambaste Shutter, a remake of a gook film starring none other than teen heatthrob Joshua Jackson. If you'd like to know more about Mr. Jackson, you can likely come across him at a Motel Six, where he blows men 9 months out of the year.
If you'd like to know more about Asian gash, contact the Jewker, the
Raider's expert in banging Asians and perpetuating the Holocaust myth
(those two things are mutually exclusive as far as we know).
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Nigga 2008-10-16 |
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You know the drill. This time it's Quarantine.
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Super Terrific Happy Hour 2008-10-31 |
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Gossip. Sure, on the face of it it may not qualify as a horror movie, but what would you call a movie starring James Marsden and Joshua Jackson?
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: More like Detective Unstabler! 2008-10-25 |
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Hollow Man 2 Review.
Kevin Bacon is replaced by Christian Slater. That's like going from a
Big Mac to whatever's in the dumpster behind Arby's.
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Ruck Zuck 2008-10-24 |
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Hollow Man Review time, fuckers. It's like the Invisible Man, only presumably the man's bones are hollow, allowing him the ability to fly.
Or at least glide. At least.
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Fuckit 2008-10-23 |
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The thing is, there are no
laws in this country against making direct to video sequels to
shitty movies. There should be, but there aren't. So that's how I
introduce Joy Ride 2, which is 100% less Zahnier.
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Uncle Leo. Forgot his
first name. 2008-10-15 |
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Previously, on the Raider:
Doom: I'm targeting
Shigeru Miyamoto.
Nixon: Jameson's one
man campaign bankroll?
Doom: He's buying up
the Raider with yakuza money.
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: Blackmail. That's how
Miyamoto's getting everyone on board the train to Chinatown.
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: Miyamoto's got
it in his head that the Jews have the blackmail box.
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: I need a quick
Jewish political win.
Jameson: The city
controller, Tom Barrett.
Doom: He's in the
blackmail box?
SCENE CHANGE
Jameson: Tom, oh my
god!
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: That was a
goddamn assassination!
SCENE CHANGE
Jameson: I want
Miyamoto in prison and out of my life NOW.
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: Agent Chou's
looking to take down the cartel. She's in the blackmail box?
SCENE CHANGE
Jameson: I'm turning
over the box to ThinkProgress.
Doom: What about
Julia?
Jameson: If she's
going to be dragged down to bust Miyamoto, so be it.
SCENE CHANGE
Jazz: Nixon?
[explosion]
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: You just dropped
a grenade in his lap, and what you'd do, just run?
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: I have a plan
that'll give Jazz the justice he deserves.
SCENE CHANGE
Jewker: This is taking
too long.
Nixon: I'll take a
look around.
SCENE CHANGE
Doom: We've gotta pull
Nixon out of there, man, we still have a choice.
Rammspieler: Do you
think that Nixon gave Jazz a choice?
Doom: I'm not Nixon.
SCENE CHANGE
Nixon: Where'd you get
those Asians, man, I almost got my dick shot off.
Doom: I tried to call
you.
Nixon: Yeah, Jewker
took my cell phone.
SCENE CHANGE
Patricia: Where you
been?
Nixon: Vic and Rammie
tried to kill me tonight. You know the worst part is, they think I'm too
stupid to even realize it.
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Flicker 2008-10-04 |
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Next up, I Know What You Did Last Summer Review. I know what I did last summer: drink, do drugs and...the rest is pretty blurry, actually. I wish I didn't remember this film.
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: St. Edith 2008-10-03 |
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On tap for tonight: House on Haunted Hill. But which one am I referring to, the Vincent Price cult classic or the Geoffrey Rush cult nothing?
You needn't ask the question, for if you know us at all, you know the
answer instinctively. Schlocktoberfest 2008 Part II: Now with more Chris
Kattan!
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: We've Got A Bigger Problem Now 2008-10-02 |
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Today's entry in
Schlocktoberfest may be the scariest one yet: Rock Star. Mark Wahlberg, Jennifer Aniston and heavy metal
of the 80s. Carnac says it's three things you'll definitely encounter in
Hell. Shit, I'll have to pack my coffin with all my KMFDM CDs if that's
the case.
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Secret Skin 2008-10-01 |
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Hey, it's October! You know
what that means: Schlocktoberfest. First up is Ninja Cheerleaders, which is exactly what it sounds like, plus the gay guy from Star Trek. You know which one I'm talking about.
Smallville: "Plastique" Review is what it says it is. No, you can't stop us from writing about this shit.
Politics refuses to go away,
so I threw together two articles about repositioning Muslims as the new
Evil Empire and the GOP's latest code for "A NIGGER COULD WIN!" Check
out Muslims: Our New Soviet Union
and 'Inexperienced' is the new 'black',
bitches.
Plus, we're never getting
sick of comics. Well, at least never getting sick of making fun of bad
comics, as this trio of reviews will show you:
Ultimate X-Men: Absolute Power Review
by myself, which depicts the dangers of the Steel Man from The Wizard
of Oz taking drugs;
Hulk #6 by
Banner and his alter ego, more of the same Loeb crap, and the
clusterfuck we like to call
Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 9 Roundtable.
-Doom |
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RAIDER CLASSIC: Apple of Sodom 2008-09-14 |
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Take off your Sunday best and
put on a KMFDM tee and cargo pants, because it's Raider Time TM! Mr. Beam, I presume tries to teach you ingrates to appreciate a whiskey that blurs the line between bum and normal.
The fall television season is
getting started, and you know what that means: I try to review all the
new shit, which leads to increasing amount of alcohol until I'm a
shambling mess haunting the UWM campus, muttering shit about the CW
killing my dreams. It seems only appropriate to start out with the Dub's
new piece of shit, Privileged. How fucked up is it that I'm looking forward to the return of Smallville (or what our experts call The Ville?)
Oh well, it's difficult to stay angry for long when the muthafucking
SHIELD is on the air. See my attempts at criticism here with "Snitch"!
...and then there's Saturday Night Live: Season 34, Episode 1: Kill Me Now.
I think that's self-explanatory as fuck.
Let's cap things off with the
regulars:
Blog by Ramm, Furioso and myself; YouTube: Jon Stewart is a fucking pussy
by Furioso and myself; and I go it alone (albeit with an assist from our
favorite veteran) for
Facebook Idiot Week 80. These actually weren't the soul sucking
grind they usually are. Woo!
Don't think these are RAIDER
CLASSICS? Well, fuck you. If Marvel can put out the oxymoronic
Essential Dazzler, I can dub these whatever the hell I want.
-Doom |
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Mysterons 2011-09-11 |
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Goddamn fucking Charlie Sykes
time warp shenanigans! 3 years into the future? Really? What the fuck am
I supposed to do with that? Well, at least we've been transported to my
favorite holiday of all time, 9/11. Remember 9/11? It was that fun time
when I was Canada and was able to see America lose its shit from the
perspective of a dispassionate third party. Since then, the annual
celebratory mourning has amused and angered me such that I look forward
to the annual outpouring of narcissistic "self-reflection" and grief
porn like a kid hoping for a video game system on Christmas. Thankfully,
I never get a fucking 3D0 or a Playstation 3 before they realized what
all the retarded bits were. 9/11 X (we might as well label them like
Super Bowls) lives up to all my expectations and then some.
First, let's get the weekly
shit over with. Fortunately, 9/11 provided a multitude of shit to make
fun of, like Herman Cain's crazy 9/11 video,
9/11 Facebook Style,
9/11 Tearjerkers, Vol. 1. Yes, I found so much Blog material the 9/11 reaction mockery won't end with this week. At least it'll save me the effort of trying to find new topics to address every time.
We also have some nice guest
editorials, such as Rudy Giuliani's
9/11: The Best Lay I Ever Had
and Osama bin Laden's Haha, fuck you, America!.
How did we get work from a man who's dead? I will answer that question
with another question: how did we get work from a man who's dead on
the inside? I also penned my own editorial about the problem with
9/11 and the start of the NFL season occurring on the same day. It's
titled 9/11 and football: too much for one day
and the only time you'll ever see me not...praise, per se, but defend
football.
The coup de grace comes in
the form of the 9/11 Review
in which I argue the whole thing's a bit overblown.
Finally, I have an
announcement to make: I'm tired as shit of this time traveling bullshit
and after I had Black Goliath threaten to force his black goliath down
Charlie Sykes' daughter's throat, he agreed to not send us back and
forth in time anymore. But you'll notice there's still about 3 years
worth of articles left unpublished. What the fuck to do with that? Well,
I'm pleased to announce the institution of RAIDER CLASSIC, a concurrent
series of updates that will print articles so classic you've never even
read them before. The goal is to do the regular Sunday/Wednesday
schedule with as many RAIDER CLASSIC updates in between those as
possible. We'll bridge the gap and hopefully we'll start writing so far
in advance we'll have reviews of 2012 movies before they even come out.
Sure, they might not "bear any relation to what actually happens in the
movie", but don't you want to be among the first to know that Hawkeye's
wife is raped by ghost cowboy hero and the pair divorce because Avengers
don't kill anyone, even if they're a ghost cowboy rapist? Or that Thor
dies of AIDS? I thought so.
As I said before, this won't
be the last of the 9/11 coverage; I had an overwhelming amount of
material and some of it had to be shunted off to subsequent updates,
like a dissection of famed drunkard/Neocon twat Christopher Hitchens'
noxious "article" on Slate and a couple of 9/11 porno mag reviews. Plus,
if you read all of this, you know I've got a fucking video to finish up.
-Doom |
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Like To Thank My Buddies 2008-09-24 |
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Fucking time travel, making
me miss 9/11. Hopefully the timeline fixes itself and we return from the
future soon. I'd really like to be able to update in the present day of
September 10th, 2008. C'est la vie, which I believe is French for "goddamnit".
Titans #5 Review:
yes, it's still being published, and I'm referring to both this series
of reviews and the comic itself.
Since the Daily Raider
believes in doing it for the kids (in a fashion that doesn't get
us arrested for child trafficking), we've put together some kids show
reviews that prove your kids are better off watching The Wire.
They'll learn of the crushing mediocrity of bureaucracy and what to do
when you hear someone whistling "Farmer in the Dell". So here's
TMNT Season 7 Review,
Viva Piņata Television Show Review, Wolverine and the X-Men Review
and The Life and Times of Juniper Lee Review. That last one? Judd Winick's cartoon. Yeah.
The Raider's election
coverage continues with a helpful article detailing how to do your part to canvas for the Obama.
Then there's We Do Things Differently in Nevada. I'm not gonna try to frame it. Figure out the context for yourselves, bitches.
-Doom |
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Sour Times 2008-12-10 |
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Yes, it's an update from the
future. Why the fuck do I need to give you an explanation why? I'm God.
Just like the character I'm based on, Dr. Manhattan, I perceive time
differently. Just get used to it, you motherfuckers, or I'll smite you
all and make salamanders the dominant species. You want that, you shit?
Planet of the Salamanders? Oh, by the way, the asshole won the
presidential election. SPOILERS
Since this is a website
written by sick, dateless pricks, most of the articles this time around
are about comics, the worst Jewish invention ever. There's Amazing Spider-Man: Brand New Day Month 11 Roundtable, whatever that means,
Hulk #8 Review, Secret Invasion #8,
War Machine, Venom: The Enemy Within,
something about Wildstorm sucking.
I don't know what this shit means, the only comics I read are by Jack
Chick. Why don't these godless fags read that shit instead?
There's also a TV review of Celebrity Rehab. I've said it before and I've said it again, I don't care if people do drugs, except if they're black.
Oh, Rodney King's in this? Good. It was God's will that beat up that
nig.
There'll be another update
soon, maybe in the past, maybe the present, maybe the future, maybe
never. Who gives a shit?
-God |
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