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Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Doom and Chuck Austen
Since I'm one of only three site members to own a Facebook and thus the ability to search Facebook, you're receiving another weekly installment of the newly launched series from me. The Red Fox is busy this weekend, so to co-write, please welcome Chuck "Chuckpocalypse" Austen. I'll be handling the duties of political beliefs, interests, and so on while Upchuck covers the all-important ground of looks and...looks in the signature Chuck Austen style. I predict our collaboration will be better than 10 Super Bowls, 10 Hiroshimas, and 10 John Denver Christmas Specials all wrapped into one. Let's see how it turns out, shall we?
Search Method: It should be obvious to you given the opening paragraph, but I searched for 'objectivism', the political philosophy of Ms. Ayn "No man will ever, ever, ever fuck me" Rand. Only a small number of people list the philosophy as an interest, apparently! Imagine my utter shock. Out of the 5 people listed, I narrowed it down even further by looking exclusively at women. I figure if I'm gonna ridicule someone for several paragraphs, I might as well jerk off while doing it. Big mistake, which I'll get into later. Anyway, left with a total of two choices, I flipped a coin it landed 'heads', telling me I was about to spend a couple hours with this person...
AMY "APPARENT BULGARIAN SKIING ACCIDENT CAUSING THE LAST NAME OF" RYMASZEWSKI
Much to my surprise (I'M BEING SARCASTIC), the woman isn't actually a Randroid at all! It's pretty much scientific fact that 'having sex in your lifetime' excludes someone from reprogramming under the wonderful banner of objectivism. Plus, Randroids tend to wile away the hours refiling old microfiche and listening on the ol' ham radio while stroking a gun, memorizing battle strategies in their head to use if the government tries to raise taxes over 0%. She lists the political opinion as 'moderate'. You know what moderate means, folks! Uninformed voter, aka slackwit, aka knuckle dragging simpleton, aka the 'smart one' in a friendship with Jim Belushi. True to her slackwit status, she loves a lot of things which serve to display her unwieldy ignorance of the entire world.
Starting with music, you get the sense of her belonging to the well-known cult where boys wear retarded haircuts and girls develop eating disorders while aspiring to be artists or writers or some other worthless wank. John Mayer, Fall Out Boy, Jason Mraz, other such perpetrators of musical hate crimes! It's difficult to characterize the tastes as pure fag emo (or fagmo if you prefer), as she then lists several artists I respect if not show affinity for, such as Frank Sinatra. It's the classic prisoner's dilemma. Shout the praises of for Sinatra or denounce for the Killers? In the end I chose denounce. The suckiness of guys wearing eyeliner and singing about love and relationships far outweigh all the classics of the Frankster. Worst of all, I bet her boyfriend if she's ever had one acts exactly like one of those Fall Out Killers Mayer Mraz fuckers. Dammit, Amy! You cause guys to don faggy clothing and talk about feelings, Amy! You ENABLE FOPPERY!
Personality-wise, because Facebook is such a great indicator of a person's personality, she appears to be a moron. How do I know? Through several scientifically proven methods. First, her interests mirror the interests of every other semi-hip girl. Victoria era! Gay men! Shoes! Harry Potter! The British! All those rubbish things, except for the British (though she does love the wrong British people, namely Coupling. Out of ALL the shows to pick. Fuck, the mention of Coupling destroyed any semblance of a hard-on). In a cunning callback to last week's Idiot, Amy loves the works of Hack Brown too! Wow, now my raging possible hard-on shrank into my penis, went up through my body, popped out of my mouth and walked to a bus station where my hardon booked a one-way bus ticket to Branson. Disturbing.
The Cardinalest of all Cardinal sins, comes in her favorite comedian. You're expecting me to say "Dane Cook", aren't you? Surprisingly for you AND me, you're wrong. She's an aficionado of the oeuvre of...CARLOS MENCIA DEE DEE DEE THE PUNISHER EDGY TELLING IT LIKE IT IS IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU'RE HUMORLESS AND UPTIGHT DEE DEE DEE! As a comedian AND as a human being I'm saddened, shocked and scared by her choice. Why and how could she enjoy the comic 'stylings' of a fake-Mexican offend-for-offending's-sake joke stealing never-was? HOW?! On the immortal Mr. Mencia, lady sez: "I can not wait to see Carlos Mencia. Some people would argue that he is racists, i think he just calls it like he sees it." He sees it all right...from the perspective of a racist DEE DEE DEE.
Sorry for the lengthy delay between article work, my whore wife Julie left me for Ben Templesmith and for the past month or so I've lived in a homeless shelter. I finally sought asylum here after a homeless guy shived me to take my coveted padded bench. Now I'm here today to discuss with you Raidermaniacs the looks of the current Facebook Idiot of the Week, Amy Rymaszewski. I've screwed a lot of chicks (and a few I didn't even pay for!), so I know what I'm talking about. I'm to judge Amy on several special Chuck Austen criterions, which I intend to list once I show you a picture of her (ugly) mug. Before I forget, special thanks to Steve Niles for coming up with some of these.
I like my women like I like my coffee: hot, with a lot of cream all over them. Amy fulfills neither hot qualities nor the 'drenched in Chuck Austen's cum' qualities of my criteria for what makes for an attractive chick. This is just all wrong for a chick, I'm expecting Amy here to grow a few warts on her nose and then lure Hanzel and Gretel into a gingerbread house of sorts. Take a look at the left side of her face, right next to the nose, you see a crease. I'm not a skin expert, though I play with some of mine very often, but I believe the crease is the herald of the unwanted jowl. The last time I fucked a chick with jowls was when Joe Quesada's mom still wore leg warmers. Furthermore, the picture doesn't give us what we really want to jerk off to: skin. Based on this picture alone, I give her a 3 out of 10. If given the opportunity I'd fuck her, but she'd pay me instead of the reverse. Finally, Chuck's on top, literally and self-esteem-wise!
Ugh. Even worse jerk off material than the last! Yeah, she looks alright at first, but what's with posing with Don Rickles? I've never seen in my long career as a pornologist, ONE good porn photo set involving Don Rickles. We get a decent look at her rack and it's not nothing to be proud of, a C- at best, and probably worse than that since she probably wears a push-up. I like her hair in this particular shot, though, which leads my final overall score to improve upon the last one. Her legs, total disappointment. Jimmy Palmiotti's bitch Amanda Connor got more going for her and I disliked HER so much I only fucked her anally while I wrote the scripts to Worldwatch #4 and #5. Taking both pictures into consideration, a 2 out of 10. Nice hair to jerk off in, but not much else going for her.
Rack: C-
Legs: D
Hair: B
Face: D
Vagina: N/A
Overall, a very poor showing. I wouldn't bother stalking her, guys in the readership, if I saw her I'd opt for a confection of drugs to dull her senses and to knock her out. You won't realize how unattractive she is and she won't realize how much better you are than her. It's win-win!
Chuck Austen out.
Good job, you sick motherfucker! While we start to wrap this installment up, I ask you to consider one specific tenet of Ayn Rand's ideology: If she got herself moist on the ideas of innovation coming from the best and brightest, and needing to be away from government influence, then why did her tracts read really badly? You'd think someone who supported innovation ideology needed to be at least a bit innovative other than writing the same triumph of the single male hero over the system over and over again. There's a reason why she's the ugliest Russian bird ever, folks.
100:1 - Sex
50:1 - Death by crying to one of those fag Killers songs
9:1 - An objectivist finds it in his rational self-interest to string her up by
her own entrails
7:1 - DEE DEE DEE!
5:1 - Desert conditions in her vagina causes a deadly famine
3:1 - (insert Killers joke here)
2:1 - Shingles
1:1 - Rape by Newt Gingrich in a back alley while Newt Gingrich snorts coke and
recites passages from his new book, A Contract for America: Kill All The
Homeless
Amy Rymaszewski is...the Pol Pot of dictators (ugly and responsible for a lot of children never being born), Amy Rymaszewski is...the Edgy Lisa of Family Guy characters (no one likes her), Amy Rymaszewski is...the Holocaust of genocides (half-assed and not well-thought out), Amy Rymaszewski is...the Natalie Portman of whores (faux intellectual and wooden) and finally, Amy Rymaszewski is...the Dusty Baker of managers (a complete failure not deserving of existence).
View previous Facebook Idiots of the Week:
Week 1: Deric Hope