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Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Doom
guest starring Sgt. Major
In my many adventures and tribulations, I come across a large number of diverse people. Black people, white people, Asian people, Hispanic people, Eskimos, Indians, gay people, goths, emos, hipsters, Republicans, Libertarians, wimpy liberals, etc. Rarely do I ever meet an honest to goodness soldier. At least, rarely do I ever meet an honest to goodness soldier with both their arms, both their legs, and no annoying post-traumatic stress disorder fueled 'flashbacks'. A mint condition soldier is a rarity these days. After many years of never meeting a true blue member of God's Army, I met one. On Facebook, an online stalking service notable for its causing (through detachment inherent in the format) breakdown in relations between people, many times causing two otherwise civil users to send incoherent long strings of "u're a f4got" to each other for days at a time. It was certainly interesting. I smell a classic!
CHRIS "MARINE CORPSE" BELL
A misogynistic Bible verse! Classy. Adds a real je ne sais douchebag to the profile.
Search Method: I came across Marine Corpse when I informed him of his "Truth About the Civil War" revision group getting the Idiot of the Week nod back in Week 8. He responded in typical fashion (which I'll address later). His response allowed me to view his profile, a thing of beauty if there ever was one.
America's greatest line of defense, behind propaganda and public apathy, is our armed forces. Staffed mostly by false patriots who want to rob young men of their best years and arms as payback, the military routinely recruits the poor, the stupid and the deliquent. Marine Corpse appears to be the second of the three - an ignorant redneck true believer of America's cause to invade vaguely different countries for the reason of terror fighting (the reality is imperialism and allowing capitalism to infect new sectors of the planet). Sure, the corps builds experiences in sucking the life out of things (with maximum firepower!), but so does listening to Prairie Home Companion for a prolonged period of time. No doubt, Marine Corpse joined it for purposes of getting back at them Goddamn Ay-rabs who brought reali-tay to the Uuuuunited States. Since he's unlikely to be serving in Iraq right now (note: I am writing this pre-surge), I bet he just drinks a ton of beer every weekend and thinks of ways of stabbing the Arab tackling dummy they have at the Marine Corps training school. They then tie the tackling dummy to the truck and the Southern tradition in them does the rest.
His profile largely backs up this character portrayal. Stereotypes usually exist for a reason; despite many not subscribing to it, some in the group targeted in the stereotype invariably will match their depiction to a tee (excepting nefarious ones, such as any racial stereotype, with the exception of the white man's inability to dance). Chris here falls into the stereotype of all military personnel being silly, jingoistic people with no knowledge of anything important, with only their poor clouded perceptions left to back their 'ideology' (if you even want to give it such lofty credentials; it really consists of hooting and slurs directed at various minorities). I mean, look at the fucking profile. Christian? Very Conservative? Tennessee? The image of him holding a bottle of beer with the look of "about to bust into a 'you know, our problem today is niggers' speech" upon his face? All signs point to jarhead syndrome. Or Ollie North syndrome, whichever you prefer. The syndrome means the person no longer qualifies as a person; indeed, he is now a troop, to be used for political profit and treated like a retarded child. "Oh, you can't criticize the troops, you'll hurt their morale."
As a non-military person, he similarly fails to make a noticeable impression beyond "cookie cutter dumbass". Hell, he's the stupid clone troopers from the Star Wars shit trilogy. In fact, I'd go so far as to say his interests reflect poorly upon the integrity and the honor purported so often in the military propaganda/commercials. You never want to see drinking as the main interest of someone tasked with defending the homeland from Ayyyyyrabs. Another example: books. As we know, most people on Facebook can't read, hence listing The DaVinci Code and Angels & Demons so often on their lists. Well, Marine Corpse ain't into that city slicker bullshit. His favorite books are the Bible and The South Was Right!, though he does state 'I don't like reading much'. I'm shocked. Other confessions make similar sense: "I'm not big on rap", "not too big on TV", etc. And church is his foremost interest! Yet another example of Chris failing to live up to the Marine Code. The foremost interest should be 'killing people', or at least 'disenfranchising natives and destroying their culture through shock and awe'.
Sgt. Major time!
I AM THE MINISTRY OF DEATH! AHOORAH! AS A DRILL SERGEANT, I WHIP A LOT OF MAGGOTS INTO SHAPE! I TURN CODDLED MAMA'S BOYS INTO COLD KILLING MACHINES! I TURN AFFABLE FUNNYMEN INTO MONSTERS! HELL, I TURNED OLLIE NORTH FROM A PATRIOT TO A SLIPPY PIECE OF SHIT WHO KILLED A LOT OF FUCKING BANANA REPUBLIC NIGGERS! IF I CAN TURN SISSY VIETNAM ENLISTEES INTO THE FINEST KILLING FORCE MY LAI'S EVER SEEN, I CAN TURN CHRIS BELL INTO A PROUD MARINE CORPSE! AHOORAH! FIRST I'D FORCE HIM TO DO FORTY FUCKING PUSH-UPS AT MIDNIGHT WHILE FIRE ANTS ATE HIS GENITALS! SHOWS TOUGHNESS UNDER FIRE! AHOORAH! THEN I'D MOVE ONTO WEAPONS TRAINING! I WOULD GIVE CHRIS A GUN AND A LINE OF TWELVE PAKISTANI CHILDREN! IF HE MANAGES TO KILL THEM ALL, EXECUTION STYLE, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO CLEAN THE LATRINES! AHOORAH! OF COURSE, THAT'S ONLY THE FIRST STAGE IN KILLING 101! WE'D MOVE ON TO TORTURE, LAND MINES, RAPE MURDERS, SHORT FUSE IMPROVISED KILLING SPREES, INDISCRIMINATE BOMBINGS AND, MY FAVORITE, EATING SOMEONE'S SKIN FROM THEIR BONES WHILE THEY'RE STILL ALIVE! USED IT A LOT IN KOREA! AHOORAH! FINALLY, IT'S TIME FOR CHRIS TO JOIN THE FRONT LINES OF THE IRAQ KILLING SQUAD! HE'D WORK UNDER MY COMMAND, BEING FORCED TO KILL-FILL A QUOTA OF 17 DEAD IRAQIS PER DAY! A TOUGH JOB, BUT I THINK HE COULD HANDLE IT! AHOORAH!
Earlier I teased my conversational wonders with Marine Corpse, so now I will walk you through them, with the funniest quotes included. I sent the standard congratulations letter, with the added joke of calling him Marine Corpse. Well, he didn't 'get' it, as evidenced by his response: "Way to mispell corps dumb ass.... Go stand in front a train moving full speed asshole/." Misspell? Ironically misspelled. I won the conversation with my reply of "The misspelling was deliberate, because 'corps' and 'corpse' are notably similar, spelling wise, adding to the humor of your likelihood of blowing your top in Iraq. I will refrain from further insults, because I'm sure you'll end up stained on a wall in Baghdad." But he definitely deserved the award for most hilarious hyperbole with the following: "You are obviously a waste of human life...you don't deserve to live. Hell, Saddam was a better person than you, you piece of shit. I guarentee you wouldn't say that shit to my face or any other Marines face unless you wanted your fucking blood to be splatted on a wall somewhere. The world would be a better place without you, you're just a waste of space, air, and life in general." Then it devolved into the typical 'I'd hate defending the freedom of you' etc. Sadly, nothing ever topped him comparing me to Saddam Hussein. Maybe I'm next on Bush's War on Terror list?
Despite the number of insults I've hurled at our favorite soon-to-be-cadaver, I feel sorry for him. He shouldn't die in a desert for no apparent reason. Plus, think of all the difficulties involved in being a marine with a Facebook profile. Think of how many friends need to be cycled out of the list due to friendly fire and IEDs. Think of how many friends of his flashback on their Facebooks and think it's still battlefield time, causing their profiles to be rewritten into incoherent screaming and an obligatory "JOHNNNNNNNNNY!" for their squadmate whose face became a pile of goo right in front of them. We ought to salute these brave men for their Facebook profiles remaining as set in reality as they are. I suggest a letter writing campaign or perhaps a batch of cookies delivered to their base. Cookies will take their minds off dying, most certainly! Support the troops – bake cookies for idiots on Facebook.
And now, the funniest betting odds yet:
0:1 - Saved by the Rapture, while non-American non-white heathens are left
behind
100:1 - Dies saving a number of exploited third world children from their evil,
evil non-American oppressor
50:1 - Dies a war hero
9:1 - Friendly fire, the friendliest kind of painful death
7:1 - Snaps after returning home from tour of duty; 13 black people, 7 police
officers killed in spree
6:1 - Washes out of basic training, dies in drunk driving accident a few days
later, then re-enlisted and used as heroic cadaver in Iraq War; serves 3 tours
of duty
5:1 - Dies as an amputee lacking in the veteran benefits
3:1 - Dead after 13th tour of duty in Iraq
2:1 - Iran! First Tour of Duty
1:1 - Iran! Second-Fifteenth Tour of Duty
Chris Bell is...the Dwight D. Eisenhower of dictators (military!), Chris Bell is...the Not-Bart of Family Guy characters (stupid and easily tricked), Chris Bell is...the Haditha of slaughters (obvious), Chris Bell is...the Britney Spears of whores (a Southern hick) and finally, Chris Bell is...the Tim Johnson of baseball managers (a vetera-OH WAIT).
View previous Facebook Idiots of the Week:
Week 1: Deric Hope
Week 2: Amy Rymaszewski
Week 3: Kris Allen
Week 4: Steph Warsh
Week 5: David Adams
Week 6: Adam Butler
Week 7: Peter Szlachetka
Week 8: Jordan Powell
Week 9: The Truth about the Civil War
Week 10: Craig Higgins