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Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Doom and Commando
Week 53: Nick Havlik
Jocks are a plague upon the earth. You know it, I know it, the world should know it but doesn't. Now, I've already had my share of dumbass jocks in high school. Not that they can't be entertaining for a time (given long rants about how Communism gets you shot "here in America"), but eventually any conversation with such persons devolves to their level, a depressing vista for those of us whose cerebra get regular use, and not just as skull spacers for wrestling practice. Behold! I typed "wrestling" into the fucking Facebook search box and here it is! A fair scapegoat for my hatred of jocks, instilled by the incessant idiocy of all whose love of sports have rendered them unfit for intellectual stimuli. Within you'll find conservatism, bad taste, love of frivolity and yet another reason to fucking tactical nuke the state of Wisconsin.
Nick looks to be your typical jockish douchebag, what with his tan in Wisconsin and his ownership of sunglasses that bring to mind either army drill instructors or mid-level Hollywood personalities whose Q rating is far outweighed by their ego. (I'm thinking one of the lesser Baldwins here...) So it raises the question of why we would waste our obviously valuable time on someone whose personality type has been skewered on site often already. Well, what caught my eye and caused me to pencil his Facebook in as a definite and not a maybe comes in what he wrote in for religious views. If you don't deign to look at the screenshot, it says he believes in "whatever Brett Favre believes in". This is funny for two reasons: one, Brett Favre's a good ol' Mississippi redneck boy, so he probably holds Christianity sacrosanct, and two, Brett Favre's a football player, so he probably holds money and endorsement deals sacrosanct. What kind of moron takes credence in what a guy hired to throw a ball around thinks? The kind deserving a spot on Facebook Idiot of the Week.
In terms of basic personality and ethos, the guy screams, as Josiah X would say, "pure blue eyed devil". He lists his politics as conservative, a status update suggests excitement for a trip to TEXAS of all places, the group joining implies he loves himself some Guinness beer, and just going to UW-Stout proves he's a motherfucker cracker. Nothing says cracker like enrollment in one of the ancillary Midwest redneck schools in the UW system. Not surprisingly, Nick seems less than intelligent as he seemingly belongs/belonged to a frat. Fraternies are idiotic wastes of time for all involved and even those not involved. Animal House represents the highpoint of the fraternity system, with nothing else coming close. Abolish the fucking thing already. It serves no purpose anymore. Anybody ingratiated in it or its culture is by extension useless. Hence Nick Havlik's uselessness...
There doesn't seem to be too much of a coherent pattern beyond the obvious here (Fresh Prince and Fox News? A bit incongruous, don't you think) - a real class act, eclectic retard, our friend Nick is. Why don't we break down some of the hilarious aspects of his, oh, why don't we humor the bastard and call it "taste"? After all, it's the least we can do, given the humor he provides us. He loves all kinds of music, including hip hop, which would seemingly put him at odds with his conservative beliefs. Not to mention his typical Alpha Male - Alpha Male defined as unintelligent dullard in this instance - activities such as fishing, wrestling and golfing. Although I'm not white enough to be considered a true white, I'd assume his like-minded friends, his ilk, would not find his listening of black music acceptable. Remember when Ed Norton chastised someone for smoking weed in American History X by saying it's a nigger drug? Same thing applies with Nick's rap love. Unless, unless he listens to it ironically, like how white racists use ghetto slang in order to make a mockery out of black culture. (See: Juno.) That I could see as possible. Well, either way, the whole situation leaves me confused.
I'm also confused by Crash. It'd actually make more sense if he liked the Cronenberg version, since that at least could be explained easily by "he has a fetish he doesn't like to talk about much". Crash is a movie about race and it even alleges WHITES can be racist at times. I suppose his like of the film could be explicable if you assume he watched it to see a black guy die near the end. Other than those bizarre choices, most of the rest of his taste fits his context of a redneck dipshit. He loves Married with Children for its misogyny and lowest common denominator humor, he loves Two and a Half Men because he's stupid, he loves Rocky 4 for its inspiring message of white/right victory over those damned Reds, and then there's the Will Ferrell movie...thing. Makes sense to me. He doesn't know shit.
Look at his About Me if you want further prove of his...I guess it's best to call it idiocy. For one, it shows his status as a superfluous man. Not in the Russian literature sense of the term, of the tradition of men like Lermontov's Pechorin or Pushkin's Eugene Onegin, who, although intelligent and attractive and imposing, do not fit into the Russian imperial system and its employment hierarchy. That'd be giving him too much credit as well as assigning him inaccurate intellectual qualities. (That is to say, any intellectual qualities). Rather, I mean he's superfluous in the sense that he is of no use to anyone for any reason at any time. Come on. He's worthless. If he died, nobody would miss him. He provides nothing to society and I'm betting his social interactions are likewise superfluous people, genetic cul-de-sacs. More evidence backing my claim: of ignorant people, he says "they really ignore me". Wow. I won't ignore you, man, even though you may find this disrespectful. And "if you can't respect that, your whole respective is whack", right?
There's not much else to say about one Nick Havlik. This may be the best insult against him - the entirety of his existence can be summarized and exhausted after about 1050 words. He's just that drab. Should you ever have the misfortune of running into Havlik or accidentally entering into a conversation with him, try to abort as soon as possible, even if it leads to a social faux pas or the "accidental" murder of someone. All would be better than wasting your life and devoting precious energy on a person such as him. I'm already feeling guilty for ridding myself of an hour I can never get back just so I could profile this waste of cells...
CAUSE OF DEATH ODDS
1,000,000:1 - Natural causes
View previous Facebook Idiots of the Week: