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Facebook Idiot of the Week
by Osaka Cola Spokesmonster
Week 61: Wars of Cola, both Pepsi and Coca variety
Hello! I am--RARR, I am Osaka Cola Spokesmonster who is the spokesmonster for Osaka Cola, the greatest cola in all of Japan and Taiwan and soon Malaysia! It is my mission from Osaka Cola to learn more about United States market so Osaka can enter in safely and increase sales to match those of Coca Cola and Pepsi, your two American soda brands that are fighting out for dominance just like Godzilla and Mothra in Godzilla Final Wars vs. Mechagodzilla. It is also the mission of I, Osaka Cola Spokesmonster, to investigate these brands and how average American youngsters think of them. It is my mission because in the country of Japan we are ruled by compassionate businessman individuals who fulfill our lives with meaning and great fruity taste of Osaka Cola which is significant in soul nutrients for your soul. You would do well to emulate us, America! There would be no grousing out a President Bush if he was a mere subordinate to Grand Emperor Mellow Yellow!
One thing that quickly becomes apparent is that your American cola wars seem to be very violent and without the mercy. For one, the lead picture on the Coke Facesbook picturelog is what seems to be the gloating over the death-murder of a Pepsi sodadrink. This is a very appalling to us at Osaka Cola, where we believe that honor must be maintaining in conflict against our also honorable foes. We do not send out propaganda images of us crushing the competition literally. If this is how Americans see conflict between products, that is a most dishonorable, one would be foolish to think that cola problems can be dissipated with violence, only matter of incredible importance can b. solved with violence. And while I and all people at Osaka Cola take great honor with the production of Osaka Cola, to assume that we would take to violence to solve the competition with rival is absurdity. Osaka Cola would only resort to violence to defend our formula from the dreaded Kyodai Ken of the Red Lotus Ninja Soda gang, he is very bad man. You Americans and your propensity for violence. What next will happenstance, an atomic bomb dropping on a soda manufacturing plant?
Another thing that is intriguing to us at Osaka Cola is the fact that so many would refer to themselves as military officers in the Cola Wars. We at Osaka Cola do not believe that one should associate the military with refreshment. While we are aware that those in positions of military power may often find themselves in need of fresh beverage surprise, we are also adamant in our position that cola should be a civilian position. When one begins to mix military conflict with effervescent refreshments, one will often find themselves in quagmires of unexpected depth and brevity. When one reaches for a can/bottle/minican of bubbly superbness, we at Osaka Cola believe that moment should be freedom of the horrors that warfare brings to the taste buds; namely that of corpses and depleted uranium. In Japan we learned this the hard way; the only thing that could remove us from the ravages of Hiroshima, Nagasaki and various Godzilla incursions was the taste of Osaka Cola (then called Osaka Taste Concern National Product for Consumptive Drinking), fresher than ten of your Super Bowls.
The war of colas seems to take place on the home front of the Internet more than any of your American soil battlegrounds. This is a good move for both Pepsi and Coca; there would be much collateral damage on battlefields situated near civilian populations, and casualties would mean there will be less people to drink soda out of your products. The criterion for judging the current victor of the war lays and or lies in the 'war log' which is listing all of the members of the respective groups and the decision of winning is that. Coca Cola currently leads by a large number as you will see in the pictures above this writings. The war appears not to be an evenly matched war after all. I liken it to the Russo-Japanese War in which the Japanese easily defeated the weak and not tightly packed Russia through superior marine power and ingenuity. But we did not gloat on the victory on Facebook not just because Facebook did not exist, but also because it is not honorable to gloat. We let supreme victories speak for themselves. Coca Cola supporters are acting like "hot dogs" when preferred warfare conduct requires "cold dogs".
Apparent to all, most especially the conglomerations of Japanese carbonated beverages, is the people who proclaim membership to the sides of the Cola Wars. While we are aware that people of all races, classes, professions and sexual preferences enjoy our product (except for the transvestites - they have and always will be consumers of Sho Hakanawa Mango Fruit Drink 100%), we are not so ready to accept the fandom of some of the people who enjoy Coka Cola and Pepsi. For example, while we are aware that sexually provocative women enjoy Cola, we are not so sure that women wearing the h-string underwear are those that we want Osaka Cola to be drunken by. Many of the people on the Coka Cola page are those who we would not want drinking Osaka Cola, while they might believe they are entitled to the refreshment provided by Osaka Cola, we are not so forgiving. Now, the people on the Pepsi Page, those are the ones who we believe should be drinking Osaka Cola. We are aware that one of the people on the member lists appears to be a comic, but lest you forget at all, people in America love comics much as we in Japan love comics and we would be glad to have your American comics consume Osaka Cola like Fist of The North Star does.
Upon further study, we are quite sure that attracting the fan-base of Pepsi beverages would be best for future time happiness. The fans of the Coka Cola appear too brash and rude to accept the happy sunshine fruity taste of Osaka Cola. We need people who are a capable of accepting a smooth refreshing brew of flavors, like one who is capable of appreciating all the different types of tea. However we do not want those who consider herbal "tea" to be tea, unless it contains the leaves of the tea plant, it is not a tea, much like do not consider females who are not wearing sailor outfits to be of the quality for which we wish to consummate with them physically. That would just be a confusing situation that we at Osaka Cola are not prepared to think about, let alone acknowledge.
I have learned much about American culture from the wars of cola. This have the benefits of informing marketing perspective of Osaka Cola and will inform the creation of Osaka Cola US, which is right now to be called the Valley Soda Drink Code Extreme. Our marketing has diligently tested words and those are the most words people enjoy in Japan and in select areas of United America. Cola wars are serious on the Internet, a significant facet of American life. Cola divisions separate families, lovers, even political parties (Barack Obama is registered Pepsi whereas John Cain prefers Coca Cola that reminds him of poorly irrigated Vietnamese prison camp). One must trifle very lightly or else inflamed nation will happen. Osaka high wizard proclaimed in internal meeting plan is thus far to coalition soda government with Pepsi in hopes of declining marketshare of Coca Cola that will allow for Osaka to enter into market without difficulty. Then, like Godzilla in Godzilla vs. Women's Rights, we will nuclear breath our way into the hearts of the world.
That is all for now. I must be off to frighten and amuse children in a fashion that promotes Osaka Cola products.