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Doom vs. Toby Keith
by Doom and Toby Keith
Recently, Toby Keith and I engaged in a debate, with topics ranging from Abortion to...Gay Rights. Here's what transpired, according to the stenographer:
ABORTION
Doom: "I think that abortion is okay. Preferably there wouldn't be promiscuous sex, but rather have less unwanted babies than more, right?"
[Doom shakes his fist in the air furiously at Toby, while Toby drinks rum.]
Toby Keith: "If I may, Mr. Gephardt, I want to know if I might could quote the bible for this here arguementation."
Dick Gephardt: "Well, it is unorthodox..."
Toby Keith: "Quotation verses 8-12 of Romans 11 clearly states "...my brothers..." Clearly, God is telling us that everyone is a brother of ours. Even the babies inside the bellies of our wives. Why would we kill our brotherses? It's not like they's been cheating with our wives!"
Doom: "Objection! That quote isn't even IN that verse!"
[Toby Keith throws bible at Doom]
Toby Keith: "Maybe it doesn't say that in your crazy morman bible, but in my Dale Earnhardt commemerative bible, it says elsewise."
Doom: "You're just using vague scripture to justify insane ideas!"
Toby Keith: "Objects! My ideas are straight from the words of Jesus and Dale, the two most rightchoice men in the world ever! I think your logics is much more 'vague' as you Yanks call it. It ain't even written down!"
Doom: "Science can be proven! Half-translated texts that might or might not even be true can't!"
Toby Keith: "Ain't nots gravitities a theory? Prove gravity with your liberal hippie science then! I ain't killin' no fetuses. And I didn't translate texts. They're in American, as God intended."
Doom: "American's not a language, you gimboid. English is a language."
Toby Keith: "I don't drink tea, hippie."
Dick Gephardt: "Okay, fellows, let's move onto another topic..."
Toby Keith: "Yes'm."
PRESIDENT BUSH
Toby Keith: "God bless him."
Doom: "Bush sucks. He is like Hitler, except Hitler didn't go to war with Iraq."
Toby Keith: "Bush isn't German, he's all American like the leader of the world should be. As I pointed out in my last article, the world needs a hero to save them from themselves. Since Jesus died, the Arab region of Earth was in termoils. Bush just went and fixed it."
Doom: "Bush isn't all-American, unless he's an American Indian."
Toby Keith: "Now that don't make a lick-a sense."
Doom: "I assumed it wouldn't, for you. See, all people who weren't American Indians either emigrated here or their ancestors emigrated here. Even YOUR family."
Toby Keith: "Are you trying to imply that I made sweet night love with one of my slaves? Because that never happened."
Dick Gephardt: "Ah guys? Can we get back on topic possibly?"
Toby Keith: "This ain't a trial!"
Doom: "It should be. Toby Keith on trial for Stupidity against humanity."
Toby Keith: "Now you listen here, boy--"
Dick Gephardt: "Guys! Guys! Can we get on topic, please?"
Doom: "Sure, Dick."
Dick Gephardt: "Okay. George Bush, good or bad. Continue. Victor, you have the floor."
Doom: "He is bad. He follows an insane religious ideology, lacks any sort of decision making skills whatsoever, hates gays, pissed on JFK's grave, sleeps in Reagan's tomb, and shut down LokiTorrent."
Toby Keith: "Hold on, I might can straighten all that outs for you. Religion is good, decisions are made by the people, gays were made to be hated, JFK was killed, everyone would want to sleep with Reagan, he's a national hero. And LokiTorrent isn't a word!"
Doom: "It's a website, Keith."
Toby Keith: "No it's not, I can't go there!"
Doom: "http://lokitorrent.com/"
Toby Keith: "It says MPAA Notice, liberal heathen."
Doom: "Yeah. Obviously Bush controls the MPAA."
Toby Keith: "Excuse me a minute."
[Toby takes out a coloring book and begins to color.]
[A few seconds later he holds up a drawing.]
Toby Keith: "This is the colour of your speech. My artisticnessesity expresses it. Purple means gay, and red means I'm angry. Blue is confusion."
Dick Gephardt: "And I'm razamattz!"
[awkward silence]
Dick Gephardt: "Uhm... Yes. Any final thoughts on Bush?"
Doom: "He makes Captain Kirk look competent."
Toby Keith: "He won the election for the nation and for my heart. Bless his heart."
Dick Gephardt: "I would've beat him if I won the primary.... Anyway. Moving on!"
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION
Toby Keith: "Blacks?"
Doom: "They deserve jobs more than us."
Toby Keith: "Why's that, John Franken-Kerry?!"
Doom: "Blacks have been discriminated throughout this nation's history. Plus, you know how THEY are."
Toby Keith: "I disagree. Country singers have always had it more rough."
Doom: "How so?"
Toby Keith: "As a child, I longed to sing country. But all the kids like rap musics. Kids are descriminating my music."
Doom: "That's illogical. You were born before rap even existed..."
Toby Keith: "Who said anything about me being born?"
Doom: "Well, science states that everyone is born."
Toby Keith: "S'ept muslims."
Doom: "Are you saying you're Muslim, since apparently they're not born and neither were you?"
Toby Keith: "I never said anything about my birth. It's a mystery. A mystery even I don't hold the lockbox key too."
[a single tear rolls down Toby's cheek]
Doom: "So, you MIGHT be Muslim?"
Toby Keith: "No! I ain't no sheet head!"
Doom: "Maybe you are and your racism for them is just hiding your own self loathing."
Toby Keith: "I love me because God made me, and I love all God's creations. S'ept peoples different. But they're made when God was drunk. On Budweiser."
Doom: "Wouldn't that be a sin?"
Toby Keith: "You opening your mouth is a sin, boyh."
Doom: "...Not according to my bible."
Toby Keith: "You're a dirty morman, ain't yah boy?"
Doom: "No. Do you even know what mormons are?"
Toby Keith: "Heathen devils!"
Toby Keith: "And Utah."
Doom: "That proves my point."
Toby Keith: "What you blabberin' on about, son?"
Doom: "You're an ignorant dumbfuck."
Toby Keith: "And you're a morman, are we done here?"
Dick Gephardt: "Uhrm.... what was the topic again?"
Doom: "Affirmative Action."
Toby Keith: "Blacks?"
Doom: "...Yeah."
Dick Gephardt: "Ah, I remember now. I don't mean to be a Dick- [waits for laughter that never comes] but we don't have too much time left on this topic. Final thoughts? Victor?"
Doom: "Affirmative action helps the world."
Toby Keith: "I just want to play my gi-tar."
GAY RIGHTS
Dick Gephardt: "Victor, you have the floor first for this sure to be heated debate."
Doom: "I think that gays should have the same rights as heterosexuals. I am fascinated by these 'gays' and their unique 'traits' and 'customs'."
Toby Keith: "As I has said before, they have rights already. I mean we let them ride our busses and learn out our schools! What else do them diviants needs?"
Doom: "The right to marry? The right to be in primetime sitcoms without having to resort to acting like flaming stereotypes?"
Toby Keith: "Gays can marry. It's just hard for them to find gals 'cause they're faggots."
Doom: "No. As in, marry each other."
Toby Keith: "Well why'd you want to marry a queer? It ain't make no sense!"
Doom: "Queers--er, gays want to because they're gay. They're attracted to OTHER gays."
Toby Keith: "Sweet Jesus of Nascar! That ain't holy or right!"
Doom: "That remains to be proven - but as it stands, it's their right as a human being."
Toby Keith: "It ain't no ones right. Can't sleep with a man. It ain't natural!"
Doom: "I think you might having some repressed homosexual leanings."
Toby Keith: "Damn straight! I'll repress those faggots any day. Lynch 'em in my tree!"
Doom: "No, as in, you are a bigot against them to hide your own homosexuality."
Toby Keith: "You bring up an interesting concept, Doctor Doom. Hidin' homosexuals as slaves... Hmm... Are that banned by the constitutons?"
Doom: "Are you really that thick? YOU ARE A HOMOSEXUAL!!"
Toby Keith: "I ain't! I married my wife, and I sex her up most fortnights!"
Doom: "That's just to hide it."
Toby Keith: "Hide what? My gay slave?"
Doom: "No. You got married to hide your own homosexuality."
Toby Keith: "I got married because I love my wife and I love America! You're probably a fag 'cause you're not married, and want to sex up little boys!"
Doom: "I'm not gay. In fact, I have a relationship wi-. No. Fuck it. Gephardt, next topic."
Toby Keith: "I wrote a song about you! Here's how it goes!"
"Well there been a lot of stories, perculating in the South,
About Doom that queersexual, with a cock in his mouth,
Now it ain't right I know. It ain't the Christian way.
So let's lynch all those gay faggots starting yesterday.
We'll grab our guns and crossbows, aim them at their pants,
shoot off their pertrusions, and watch them flip and dance.
Afterwards git in 'are trucks, head out for lunch,
get home to our wives, and sex them up a bunch!
Hoe-down! Yee-haw!"
Doom: "That's not even an argument."
Toby Keith: "Get me my gun."
Dick Gephardt: "Woah, heh, guys! Let's calm down a bit. Shall we move on?"
Toby Keith: "Hold on, I'm gittin' mah gun."
Doom: "I doubt the oaf even knows how to fire it."
Dick Gephardt: "No, no. You don't need to do that Mr. Keith."
Toby Keith: "I'll lynch you with my bare hands! I've done it before!"
Dick Gephardt: "Sec-... Uh... Security?"
Doom: "Bah. He is nothing but a loud fool!"
[Toby jumps over his podium, whiskey in hand, and is tackled by security.]
Doom: "Your ass got saaaaaaaaaacked."
Toby Keith: "Let me at 'im! I'm tellin' ya'll!"
Dick Gephardt: "Alright, well this has been one heck of a discussion. Both sides put up excellent points. Join us next time, won't you?"
Doom: "I'm calling my agent. I'm tired of this C-list cable TV crap." [walks out]
Announcer voice: "Thank you for watching Fox! Next, it's LOL Sundays, with American Dad!"