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Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon
by Doom
guest starring Doom 2099
I SAID I WANTED MERLOT
I decided to do a review of Charles Shaw again because I wanted to compare and contrast the reds and the whites. Whites are my favorites, both in regards to Charles Shaw and to wine in general, but that doesn't mean red wine from Three Buck Chuck tastes terrible. They're actually quite good, if you're into red wine. As a routine drinker of red wine but not a real fan of it, I believe Charles Shaw deserves some dap for creating something that doesn't taste like the gonads of Satan. You may think I'm exaggerating, but there are a lot of fucking makers of red wine who don't know how to not make the wine taste like Devil sex organs. That rubbish explains why so many people don't give Satanism a chance; they think the Satanist version of communion would taste like that. Anyway! On with the drinking, and on with the reviewing.
Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon is one of the few wines - hell, drinks - to make me cough just by smelling it. It smells fucking foul. I liken it to a bag of blood that's been sitting in the sun for several days. Terrible, awful, nauseating. Thankfully, the bottle's bark is worse than its bite; the taste is tolerable enough if you drink it in one go instead of making the ever stupid decision of sipping and savoring. Again, never savor anything under $10. It's not worth it, it may turn you blind. I would describe the overall sensation the wine gives one's taste buds as...a mack truck hitting you several times before going down the gullet. And it's really the acidic aftertaste more than anything that makes your body, brain and everything else shiver. I suggest you wait a few minutes in between drinking each glass; you do not, under any circumstances, want to drink the entire bottle in 10 minutes. I've done it before, and it ain't pretty. The semi-solid red purple vomit does not come out easily. Just breathe and let your body figure out when it's ready for the next glass. Everything will work out better in the end if you do that.
By the end of the drink it's leveled out to something perhaps even possibly described as 'good'. Not great, though. Attaching to the Cabernet Sauvignon such a positive label would be a mistake, since it still tastes like shit even when it becomes better than horrid and terrible. There are levels of bad, especially when it concerns red wine that costs under $10. I suggest you accompany the drink with something you can eat with your hands, like peanuts or snack crackers. They will not nullify the acidy murder in your stomach, but they'll help and reduces the chances of vomiting. This is a general tip for drinking anything, but with red wine the kick is stronger than white wine and so you have to take more precautions to keep from wasting that wonderfully cheap $3 all over the carpet.
The drunkenness incurred from Chuck red wine peaks early but does not lead to a cataclysmic downward spiral like a lot of other cheap wines. On the downside related to this, the drunkenness does end quicker than usual, at least as I've found in my summarized drinking experience. I was drunk a good 2, maybe 3 hours, and then it tapered off into nothingness, so much so that I wasn't able to take my customary afterglow sleep. A bottle of wine tends to knock me out after a while; no such luck here. Or it's luck if you don't want to sleep after drinking. But me, I like sleeping off the depression linked with the comedown from inebriation. And so I was forced to contend with my own neuroses and a CD of Scorn for a couple hours.
But with this early comedown comes the drinker's Moby Dick: no hangover. Yes, my friends, red wine manufactured by Charles Shaw leaves absolutely no hangover. I've had it on numerous occasions and in those and this latest partaking, no hangover. None. This makes it especially apropos for travel occasions, which happens to be the very occasion under which I drank the foul production of Charles Shaw, whom I'm still not sure is an actual person. If he is, he must be one of those larger than life figures, like the rich Uncle Pennybags guy from the Monopoly game or Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet. Christ, I'm starting to ramble. I better take a break provided to me by the Daily Raider's trademark questionable guest appearances.
Doom 2099 has some interesting news to share about the future of wines. The future of wines...in the year 2099, an amazing 91 years into the future! Take it away, me from 91 years into the future!
I thought it best to have you know that in my time, not only does Charles Shaw constitute the major brand of wine, it also controls 61% of the world's wealth. Halliburton controls the rest. How did this happen, you ask? Well, it's a very infuriating story. The creation of space grapes in California in 2064, when California was flung into space by President Santorum, allowed for the Californian economy to flourish once more. The wineries, most notably Charles Shaw, got America and the rest of the world hooked on wine made from space grapes, which are grapes with addictive properties. Yes, alcohol became more addictive. Due to humanity's desire to look hip and contributing to the betterment of the environment without having to spend lots of money, Trader Joe's and Charles Shaw became a world power unparalleled by even Coca Cola and China. It is only through Dick Cheney's wise tax sheltering that Halliburton still exists. At least Trader Joe's caused all the really pretentious people to enter a suicide pact. That's why California now is mostly a big graveyard and the home of the Oakland Raiders. Let this be a lesson to those of you in the past: the yuppiefication of America is fascism, but at least the yuppies died knowing they were outstripped by the food store equivalent of Wal-Mart (although in my time, Wal-Mart is now South America).
You learn something new every day. I guess Trader Joe's' advance into Wisconsin is just step one of their impending takeover. Well, better them than the United Shitheads of America. It's easier to steal shit at Trader Joe's, for one.
This is a difficult wine to enjoy. You have to work at it, you can't just sit back, drink it and expect to be in happy drunk city. I mean, I'm not saying it's complex, because if there's one thing Charles Shaw bottles are not, it's complex. But it is rough and you need to realize it's rough before you drink it. If you do that, you'll have a reasonably pleasant experience of drinking $3 wine and not being anchored by any hassles along the way. The texture like the inside of a fruit bat takes some getting used to. I say it's worth it for its low price and its great value. In the annals of cheap shit, Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon is the So...How's Your Girl? by Handsome Boy Modeling School of wine. It peaks early but does not overstay its welcome, which is not something I can say about Handsome Boy's followup, White People (it was still pretty good, though). Hopefully Charles Shaw does not cease due to a financial dispute between Prince Paul and Dan the Automator.
