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Chuck the Funky Pervetsapien: Chuck's Five Freaky Fresh Fetishes
by Chuck Austen
Can you DIG it? I do mean that literally. I'm 'into' digging.
Greetings, fellow sex offenders! It's me again, Chuck Austen, former writer of Uncanny X-Men and current occupant of storage locker #22-IB at the Port Authority. Eh, I like it. I don't have a lot of space there, but I got enough space to make my magic, and by magic I mean chronic masturbation to Target circulars I steal from somebody else's Sunday newspaper. I'm here today to show off my wares - my writing wares, people, since showing off my penis will only get me my third strike. It's because I think fetishes have gotten way too fucking boring lately. Bondage? Yawn. Piss and shit? Been there, expelled that. Bestiality? Please, Sea World, Semen World is so 5 minutes ago. Therefore, I am coming up with 5 new fetishes which will hopefully catch on like AIDS at a Magic Johnson swinger party. If not, it's always possible for me to go back to writing baseball manga porn. I do use the word 'writing' loosely. I wasn't sharpening a lot of pencils during that period, hahaha! Anyway, onto the list.
1. Pubic dreadlocks. These would be hard to maintain for either male or female because of the time it takes for pubic hair to grow and the stigma attached to hairiness (in respect to women). But think of what you could do with them. You could caress them, you could pull on them, you could even construct some sort of oral ponygirl show for your own sexual amusement. Don't ask me how, since I haven't technically been with what is technically a woman for 3 years. I'm sure it's doable, though. The allure of pubic dreadlocks is it gives some definition to the pubic hair and makes the person 'hipper'. You've all heard of shaving your area so the hair has a shape. But why not style it like hair? It's a valid practice in the three states that haven't made it illegal. And Vietnam.
2. Eyeglasses on breasts. We all know how much nerds love glasses on chicks because it makes them look nerdy while still being hot women. Well, I've thought of a way to take that shit up a notch into Chuck Austen perversion territory. Why not put glasses on breasts as opposed to where a pair is usually supposed to be. It will make men who are attracted to bitches in glasses even more aroused since the combination of those glasses and breasts (another fine source of arousal) will heighten the sexual desire in a guy's penis. Now, you might think it'd be difficult for the glasses to stay on a breast because there's no sort of nose to hold the pair in place. I'm certainly not suggesting some genetic modification to create chest noses. Instead, I suggest you try to use some adhesive. Not really strong, but strong enough to hold it there. It might not actually be a very fun thing for the girl, but who cares what they think? I sure don't, or else I wouldn't be on my sixth wife.
3. Earwax. We've all heard of shit, piss, puke and so on fetishes. Frankly, I find them a little boring. Been there, done that. I got shit on so many times by Marvel and DC I don't feel the need to continue to engage in scat related activities. But I know there's a big market out there for bodily fluids, so I came up with one you've likely not heard of before: earwax. It tastes like ambrosia if it was all waxy and it fits into many crevices of the body. Pussy, dick, asshole, whatever. It's like naturally occurring honey is what it's like! I don't know why other bodily fluid fetishes have been popular enough to inspire Internet "memes" while this earwax thing has yet to gain traction. It's gold, Jerry, gold! And not only because earwax looks gold.
4. Sex inside of a washing machine. Now this one, now this one is a bit tricky, mainly because you have to make sure you have a washing machine big enough to fit you and your lover inside. This is way harder than the washing machine sex at first. Maybe you could have sex with a midget? I don't personally enjoy that, but I just thought I'd throw it out there. Maybe you should specifically buy or look out for a big washing machine to use. Once you've done that, you have two options: sex while the machine's off or sex while the machine is on. The former is best because although it's less sexy, it's less apt to get you killed. I don't want to die since there are so many more Uncanny X-Men scripts I can turn into episodes of Co-Ed Confidential. Operating washing machine sex is pretty thrilling, though, I must admit. You know asphyxiation? It's like that, only MORE awesome. But I advise caution with that. I know a guy who put it on spin and ended up having a sock jammed into his penis. He had to spend like $500 to get it removed.
5. Your shoe falling off, someone catching it or picking it up, and the shoe getting thrown back to you. I could try to explain it to you, but I really can't. You cannot explain this fetish. It is what it is, and it's the one fetish of these I really do have. For some odd reason, I get orgasmic joy having my shoe fall off and having the shoe thrown into my hands by someone. The someone doesn't even have to be attractive. I got hard when a fucking janitor gave me back my shoe. Shit just happens. As such, I now have very loose shoes with no laces in them so they're more likely to fall off. I also go to a lot of baseball games in which I sit in the bleachers and have my shoes fall into the team's bullpen. Sure, I get arrested for that, but they put cuffs on me which makes the experience even more erotic, you know? Goddamn.
Don't feel bad if you adopt one or more of these fetishes and no one follows you in this and makes fun of you for your unorthodox. People will learn the genius eventually. How do I know? I invented the fetish of stockings. No joke. It was the 70s, about, and I was working as a hooker. It was really cold out, however, so I put stockings on. A john took me to a hotel room, and while I was undressing, he saw me nude except I was I still wearing my stockings. And so a fetish was born. I became known as the stockings hooker and got tons of money before I blew it all on hippie pornography (which unfortunately did not catch on past the 60s). I'm pseudo-living proof that something can become a fetish, even if you don't expect it to or it takes a long time. Give it time and eventually you will pervsevere or at least find someone sicker than you willing to do everything you want.
Well, that's all from me for today. I have tickets to the Washington Nationals game and I cannot WAIT for Austin Kearns to cause me to splooge so much the game has a rain delay and the ground crew needs to put a tarp over the field (I'm also a big 'fan' of tarps). Oh yeah!