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Doom the Funky Alcoholic Wine Review: Marcus James Chardonnay
by Doom
guest starring Michael Savage
I couldn't find an image of the more recent label, so this will have to do.
I'm finally beginning to appreciate South American wine. It only took me like 20 bottles. Where Chile fails, Argentina succeeds in making a quality cheap wine which stands up to the cheap Californian wine. As I've remarked on a couple other occasions, I for the most part do not see what the big deal with South American wine is. It tastes worse than Californian or European, yet all these fucking morons are going on and on about how South America has become the new place to bottle wine and sell it to mediocre affluent people in Whiteyland. I figure South America is the new manufacturer du jour because they pay their workers less and therefore spend less money making the shit, creating higher yield for profit. Although California underpays the illegal immigrants doing the squeezing, they still cannot compete with the disappeared corpses ground into white and red. But I really like Marcus James Chardonnay. Shit tastes good.
The Chardonnay tastes good, and more importantly it tastes good when cooled. I've become a lover of cooled wine as of late. I'm not sure why, especially because it's fall and therefore shitty around these parts. I think it's because the coldness masks the taste of the taste. While the refrigeration may divorce all flavor from the drink, it goes down pretty fucking well. As such, in this review I am unable to tell you about what fruits and nebulous things comprise the taste of Marcus James Chardonnay. I have a guess based on the back of the bottle, which says it's vanilla. Vanilla tastes like nothing. So I felt the cold more than anything. But shit, the cold tastes good. I suppose it's analogous to the feeling of drinking a beer fresh from the fridge. Well, not entirely analogous because beer is shit and this wine is great. If not great, then at least tasty. I was able to get something from cleaning out the last few drops of the bottle the morning after I drank it. (Yes, I know that sounds like the behavior of a terrible alcoholic. Yes, I am a terrible alcoholic. Shut up.)
Marcus James Chardonnay was also at the right place at the right time in that I fucking needed a second bottle for the post-Obama 'celebration'. God, fucking liberals. If conservatives did not exist, I'd hate liberals the most. They're smug little naive shits who believe Obama winning the election over Shitstain will result in any sort of monumental change for the American Empire, except for perhaps its continued degradation if he's not able to right the economy. I especially despise all the backpatting over voting for a black man, as though that's an accomplishment in and of itself. If anything, it's his accomplishment; your fucking effort was just not voting for the shittiest political ticket since Gerald Ford/Bob Dole ticket in 1976. The psychic anguish the whole fucking procession of 'democracy being exercised' masturbatory garbage required me to dull the pain with alcohol. Dull it did, but not so much so I couldn't watch The Shield. The drunk I got from Marcus James Chardonnay allowed me to understand all the nuances of "Party Line" without having to watch it a second time (which I did anyway).
The biggest question I have when I'm drinking this Chardonnay is the following: who is this fucker Marcus James? I don't know. Does he really exist? There's always a certain murkiness to the identity of wines named after people who aren't famous like Charles Shaw or this Marcus James fucker. The bottle gives no hints to this and searching on the Internet didn't give me a conclusive answer either. There's a blues singer Marcus James, there's a football player Marcus James and there's a Marcus James company producing bags of various varieties. I can conclude from my fruitless efforts that a singular Marcus James doesn't exist in Argentina and instead he's used as an appealing white name for better export to the United States. Or he was the name of a revolutionary whom the Argentine government killed during the dirty wars and as penance for that mistake, they named a wine company after him. I'm waiting for Che Guevara Kentucky Bourbon myself.
I should say something more about the label because it's both in English and Spanish, a rarity despite what racists like Michael Savage and Lou Dobbs will tell you. The label gives the same bullshit about the taste in Spanish as well as English. I read a press release about it, saying Marcus James seeks to appeal to Hispanic drunks in addition to their robust demographic of white drunks. I don't see much the point in it because although I'm obviously not a Spanish as first language person, I do not believe someone who's predisposed to drinking cheap, cheap wine (it costs $6, same as Barefoot) and Hispanic won't pick the Marcus James over anything else solely because half its label is printed in Spanish. That's just me, though; the bilingual label may entrance others. "Charles Shaw or Marcus James? Fuck it, I'm going with the more multicultural one!" Marcus James may also be chosen if you prefer Argentinean worker blood in your wine as opposed to Mexican migrant worker blood. Me, I'm mixed.
Someone it won't entrance, however, is Michael Savage. Take it away, you crazy conservative!
GKJASDJGWEIOUFYHYHEWRIUDSIUGFJSDKHSDFKSDJG MEXICANS TAKING OVER ALCOHOL OIUEWRYUI2TRUWEFGHWFDF87W6R23UYGHJFDWEHFD WE NEED STRONG WHITE WINES MADE IN AMERICA, LIKE CHARLES SHAW (WHICH ONLY USES IMMIGRANTS FOR HARD LABOR, LIKE THEY SHOULD BE USED) 9W386RUI2WTGRUI324RIUWETFIUW AMERICA IS GETTING WEAK AND LETTING THE MINORITY UNDERCLASS DICTATE EVERYTHING WE WHITE AMERICANS DO THOSE FUCKING NIGGERSPIC ALKASYIOAYIOAYHAIUG AGHHHHH!!!!!
That's actually a lot more erudite than I expected from Michael Savage. Kudos, sir, kudos. Unfortunately, I cannot agree with his admirable logic because South American wine has yet to carve itself the largest portion of the marketshare. The majority remains California produced and bottled. South American wine's being touted as the new 'in' thing, but time will tell if it becomes a real competitor for the California monopoly. But if South American wine begins to improve themselves to meet or surpass the bar set with Marcus James' wines, I'd be happy to shift the majority of my support to the burgeoning foreign shithole from which we import wine. I mean, I know none of the money will go towards real South Americans, but fuck California and fuck the Little Eichmanns who produce it. You won't see a movie like Sideways about South American wine connoisseur fucks anytime soon.
I heartily recommend Marcus James Chardonnay to anyone who has a little extra money to spend (if their budget is $3 per wine like mine is, that is). It tastes great for something under $10, it cools well, there's no hangover from drinking a bottle of it and the label promotes multiculturalism. You won't get much more bang for your buck than Marcus James Chardonnay. Yes, Marcus James Chardonnay has it all. You might think me a shill for the company, but I don't think they can afford to hire shills for them. If pressed to compare this bottle to a rap album, I'd have to say it's most like Wale's A Mixtape About Nothing in that people should become aware of it and check it out.
HE'S A NIGGER! HE'S A NIGGER!