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A TOUR TO THE US of A
A Canuck's touring Guide of the United States.
by Jedi Guardian
I may be a Canuck, and as such I live in the land of beautiful cities (e.g. Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, Calgary) and great infrastructure (LOVE THE O-RAIL, DAMN IT!!), but sometimes Canada suffers from major cold winters (-20 to -50 C) and a number of idiots in the double digits (DANE COOK IS AWESOME, MANNNNN!). So what's a Canuck to do? Go to Europe? Sure, but it's expensive and far away. Asia? Too far away as well.
Africa? Not a chance. Australia? FUCK NO, but I'll try New Zealand. The answer: THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!! Yes, the good ol' US of A, a "country" where half of its land belonged to the Mexicans and 2/3 of it belonged to the French. But, hey, it's south of the border and cheap, right? Here's a touring guide of the 50 states (2 only visited by my family, I couldn't go). ENJOY, RAIDERITES!!
1. Alabama
"SWEET HOME ALABAMA!!" Although for most of the trip to that state was among the lines of "RUN, FORREST, RUN!". Really, there's nothing in the state of Alabama to necessitate a visit. Mobile is shit, unless your favorite hobby is lynching. Ozark scared me (most of the population was in their 60s and still have lynching posts). So in my utter disappointment I went to Montgomery, the state capital. Holy shit, that couldn't even save it from mediocrity. Here are the places I went to in Montgomery: The Alabama Shakespeare Festival, featuring Julius Caesar with a southern drawl. Montgomery Museum of Fine Arts (sucks by the way). The Alabama Department of Archives and History (What history? Oh, THAT history.), First White House of the Confederacy (too easy), Montgomery Biscuits, Southern League baseball for the Tampa Bay Rays (whatever the hell that means), The Montgomery Zoo (God, I feel sorry for the animals), Dexter Avenue United Methodist Church (HELL NO!), Blount Cultural Park, Flea Market Montgomery.....you know what? Just skip it; you might as well just shove a pencil in your eye. That's how sweet of a home Alabama is.
The World's Largest Stuffed Bird.
2. Alaska
Ah, the last state to join the Union, a state that's a breath of fresh air after the fiasco that is Alabama. There are two main cities that are in Alaska: Anchorage, and Juneau, but I'll add Nome for good measure. Juneau is the capital and not that impressive with the exception of Inuit mosaics painted in most homes and office buildings. Think of Brazil but fucking cold (-60 Celsius!). Anchorage, however, was great, a sight-seeing of orcas, seals, walruses, and the occasional polar bears (there's even been reports of wolf attacks to dogs while their masters take them for a walk). I think there's a McDonald's somewhere, with the delicacy of the McWhale burger. There's also the Alaska Native Heritage Center (how the Eskimos were born, great), Fraternal Order of Alaska State Troopers (Fuck the Police), the Alaska Botanical Garden which contains over 900 species of hardy perennials and 150 native plant species, Alaska Zoo, which, by the way, the Polar Bear exhibit is on the open so no need to refrigerate the exhibit. Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center, Delaney Park Strip and the two major parks for a stroll or just to chill: Kincaid Park and Point Woronzof Park. As for Nome, it's the town where back in 1925, several sled teams traveled from Nenana to Nome to save the children from Pox, Diphtheria, and Measles (now a curable disease). If you don't want to land, you can always take a cruise, which isn't cheap.
3. Arizona
YAY!!! Navajo Land!! Arizona, the jewel of the southwest. Nevertheless, there is nothing to see here except for reservations for the Navajos and Western Apaches. So, I present to you, uh, PHOENIX! This city is fifth as the most populous in the United States and home to the University of Phoenix (GET IT?!). It's also home to an array of Navajo festivals, some concerts, ballet (yeah, fucking ballet) and Native American museums (Heard Museum). It's like an below average version of New Mexico, but at least it's kind most of the time, so if you like isolation...this place is awesome.
4. Arkansas
Nothing to see here, unless you want to visit Little Rock and maybe take a tour on the property where Bill Clinton used to live...before he moved to Canada. The cuisine (which I forgot to mention on Alabama) consists of Popeye's, Church's, Lone Star, McDonald's and maybe Burger King. If you're on your way to Little Rock you should stop to the town of Cotton Plant; I heard their cotton plantations are divine. Sadly, there wasn't anyone harvesting the plants. I guess it's because they don't know how to operate the harvesters thanks to their superior school system (47th in the whole nation! WHOO!). Move along.
This picture should make Ed weep.
5. California
Sweet!! A state I can stand. Home to the Golden Gate Bridge, Hollywood, Gangsta culture, Disney Land, The PC, Death Valley, Palm Springs, Sea World, and Busch Gardens. So much to see, so little time, where to start? Well, there's Los Angeles, a big city where you can see the Chinese Theater, the Sidewalk of the Stars, Hollywood with its numerous movie studios. San Francisco with its sweet public transportation, and the Golden Gate Bridge, but careful with it's vast number of homosexuals, some of them get a little nuts. San Diego; home to Sea World, Busch Gardens, nice beaches, and street performers (just like in Toronto). Silicon Valley; where the Mac was born and an opportunity to get a tour through Steven Jobbs' empire. Anaheim; where Disneyland is, and the Mighty Ducks hockey team is (or was). Death Valley to the east, Long Beach to the west. Sacramento with its Mexican history and plethora of restaurants serving Mexican cuisine. However, like all major cities, Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego have a steady amount of crime, and foreclosures have been increasing since 2007, but the place is so touristy that you're going to get lost in its urban wonders. Also, California is a great place with pizza joints, Asian food, Mexican eateries, Tex-Mex. You name it, you got it. Not bad for a state that rivals Canada in population (40 million people). If you never been there, and need a place to visit, get off your ass.
Not even Google 3D can make Denver look appealing.
6. Colorado
Home of South Park and Columbine High School. The two main places in this state are Colorado Springs and Denver. Colorado Springs is mostly a retirement community for jarheads (hence why most menial jobs require at least two years of college) and it has an above average Ski resort (IT'S NO WHISTLER!). Denver, being the capital, is pretty big, with lots of museums (one that resembles the Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto), a plaza where people can play chess, a replica of the World Trade Center and a lot of radio stations for a the redneck community. Although it seems like a dream to some folks, it's just you're average western city. I mean, after California and Las Vegas, Denver gets old real quick (as quick as Kansas City). But hey, Univision is free, so can watch your Spanish soaps without paying to the cable company.
7. Connecticut
A friendly place (so it goes), the cars stop for pedestrians. Has museums and concerts on a smaller scale. Just go to Denver instead (I never thought I would be recommending that!).
8. Delaware
..........................................There's a bridge and.....ah, a national park, colonial homes. Oh and bars, lots of bars. Mostly so the people can drink themselves stupid at the thought of how shitty the state is.
9. Florida
It's hot, it has lots of beaches, there's Miami, home the CSI of the same name, a repertoire of clubs, brothels, and it's home to many Cubans and Haitian exiles. Cape Canaveral: where they launched the Apollo missions. Orlando: they have a Sea World, a border with the Everglades and Disney World, which is like Disney Land but bigger. Pensacola: a military base, very boring. And the capital, Tallahassee: home of Florida State University (DON'T TAZE ME BRO!), along with more universities and uh...offices. Joy. Guess you should stick with Miami, eh?
10. Georgia
AH, home to Hotlanta. Another southern state, with
southern cuisine, with southern traditions. Don't go to Savannah, not even to go
to the beach. Atlanta is the only place to go, although they have an increasing
amount of gang violence (and I thought Toronto had it bad). There's theaters, an
aquarium, a zoo and concerts. My experience wasn't too bad because of my
friends that live there. Oh, if you're going to Georgia, I suggest you wait;
apparently Georgia is having a severe case of drought and needs the nearby lake
in Tennessee, but Tennessee won't budge, although the surveyors said that they
mistook the border by a mile. The people didn't give a shit until now and if
Georgia moved the border a mile north, they have to relocate thousands of
Tennesseans somewhere else. God, how I love the southern ingenuity! Although I
hate the south, I wish that my friends could realize down there that they could
move somewhere better.
The Coolest Flag in the United States!
11. Hawaii
A tropical paradise, though sadly too expensive. There's Honolulu, which has the Pearl Harbor memorial, a shitload of restaurants (all with Hawaiian food!) and killer waves. I've been to Oahu, the main island of Hawaii, Lakai, and all three of them feature volcanoes, and huge green islands. And hey, Jurassic Park was filmed at Oahu, so most of the time you'll be waiting for a dinosaur to pop up for the foliage. Hawaii's just like Alaska; is more of a marvel if looked at from a cruise.
Does Idaho have large potatoes?
12. Idaho
Land of Potatoes and Napoleon Dynamite....yay! Nothing to see in Boise, really. Preston looks exactly like in Napoleon. You might stay there to see the potato farms.
13. Illinois
Oh, my, my, my, where to begin. It's home to Abraham Lincoln, which by the way there's a museum of him at Springfield. Chicago is where you should go, with its gangster history, you can't go wrong. Really, they got deep dish pizza, or known as Chicago Style, street musicians, cool infrastructure, and up north you can visit the Northern Illinois campus, and take pictures if you want (after being escorted out of the premises, of course).
14. Indiana
Land of the crazies and Indy 500. Indianapolis is so fucked up you may want to tour Winnipeg instead. Next.
The liberals of Iowa
15. Iowa
Lots of corn and cow shit. Des Moines reminds me of Oklahoma City, except it's up north instead in the South.
16. Kansas
Ugh. They filmed Twister in that place, precisely in Wichita. They have wheat fields, a football stadium, some bars and grass. Topeka sucks. The place of choice would be Holcomb, just because Truman Capote went there to get inspiration for his book In Cold Blood.
17. Kentucky
Kentucky Derby. Louisville (strange, I thought rednecks hated the French), which has cafes, and crowded streets that resemble Italy. They have anime convention that makes my university's anime convention look bearable, there's also a Civil War reenactment, in case you want to see how the rednecks lost the war. I mean, honestly folks. Kentucky sucks, the people have no life and therefore they're boring.
18. Louisiana
NEW ORLEANS. Nothing to see in Baton Rouge, except
just to listen people talk in Africanized French (Creole) but in New
Orleans...there's Mardi Gras and restaurants that specialize in coastal cuisine (like
in Veracruz, Mexico). Sadly, most of New Orleans is under water thanks to
Katrina, so now it resembles the movie Water World. On the plus side,
there's a town called Canadaville, named after the people who helped the most
during the hurricane's aftermath (this is the part where you sing "O Canada").
YAWN!
19. Maine
Population: Lots of lobsters.
Come to Baltimore, I'll eat...I mean, invite you to dinner.
20. Maryland
Go to Baltimore, that's where they kept Hannibal Lecter, and home to Mike Rowe from the show Dirty Jobs. There's also some good pubs and colonial infrastructure.
21. Massachusetts
Home of the Kennedys, Boston, which is considered one of the cleanest cities in the United States (second to Minneapolis), great fishing markets, bars, museums, Harvard, the Red Sox, racially pure population. It's was a fun town for me, there's very little crime in Boston, mostly because of churches and the school board trying to prevent crime, it's like Salt Lake City without the Mormons. It's a relaxing city in the middle of mediocrity.
Restore Michigan to its former glory, Mr. President!
22. Michigan
Don't bother; you'll die before you get to Detroit. Even if you take your Canadian Health Insurance. You might as well visit somewhere else, the infrastructure is poor and the crime is way too high, WAY. Michigan's so bad that more people from that state move to Canada than people from any other place in the United States (and no, it's not because of Michael Moore), second only to Montana.
Is that Canada?
23. Minnesota
WHOO! Finally, Canada in the USA. Minneapolis has great libraries, museums, radio stations, good sense of humor (there's still idiots living there, but isn't always), it's one of the primary centers for finance and business apart from Chicago and Seattle. There are too many churches for my tastes, but at least there's a lot of public transportation to go around (60% of Minneapolitans take the bus).
Look, kids. It's the Tricolour for rednecks.
24. Mississippi
Fuck it, don't bother, scratch that, go somewhere else or Trent Lott will blow you.
25. Missouri
Another southern state, whee!!! Somebody shoot me. Unless you love St. Charles and Branson (which is copying Las Vegas with its below average casinos), there's very little to do. Just don't let your kids eat at those Imo's Pizza franchises.
26. Montana
The 3rd biggest landmass in the States, yet they have the lowest population density. I mean, what the fuck? Helena is deserted, literally. Billings is where they have their Western festivals and food contests. But overall, it's basically Calgary with less people and above average festivals. I guess some of the people moved to Canada too.
27. Nebraska
It's that state where that kid with an AK-47 shot up a mall at Omaha, because what's how fun it is. Not much to see.
VIVE LE.....Vegas?
28. Nevada
One of my favorite states, the Casino and stripshow state. Carson City was great with its concerts and Musical Hall of Fame (it's like the RnR Hall of Fame, but better). Las Vegas is a fabulous experience; it's like being in Europe, except it's not. I lost up to 2,000 loonies just on the Riviera, saw Cirque de Solae, and ate some great pizza. Also, everything is big from the restaurant with it's all you can eat buffet to the cinemas. If I have to live in the United States, I'll move to Las Vegas, Nevada.
29. New Hampshire
Election city, and John McCain's favorite place and one man's favorite is another man's loathed. Pass this up; you won't get anything interesting, not even some fine ass.
30. New Jersey
A stinky, Jewed up version of New York, filled with wop half-breeds, fatty foods and questionable drinking water. But alas, what Aqua Teen Hunger Force is based on.
I wish I had a shotgun for this moment.
31. New Mexico
When I was a kid, I always wondered why Bugs Bunny could never get to Albuquerque. NOW I FUCKING GET IT!!! He probably went there but, being shocked by the boredom of it, his mind went into a state of recession and from then on, to this day, he's still looking for a way to it. The place is too dry, and too redneck to add as a favorite, but at least it features amazing landscapes, right, RIGHT?
I'LL TAKE YOU, MANHATTAN!
32. New York
Albany is okay, Buffalo is boring, New York City is where it's at. The Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens and Staten Island. It's also home to the UN headquarters, Central Park, the Empire State Building, concerts, Broadway, Mel Brooks estate, the World Trade Center Memorial, the Museum of Natural History, Chinatown, Brooklyn Bridge, Finance Center, lots of museums, lots of restaurants, lots of fine asses and tits. The possibilities are endless; I highly recommend it to my fellow Canucks. My main beef with New York City is how expensive the place is. It's actually higher than Canada's, but whatever works for New Yorkers, right?
33. North Carolina
Trees, bars, trees, Wal-Mart, trees, it's Delaware with more people.
34. North Dakota
Home of Bismarck (the capital), Fargo (the biggest city) and lots and lots of snow. There's a lot of golf courses in Bismarck along with some restaurants and Ice Rings, but Fargo is where the fun's at! There's a bad-ass theater in town, the Fargodome, where they show Broadway shows and concerts. So on the whole, it's average, but you'll be entertained if you're a movie aficionado.
Burn, Motherfucker, burn!
35. Ohio
Home to the Wright Brothers (the fathers of aviation, if you didn't know). While it is a frozen wasteland and most people are working menial, boring jobs....there's still fun to be had. Columbus is all right, with its museums and concerts, Cincinnati is somewhat of a clusterfuck (the public transportation is in disarray), and Cleveland is a disgrace to the Union, the Indians haven't won a single game, the Hall of Rock and Roll is too under unded (considering how many taxes they have to pay) and most the Clevelanders are fat, smelly and stupid.
36. Oklahoma
Redskin State!! What else can I say of Oklahoma? Tulsa is shit, not even Gary Busey's (I can see why he left) homeland makes it great, there's Native American museums, and that's it. Oklahoma City has Bricktown (basically downtown) with its barrage of mediocre museums of MODERN art. And home to a lot of spics and niggers, there's some festivals, so to speak, but they are random (A food festival?! Come the fuck on!!). In all, the only place to visit in Oklahomo (there's lots of fags there, get it?) is Bricktown and honestly it doesn't bring anything interesting to the table.
37. Oregon
Love Portland, because it's home to Chuck "Fight Club" Palahniuk, great beer (Samuel Adams), museums, and great American cuisine (although I prefer Montreal's). Salem has its share of interesting places and Wicca followers (WITCHES!).
38. Pennsylvania
The Quaker State! Philadelphia is its largest city and with Harrisburg as the capital. As always, the capitals in the states aren't really all that interesting, but Philadelphia (City of Brotherly Love) is home to the Philly Cheese Steak, West Philly, the Italian Market, the largest population of Italian, Irish, Black and Jamaican population in the states. But it has its rising amount of crime, so be careful of flashing your wallet.
39. Rhode Island
Being close to the Statue of Liberty, and that's it.
40. South Carolina
Another southern state, Charleston is great if you're into southern history and love southern cuisine; then there are historical walks, aquariums, zoos, restaurants with pizzazz and Civil War reenactments. Columbia is your southern capital with inhabitants suffering a severe case of southern drawl.
41. South Dakota
Home of Mount Rushmore. Snowy, below average infrastructure in Sioux Falls, and too many bars; it's like a colder version of Wisconsin!
42. Tennessee
Nothing to see here, except for a shitty museum dedicated to Elvis (even though he performed most of his concerts at Las Vegas).
It's the lone star state all right.
43. Texas
Here in the heart of Texas...I see nothing worthwhile. I mean, there's Dallas, and there are lots of activities to do in Dallas, Austin is pretty boring and Houston is great if you're a fucking spic. If you lived your life in Bumfuck, Mexico, then it's a festival in Houston. The southwestern part of Texas is covered with rednecks and Mexicans who barely speak English. One of our writers lives in Texas (for the moment). Like I said, if you're a Mexican who never set foot in the USA, then Texas is for you!
DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB
44. Utah
DUM DUH DUM DUH DUM
Beehive State is truly shitty
DUM DUH DUM DUH DUM
Girls in Salt Lake City aren't pretty
DUM DUH DUM DUH DUM
Everybody wears a tie and hates polluting
DUM DUH DUM DUH DUM
No wonder they got the Trolley Square Shooting
DUM DUH DUM DUH DUM
They don't have bars, casinos or titties
DUM DUH DUM DUH DUM
Please, just please go to New York City
SMART SMART SMART SMART
45. Vermont
Montpelier is nice. Of course, they share a border with Quebec (ugh). But they got awesome ski resorts, just like in Whistler (not in Quebec) and some people are friendly over there.
46. Virginia
I went to visit Virginia Tech, but I was escorted out of the premises. It was awesome. Cho Seung-Hui would be proud to know his school will become a museum of the dead.
47. Washington
In here just go to Seattle. I mean, you really need to go there. Although it's home of the musical "genre" known as grunge and Starbucks, there a lot of things to do, and you can always eat at the Space Needle, visit the Woodland Zoo, go to the Historical Museum. Home to largest IMAX in the union (second to Las Vegas). You just can't go wrong with this state.
48. West Virginia
You know what this state reminds me of with its good bag and cheap shoes? A rube, a well polished rube with a little, what's this state's father? Was he a coal miner? Did he stink of the lamb?
49. Wisconsin
Ahh, what once was considered the dangerous state is now one of the socially broke states. Milwaukee, while being a blast, it was dirty, but I guess it wouldn't matter since most of the population is drunk, and Madison is relatively safe (one of the safest cities apart from Boston). The state gets great concerts, and it's home to good bars. Go there, only if you love to drink.
50. Wyoming
My dad went there, a Western state, it's like Nevada, but more desolate and not as exciting.
Left out: Puerto Rico
Sadly, I did not go to Puerto Rico, but according to sister. In San Juan - the people talk Spanglish, the food is deep fried and the malls look like Mexico's. As boring as this sounds, I've been hearing of secret military training at the island of El Yunque, so to speak; it's top secret and the area is restricted, so it's making me want to there.
PHEW! There you have it, 50 states plus one territory. I hope my guide has been useful, for it is a guide wrote in layman's terms, so you don't have to suffer the boredom of the Southern states. As for me, I'll hit a Montreal bistro for a bagel.