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Vote George W. Bush in 2008
by Doom
How can you say 'no more' to that face?
I think the Bush Administration is, by far, the most interesting American presidency to ever come about in our post-Watergate age. Clinton's was a boring third way neoliberal parcel of bullshit, Bush Sr.'s was ineffectual, Reagan's lost steam once the serious brain melt started setting in (he was never smart, but at least he didn't drool so much in the early 80s), and all the rest (Carter, Ford) were also business as usual. But Dubya's is different, the best since Nixon and his paranoid scheming. Like all great works of art, his presidency can be interpreted in so many different ways. You can claim it a group of incompetent fuckups trying to do their best and failing. A cabal of masterminds, and Bush, pushing a legislative pipe bomb of fascist, corporatist, anti-democratic rhetoric through the Congress while the 9/11 corpses cooled on Ground Zero. A long improvised bit of theatre that got tired in the last 4 years and suffered from some mediocre replacements for key players (Gates for Rumsfeld especially). Or combinations. So many possibilities! That's why I think Bush should receive a third term.
Think of what he could accomplish, or not accomplish, with another couple of years of half-assed fascism! Maybe Bush could even turn the fascist enterprise made of crumbling breadsticks around and appoint Reinhart Heydrich lookalike Rudy Giuliani to be the Red Skull to his Hitler! Rudy G's Broken Windows policy would cause mass terror for the right people. Sometimes you just gotta allow a dictator some extra time to breathe and implement his evil policies to the fullest. You can't give him the hook so soon, people! It's true that some people/shows/things go downhill as time goes on, but I peg Bush for a late bloomer. Well, it's mostly because he definitely hasn't bloomed yet and both of his terms have been fairly disappointing given the pedigree and the ambition of Fuckwit and his advisors/cronies/puppetmasters. I think they can do more and do better if we just give them another chance! Third attempt at fascism's the charm!
It took a long time, but Bush has finally mutated back into the lovable loser conception he once was before the toll of the Iraq War made it impossible to consider him anything but a monstrous asshole. There's an opportunity for a Bush backlash backlash to come into existence; that is, for people to support Bush again by sheer virtue of people being tired of hearing from leftists and others about how much Bush sucks. I know I get tired of "Bush lied, they died", although my reaction isn't so extreme as to actually become a Republican. But perhaps a backlash backlash may rehabilitate his perception and cause once diehard "fool me twice..." people into being fooled thrice. In addition, lovable loser allows Bush a smokescreen to pull off some Patriot Act New World Order Neo-Nazi shit. Remember, the first time he went all fascist, it was precluded by him being a do-nothing vacation taking shithead. The second term of his seems to follow the same pattern of establishing him as an incompetent retard. If we don't let him go Mussolini in 2009-2012, then the second term was completely pointless.
The campaign Bush could run if allowed to go for the third term would be nothing short of glorious. For starters, his campaign could bring out the canard he used last time, that you don't change a president during a war. Actually, Bush might be able to become president-for-life if he runs on that. Also, the sheer novelty of him running again would most definitely draw in a number of joke votes. Hm. Perhaps he himself could play that up by appealing to the sarcastic, the cynical and the satirical. "Vote for me and I'll blow up America" is a perfect slogan for Dubby to employ. As Stephen Colbert and Ron Paul have shown us, the sarcastic/cynical/satirical bloc, if not powerful, is certainly persistent and annoying. Factor in the lifelong conservatives who won't vote for a woman or a black man and you've got easy electoral victory, although I admit it hinges on the Democrats fuck up beyond all recognition. I think we can depend on the Dems to fuck up a sure thing, can't we?
I say that if Hitler got 12 years to turn Weimar-era "Hey man, anything gooooes...you wanna toke?" Germany into his dream Reich, we ought to give Bush the same amount of time to complete America's makeover into 17th century England. Or the Earth as seen in the Book of Revelations. It depends on his ambitions for his 3rd and final term (a 4th term would be pushing it and would piss on FDR's legacy). No matter what, though, a third term would cement those currently spurious comparisons between Hitler and Bush. I mean, Hitler got democratically elected, Hitler's excursions into small countries had merit and succeeded, Hitler had 12 years. With this move, you could say Hitler got democratically elected, Hitler's excursions into small countries had merit and succeeded, BUT he had the same amount of time in power as Bush did. Once you confirm one factual comparison, the rest starts to fall into place. If Bush got another term, we'd finally be able to substantiate all those stray thoughtless comments made by hippies on Myspaces, Facebooks and blogs... Shit, did I just defeat my own argument?
Okay, so maybe the 'it'll help college students' wasn't the best hand to play. I'll recover. I've got an Ace up my proverbial sleeve. If Bush goes for another term and he fucks it up even worse than he did his first or second, it may very well kill conservatism or more specifically neoconservatism for a long fuckin' time. True, Nixon's sins didn't keep Ronnie Raygun for putsching into office less than a decade later. But Nixon was in some respects liberal. He recognized Communist China (the REAL Communist China, not the pussy market socialist bullshit Bejing's peddling now), he created the EPA and was generally the farthest 'left' Republican for a while, in spite of his Vietnam policy. Nixon didn't bring down the party as it didn't hinge on him. Bush on the surface may seem like another Nixon (in that he's not really connected to the party), but a closer examination reveal he's closer than the Republicans want to admit. See, Iraq is imperative to the conservative movement and so is Iran. Bush fucks up Iraq and Iran further, then the concept of preemptive strike is toast. The entire house of cards crumbles after that, especially if the Democrats work up the courage to impeach the fuckwit and size him up for a jail cell next to the rest of the Sinister Six (Donny Rumsfeld, Armitage, Ashcroft, Cheney, Rove). That kinda heat won't lead to them eventually getting jobs on FOX NEWS as correspondents or experts. No, it'll fuck up conservatism for a long time in America. All the more reason to vote for Bush!
Not only that, but another four years of Fuckwit could very well bring about either the apocalypse or the end of the United States as a global power. I'd like to see one of the two happen, just for curiosity's sake. Already the US is in pretty shitty shape, the dollar having become worth nothing, our reputation putting us somewhere between Satan and Ryan Seacrest in terms of popularity, and our military can't even occupy a Middle Eastern patchwork country correctly (I'll give them the benefit of the doubt on Afghanistan since no one's able to occupy Afghanistan). If Bush fucks up and tries and fails to total Iran, expect to see the USA as more of a joke than now. Since I'm a loud and proud America hater, I can't say I don't want to see Amerikkka become a shitty third world version of a world power. It's only fair, considering what happened to the USSR. As for the apocalypse, hey, I think it'd be fun. Nuclear wasteland everywhere, the destruction of the capitalist global economy, the near complete decimation of life on Earth...you only live once, you know? If I'm only going to be around 70 years, I want to see the human race die. Maybe Hollywood (or what's left of it) would FINALLY film a good version of I Am Legend then.
Another possible side effect: if Tardo gets in despite most of the country and all of the world hating him, the possibility of us getting invaded by Russia or China increases heavily. Theoretically, the world would see a third term as a betrayal of democracy and give credence to the view that Bush is nothing more than a dictator in a nice lookin' suit. I want to see it, this hypothetical invasion. America's never really been invaded before and I want to see what happens if couch potato complacent fucks are faced an occupying force? Would they rebel? Would they bring about a broad resistance? Fuck no. They'd whine about it and then occasionally try to rebel, only to fail miserably because most of 'em are fat fucks whose guns only work for scaring away those disgusting illegal immigrants. Seeing a Russian or Chinese boot on the neck of America for a change...priceless (I think I came). I believe only Bush is diplomatically stupid enough to allow this to happen, as well as militarily inept enough to completely fail in warding off the invaders!
For my final bit of proof, I implore you to look at the field of declared presidential candidates. Is there really anyone who can be all that much better than Bush? Going down the list, we've got Giuliani (bigger fascist, more competent, more evil), Mitt Romney (as bad and as stupid as Bush), Banjo Playing Asshole (aka Mike Huckabee), Fred Thompson (dumbfuck actor), John McCain (apt to have a Vietnam flashback during a speech any time now), Ron Paul (literally crazy) and a lot of other Republicans whose either far-rightness or incompetence matches up with Bush. If any Republican won, we'd essentially get a bootleg version of Bush's qualities. I figure, keep the original around instead of opting for a sequel. The Democrats, well, we know they won't win. They just won't. They're failures. They could botch a lemonade stand by refusing to cut the funding of a poisonous lemonade supply ("but but but my bridge money is in that bill!" says Democratic Congressman #1938). America hates women and black people, they think John Edwards is 'too' attractive (if he doesn't look inbred, he's AN ELITIST) and the rest of the field doesn't matter. Plus, the Democrats'll still be pro-corporate bitches, except for novelty candidates Gravel and Kucinich. I like both of 'em, but it'd be like electing Alvin and the Chipmunks to the Presidency. Clearly, the devil we know is preferable to the devil we don't, and Bush is also the only devil qualified for leading America into an abyss of poverty and squalor.
I'm not joking when I say I want George W. Bush as the President of these United States come January 20th, 2009. I truly support him and any possible quest of his to obtain a third term. While all you suckers are supporting Obama, or I'll Fucking Murder Youliani, or Clinton, or Romney, or, God forbid, Ron Paul, I'll be the one backing The Decider.