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Attempting to initiate homosexual sex is part of my standard bathroom procedure
by Larry Craig
You can't prove it's a crime to rape you with my eyes either!
Guys, come on. You have to believe me! I wouldn't lie about something like this! I wouldn't! Come on! Don't haul me away! I did nothing wrong, seriously! Come on! Please! I didn't mean it, just like I didn't mean to agree to a guilty plea! I compulsively agreed, which is a documented medical condition! You have to believe me! Please! Please! Please...
Okay, I think what the problem is is our failure to communicate with each other openly and honestly. You think I did something I plainly did not do. I did not advance on you sexually, and even if I did, it was not a crime that I deserved to be arrested for. You see, you're coming from this thinking what I did was wrong and something of an outlier, something worthy of punishment. You see, that's where you're wrong. You are wrong. You are wrong. Attempting to initiate homosexual sex is not something wrong or something I don't normally do. It's normal. It's part of my standard bathroom procedure. That's not to say I am myself homosexual. I am not. Nor do I actually initiate homosexual sex in bathrooms. I attempt it. I don't succeed. See, that's what makes me not a criminal. You can't arrest me for attempted sodomy! That's, that's, that's like arresting me for attempted murder or attempted rape! What is attempted sodomy? It's nothing!
Your case does not hold up. See, see, what you did was it was under false pretenses. What I thought was that you were a homosexual and now you're saying you're not, well, it strikes me as falsified advertising or something. It's entrapment is what it is. You passed yourself off as a gay man with your handlebar mustache and huge penis, but then you turned out to be a straight policeman. False advertising. If I knew you were a cop from the get go I wouldn't have propositioned you for homosexual sex. I would've probably done something differently, like asked you if you could tase an immigrant or shove a plunger up my anus. What I definitely would not do, definitely, is ask for you to have gay sex with me. It's inappropriate to discuss such things with an officer of the law. So I wouldn't have had you told me. See? Don't you understand the problem?
Offering homosexual sex to fellow bathroomgoers is a perfectly rational thing to do if you're a heterosexual like I clearly am. It's perfectly understandable, but if you don't get it now I'll explain it to you. I do it to see if there are any gays invading our airports and using American and/or international airlines to smuggle children in and out of the children to use for their Satanic child raping rituals. Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. That's why I propositioned you, to see if you were a threat to national security. That's what I do when I find a bonafide homosexual in a bathroom, airport or otherwise. After having hot, sweaty, tantric gay sex with the man, I report his gayosity to the Department of Homeland Security and my job as a Senator shines through any improprieties I had to commit to obtain the information on the Gay Agenda's plans. No matter how gay I have to get, I'm willing to do it if it reflects America's national security needs. I'm willing to have a foot long shoved into my mouth if that's what it takes. So really, by detaining me and arresting me, you're allowing gay terrorists to molest our kids and arrive in our country unfettered! You're hurting America!
As for me getting my penis sucked in the urinal, which you saw before I propositioned you, it's not what it looks like. It's not what it looks like! I was simply having a fellow bathroom-goer clean my penis off. He was making sure there was not any excess urine or semen, er, uh, er, just urine, just urine, on my penis from after I urinated in the urinal. It's perfectly standard and it's the only surefire way of ensuring my penis is clean after I go to the bathroom. I do the same task for other men if they ask it of me. I don't see why you police people think it's something nefarious or, worse, homosexual. It's a common and safe method of fostering cleanliness of genitalia. I mean, how would you clean your penis? With paper towels? Hah! If it's all the same to you, I'd like to stick to my mouth cleaning method. It's illegal? What? Ohh...well, I didn't know that...You're also taking the gay pornography you found in my briefcase all out of context. Sure, out of context it makes it seem like I'm really a homosexual who likes men as opposed to women which I am supposed to like. But I have a perfectly good explanation for why I'm holding gay pornography in my possession. See, see, someone I met at the airport asked me if I could hold some of his things and I agreed and I put them in my briefcase for safe keeping to make sure nothing bad happened to any of them. Isn't that logical? What, would you just hold the gay pornography out in your hand? Maybe you would, but not me. I ensured the gay pornography's protection by putting it in my ol' briefcase. You don't accept that as a justification? Um, well, uh, uh...
Please, whatever you do, don't tell anyone I did this or I tried to explain my way out of it. Please. My family, they'd be devastated by it. To say nothing of how the Senate would handle it! They'd be crushed! Crushed! They wouldn't know what to do, since I'm a valued member of the Senate and there's no precedent for indiscretions on part of Senators in this country. I represent the great state of Idaho and they too would be crushed by the allegations you have made against me. They think of me as a great and moralistic man and any evidence to the contrary would just destroy them. The state wouldn't know how to function. People would crash their cars into trees. Children would forget to eat. Plants would die. Animals would run into glass windows. Trust me, you do not want to report this to your superiors or to the media. Don't. Don't! Please don't. Please...
How about I suck you off in exchange for your silence? No? That's a crime too? Oh, drat.