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Joe Biden: In Case Barack Obama Doesn't Whore Enough...
by Doom
Obama fucking loved those clean and articulate remarks, apparently.
Bob Uecker branches out from baseball announcing to politics.
Writing an article about Joe Biden is pretty fucking hard, I must admit. Not in terms of material, of which there's a shitload. But aesthetically he is so boring one must put forth much effort to write about him. Even plagiarizing in regards to the guy takes some effort, more so than his efforts to plagiarize took. When I found out he was chosen for vice president on the Obama ticket, I first took a chug out of the closest liquor bottle. Then I drank from the next closest liquor bottle. Finally...well, you get the point: it involved a lot of drinking. Why? Because Biden is Biden, a nothing politician defined by his many flaws and denoted by his utter lack of ability to create enthusiasm. If you looked up "white guy" in the dictionary, which you wouldn't since it's a term and not a word, undoubtedly Joe Biden would show up as a picture example. And if he didn't, someone looking exactly like him would.
A homosexual drifter from Colorado, Jose "Joe" Biden spent many years in and out of corrections facilities until he found a greater calling than stealing cars from naive married couples who'd stop on the highway to give a hitchhiker a lift. That greater calling was construction work, but soon after, when that didn't pan out, he became involved in politics. Relocating to Delaware because it did not have any extradition treaties with the United States, Biden quickly rose through the three ranks of Democratic politics. Now legally recognized as Joseph Biden, he also obtained a family, a wife and three children. In 1972, wife Neilia and daughter Naomi were tragically killed in a funny car accident that was anything but funny. This brought Biden back to heroin use and he descended into a haze of substance abuse and cheap prostitute sex that seriously conflicted with his ambitions to become a successful Democratic politician.
Prior to the accident, Biden was given the opportunity to run for a Senate seat. He used his street smart skills to appeal to the average Delawarian and as a result won by over 3,000 votes (out of 4,598 cast). But it still didn't keep his family from dying. Perhaps had he been a senior Senator and not a junior that fateful funny car accident wouldn't have happened. Speculation doesn't matter, however. What matters is Joe Biden worked through the pain both by donning a skull T-shirt and penalizing, or "punishing", the driver of the funny car that killed his family and through dispassionate legislative reformation in the federal government. Dispassionate discourse served Joe well; the boring procedural humdrum Senate kept him from Vietnam flashbacks as well as remembering his wife and daughter all shredded up and bleeding. Only another spike could stop those demons for good, but he was insistent on not falling back to hard times and the Chinaman's Delight.
A long term fix involved trying to run for President, which in 1988 was subject to intense scrutiny when it became apparent Biden had in fact plaigiarized much of his campaign from former president and current worm food John F. Kennedy. Most damningly, in primary debates and campaign speeches he repeatedly referred to his opponent as "Vice President Nixon", despite Nixon neither being Vice President nor a candidate in the election. Another attempt in 2008 failed when no one remembered who this "Biden" fellow was, what he wanted or what party he belonged to. Yet through sheer luck and an improbable team-up on Xbox Live, Joe Biden and clean, articulate young upstart Barack Obama became fast friends, which brings us to today. Obama asked if Biden wanted to be the DJ Jazzy Jeff to his Fresh Prince, to which Biden enthusiastically replied "sho' nuff!". The rest will come in the days following.
In truth, most of the preceding few paragraphs were lies, because they're more interesting than the truth. They're also an amalgamation of several origin stories, including those of the Punisher, Dale Earnhardt Sr., J. Peterman and a composite of Federal Party candidates, which is only fitting because of how much shit Biden stole to improve his own credentials. As a writer I hate the idea of plagiarism and Biden's pathetic cases of it compel me to manifest personal dislike for the man. Although I see why he does it; one must only look at collected editions of his gaffes to understand his propensity to rely on the material of others to make his points. Not even good material, either; mostly Biden cribbed from universalist populist crap only a fool would fall for. (Making it fitting he serves as VP nominee for the most anticipated presidential ticket since Reagan.)
Biden plays towards moneyed interests openly and often, if you didn't think Obama would kowtow to Wall Street enough. A shorter list would be what interests Biden didn't suck off in exchange for career advancement. Let's see, he shills for the credit card companies which bind Americans in debt they cannot pay back and as a result is a cheerleader for our continued bailing out of worthless companies shitty at their ostensible jobs. Voted for NAFTA. Clearly he's in hock to capitalism, as should be expected for a mainstream Democrat who wants to get ahead in his field. Really, talking about these things in specifics is fucking boring and pointless. Anticipate DNC bullshit and Joe Biden will come as no surprise to you. Thinking him anywhere left of Jimmy Carter: a fucking mistake.
Worse yet is his foreign policy and the self-aggrandizement of such a shitty foreign policy. This guy thinks other people think what he thinks when in fact it's only in the sense that if you boil them down, thoughts do equal thoughts. He constantly whined for the government to take on the Biden plan for Iraq, which involved a three state solution of a bandage of a resolution. Remember how well Yugoslavia's dissemblement meant? Well, who cares if you opposed it, because Biden loved him some Serbia punishin'. Otherwise, Biden can count himself among one of several with-it-before-it-started-sucking Iraq War voters; his quotes on the topic weeks before it became a clusterfuck will make you laugh until the bile comes flowing. As for the rest of the world: Pro-Israel ("it's almost genetic", he has said of Democrats' report for Jewish Africa), anti-Cuba, pro-interventionism in Darfur, pro-Iranian sanctions, pro-Afghanistan death march. If the Democratic Party wanted an anti-war ticket (which they didn't), choosing Joe Biden for the undercard strikes me as ridiculously ill-advised.
Of course, neither they nor Obama intended progressivism. The Democratic Party is the good cop to the Republicans' bad cop. They might use some softer language, but they'll still plant shit on you to earn you a ten stretch. Biden's mere existence proves it; he's an odious fuck with a habit for saying the stupid thing at the wrong time without any rhetorical skills or keen insight to compensate. Smarter than Bush only by virtue of not being Bush. At best, choosing Biden serves as contrition to White America on part of the Democratic Party for choosing a nigger for presidential nominee over several much more qualified and much whiter candidates. Otherwise, I have little more to say of Biden. Come on. Fucking look at him. You should be happy I was able to get this far without resorting to attention grabbing measures such as unnecessary inclusion of unconnected lesbian pornography and tangential guest appearances by Michael McGee, or Steve Niles, or Josiah X.
To close out the article, I've collected ten totally true statements made by Joe Biden. By placing them in a row, you'll see why he bears the reputation of "Senatorial Sayer of Stupid Bullshit". It wasn't hard to compile them, by the way. Mostly consisted of going on Wikipedia. Narrowing it to ten was the hardest part.
- "Israel has no better friend than Joe Biden."
- "In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian Americans - moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking."
- "President Bush did not lash out precipitously after 9/11. He did not snub the U.N. or our allies. He did not dismiss a new inspection regime. He did not ignore the Congress. At each pivotal moment, he has chosen a course of moderation and deliberation..."
- "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that's a storybook, man." [the famous one!]
- "I know a lot of my opponents out there say I'd be a great Secretary of State. Seriously, every one of them. Do you watch any of the debates? 'Joe's right, Joe's right, Joe's right.'"
- "We should be putting together a plan as to how we are going to play a positive role in moving that country, after the Castros are gone, to—more toward democratization and liberalization in their society."
- "I've spent 35 years of my career dealing with issues relating to Israel. My support for Israel begins in my stomach, goes to my heart and ends up in my head." [the Biden Magic School Bus trip through rationalization of apartheid!]
- "We can call it quits and withdraw from Iraq [but] I think that would be a gigantic mistake, or we can set a deadline for pulling out, which I fear will only encourage our enemies to wait us out--equally a mistake."
- "I think we should divide the country [Iraq] into three regions, just like we did in Bosnia."
- "Why am I the first Kinnock in a thousand generations to be able to get to university? Why is Glenys the first woman in her family in a thousand generations to be able to get to university? Was it because all our predecessors were thick?"