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What does this mean? Roundtable
by Dick Gephardt, Lorne Michaels, Blitz Niggardly, Carenage, Shigeru Miyamoto and Josiah X
Dick Gephardt: Hello. I'm former Democratic politician Dick Gephardt, here today to act as moderator for tonight's Virginia Tech massacre 'What does this mean?' Roundtable, funded and sponsored by the Daily Raider, Cho Seung-Hui's favorite website. Doom decided is was the Daily Raider's duty to definitively determine what the massacre 'meant' in the existential sense. We have brought together some of the site's favorite contributors to answer this age-old question. Hailing from Berlin, Germany, famed leader of the World Nazi Party, Lorne Michaels!
Lorne Michaels: Ja, ja, hold the applause, you Jewish untermensch.
Dick Gephardt: America's favorite joke, Blitz Niggardly!
Blitz Niggardly: Don't let Cho Seung-Hui's Gookism fool you, he was really former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan! I have Alex Jones forum threads proving it!
Dick Gephardt: Famed 'sensible' liberal, Andrew Steiber aka the monstrously caring symbiote Carenage!
Carenage: [crying] Oh, uh, hello.
Dick Gephardt: Asian correspondent Shigeru Miyamoto!
Shigeru Miyamoto: MAGIC CREATIVE! A HA!
Dick Gephardt: And finally, black supremacist Josiah X.
Josiah X: Oh, I see how it is. The BLACK MAN has to be introduced last. Can't have any of the WHITE members of this crackertable be introduced later than the nigga, that'd be too displeasing to Doom the White Man. Well, I ain't goin'-
Dick Gephardt: Thank you, Mr. X. Here's how the roundtable will go: each person will state their opinion on what 'this' means, and the others will critique and argue said opinion. We'll continue on until the end where we will decide on a consensus opinion. Or the Republicans will tell us to shut up and what to think. Either of those works for me, since I'm an opinionless jellyfish. Let's start with Lorne Michaels.
Lorne Michaels: Well, it's clearly the Jews who did Virginia Tech, so we can define the 'this' as the Jewry in the United States, and what it means is Israel controls every event in this country. Clearly, something must be done. I suggest we begin by killing all newborn male Jews. Although it is true you cannot 'kill' a Jew as such (as they are not living creatures), the usual method of decapitation should slow down their evolutionary process quite a bit.
Josiah X: Sounds like a good idea to me. You all right, Lorne, for a cracker.
Lorne Michaels: Shut up, nigger. I'm not done talking, ja? The second step to my plan involves nuking Israel. That will force Jews to undergo their transformation from man to man-cockroach. Then white people will be aware of their TRUE nature. If Virginia Tech has taught us anything, it is that we cannot tolerate the fascism of the Jews lest we see more of our children die in school shootings. Agreed?
Josiah X: Man, those fuckin' Virginia Tech crackers DESERVED what they got. They crackers! Crackers ain't innocent! I read all this shit about 32 innocent people killed in Virginia Tech massacre. Again, I don't think crackers is innocent. They the very opposite definition of innocent. Guilty. Guilty of being ghostfaced motherfuckers, right? You best damn know I'm right. Virginia Tech should be an openin' salvo in a war against 5-0 and the White Occupation, but the shooter was a goddamn gook so it don't count towards furthering any of my revolutionary goals. Therefore, Virginia Tech ('this') means ('mean') jack shit. Nother small dicked Orient motherfucker got all pissed off and shot some people. Ain't my problem, ain't see why I should care.
Carenage: My...my word! I could not disagree more, though I must say you're entitled to your opinion and I'm not trying to be thought Nazi by saying you shouldn't think it. I profusely apologize if I inadvertently offended you in any way. My point? Oh yes. My point is Virginia Tech does definitely mean something, man. It means we really should maybe think about thinking about considering altering our policy on guns, like maybe regulate the sale of guns more. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's my opinion. We need to do 'something' about guns in this country. I don't know if we should have more, I don't know if we should have less, but I know we need to do something, man. It may be crass to exploit a tragedy for petty politics and law reform, but, like, this has to mean something, or else, like, uh...you know?
Blitz Niggardly: You see, that's exactly what they want us to do!
Carenage: Who's 'they'?
Blitz Niggardly: I don't know yet, but when I find out I'll tell you.
Carenage: Okay. So let's, like, why don't you articulate your opinion, man, cause right now, we're in a free exchange of ideas. I hope I didn't offend you if you don't want this exchange of ideas to be free. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Blitz Niggardly: Well, if you read my article about Bush's involvement in Virginia Tech, which you haven't since Doom quashed the article because he's one of them (them is separate from they; I know that much). Basically, Bush made Virginia Tech happen because he controls the country and especially our children. Thus, he killed those 33 people impersonally and reaped the benefits of that vis-a-vis the Illuminati Templar Knights allotting him more water-fueled cars. It's all part of a large conspiracy, I'm telling you people. Why don't you believe me? Conspiracies within conspiracies! Bush and every other president care only about one thing: their representation on the Council of Elders which is the secret cabal that runs all the other secret cabals as well as the world. Sometimes the Council of Elders wants the President to kill some children using a Manchurian candidate as proof of their loyalty to the concept of the Council. The President obliges always, hence why we are a world power and hence why school shootings happen so often. Don't ask me why presidents love setting up school shootings so often; I still haven't unraveled THAT one. Or maybe I have and the aliens erased my memory before I could write it down.
Shigeru Miyamoto: Cho Seung-Hui killing spree is definitely not lightning round or bonus stage or physical challenge. It is time in game show where contestants lose and receive no money as compensation. If Virginia Tech were game show, Cho not even being given buzzer from which to buzz in with answers or physical challenges. I avoid and do when Virginia Korean of technology so is not because of those, high and believe that it is the tragedy which is not the れ. They take charge of that everything. They Cho try to have the gun, the fact that he kills the people permit. In order for Japan to be South Korea, we should do for the second time. Bonus stage!
Dick Gephardt: Well, thanks, everybody, for giving their honest opinion on the matter. As for me personally, I have no opinion. I'm a Democrat. Now, onto the second part of this roundtable. Let's hear everyone's thoughts on other opinions and through that hopefully we'll be able to form a consensus on the topic. Perhaps you should start, Mr. Michaels?
Lorne Michaels: I found most opinions suitably non-Israeli, although that pinko commie Jew sympathizer Carenage gave me pause. And by gave me pause I obviously mean I want to murder him and his family. But my opinion is still the correct one and those who disagree will find themselves in Poland when Hammond and I invade in a police action.
Shigeru Miyamoto: PHYSICAL CHALLENGE!
Dick Gephardt: I don't...I don't know what that means, Mr. Miyamoto.
Carenage: Hey, I understand what he means. It's going to be a physical challenge to go through the day without crying endlessly about Virginia Tech. I know I've had trouble decreasing my tissue box consumption from 6 a day to 3 a day. But I need to, you know, to save the environment. [sobs]
Dick Gephardt: What about the other panelists' conceptions of the 'this' and what 'it' means, Mr. Steiber?
Carenage: Oh, well, I unfortunately can't say I agree with any of theirs. But hey, this, this is not me playing the blame game or the insult game. I'm just, you know, expressing my opinion. I don't want to stop your free speech from happening, you know, I mean, I mean, democracy and all that. We all need to have our own thoughts and we need to all think for ourselves so we can brainstorm a new idea combination of all our prior good ideas. Well, not good, but, like, nice ideas. You know? [cries some more]
Josiah X: Man, shut the fuck up. You keep on talking and all I'm hearin' some WHITE OCCUPATION BULLSHIT.
Blitz Niggardly: White Occupation, Black Power, they're all owned by the same people - Bohemian Grove and the Trilateral Commission. Don't you people SEE THAT?!?!!?!?!
Dick Gephardt: Calm down, calm down. It seems we've not come to a consensus yet. How about this as a consensus. Virginia Tech is.
Blitz Niggardly: Shouldn't it be 'was'?
Dick Gephardt: Okay, so who votes for Virginia Tech is?
Lorne Michaels: Ja.
Josiah X: Yeah.
Dick Gephardt: And 'was'?
Carenage: Yes.
Blitz Niggardly: Yes.
Shigeru Miyamoto: Tiger Lily!
Dick Gephardt: Okay...final consensus, "Virginia Tech was, Tiger Lily". Well, from everyone at the Commission on Making Inane Declarations Which Seem Important At The Time, this is Dick Gephardt saying thank you for reading and thank you for allowing us to waste your time deliberating on something you won't remember a week from now.