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The Daily Raider is brought to you by the Project for an Unamerican Century and the Ronnie Gardocki Beard Preservation Society. The Daily Raider accepts donations, but we will only use them for liquor, cocaine and South American prostitutes.
by Todd Howard
I don't get it, guys. I mean, guys. Why don't you accept the new direction of the Daily Raider, or now the Dairy Laidel as it's called? I, for one, welcome our new Asian overlords, guys. Seriously. Come on. Come on. The new status quo is not only good, it's better. Think about it, guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Seriously. Come on, guys. Guys, come on. Seriously, come on. Guys, seriously. Seriously, guys. Seriously, seriously. Come on. Let's give the Japanese/Chinese/Korean triad a chance, guys. Come on. Seriously. Seriously, guys. Give them a shot. What's the worst thing that can happen, seriously?
Japan and Asia are great places, seriously. I've been to both. They're fine. Seriously. Guys. Seriously. Come on. Hear me out. They're not America, sure, but that doesn't mean it's not a good region, guys. I mean, they have a very strict regimented business style unlike lazy Doom and his American buddies. They sleep in little tubes, like gerbils. It's something I've wanted to do for Bethesda for a long time, seriously. It would so increase productivity it's not even funny, guys. We would be able to create expansion packs for Oblivion in a year instead of two years. That's something, guys. More content for more money, you know, guys, seriously. I would gladly live like a rodent in exchange for more money and more love from our core base of Bethesda, seriously. Come on, it's a no-brainer. The Japanese are successful for a reason while we're not that successful anymore. We need to be more like them and outsourcing comedy writing is one of the steps we do need to take. Seriously, it's not like Jim Belushi is burning up the charts. Come on, people, or better yet, come on, guys.
The leadership skills and strict work regimen aren't all, guys. I did some research and Asia actually creates products, like silk, and 'anime' and child pornography. Now, I'm not interested in those things, seriously, but you have to admit they fill needs (hopefully all not the same need). If not for Asia, it'd be really hard, seriously, for the average American to get a hold of child pornography. Come on, guys. You must admit that. And if not for Asia, where would we hold our 2008 Summer Olympics, guys? Atlanta again? Sydney? I don't think so. Seriously, Beijing has it all: roads, streets, corners, curbs, gutters, a supposed sewer system. It's a state of the art city, guys. I literally cannot wait for the Olympics, so that's why after this article I plan on freezing myself in my walk-in freeze with instructions for my maid to thaw me out when the Olympics start - August 8, 2008. That's how seriously I am about my love of the Summer Games. Oh, it's very possible with modern technology, guys. Seriously.
You don't think Asia is innovative? Look at video games. Video games wouldn't exist if not for Japan, I think, maybe, seriously. They did Donkey Kong and Final Fantasy and Super Mario Bros. and The Legend of Zelda. Great games which inspired a lot of stateside games, seriously. In fact, Bethesda takes a lot of inspiration from Japan, guys. And by that I mean we plagiarize from them wholesale. Did you know the Japanese had trees before we did, guys? Well, if you didn't know before, now you know now. Magic was also invented by Japan and we took the idea of swords from The Legend of Zelda. Come on. If you can't give some 'dap' to Asia for bringing about Oblivion's greatest elements, you're not a true gamer. Seriously, guys. Come on. Dap.
Bethesda wouldn't be where we were, are and will be today if Japan and Asia as a whole did not exist. Sure, we'd still be making games, but they wouldn't be as good and I don't think the American population would take to them to the same extent they do now. So basically what you're saying if you don't like Asia is you don't like Bethesda, and my mother always told me not to consider seriously seriously the opinions of those who don't like you anyway. I suppose that would then mean the new Asian owners have a 100% approval rating in the Todd Howard poll. Guys, that sounds pretty good to me. The only guys who don't like the change are the same guys who think Fallout 3 is going to be a disaster.
Another amazing thing about Asia: all of the people are very short. Now, you're probably wondering why that's amazing. Well, guys, let me tell you, the shortness of the population means that all the shorts are by definition short shorts. That is definitely a godsend for me, guys. That's why I go to Japan every year for the purpose of purchasing as many XXS shorts I can get my hands on. I really wish I had grown up as a Japanese schoolboy with short shorts as opposed to my unfortunate upbringing as an American boy with all too long jeans. America can't make the claim of supporting the rights of short short enthusiasts in the past 20 years. They've been mocked for being "too short" and "gay looking". In Asia this fashion style doesn't suffer the same stigma. I may be biased about Asia because I'm the biggest owner of short shorts in human history, but it's how I feel, guys. Asian society is way more inclusive unless you're black or Jewish. And I'm not either, so, guys. Come on. Guys. Guys.
I think it's better to acquiesce to the Asian owners of the Dairy Laidel than to rebel by not going to the site anymore or complaining about it in public or private conversation. Come on, guys, seriously, not cool to bash the new guys less than a week into their glorious 1000 year reign. What's the word used to describe guys who judge first based on no knowledge? Prejudice. Hitler was also pretty prejudiced, guys, and I don't think you want to be Hitler. Seriously, guys. Come on. Guys. The new staff has made several improvements on the old site. There's more regular updates, more varied content and finally there's, guys, a real minority view as opposed to the usual staff makeup of several 'white guys' and maybe a girl or two. The Asian perspective is a new perspective for comedy and marketing to all demographics, guys. Before, the "Daily Raider" was just another comedy site like SomethingAwful or Maddox or James Lileks. Now it's something different, something unique. All it took was no more Doom, which, guys, I'm going to say was probably for the best. Come on. Did anyone really want to read an article by Nerdlinger?
We should just wait and see if our new Asian overlords are better than our previous American overlords. Then, seriously, we can make a judgment call over whether or not this was a good event of our lives. Come on, guys, let's be fair this time. Come on. Seriously. They rescued the site out of foreclosure and we need to respect that, seriously, especially if they offer us short shorts as compensation, which is what I suggested at the Q&A section of the press conference. Come on. Come on. Guys. Come on. Guys, come on, seriously, seriously, guys, come on, guys, guys, seriously, come on, seriously, guys, guys. The Asians haven't done anything to us in our history so I don't see why we shouldn't give them the benefit of the doubt.