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Andrew Breitbart: We Were Just Starting To Hate Ye
Tribute to a Troglodyte
Conservative activist or homeless man given a complimentary drink on his birthday? U DECIDE!
It is with great pain that I accept Andrew Breitbart's death. No, I didn't like him, nor do I care about the feelings of his dead eyed wife or his ugly, genetically deadender children. His "friends" were all partisan hack goblins that vomited out paragraphs of bile against Obama, women, gays, Hollywood, labor unions, anything not in line with their narrow definition of "American". The human race and the world is better off without his continued existence. When he is buried I'd buy a plane ticket, go to his funeral and take a big, steaming shit right on his open casket had I the financial resources to do so. However, before he speedballed his way down to Hell, I would've liked to beef with him, both to enhance my nonexistent reputation as an asshole leftist and to follow in the footsteps of my hero Mark Ames in vociferously destroying him. I got into a few squabbles with associates of Breitbart, like some PJTV hacks, Dana Loesch, some third rate Big writers. The closest I ever got to him was at a Teatard rally in Madison. I of course attended as a counter-protester, the counter-protest dwarfing the scattered hundreds of insulated Koch crony Walkerite shitheads from Waukesha County and beyond. The level of noise from us leftists ensured I could barely hear what Breitbart was saying during his time at the podium (my roommate at the time had an easier time parsing his still pretty much incoherent speech off a livestream). There was one thing I heard clearly, a memory I shall cherish until my body too gives up after too many years of excessive alcohol consumption: he told us counter-protesters to "go to Hell", which in his rather campy, Valley Girl lisp sounded like "GO TA HELL!". That's the true Andrew Breitbart: a fat little bully whose best retort to people trying to inform him he should shut the fuck up was "GO TA HELL!". Well, wouldn't you know it, he got there before us Wisconsin protesters.
There's so much to hate about this fucker it's hard to figure out where to start; he combines all the worst traits of Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly and the horde of petty, vindictive, soulless conservative bloggers that should've been exiled from the country after the 2008 election into one pudgy, repulsive once-a-man, now-a-shell. Breitbart exuded the kind of sleazy populist huckerism that returned to national consciousness when the Tea Party formed totally independently as a grassroots organization (not really) when it turned out the new president was going to not curb government spending (that's not the reason). Just like dolts such as Michelle Malkin became apparatchiks of the war apologists during Iraq, fucks such as Breitbart were elevated from yet another "ooga booga Obama scary" blogger to key players in the hilarious disintegration of the conservative movement in America. It was the first time since Clinton that conservatives could claim persecution and minority status without it being ridiculous fucking nonsense, so Breitbart seized on the opportunity to be as big a bitch as possible. In the weird, insular world of midcard conservatism, the more paranoid, the more outlandish, the better. So it comes as no surprise that Andrew Breitbart would succeed in the anti-Obama business.
Yes, Helter Skelter is back again. I wonder if he planned a Big Family spinoff site before his demise.
If you can connect everything to everything else, you'll do well. That's what Limbaugh understood, and it's what Glenn Beck and Andrew Breitbart did as well. If Bill Maher calls Sarah Palin a cunt, it means a Hollywood liberal called her a cunt, and since it's all connected, liberalism hates women who aren't liberals. Therefore, conservatives are the real feminists. Breitbart put a trashy gossip mag sheen on it, not unlike the Huffington Post that he co-founded in an ill-advised bid to...fuck it, the liquor probably let him down that time. Breity was also adept at deflecting everything, making himself appear as the opposite of what he was. He's a bully, so he becomes a victim of a "smear campaign" by some vague omnipresent cabal of elites, radicals, etc. Puts up an edited video accusing a Department of Agriculture and the NAACP of racism to counteract the fact that he's a racist. And so on. That sleight of hand explains how a drunken lunatic was able to get on TV without being documented by a crew at Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Ironically, Breitbart did manage to expose the inadequacies of "old media": they're too goddamn willing to cave into fucking idiots like him. That slow creep of creeps is what leads to shit like Dana Loesch on CNN, Pam Geller on television at all, the legitimization of fucking freakshow politics. My hope is with American Lahey at the big LC in the sky, the rise that brought up all marginal ships will dissipate. That'd be the only positive thing this fuck could ever contribute.
Like most conservative media personalities, Breitbart was a crass opportunist, not a true believer, or at least not someone well versed in policy. William F. Buckley and that pencil necked geek George Will were titans of intellectualism compared to the grubby, greasy Burger King bag collector that was Andrew Breitbart. If being a liberal in a sea of conservatives brought in the dough, he'd grow out his hair and pick up an acoustic guitar. But conservative as aggrieved minority was in again, so conservative this wannabe celebrity went. Oh yes, that status is important to Breitbart; he wanted to be in Hollywood, but when Hollywood rejected him for being a manic weirdo who rollerbladed, he developed a personal vendetta so encompassing it probably shrunk his big fat heart two or three sizes that day. Like, it takes a pathological disorder to maintain there's a more damaging blacklist of conservatives in Hollywood right now than McCarthyism in the 50s...while being married to Red Scare II victim Orson Bean's daughter. That's fucked up. You know what's even more fucked up? Orson Bean's daughter is married to a dead guy.
Andrew Breitbart is Howard Beale in that he's a delusional wacko that eventually dies.
So because a rich, privileged dipshit couldn't hack it in Hollywood, it must be that he's conservative as opposed to it coming down to him being Andrew Breitbart, a guy I wouldn't hire to watch the potted plant I hired to watch my kids. It's classic egomania: I don't suck, everything must be a conspiracy to keep me from achieving my dreams, no matter how unrealistic and implausible they are or if they violate physical law. Therefore, academia, Hollywood, Obama, they were all out to get a man whose paranoia was likely exacerbated by cocaine and alcohol abuse. I've done both multiple times, and that shit can send you to multitasking heights (coke especially) as well as increase the ego to see everything that isn't you as an obstacle. Some people can handle their shit, some can't; that's the nature of the game. The congealed lard once known as Andrew Breitbart couldn't. Like, I'm inebriated pretty often, but I'm not fucked up on something every time I go out in public. Every video I've seen of the guy indicates prior to the camera rolling or the video capture device starting, he's about four gin and tonics in or in the throes of the rush of the cocaine bump. It's fantastic the final video of him is an incoherent drunkard screaming, howling at protesters. It was a little Lahey show in all senses of the term.
"And stop growin' dope in Zuccotti Park, Ricky!"
When it comes down to it, the human trainwreck factor is what made Breitbart unique among his peers. Although Limbaugh's a pill popping sex tourist that weighs more than several Pacific islands, he has some deal with nefarious forces that keeps him alive. Glenn Beck's ridiculous, but it's within an understandable set of parameters. Blackboards, crying, pies, it's a formula. The fun of Breitbart was the possibility that anything could happen. Perhaps he'd give his speech at CPAC while carrying around a bunch of piss jugs. He could asphyxiate on his own vomit during his next appearance on Real Time. He was a rebel only in that he had no self-control whatsoever. Even Bill O'Reilly knows when to dial it back. During the Madison Tea Party Parade of Idiots, a thought stayed in the back of my head for quite a while. "Breitbart's probably gonna get fucking wasted at a neighborhood bar." The bar I knew, Genna's, would likely recognize him and/or think he was vagrant, so I tried to think of other bars around the square that Andy could shamble to without being attacked by a mob of union thugs. More than likely the dipshit had a private rickshaw that James O'Keefe pulled. Eventually, as the afternoon wore on and the weather got shittier, I said fuck it to the flight of fancy, assuring myself if I really wanted to I could get up early the next morning and check the bums that rest on the street benches. That didn't pan out (for some reason, I thought watching I Am Number Four was a better idea), but I do wonder what if. I could've made sure he died at age 42!
Oh well. It turned out that, true to what Julian told Lahey, the liquor works for both sides, and the liquor threw us leftists a bone by offing Chief Creep Andrew Breitbart. To recap his laundry list of misdeeds is pointless; his entire life is that. When the best thing one's done is died, that strongly implies the collective acts prior to that event weren't beneficial to anyone but, like, sadists. Unlike his acolytes, fanboys and liberal apologists (of which there are many - most major liberal sites pussed out, refraining from mocking the basketball eating walrus and deeming him a worthy adversary), I don't think he'll be remembered for long. In a few months, maybe a year, some fucking gasbag will attain Breitbart's unenviable position as "camera whore crazy person". A journeyman hack like Tucker Carlson could take his place, considering his Daily Caller is basically like the Breitbart network if nobody read it and it was staffed by Hungarian immigrants whose understanding of American politics consists of "America good, Obama bad, please money now". The sole joy of watching Breitbart exist is that he was a cartoon character that sometimes looked like a man, a Peanuts character who grew up to become a drunken, coke-addled, self-loathing basket case that takes out his neuroses on organizations that help poor people. Once you've seen the cartoon spontaneously combust, that's it, that's all that has to be done. It's like Amy Winehouse in a way. "Is she dead yet?" "No." "Is she dead yet?" "No." "Is she dead yet?" "Yes." "Oh, okay." Then shit moves on. "Stop Raping People!", even if produced by Skrillex, won't hold a candle to Back in Black, though.
You know who else Breitbart reminds me of? Joe McCarthy, and not because both of them blathered on about communist radicals infiltrating the government without crucial elements like "proof" or "evidence". Check out the similarities: they were both fucking ugly, they were both alcoholics, they both were likely closeted homosexuals, by the end no one took either seriously except a contingent of weirdoes like the John Birch Society and the waterboys at the Big sites, both took legitimate political movements (anticommunism and post-Bush conservatism) and turned them into garish, ghoulish freakshows. The main differences are that McCarthy unfortunately represented Wisconsin and didn't have the good sense to die in his 40s like Breitbart did. On the other hand, it proves McCarthy was less of a pussy than Breitbart; whereas investigation of armed forces members' allegiances brought Joe down once and for all, the other bitch seemed to die of overflowing bile from seeing a...counter-protest? Strenuous masturbation to photos of Anthony Weiner's, well, weiner? The two shared status as contemptible reptiles so fucking pathetic they get drunk via vodka tampons, but fifty years from now some shemale won't write a book defending Breitbart's disastrous campaign to hobble the Obama administration. That's a fucking guarantee.
If I didn't want to waste precious booze, I'd pour some shitty jug wine on the huge cemetery plot that will be filled by Breitbart's carcass. Instead I'll try to keep his dream alive by making fun of him as often as I can while it still remaining germane to the topic at hand. So I've come up with a new site term: Breitbart. It's a verb, meaning "to embarrass oneself totally and utterly that it is impossible to feel shame". For instance, I Breitbarted when I got so drunk I fell asleep in a bathroom, or Jon Gorski really Breitbarted with that bottle of Wild Turkey. It might not be what he wanted, but fuck him. He was an asshole who deserved to have his body thrown in a dumpster after his demise, for it to travel to the garbage dump to be picked apart by seagulls and rats for an undetermined amount of time. If there's justice, the last thing we'll hear about the fuckhead is that Brentwood named a bag of trash after him. Then a kid would set the bag on fire and throw it through his window.