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YouTube Fuckhead of the Week
by Doom, the Red Fox, Generalissimo Furioso, Black Goliath and Nerdlinger
Week 2: HEY CLARK, PART 2 OF 3
Part 2: The Man Behind Marriland (Non-Literally)
Last week I etched the profile of a sick degenerate named Marriland. A man whose autistic devotion to Pokémon neared our devotion to hating those who love Pokémon in terms of intensity. While brutal in its cutting down a probably retarded man, it focused on Marriland the online persona as opposed to Marriland the man. That's what this article is for. Though it won't really address YouTube primarily, YouTube Fuckhead of the Week Week 2 shall show you the "human" side of the fatass known as the most pathetic Pokémon freak I've ever had the bad fortune of coming across. Get ready to know more than you ever wanted to know about someone who willingly uses the handle "Marriland". It's probably better to vomit now and empty your stomach's contents before delving into the nitty gritty of this article.
During research gathering for last week, I did some digging and came across some background information on our good pal/fag Marriland. His real name is Devin Peltier-Robson (the '-' basically is the surname equivalent of throwing your hands up in the air and saying 'go ahead, mock me') and he hails from the shit town of Beloit, Wisconsin. Beloit, eh? Why, that's not far from where I live. Yes, an assassination without much fuss is conceivable. His parents run an Internet business called www.p-rposters.com, a site wheeling and dealing in the high stakes commercial property of...motivational posters. You remember those "Hang in there" ones with the cat on a ledge or some shit? Yeah, this family of Eichmanns is responsible for that type of shit. Adding hilarity to stunted mental growth, Devin did not go to what us normal people call 'public education'. Not even a white/private school. This bitch got homeschooled. Wow, so a socially awkward, reclusive freak of a man was homeschooled...WHAT A SHOCK.
But I should not fail to emphasize the sheer inanery inherent in his family's choice of business. To that end, I give you some of the motivational posters the motherfuckers sell.
So the best P-R Posters can do is a picture of a crazy Asian guy going crazy next to a quote from famed racist Henry Ford? What the fuck? Did the company start up during the late 1930s or something? Jesus Christ. I thought these things were meant to be motivational, not contingent on the furthering of tribalist thought. Well, I suppose if you get technical, motivating racists to continue their racism would indeed constitute motivating someone via a poster, so I suppose they did their job here. Still...
This one comes from none other than Marriland himself. To me, this shows the company's inherent idiocy. Why task your son, who's not even wise about life enough to fuck some gash, with coming up with shit to motivate people? He doesn't know shit, as shown by his being an obsessive player of videos primarily aimed at small children. His bullshit here doesn't make any sense at all, and comes at odds with my personal philosophy. Course, considering he's a goddamn Pokemon player, I doubt he knows what a philosophy is or what nihilism or determinism or anything means. And the picture is gay as well; I bet they either swiped it from something public domain or it comes from one of their family reunions. In the latter case, I can only assume they're a family of kid fuckers.
Besides the background befitting a cult kid, Marriland's interests skew into the usual nerd categories of games, anime, etc. So he loves games, watches shitty anime, and creams his pants when he gets a new electronic device. You don't have to be a apathetic, hateful website writer to guess that this guy is fat. Lo and fucking behold, he's fat. So fat, in fact, that he sees the need to have a diet, and post his results to people in an attempt to inspire people. I personally think that's fucking pathetic, not only because nine times out of ten fat people are destined to be fat, but because he's doing it in a way as to garner sympathy for his little mission. When you open up personal aspects of your life like this, you leave yourself vulnerable to people like us, people who pass the time by mocking fat losers like this one. Seriously, we as a site don't like fat people. We don't tolerate 'em, we don't respect 'em', we don't like 'em. We demean all those who eat cookie dough by the tube and then wash it down with lard. To find out this guy has weight issues is just like kicking a three year old with a pair of Doc Martens. Yeah, it's mean spirited, but he's fat. He deserves it.
Getting not fat is a very admirable quality in a person, yet in most cases it is fairly difficult to achieve as in most cases the obesity that occurs in most people is due to genetic conditions which are beyond the ability of the person to actually control. Marriland does not have any of these types of conditions affecting him, yet he is still so fat that he wishes beyond a shadow of a doubt to be at least one hundred pounds skinnier than he is now. Why, you may ask. It's because he just cannot stop eating. Most people can do this simple thing, by only eating foods that, you know, aren't Pop Tarts and Twinkies, or any combination of them. Sure, Pop Tart sandwiches are appealing to some of the more...robust people in this world (read: Generalissimo Furioso, Nerdlinger), but they aren't really great for losing all that weight. My advice would be an immediate and total cutback of all the sugar coated and chocolate food groups which, with a little, god forbid, exercise, will lead Marriland to become somewhat like us regulars. At least that way he won't shake the ground when he walks down the street. Yet apparently he's incapable of the simple task of not putting food in one's mouth and chewing and swallowing. What a retard.
I don't think that anybody on the entire site would be able to relate to Marriland with the whole "trying to lose weight" thing, as most of us here at the Daily Raider are incredibly thin without any sort of need for a diet in our lives whatsoever. Don't you think it would just be perfect if the rest of the world was that way, since there is an incredible need for the majority of the populace to be attractive by being skinny, this going for both males and females in the population. According to this it can easily be seen that the fat ones among us are trying to format to that sort of idea of perfection, or at least go away from the fat form which is so endemic, so that means the idea of being skinny being better is correct. So, why not make it simpler for the world to be a more fat free place, by simply eliminating all of the unwanted people from the place to make sure that there are a pure majority of skinny people. I think that even Marriland would agree with this, as he is getting skinnier. However, we do have to make the cutoff somewhere... I think Marriland more than qualifies for the subset that requires culling. Yeah, I said it. Fat people ought to die. What're you gonna do about it, fat readers? Eat? So shut up!
Atop of all these things that make Marriland a social recluse, there's also one more fact that just adds on to the "Reasons Why We Hate Marriland" list. Marriland is in the possession of a DeviantArt account, trying to give off the air that he somehow has an artistic soul. However, as anyone with some intelligence about Internet communities would know, DeviantArt is really just a place where 13 year old fangirls post their renditions of Mary Sue characters for their latest Sonic fanfic. So what does Marriland even have a DeviantArt account for then? (Or had, I should say, since it hasn't been updated for nearly a year or more. He's probably too busy eating Fig Newtons.). Apparently, it is so he can post shitty fanart of various Pokémon and some fanfic which I can only assume uses every cliché in the book with him as the starring character. Though that's not the worst part of his account. No, that title belongs to a special photo of him dressed up for some anime convention in 2006, as a Moogle from the Final Fantasy series. This fact alone means his inevitable death will be a godsend to save face for the mediocre state of Wisconsin.
To quote Hank Hill: "BUAHHHHHHH!"
Although it's never stated, you can safely assume this guy has never, NEVER, been around anyone of the opposite sex. Ever. If you're a woman, take one look at this guy. I'm pretty sure the first thought in your mind is not "I would totally do him." but instead "Don't let that freak around my baby sister.". Any friends of Devin (hahahaha, like they even EXIST) would probably accuse us of being the same as this guy. We hate him because we are also fat, dateless losers who play Pokémon to the wee hours of the mourning. You'd be wrong. Even the most pathetic of our lot (Nerdlinger) can handle ourselves around women, have aspirations in life, and leave the house on a regular basis. This guy hasn't done so, or else he would realize that bitching about stat points would not get him laid, or second base, or even a courtesy hug. I'm pretty sure that in times of physical stress and lust, he finds his secret pics of Tifa Lockhart giving May, Misty, and Dawn multiple orgasms with a Sudowoodo shaped dildo. It's kinda funny. When we saw his videos for the first time, we assumed that he was gay due to his high voice. I changed my mind once I realized that if he WAS gay, he would've already gotten laid by now. Once you realize that he has no chance of companionship with anyone, man or woman, it becomes kinda sad. He's like David Banner on the old Hulk series walking away on the side of the road, alone, in perpetuity. Then you see his art (or his videos), and all of that sympathy turns into disgust, as it should be. Good thing he's not gay or else we'd have to deal with all that hate crime shit when we kill him (not if, when).
I for one wonder how the fuck Marriland was able to survive as long as he has in this world. For one, he's homeschooled and therefore incapable of interacting with the standard public-schooled person without the use of a cattle prod and leather mask. Secondly, his tastes border on the extremely childish, seeing as how he makes strategy guides for Pokémon games on YouTube. By all accounts, Marriland should be a fucking serial killer wreaking a bloody scourge on Beloit; but no, he's showing all the people on YouTube how much he hates how that one trainer in the game who uses nothing but Magikarp. Gee Marriland, why can't everyone have a level 100 Palkia and Dialga on their team like you do? He criticizes video game AI and yet they probably get more pink than he does, which is very odd considering I don't think computers can get pussy. That just shows Marriland is an incredible loser of immense proportions. Get it, cause he's FAT!
So ends the second part of our look at Marriland. Tune in/read in next week, where we go over our plan of how to best murder him. Not a trick! Not a dream! Not an imaginary story!
View previous YouTube Fuckheads of the Week: