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YouTube Fuckhead of the Week
by Doom
Week 20: AspieGirl
In case this site has not made you aware, I'm not much of a fan of the people with the autistic disease, functioning or no. They're the entire reason nerds exist: autistics focus on one topic and make it the centrality of their life. And it's not even something vaguely acceptable like sex or substance abuse, it's stupid bullshit like this week's Fuckhead enjoys. In this case it's Nicolas Cage. And not Nicolas Cage in the way we at the Raider love Nicolas Cage. She legitimately thinks he's a great actor and worthy of applause as opposed to drunken laughter. Yes, the same man who starred in The Wicker Man is apparently an auteur. This alone would be risible enough for an article, but it's the fact that she considers Vampire's Kiss the best of his films which makes it something special and worthy of special consideration by the Predator drone strike of the Internet that is the Daily Raider.
Let me begin with some context: Vampire's Kiss is the shitty Cage movie to end all shitty Cage movies insofar as it has Cage as an insane man who thinks he's a vampire, he has an accent of no discernable origin and a best of video on YouTube summarizes the entire plot. This is not that video, as it is attempting to affirm the film, not mock or denounce it. The result is a hilarious, though not intentionally (much in the same way as Vampire's Kiss!), video replete with bad 80s music and ridiculous scenes robbed of dialogue, minimum context or throughline. So it's an assemblage of scenes with--oh wait! About halfway through the soundtrack adopts a more hip hop flavor and record scratches enter the mix. As if it couldn't get any worse! This fact means images repeat themselves as the soundtrack is manipulated by an unseen DJ. I can't recall the artist so who knows if the bad DJ bullshit was embedded in the track or AspieGirl added it herself. I lean towards the former but I also don't give a fuck. Overall, the video is a sad form of hilarious, which might almost incur sympathy or empathy if you're a sucker with 'emotions' and shit. I'm not.
Since one cannot write an article of two paragraphs and expect the editor to publish it, I better find some more material to skewer. To her userpage!
http://www.youtube.com/user/Aspiegirl
Yeah, a 44 year old women creates these videos. Yet not a lot differentiates her from any other 44 year old woman who posts on the Internet when you really think about it. For instance, her Myspace handle alludes to her love of Clay Aiken. Who loves Clay Aiken more than Clay Aiken loves cock? Bored housewives and single women whose best friends are cats. That's his entire fanbase, and nothing will stop its growth as more grow old and pathetic to take the fallen sisters' place. And Sims 3 - again, what computer addict woman, if she plays video games at all, doesn't play a Sims game. That's the only one their female minds can comprehend; everything else is too violent or nerdy or morally objectionable. The only telltale sign of autism other than her admitting it is that she states her interest singular is and then she lists two things. Only autistics confuse singulars and plurals. (One exception: black people, but that's because grammar is not taught on the STREET.) Then it all falls into place. She's an autie! She's an autie she's an autie she's an autie!
Unlike Doom I do not inherently hate them's people different; however, I do hate people who are stupid and despite her high-functioning brain, AspieGirl is apparently really stupid, since she likes Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken is the type of guy that only American Idol could have made famous because he's not very talented and his sole talent is being able to parrot songs that he didn't write to older women who find his innocent school-boyish/jailbait for pedophiles demeanor attractive. You'd think that with all of her claims of being able to see the world in a different way than us Regulars she wouldn't fall for the same garbage that Regulars do, but apparently that's not how Assburger's works. Assburger's apparently makes you think that putting still images of a untalented little shit set to one of the most irritating songs of all time (Creed!) is a good idea; and people wonder why I subscribe to Doom's newsletters.
One of things I always hated about people with mental handicaps is the fact that they get upset when people bring up the fact that their brains don't work like normal people's brains. I get it, you don't want people to talk down to you, SO HOW ABOUT YOU STOP BEING SO FUCKING ANAL when it comes to how people treat you. Most people don't bother learning about Assburger's because they don't have to deal with it in their day to day lives. MAINLY BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE WITH ASSBURGER'S DON'T GO OUTSIDE AND TALK WITH REGULARS. You'd think that would be a key point in this discussion, but nope, AspieGirl decides that it's because mental health institutions are trying to control her and other Assburger's patients, as if people want to actually deal with Assburger's sufferers (beyond "sir, you're making a scene, we do not yet have the new Ratchet & Clank"). Your mind doesn't work like my brain because something is wrong with it, deal with it, I'm a fat, angry Puerto Rican with nothing to lose and everything to gain who's friends with a guy who constantly insults him and tries to actively sabotage people's lives and I deal with it just fine.
Abuse is a tricky subject; after all, can you really call it abuse if you don't know what you're doing is actually abusive? I mean, I work with kids and half of the time they're screaming or running around for no good reason and I don't know if they have any mental problems because (let's be honest here) every kid acts like they have autism at times. Then again, it's not like I haven't been traumatized by people who are supposed to know better, I think most childhoods have some sort of trauma built into them, because it's the world's way of trying to shatter that brief period of innocence that's called childhood. I wonder if AspieGirl knows if children across the world are being forced into combat or being sold into sex slavery. Of course, I'm quite sure she's too busy being scared by the prospect that that there are people outside her house (BUMMER, MANNNN) to even put thought into the subject.
Ultimately, AspieGirl is what she is: an old lady with a brain disorder which makes her stupid, eccentric and uninteresting. The disorder itself doesn't make her interesting either as so many middle aged people possess the same characteristics as her, though they funnel it into more culturally acceptable avenues. Like football and meaningless sex and collecting bribes. The upside is that auties like AspieGirl are harmless. They don't impact society besides draining some money from the public coffers and continuing the existence of famous gay Clay Aiken. They won't breed, no one will miss them, few pieces of evidence confirming their existence will last for more than a decade. Their gradual fate proves much easier than wiping them out systematically in a mental health-related culling. Hitler managed to make headway, but come on, he's Hitler. We can't match Hitler, much less surpass him. Better to leave them to their own devices. Eventually they'll panic attack into six feet under.