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YouTube Fuckhead of the Week
by Doom
Week 26: Disappointing faux lesbianism
YouTube articles aren't especially fun to write because I never want to really take the time to find a risible enough video. Inevitably they're the last component to an update, and I usually cannot convince some fucking underling to do the job for me. Well, I needed a concept and after rattling ideas in my head for a few days, I hit on this: faux lesbianism. Lesbianism is a wonderful thing only for the titillation of males. Otherwise they're usually ugly, and therefore useless. Fake lesbians do what and who they do for attention from males because they know two women is more appealing a prospect than one woman. In our media saturated world, this has bled into pop culture. No longer do you have to go to a bar and get chicks drunk for kissing and fondling to occur. You can see it on the TV, in the cinema, even in comic books if you're a sicko who likes jerking off to cartoon people. Hell, Olivia Wilde's made a career of it. The latest to exploit the male need for voyeuristic sexual satisfaction in the age of bland feminism and boring culture is Katy Perry. I didn't know about her beforehand and I didn't know if I was supposed to know her beforehand.
If the video doesn't play, click on it. Fucking EMI, man...
I will state one thing up front definitively: Katy Perry has large boobs. That's something you can't get around. Your perception of existence may vary; you might think, hey, man, quantum mechanics, we're all the same, man, or you might think Obama's a Nazi and libertarianism is awesome. But there's one hard fact in this universe at least: her boobs are large. They are large and, should there ever arise a situation in which our world can only be defended by a corps of breasts, Katy Perry's will at least reach the position of corporal. That said, her rack is the only positive one can accrue from the video if one were to put together a list of positives and negatives. The negatives? Everything else. For one thing, the song is atrocious (the opening bit sounds like it's from a Gary Glitter track, for fuck's sake), yet another example of mindless pop relying on hooks, overproduction and style over substance. Pop doesn't have to meaning anything, but it helps. It also helps that pop doesn't sound terrible. I figure no one reading the Daily Raider would dispute "I Kissed A Girl" is trash, so going more in depth is fucking pointless. Plus, this is YouTube Fuckhead. We're here to talk video.
What do you expect when the title "I Kissed A Girl" comes up? You expect to see Katy Perry kissing girls. Well, here's a shocker: she doesn't lock lips with anyone in this fucking video. It's a total fucking tease of a total fucking tease. What in the fuck, man? Why would you do "I Kissed A Girl" without showing any goddamn kissing? It's not for fear of censorship considering FOX airs live murders every Thursday night and ABC Family is actually a pornography channel now, so I can only assume Katy Perry didn't want to do any of that icky homo stuff and instead opted for something you'd see in network television's version of softcore porn circa 1993. Even David Duchovny couldn't get it up to this shit. I mean, sure, she does sing about kissing a girl, but further press inquiries confirmed she never did actually kiss a girl, so the song is a total fantasy concocted by some male songwriter who's probably, ironically, a gay. It's a fake song by a fake musiciain about a fake experience and Americans have expressed fake outrage on both sides (conservatives: FAGGOTS DESTROY AMERICA; GLAAD: this trivializes...well, we have to get in the news).
The direction isn't any good, with there being tons of swooping shots of various parts of Perry's body but no effort to make any of it sexy. The singer herself isn't good at it either. Playing with one of those fucking fans isn't particularly sultry, it mostly means you're trying desperately to appeal to the Neogeisha crowd. Won't work. They're too busy with their dicks inside William Gibson books. Speaking of which, the wardrobe for her seems to be based on the challenge "see how many fetishes we can try to exploit within 3 minutes". Fingerless gloves, lace, stockings, fishnets, eating cherrys, extreme closeups of body parts that because of YouTube no one will know what the fuck they are, a setting that looks like something Bjork did 10 years ago, finger in the mouth, pillowfight agh CHRIST I'M GETTING A FUCKING NOSEBLOOD TRYING TO KEEP UP AAAAAAAAAGH. The video ends with her waking up in bed next to, I don't fucking know, an Asian shemale or something. The sexuality of the vid is pathetic, relying on clichés and overloading the mind with images. There's also a lot of lazy visual metaphors, like it opening on her stroking a cat. Hahaha, pussy is a term used to refer to a cat and a vagina! Christ, Lords of Acid songs are more subtle and they actively try not to be subtle.
Katy Perry's bullshit is a prime example of why the 90s had music video directors like David Fincher graduate to real direction, while now they're lucky to direct some horror movie starring the "stars" of the CW. The fucking Polish guy who did this knows nothing beyond being invaded by the Russians and ripping off Moulin Rouge instead of thinking of another setting. Fuck you, Poland, fuck you Catholic sons of bitches helping to bring down the Soviet Union. "I Kissed A Girl" is too scattered, manufactured and false to be sexy and thus will be a disappointment to any insomniac who flips to MTV2 at 3:00 AM, hoping to find something, anything, to rouse them out of a mild hangover and sexual malaise.
Now, there's a way to do it right, despite the dispiriting example of Katy Perry. As someone with limited pornographic materials in my adolescence, I had to get by on what I could. That meant material that wasn't pornographic but nonetheless prurient, like photos of sexy dames, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Amy Jo Johnson, the movie The Craft, and the music videos of t.A.T.u. For those unaware of Russia's third greatest export, the first being vodka and the second being Edward Limonov, here's a quick summary: two Russian girls formed a pop group (well, a shady businessman did it for them, and in Russia shady means fuckin' Kingpin level shady) with a central premise: they were doing it. At first the marketing presented that as genuine, though eventually once the businessman was out of the picture they dropped the pretense that behind closed doors (or opened doors, who the fuck knows in the collapsing Eastern European world) they were scissoring. Now that's how you build a pop group that appeals to the sofa masturbators. Fuck that "I'm a virgin" Britney Spears bullshit. Two girls fucking is a much better image to portray to the media. Also, that it was so transparently false shows why Russia > America. It's not art, it's catchy pop designed to create sexual satisfaction!
Click on it...FUCKING VEVO CUNTS
As you can no doubt see, "All The Things She Said" succeeds by actually having girls kiss. That's the entire fucking point of faux lesbianism: you get to see two straight girls engage in lesbian action, thereby making it hotter considering most lesbian girls are fucking Lilith Fair going jackbooted thugs. Environmental elements like rain help as well to sell the sex, because rain makes everything better, from David Fincher movies to girls' white clothing. And it ain't just white clothing. School uniforms, even! I have no idea what the "story" is, but that there is a story, an attempt at a narrative, that already puts its artistry above "I Kissed A Girl". I figure they got sent to imprison for being lesbian, which is cool. I mean, those Syrian prisons must be pretty hot, right? All those totalitarian states that criminalize homosexuality are hiding porno happening all the time underneath the veil. The girls are hotter than Perry too. Wait, wait, let me state my case: two girls > one girl and these chicks are obviously two fine pieces of Slavic ass. As the prophet Mark Ames wrote in The eXile: "A Russian woman is at the peak of her power from about age 13 until 20." In 2008 these girls are in their 20s, but at the time of this vid, they were, like, 15-16, right in the middle of St. Ames' designation. It's almost pathetic how much better "All The Things She Said" (especially once you hear the Russian version; girls screaming in Russian is tits) is compared to Katy Perry. In Russia, Katy Perry'd be an also-ran to the 16 year old dyevs in abundance in Moscow, a shipful from the provinces added to gen pop every weekend. I see this and it makes me wonder who really won the Cold War.
There you have it once more: a bullshit article I mostly wrote at 5 AM after having finished everything else for this update. I have nothing else to say about it other than it exists and I find it acceptable enough for you fucks to waste your lives reading it. Check out next week's YouTube wherein I'll explain why Flavor Flav retroactively justifies the Middle Passage. Or maybe I won't. That fucking got your attention, didn't it, though?