IGN is successful; we are obscure, so obviously we need to rip them off more
to be successful. And in tribute to their top ten countdown articles that
often precede shitty games, I figured I would rattle off 10 ways our site
can best mimic IGN, to become more popular.
10. More girls randomly placed. Ever since Gamespy made Girlspy and IGN made
the Babes section, their respective ratings have like, quadrupled, morals have
halved, and horny teens have been squared. Obviously, if we are to compete
with such high brow sites, we must interview B-string models and some how tie
them to video games. Granted, they have never touched a controller in their
life, but hey, you can still have them mention their love for great games like
Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness. (Side note: that really happened at Gphoria
last year, dead give away to a fake, no one likes that game, not even the developers.)
9. The great writing staff. I mean, they can crank out quality reviews everyday
for every platform, while we can barely slap a review together a week.
Plus, look at all the diverse personalities. There's the guy who likes
video games, and the other guy who likes video games, and the guy paid to
games. Oh, and the one guy who likes cars and gets kept in a corner. Let
us never forget him.
8. The creative article prompts. Well, they have reviews...and previews...and...interviews.
They got a lot of views, let's face it. And to be fair while they only
are a gaming review site (oh, and that other TV and Movie stuff tagged on)
they really explore many different forms of the unimaginably bland. It's
like a buffet of bland, a cornucopia of the same old shit. Have they even
written a review as anyone besides themselves?
7. An excellent scoring system. Out of 10, but really out of 100 with the
decimal point, IGN is the peak of a bloated scoring system that has enough
point values to be impossible to understand. How much of a difference between
an 8.9 and a 9.0? Hell if I know, but fanboys sure to get pissed when its 8.9
instead of a 9.0.
6. Tactically placed ads. I mean, it's very tasteful where they put
them. You know, site loading, section loading, side bars, top bar, bottom
bar, left bar, entire background, entire foreground, tattooed on their bodies.
shear genius of it all. I mean, considering how many people click on them,
they probably make about 4 bucks a day for it all. Clearly, its worth it,
and clearly, we need the 4 bucks.
5. Mind-boggling bad site organization. I mean, the site has thousands of
tiny links littering its main page, a side bar with around 50 sections, and
those subsections also filled with a massive amount of scattered links. Clearly,
not only do we need more content, we need a worse way to view it. Fuck organization!
4. Large cash bribes and blowjobs. Clearly, as seen from our Halo 2 review,
we don't get nearly enough bribes and blowjobs to rate games "properly".
IGN on the other hand has perfected the art of taking anything and everything
as credit to rate a game higher. I mean, whenever the review sounds remotely
negative, but the score really isn't, you know someone's blowing
the editors balls. (Side note: His balls are in a perpetual state of "blowage".)
3. Merging with other quality sites. Sadly, the Daily Raider hasn't
absorbed another site of our caliber, while IGN has had the pleasure of,
and clearly benefited from it. I mean, now we have two major gaming sites
near the same content! Excellent! Clearly, we need to double our size to
halve our quality.
2. Pointless dead sections. Okay, we have this, true, but not on the grand
scale of IGN. I mean, here's a site solely for gaming and yet, Movie,
Tv, and even, yes CAR sections! We aren't defined enough to begin contradicting
our own definitions. But we can all hope, pray, and work on it. Daily Raider
dating advice section coming in 2007.
1. Copy the great forum community. Nothing, nothing, NOTHING could improve
the Daily Raider better than getting a forum community like IGN. I mean,
who doesn't love a bloated Off-topic section filled with semi-porn
picture swap topics and categories to old games that have zealous fan bases.
is the huge amount of people that make the community nearly totally informal,
and the easy to dodge laws of the community that allow the same jerks to
keep coming back? Clearly, we need to let everything go, and have it be one
(oddly not swearing) fuck-fest.